thehefner: (Scott and Barda are US SO SCHMOOPY)
[personal profile] thehefner
Henchgirl and I give you a massive 11 lbs bundle of win now officially named Harold (Hal) Tiberius Hefner.





A couple people assumed we'd name our boy Harvey, but even I'm not that cruel and/or stupid. Even still, while we love the name we've chosen and think it's better than any other name we could come up with (it offers up a ton of options, including "Harry" and "Ty," and maybe he'll even be a "Hef" as well), it's a bit weird not to think of him as anything other than "Baybeh." And no wonder, considering that we call each other "Boy" and "Girl" and refer to my cat Giorgio as "kitty."

And yes, you read that right. Eleven fucking pounds. Some people haven't found this uncommon, but the hospital certainly did. Two hours after delivery, random doctors and nurses kept popping in to see the Giant Baby for themselves. On top of that, he's 24 inches long, making him too big for newborn clothes. Also, did I mention that Henchgirl didn't have a C-section? Because she didn't. Yeah, bow down before the most hardcore goddamn fangirl in the world.

There's a whole story to go along with the birth, and if I had the energy, I could seriously have whipped together a tense and frighting scenario of fears and complications which eventually resulted in the delivery room being flooded with about eight or nine scrambling doctors and nurses working against the clock. A couple different nurses on separate occasions later told us that the delivery was the event of the day, and that this baby was one for the record books.

The important thing is that we're all okay. Exhausted and cranky, but okay. Oh, and did I mention that I'm performing my multimedia-heavy solo comedy The Road to Nowhere at the Capital Fringe Festival THIS FRIDAY? And that's not even counting the tech rehearsal on Thursday! Tech rehearsal! With lines, and where I have to make sure that all the equipment works! HAHAHAHAHA.

But it'll be okay. If Henchgirl can bring this guy into the world, I can survive the next couple weeks. Well, months, counting Indy Fringe. By that point, I imagine that our family situation will start looking a little like this:





Fucking hell. I'm a "Paw."

I can do this. Now, time to make sure the sleep works, make some diaper, change the pediatrician's office, call up to make an appointment at the projection equipment, and make certain to catch a few hours of baby formula. Monkey banana raffle. 4 //. Itchy. Tasty.

...

Okay, maybe some of that stuff can wait for after a bit of sleep. I gotta take it when I can get it now, after all.
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Date: 2011-07-06 01:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mandybling.livejournal.com
Daaaaaamn that's a big baby! Congratulations! ADORABLE!

Date: 2011-07-06 01:15 am (UTC)
ext_2280: (Default)
From: [identity profile] holli.livejournal.com
Congratualtions on your giant baby!

Date: 2011-07-06 01:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lalalatentacles.livejournal.com
Also, did I mention that Henchgirl didn't have a C-section? Because she didn't.

That's FANTASTIC, because there are very, very important bacteria a baby needs to acquire from the birth canal. So good on you guys!

Also, I was 10lbs5oz. Officially this baby has usurped me as the biggest baby I have ever heard of.

Date: 2011-07-06 01:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] leiacat.livejournal.com
Welcome to the world, Hal! Congrats & best wishes, you three.

Date: 2011-07-06 01:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fragmentedsky.livejournal.com
That is amazing. You guys (especially her, sorry) are epic! And the name is fantastic. Congratulations all around. ♥

Date: 2011-07-06 01:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thirdbase.livejournal.com
Congratulations!!! This is all because I referred to him as wee, isn't it?

We're very very excited for you three!!

Date: 2011-07-06 01:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tamburlaine.livejournal.com
Oh sweet jaysus... it's a baby.

Date: 2011-07-06 10:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thehefner.livejournal.com
I know, right???

Date: 2011-07-06 01:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oddityangel.livejournal.com
Aw, congrats! Henchgirl is hardcore.

Take care of each other ♥

Wooo!

Date: 2011-07-06 01:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gravityslave.livejournal.com
CONGRATS!!!
Perfect name, perfect face - your son is going to have Interesting Times in the most positive way! I haven't even been on LJ all that often of late and had no idea you two were multiplying times one-and-a-half. Good work!

Date: 2011-07-06 01:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] petrona.livejournal.com
Congrats and welcome Hal!!

FTR, my eldest brother is named Harvey.

Date: 2011-07-06 02:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] captaintwinings.livejournal.com
He's so cute. What color are his eyes?

You know that's almost twice what I weighed. A friend of the family gave birth about the same time you did, to a 1 pound 7 ounce premie. His foot is the size of half a thumb. So count yourself lucky to have a big giant baby.

We have a whole bunch of proper-sized baby clothes for you here, including two things Harvey Dent would put on his son.

Date: 2011-07-06 10:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thehefner.livejournal.com
They're a kind of slate gray that's apparently normal for babies, and we've been waiting to see whose eye color it'll have. Sadly, it looks like he's going to get her brown eyes rather than my blue ones.

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From: [identity profile] thehefner.livejournal.com - Date: 2011-07-06 10:11 am (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] captaintwinings.livejournal.com - Date: 2011-07-06 12:17 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2011-07-06 02:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kmousie.livejournal.com
Congratulations, my friend! :-D

Date: 2011-07-06 02:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] whimmydiddle.livejournal.com
Holy cow. I'm not a kid person, but even I've gotta admit, that's one heckuva cute smile. Congrats! Wishing you & Henchgirl joy, wonder, and some sleep!

Date: 2011-07-06 10:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thehefner.livejournal.com
Believe me, we're not kid people either. Maybe it's just the parental instincts kicking in full blast, but yeah, he really is damn cute.

Date: 2011-07-06 02:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] whimmydiddle.livejournal.com
When he's a drunken frat boy his buddies will call him Beery.

Date: 2011-07-06 03:05 am (UTC)
musyc: Silver flute resting diagonally across sheet music (Default)
From: [personal profile] musyc
Congratulations!

Date: 2011-07-06 03:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] surrealname.livejournal.com
I'm making this baby call me "unky Herb."

when do i get to teach it to drink scotch?

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From: [identity profile] surrealname.livejournal.com - Date: 2011-07-06 04:41 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] captaintwinings.livejournal.com - Date: 2011-07-06 06:53 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] surrealname.livejournal.com - Date: 2011-07-06 06:59 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] thehefner.livejournal.com - Date: 2011-07-06 07:31 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] surrealname.livejournal.com - Date: 2011-07-06 07:33 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2011-07-06 03:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] surrealname.livejournal.com
how the fuck did you produce a 2 foot long baby?

Date: 2011-07-06 10:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thehefner.livejournal.com
It's something in Mom's genetics, as both my brother and I were born several weeks early and were still eight and nine pounds. So yeah, Henchgirl has me to blame for that, most likely.

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From: [identity profile] surrealname.livejournal.com - Date: 2011-07-06 08:29 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2011-07-06 04:08 am (UTC)
ext_5946: (Too Cute)
From: [identity profile] civilbloodshed.livejournal.com
Dude, that is a huge ass baby. *bows down to henchgirl* Also, unbelievably adorable!

Date: 2011-07-06 04:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kiffie.livejournal.com
Congratulations on your successful completion of Operation: Baby Get!

Date: 2011-07-06 05:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] terheyt.livejournal.com
Welcome to the (not so) little one, and massive congratulations to Henchgirl and you. This news has me thrilled.

Date: 2011-07-06 06:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] box-in-the-box.livejournal.com
Long baby eyelashes are long. :)

Congratulations.

Date: 2011-07-06 10:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thehefner.livejournal.com
I should also have mentioned that he has a pretty full head of hair. I know that's not uncommon, but between that and the size, I feel like he just decided to fast-forward the process a few months.

Also, thanks for the post, man. :) The comments are already a hoot, just two in.

Date: 2011-07-06 07:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] deadwalrus.livejournal.com
Jesus, that was fast. I was expecting midnight announcements and liveblog coverage of the birth. Somehow it's actually much nicer to find out this way.

The whole birth sounds amazingly, fittingly epic. I bet he'll grow to bring about astounding feats, so he will.

Congratulations to both of you! And good luck with the fringe.

Date: 2011-07-06 07:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] deadwalrus.livejournal.com
(Also, sympathy and awe to Henchgirl - being a particular difficult birth, I have a great respect for anyone who has to go through even MORE extreme circumstances than the Very Intense But Wonderful Experience Of Childbirth. On the plus side, you can do as my Mum did and give him grief about it during his moody teenage years! Family funtimes.)

Date: 2011-07-06 08:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] insaneboingo.livejournal.com
Congratulations! :D
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