thehefner: (Bill the Butcher: They Tuk Er Jerbs!)
Y'know, I've known several people who have no interest in Captain America because they understandably think he's nothing but a gung-ho jingoistic flag-waving conservative superhero. It was for this very reason that I was afraid the upcoming CAP film would result in... well, did anyone see this Tea Bagger photo?





Yeah. I was expecting to see dozens, even hundreds of people sporting Cap costumes and memorabilia at Tea Bag rallies, giving their own "do you even know what you're doing to be doing it wrong?" protests ala how 4Chan has utilized V FOR VENDETTA to protest Scientology. Because hey, the guy's name is CAPTAIN MOTHERFUCKING AMERICA! He dresses like a 4th of July parade! He has little eagle wings on his head! AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!

Now, at this point, I would start composing my own impassioned defense of Cap to all those who've never really read the character, but guess what? Now some of the Tea Baggers are actually going AFTER Captain America for not being patriotic ENOUGH.

They probably wouldn't have, if CAP director Joe Johnson hadn't opened his big mouth and said absolutely right and true things about how Steve Rogers is "not this sort of jingoistic American flag-waver," but instead a good person who represents the ideals of America.

Of course, Tea Bagger bloggers took issue with this, displaying obvious knowledge and appreciation for the character, seeing this as further evidence to condemn Hollywood:

"The same industry that spent hundreds of million of dollars on a dozen-plus embarrassingly awful anti-American flops that were specifically designed to undermine morale at home so we would lose the war in Iraq is now putting the brakes on the Americanism of a character named Captain America."

For extra fun, be sure to read the comments, littered with angry and disappointed people saying things like "This one hurts," and "They should call him Captain France.*"

Honestly, I'd figure all the Tea Baggers would need to know about Cap's politics and outlook on America was formed by his being a direct production of the FDR years. But then again, these are the same people who worship Ayn Rand as the savior of all that's good and true of America while ignoring the fact that she was a staunch atheist and therefore at odds with, well, probably most of their core values. Not to mention fucking evil. So I can't expect the Tea Baggers to actually think about such things.

But that's just the abstract. They can ignore such a thing, because the actual character is on their side, right? Well, if they're thinking about the Captain America from the 1950's, sure. THAT Cap--an impostor who took over the role while the real Cap from WWII was frozen in an iceberg, oh comics--was a flag-waving, jingoistic asshole, a Commie-bashing Red-phobic rabble-rouser who had his ass kicked by the REAL Cap.

And then, he delivers this speech.





Yeah. THAT'S Captain America. For the full skinny on what's going on in that story, here's a synopsis and analysis. Damn, I need to find me that issue.

The Daily Kos article expands upon those points better than I'm equipped to, at present. And in truth, I'm not even that big of a fan. I'm a DC boy, remember. I certainly want to read more Cap, but I'm still getting into him.

My main hope is that--when you inevitably see Tea Baggers who didn't get the memo co-opting Captain America in protests--you won't think it's because the character represents their jingoistic luv-it-er-leeve-it ideals. You'll think of that above panels, and how even Cap himself would say, "America: you're doing it wrong."

All that said? His movie costume still needs the little wings on the sides of his helmet. Just sayin'.




*Maybe they'd prefer Mark Millar's Cap from THE ULTIMATES, a much-loved alternate universe series where all the Marvel heroes are turned into assholes, fascists, sociopaths, perverts, idiots, or madmen. So, y'know, Mark Millar characters.
thehefner: (We Don't Need... Rhodes)
The AV Club asks their staff, "What movies/TV episodes scared the holy living crap out of you as a child?"

For me, the BLOB remake still causes me to be very, very wary of sink and shower drains (IT had/has the same effect on one of the AV viewers, and that was a much cheesier movie with crappier special effects), and it's awesome to hear about all the people still freaked out by RETURN TO OZ. But the most gratifying part of this article is that it starts with one person confessing to what freaked her out as a child:

ERNEST SCARED STUPID.

Yes, as Jim Varney's Ernest. His Halloween movie from 1991.

Thank god, I thought I was the only one terrified of that fucking movie as a kid. Specifically, this scene at the 8:00 mark.



Okay, so it doesn't really hold up today unlike THE BLOB, which I watch today with a mixture of adult Heffie loving the awesome 80's horror film and li'l Heffie cringing in horror of the thought of being suffocated AND FUCKING DISSOLVED AND EATEN ALIVE but when you're eight years old, holy god, WTF. And look, look! I'm not the only one! In the article's comments, one person pinpoints the exact scene I was thinking of:

"I still refuse to watch that goddamn movie. The scene where the girl is convinced the troll is under her bed, and she finally works up the courage to look under her bed, and the troll isn't there, and she rolls over AND THE GODDAMN TROLL IS RIGHT NEXT TO HER scared me into never ever turning around in bed for about five years after watching the movie. And the idea of being trapped in a statue, paralyzed without thought, for centuries and centuries, utterly terrified me. Still does."

YES. OH YES THANK GOD, SWEET VINDICATION SEVENTEEN YEARS LATER. AHAHAHAHA.




In other news of personal gratification, it's so wonderful to know that a Rhodes* scholar can still have a twelve-year-old boy's sense of humor.



I must have Rachel Maddow's babies.

Damn it, if anyone could find a way, it'd be ME!




*Damn it, I need to do a better version of this icon someday.
thehefner: (Harvey Dent: Community Organizer)
I need some perspective from politically-minded folks to gauge just how fucking furious I should be in regards to the Consumer Product Safety Improvement Act (CPSIA), which could/will not only ban children under twelve from libraries, but--as it affects resale of "children's" projects, which includes games, toys, books, and comics of whatever stripe fits anyone's definition of "for kids"--could/will severely impact resale markets in places like the Goodwill, used book stores, eBay, etc?

So what think you, folks with perspective and more understanding than me? Tempest in a teapot, something already being rectified by sane minds, or a serious "write to your fucking Congressman/Senator/Justice League representative yesterday" situation?
thehefner: (Harvey Dent: Community Organizer)
Man, I'm so glad we wimped out and stayed home with blankets and beer. That was good. Even with--as [livejournal.com profile] tazira put it--Elizabeth Alexander being "full of epic poetry fail*," and Chris Matthews and Olbermann being pompous and insufferable,** I am truly moved today.

Take it away, Even Ste/v/ph/ens:




*As Edd put it, her cadence is a prime reason why so many people unfortunately hate poetry. She was an accent away for doing a Christopher Walken impression. Thank god for tiny elderly black ministers saving the day.

**Edd turned down my suggestion to watch Fox News to see everyone grumble and be bitterly passive-aggressive. Regardless, MSNBC's coverage, like all things in life, needs moar Rachel Maddow. I would be willing to get a sex change if it gave me the chance to be with her. Plus, she's a comic geek! Can I just go back 14 years and get punky Rhodes scholar Rachel to be my spunky lesbian sidekick?
thehefner: (Harvey Dent: Community Organizer)
1.) The man said the night was always darkest just before the dawn. I think the dawn just arrived.

2.) That said, I think [livejournal.com profile] tommx put it best: "The true work begins."

3.) Following that, I think I have fixed the Harvey Dent mix. If you had any problems downloading or playing it before, try these: Part One and Part Two. They're now all m4a files, and hopefully in order. Let me know if it works all right, so I can pimp it on a couple relevant LJ communities! These kids have probably never heard a Peter Gabriel song in their lives!

4.) And yet, amid the joyous dancin' in the streets, California's Prop 8 passing is this election's Captain Buzzkill. That said, thanks to [livejournal.com profile] rosered2318 for putting it into perspective with the thought of it going to the Supreme Court. Here's hoping.

5.) Magnolia (the name of the minivan I will be driving) is nearly ready for travel. The only thing I think I need to get is a portable hot plate or stove for making soup and ramen and whatnot. Probably wanna go to Target. What else am I forgetting?

6.) Seriously, folks. Karaoke. Remingtons. Tonight. Anyone in? If it's not happening, fine by me, I have packing to do. But it's my last huzzah, I'm off tomorrow. So what's it going to be, then?

EDIT: 7.) Oh, wait, Mo's at Austin Grill tonight? That might be even better! Nachos and margaritas and not making an ass of myself, I approve!
thehefner: (SEXLEXIA)
Ugh, sorry if the Harvey Dent mix is being problematic for anyone. A hundred drunken lemurs are hard at work trying to find a solution. They would be sober, but they're too anxious today.

I think this is my second presidential election where I could vote, but this one felt... kinda cool, actually. Got a little twinge of pride and everything.

Alas, would that I'd known who else was on the ballot, my vote might have gone elsewhere...

See more funny videos at Funny or Die


At first, I was wondering, "Wait, what's the inside of a DC Metro station doing there?!" But then I realized it's perfect, as the DC Metro is a beautiful example of the 1970's idea of what the future would look like.
thehefner: (Harvey Dent: Community Organizer)
Speaking as...

1.) a solo performer struggling with trying to be a success without cheaply exploiting my family connection (too much)

2.) a casual fan of James Ellroy

And 3.) one of the many who feel betrayed by John McCain

... the following essay by comedian and animated-rat-voicer Patton Oswalt was the most personally meaningful I've read throughout this whole crazy-ass election. Indeed, from a strictly non-political performer standpoint alone, it might be up there with finding Steve Martin's BORN STANDING UP. And from a political standpoint... well, just check it out for yourselves.

***

And You Will Be Fascinated By Defeat
By Patton Oswalt
10.24.2008

I'm fascinated by John McCain.

Forty years from now, some future James Ellroy (or Ellroy himself, if we can find a way to remove his head and attach it to an indestructible writer-bot) will write a "Millennium Trilogy", covering the Clintons, the rise and fall of Bush, and the ascendancy of Obama.

We stumbled into the early 90's, led by a Southern good ole boy on a constant pussy hunt. But the good ole boy made everyone richer and then got impeached for a blow job. Then it was time to enter the new millennium with an East Coast, rich-boy, born-again cokehead draft dodger who got us into an unnecessary war. Now we're about to elect a black guy raised by a single mom, whose middle name is the same as the dictator we toppled in the bullshit war the cowardly draft dodger started.

Try pitching that to New Line.



I've just done a blaze-through of Ellroy's American Tabloid and The Cold Six Thousand, in anticipation of Blood's A Rover being released next year. Ellroy writes like a machine-gunner dry-swallowing Benzedrine, and that's how you stutter-lurch through the Kennedy years - the 1960 election, Papa Kennedy's power-lust, Bobby's justice-lust, and Jack's just plain lust, fueled by back pain and an obliquely expressed death-wish. I'll probably re-read the goddamn things next summer, so I can fall straight into the third when it hits the stands. 1300 pages that read like a Chick tract.

And what the books do - with eerie cameos by J. Edgar Hoover, Howard Hughes, Jimmy Hoffa, Jack Ruby and Carlos Marcello - is show how the sure-footed and graceful actually dodged the darker, more instructive areas of our history. It was the confused, misguided, violent and despairing people who cracked reality, and sent us into the jungles of Vietnam, the streets of Chicago, and outer space. It took an innate failure of spirit to defeat and re-shape reality.

Obama is sure-footed and graceful. He's going to win. He knows the moment he becomes angry he gets tagged as "militant". So he's armed himself with calm. Let his opponent shriek and bark like a meth head, and scare the populace.

He's going to make history.

But McCain, someday, is going to make a great novel. He doesn't want to be a part of it, but it'll be one of the most readable things to come out of this dark spiral we've been going through for eight years. And worry - the spiral isn't terminal. At the last minute - just like America's always done - we'll pull ourselves away from the spinning blades. There's going to come a day when we won't. That day isn't now.

So, Obama's going to win.

But all I can think of is McCain. )



source

Some people found that funny. Not me, man. Just insightful. Kinda makes you wish Patton's stand-up routine featured this guy more often, rather than that hobbit with Tourette syndrome talking about fast food (although that Famous Bowls bit is kinda legendary now).

Still, comparing Old McCain/New McCain to crushed sell-out comedians pandering to their crowds... it kinda puts this in a whole different perspective, doesn't it?



(Cindy stole the whole bit, IMO).


*I wanna reiterate that part: "There's a part in every human you can reach that laughs and thinks and maybe disagrees with you, but stays intrigued with you, in the long run. And that's how you build a career and a body of work. It takes longer, but every minute is fun. And you never have to swallow anything that tastes sickening."

THAT'S why I'm not wearing goddamn bunny ears.
thehefner: (Cyclops as ELVIS!)


I demand video of this event. Stat. )

Context is, as they say, for the weak. But here it is for the weaklings out there.

I think this blows both "M.C. Rove" and Bush's "Africa Malaria Day" dancing out of the water. I am dying of laughter, whereas Mom is *still* deeply disturbed.
thehefner: (Harvey Dent: Community Organizer)
I usually keep my damn trap shut when it comes to politics. I enjoy reading (but not commenting on) the political thoughts of folks here, particularly [livejournal.com profile] interdisciple, [livejournal.com profile] tompurdue, [livejournal.com profile] pokeyburro, [livejournal.com profile] dryponder, [livejournal.com profile] box_in_the_box, and [livejournal.com profile] madmoisellestar*. Ever since Sarah Palin came onto the scene, I've been checking [livejournal.com profile] ontd_political on a near-hourly basis, even though I suspect it's not good for the ol' blood pressure.

Yet all the same, I keep my damn trap shut. Most of my beliefs are being better said by more passionate and eloquent individuals, and the last time I made the mistake of discussing one of the others, it ended up... well, let's just say "badly." It got better! But still, a potent reminder of why I snap my yap.

But a couple videos have come to my attention. One is from the best kept secret in Late Night, Craig Furgeson. Why the hell don't I watch him every night? From a sheer monologuist's standpoint, he's one of my heroes. The dude's a brilliant tangentist (we deserve a title), hilarious but always seeming open and honest and not afraid to go serious and make it work. His monologue about the death of his father was particularly powerful, and his Britney Spears monologue (where he discussed his dark alcoholic past) was fantastic. This is from last night.

"If you don't vote, you're a moron."



Damn straight.

What's really sad is if the major news networks were successful in trying to be the Daily Show, we'd be seeing shit like this on the actual news rather than on some comedy show:



I love the Daily Show, I watch it every time, but they haven't been that scathing and dead-on in a long time. Or at least, not often enough. With videos like the following, I wonder if I'll have to check out the Onion's videos for my more hardcore political satire.

"Portrayal Of Obama As Elitist Hailed As Step Forward For African Americans."


Portrayal Of Obama As Elitist Hailed As Step Forward For African Americans

Magnificent.

Okay, back to talking about the Harvey Dent Monologues (or whatever this blog is about) before the arguments start.



*Who made the single best comment I've ever heard on spiteful Hillary voters threatening to vote for McCain over Obama: "It's like you started looking to buy a new car, and you were thinking Hybrid. You decided you wanted the Prius, but only the Fit was in stock near you, so what do you do? Fuck it, you're gettin' an Escalade. That'll show them."

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