thehefner: (Default)
[personal profile] thehefner
For the past few weeks, I've kept trying to start writing a post that went, "So things are really fucked right now." The first time I was going to write that was going to be a difficult enough prospect already, since in many ways, I have literally YEARS of pent-up feelings and long-running problems which I haven't been able to articulate here, so I just kind of stopped trying. If I can't put my feelings into the words they need to be in, why bother wasting what little time and energy I have on a muddled, miserable, wallowing post that won't make sense anyway?

But finally, as of a month ago, I had reached that breaking point where I had to write SOMETHING out. And just as I got to work on "So things are really fucked right now..." things got even more fucked. And the fuckery just got worse and worse. Today, just as things were looking like they were improving, they got fucked even WORSE, and after spending an entire day feeling sick and angry and numb and helpless, we find out that, yes, the situation can indeed get even worse than the even worse that it already was as of this morning.

I don't think I can write this out. There's too much history, too much shit, too much... everything, and I'm so rusty with my writing that I cannot find the words to explain even the simplest of problems. I have lost touch with that part of me that could vent everything through words, could take all of the angst and drama and mold it into something of worth here, if not on stage. I feel like I'm trapped in tar, and I'm so tired from the struggle that I don't even have the strengths to try lifting up one arm. Maybe actually writing this post counts.

So I guess this is just me doing my best to check in, say hi, let you all know that things suck right now, but we're still here, we're carrying on, and we're holding out for the time when things improve and will actually stay improved for an extended period of time. Hopefully, I'll be able to find the words again and then this LJ will actually mean something to me once more. Until then, if you've missed your daily dose of Hefner, you can find me at [livejournal.com profile] about_faces, my Tumblr, or my Facebook. I'll just keep writing about geek stuff until I can write about myself again.
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September 2012

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