thehefner

I've known about it for months, and yet it's only now sinking in: I'm moving. I'm actually leaving the DC area.

Maybe it's because I only started telling people about it a few days ago. It was the same when Henchgirl got pregnant. It was one thing to know about it, to be aware, to plan for the future. It was something else entirely to tell others, to deal with their reactions, to hear their questions and often fumble with your response, whereupon you truly realize just how much you don't actually KNOW.

So yeah, we're moving. Me, Henchgirl, baby, Mom, the Captain (who will be down here at SOME point, dang it), all going off to live around Rehoboth Beach, DE.

Mom's already bought a new house, in addition to the beach house which we have for renting out. She'll be selling our current house soon, and I imagine we should fetch a decent price for it, even in this economy. For a myriad of reasons (many of which are beyond my understanding), this HAS to happen, and it HAS to happen now. I understand that. Fact is, when Mom had the house built--her dream house, which she has planned and designed for many, many years before it became a reality--we knew we'd have to sell it. It was simply too costly to maintain. We were damn lucky to get eight years there. Damn lucky.

To quote box_in_the_box: "And yet... and yet..."

More and more, I realize that I don't want it to happen at all. It's probably just fear of change. Of the few friends I actually have in the area, I barely see anymore. Most others have scattered to the winds, gotten their own lives, or are internet/Fringe friends who already live far away. What will I miss about the DC area? Not much. Mainly regular visits to California Tortilla and Big Planet Comics. Clearly, I don't exactly embrace all that the DC area has to offer.

But I've lived here all my life. No matter how much I've traveled, no matter how much I've preferred hiding away at the Rehoboth Beach house, I've always called the nebulous area of Bethesda/Potomac/Cabin John my home. But there's no good reason for me to stay. Another reason to leave would be to fully separate myself from the ghosts of my past, mainly concerning Dad.

But when I think about the fact that I won't be driving past Glen Echo Park on a daily basis anymore, somehow that doesn't seem like comfort enough.

It has to happen. I am an impoverished actor with a child on the way, going where the whole boarding house family unit must go. Rehoboth Beach is a good area, with pretty much everything we need in the area. Everything except a comic shop. Hopefully that's not a bad omen or anything.

In the meantime, what can I do? Start selling stuff on eBay, clean and pack stuff, and most of all, prepare for the baby. Oh, and three more Fringe festivals (Orlando, DC, and Indy). A lot of changes are coming my way, all at the same time. Sometimes, I think it's the frivolous fan stuff I do at about_faces which keeps me healthy, and gives me mental breathers between thinking about the big stuff.

If I sound morose, it's only because I'm exhausted from having spent the day doing Two-Face posts and editing pages on ComicVine.com, trying to establish cred as a geek authority there. I promise, I'm actually in way better spirits than this! I just needed to let that all out a bit. Carry on, we now resume your regularly scheduled geekery, already in progress. :)

We are now taking summer reservations for the house at Rehoboth Beach! HUZZAH! *throws confetti* It's not only makes for a great, private little getaway near the beach, but know that all proceeds will be going directly to the Help Pay For Hefner And Henchgirl's Baby Because Holy Crap Babies Are Expensive Fund.

WHERE IS IT EXACTLY? The house backs onto Cape Henlopen State Park and is on a dead end road away from the crowds. But it is just down the street from the outlets on Rt. 1 and minutes from the beaches.

WHAT'S THE HOUSE LIKE ITSELF? It has 3 bedrooms, a king bed in the master, a full bed in the second bedroom and a queen bed in the freestanding romantic cottage by the tidal creek, behind the house. There is also a love seat in the living room, which folds out to make a twin bed, and an ottoman which makes into another twin bed. There are 3 bathrooms. There are 2 full baths in the main house. The cottage has a sink and toilet off the bedroom and an outdoor shower adjacent to the bathroom door. There is a large screened porch in the back of the house overlooking the tidal Munchy Branch Creek.

HOW WELL-STOCKED IS IT? The kitchen is fully stocked with the usual pots and pans, dishes, utensils and appliances. There is a dining table and chairs along with lounger chairs on the porch. There is also a picnic table and a gas grill outside. There are unbrellas, chairs, coolers, etc in the shed for use by the renters. There are 2 basic adult bicycles in the shed.

AWESOME! IS THERE ANYTHING THAT I HAVE TO PROVIDE MYSELF? Yes. Renters provide their own bed linens and towels.

WHAT IS THERE TO DO IN THE AREA? Aside from tax-free shopping and beach fun, there in an awesome hiking /biking trail on the old railway line from Lewis to Rehoboth. The trail is very close to the house. I keep maps and brochures of things to do in the area at the house. This is a wonderfully diverse area with great things to do for all ages.

I STILL HAVE QUESTIONS AND/OR I AM READY TO SIGN ON TO THIS AMAZING DEAL. WHOM DO I CONTACT? Either me, or my mother, Roberta Hagen, at RHagen6902 at aol dot com, or by phone at 301-312-7247.

Happy birthday, Will. Didn't realize you were a fellow Pisces.

Henchgirl is currently composing a post detailing every step of the fiasco that is our current road trip. It's going to be epic. It'll take you an hour or so to read, but trust me, it'll be worth it.

I never mentioned that we got a Winnebago, a Minnie Winnie to be exact. Before we left DC for Fresno two weeks ago, I'd planned to give the RV a grand introduction right here on LJ, along with a full description of how she's the ideal long-term investment for traveling performers like us. Just think of all the money we'd save on motels and restaurants, and what a perfect way to transport a child and someone else to help with baby and/or show needs! The RV was Mom's idea, as she wants to use it as well, but Henchgirl and I were both totally behind this investment. Everything about it seemed perfect.

Do I really need to cue the maniacal laughter at this point? Insane, desperate cackling was implied by that lead-in, right? Either way, just wait until she's finished the post. We might actually have a new show in the works from this trip alone, but so far, it's not so much a story as much as a series of unfortunate events... and punishing windstorms... and sideways snowstorms... and wanton property damage... and carbon monoxide. Yes, that too. And we're not even halfway through this trip.

To think, I've almost forgotten that my first performance of The Road to Nowhere is tonight! Be sure to check out www.johnhefner.com for local CBS news coverage of the festival, featuring a special cameo appearance of my blue bowler derby. Also, Henchgirl's posted screenshots of my latest interview with Chuck Leonard. I love how she's totally on top of things even now.

I should be rehearsing. Instead, I'm just going to focus on breathing. I never knew that could be a luxury until this trip.

YAY ADVENTURRRRRRRE.

This concerns all you DC/MD/VA/otherwise-local-ish friends who have any interest in seeing me perform.

SO... I've been accepted into the Capital Fringe Festival. Hooray! Except... ticket prices are now $17.00. I've never seen a festival charge that much. $17.00 per ticket? For a Fringe show? And yet, bear in mind, this would be my only chance to perform here, short of finding another space to rent out, or trying to get a professional theatre to take on my show.

So what do you guys think? Would you be willing to pay $17.00 for a ticket? Because frankly, I wouldn't, and neither would Henchgirl.

Considering the costs of performing ($575 venue fee, plus $200 insurance fee!), I don't know if I'd even make that back, depending on where they'd stick me. First year, I made a great profit, followed by barely breaking even the next year, and it all had to do with location. And with a baby on the way right before the festival--or possibly during, as I understand that first kids are notoriously late--that's time and money which might be better spent.

Really, what are the benefits of performing The Road to Nowhere at CapFringe? There are three, from where I sit:


1.) The possibility that maybe someone from, say, Woolly Mammoth Theatre Company will see the show and want give us a few performances, something I'm not sure will happen since my show is more geeky and romantic rather than political and social and thus not of interest to DC audiences

2.) Performing for friends, especially those who haven't yet seen me perform. You guys comprised about 80% of my audiences for How Hefnerian, after all.

3.) Getting more reviews.


Writing this all out, it kinda feels like I've already made my decision. But I want to know what you guys think. Neither Henchgirl nor I can objectively consider this now, as we're both CRAZY STRESSED over our impending trip to Fresno, among several other HUGE factors in our lives. I think I have a couple more days to accept or decline CapFringe, so let me know.

Alternate possibility: host a performance of the show (at my house or someone else's) and take donations? If I'm just doing it for friends, perhaps that'd be the better way all around.

I woke up much earlier than usual. Which isn't saying much, considering that our sleep schedules are so screwy these days that we often miss daylight entirely. And yet, I still hadn't expected waking up at around 8am, like normal people do. More than that, I hadn't expected to wake up alone.

Clearly, something was afoot. And that something... was pie.





She woke up at 5am, went to the store, and proceeded to spend five hours making an apple pie from scratch. And she'd never made apple pie before. The bar she was shooting for was sizzling orgasm pie like the kind found at this one particular diner in Claremore, OK, and I dare say she made it.

It helps that she literally used a pound of butter. A pound. Of butter. In PIE. And it was AMAZING.

I don't care if I have a coronary before my kid turns two, BEST HENCHGIRL EVER.

I decided to return the favor by making Thai green curry chicken for dinner. But the less said about that, the better.

Henchgirl and I are working on a side project involving Kyle Rayner, which will result in that character's equivalent of the Hal Jordan head injury project. Unfortunately, this means tracking down as many Kyle issues of Green Lantern we can find. Every dollar I spend makes fifteen-year-old John Hefner scream in agony.

I honestly keep trying to actually read these issues, but I can't get three pages into any story without wanting to find some way to graft a throat onto the comics so that I may strangle them. Yeah, that was awkwardly phrased, but Kyle GL comics from this era infuriate me beyond all sense of actual wit. Even when good stuff actually happens, I'm too blinded by my deep-seated nostalgic rage. Can one have nostalgic rage? Because I think that's what this is.

In other cosmic comic news, I finally read The Life and Death of Captain Marvel, which felt like the equivalent of suffering through three seasons of an incredibly tedious show, only to find that the series finale is one of the greatest things you've ever seen on TV.

I love Starlin's later work with Thanos, but good lord was I ever bored by the original Thanos storyline. Maybe that just served to make the already-great Death of Captain Marvel all the more powerful. I was doing that thing where you make little "oh" sounds out loud every few pages, which got rather embarrassing with Henchgirl in the room.

Amazing to think that this kind of story is still incredibly rare in comics today. Actually, do we ever see superheroes dying slow deaths, deteriorating and coming to terms with their mortality while they make peace with those around them? The only other instance I can recall is Silver Surfer: Requiem, and say what you want about JMS, but that story was stunningly moving for much the same reasons.

I'm tempted to say that The Death of Captain Marvel might well be the greatest treatment of death in all of superhero comics. Any disagreements on this count, f-list?

Did I mention we went to Disney World? Because we totally went to Disney World. Also Epcot, which I'm still amazed to discover that I loved. If I ever get a few hundred bucks to blow, I'm going to eat from every single country, get blitzed out of my brain, and buy tea from all around the world. I bet I can do it while still being less obnoxious than most of the Americans who go there. God, I can only imagine the stories Epcot workers must have about dealing with idiotic Americans.

Disney World was wonderful too, especially Mickey's PhilharMagic (a model for what all 3D cinema should be, which also singlehandedly reminded me why I love Donald Duck) and the Haunted Mansion. Dear god, did I love the Haunted Mansion. It was like an EC Comic brought to life. We were seated in such a way that the cheap BOO! scares came too early to affect us, so we were just taking in the glorious creepiness of it all.

Henchgirl demanded that we ride It's a Small World. Twice. In all honestly, the second time was much better, partially because we were virtually alone that time (the line was SO HUGE before. Is the ride still that popular, or is it riding on pure infamy at this point?), and Henchgirl converted me to appreciation of the sheer technical expertise of the ride. View it as a technical marvel and a living storybook from the 50's, and--dare I say it--It's a Small World is rather cool.




"Always agree."


Really, the Disney experience was only marred by a thunderstorm and... and whatever the hell it was they did to the Tiki Room. Dear god, what the hell did they do to the Tiki Room? I may never be able to love Gilbert Gottfried again. Ever. Do you know how much that tears me up inside?

The only thing I enjoyed about the updated Tiki Room was the introduction by two parrots voiced by Don Rickles and Phil Hartman, whom I seriously thought was Billy West doing his Zap Brannigan voice until I looked it up on Wikipedia. Here I thought West's voice was just a pale imitation of Hartman's. That's awesome, even it's a sad reminder of Hartman.



~~~~HEY, COMPLETELY RANDOM TANGENT TIME BECAUSE I HAVE COFFEE IN ME WHEEEEEEE~~~

Best interview I've read recently: the AV Club feature where Jon Lovitz discusses random roles he's played over the years. That might not sound like the most interesting thing in the world, but it was surprisingly entertaining, revealing, and thoughtful. I've always loved Lovitz as a performer, but now I think I love him as a person.

Highlights include revelations that The Critic was inexplicably canceled at the height of its popularity, the fact that Dan Aykroyd is basically the nicest guy ever, the main creative reason why SNL was sucked for the past fifteen-plus years (story structure? What the hell's that?), and--most poignantly--what he has to say about filling in Hartman's shoes in Newsradio. I've never read any other interview where the interviewee said more by saying so little.

Still, I'm sad that we couldn't hear his first-hand recounting of the time he beat the shit out of Andy Dick. He's the better man for not talking about it, but let's face it, that's a story worth hearing.



Oh, and while I posted this to about_faces, I figured there were several folks here who might appreciate this:





This is definitely one of those jokes for a select audience. Personally, as a Mac owner and a Two-Face obsessive, I'm very disappointed in myself that I hadn't thought of that sooner every time I looked down at the dock. Maybe that's just an encouraging indication that I'm not as much of a dork as I feared. Yeah, let's go with that.

The Coen Brothers' True Grit adaptation was a fine film, but I don't see what was so different from the original John Wayne film that justified the remake.

I suppose the best reason is that the new actress is superior (and the appropriate age for the character), but honestly, the original actress stopped being terrible once she started interacting with John Wayne. He's a character and actor who are both so great dynamic that he/they immediately force the other actors to step up their game. That said, I'm also torn between which Rooster Cogburn I preferred. Bridges is brilliant, but Wayne's was--Henchgirl and I decided--rather more cuddly in his gruff badassedness, which worked for the character.

Throughout the film, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was watching a rerun. It doesn't help that I'd seen the original recently, but that also made me more acutely aware of how similar--and thus, unnecessary--this celebrated remake seemed. But that's hardly a criticism that'll apply to everyone. Many (most?) people haven't seen the original, a possibility which almost always saddens me, even with the best remakes. I myself would probably not have seen it if the remake hadn't been coming out, so I guess I'm not one to talk, but it bugs me nonetheless.

Any further discussion about the film will go into SPOILERS territory, so I'll save that for the comments if anybody has thoughts of their own to share. If you've seen the remake, have you seen the original? If not, would you consider it? If you've seen the original and the remake, how do you think they compare?

Again, be warned: I plan to go full-on SPOILERS GALORE in the comments.

Henchgirl and I saw this at the Safeway:





Okay, look, I understand the "Team Edward" and "Team Jacob" stuff, I do. But "Team Bella"? She's not a team! She's the ball!

Eh, it's not worth worrying about. Not tonight, on this holiday's eve, which has somehow also become a holiday in its own right. It only today occurred to me how weird that was, as I realized that all the banks were closed. It's like how the college students in The Rules of Attraction throw a "Pre-Saturday-Night-Party Party."

Still, Henchgirl and I are getting into the spirit in our own way:





Now, in my defense... while the idea had certainly occurred to me while we were shopping for fake trees in the Target, it was my Henchgirl who suggested we actually do this.

Have I mentioned how supremely lucky I am to have found her? She actively encourages me to be as flagrantly geeky as I'd never allow myself to be in public. The decorations were her idea too. I love how the silver works on both sides. Really, all that's missing is a giant coin tree-topper.

Have a good one, folks. No matter what you do, no matter what you celebrate, stay safe and stay sane.




Well, at least until I pull together the Hugo Strange New Year's Eve post for about_faces. Funny how the next post in my series actually ties into the holiday. Go me, accidentally!