The Songs of Johnny Go

I occasionally get automated e-mails this online talent agency type dealie I signed up for a couple years ago, back when I was trying to get professional acting goals.

You know how it works: it's free to sign up and post a profile--complete with headshots, resume, stats, and whatnot--and they automatically hook you up with a whole bunch of audition opportunities that fit your criteria. Of course, if you want to respond to any of them, you need to sign up for a paid account. Basically, it's just like online dating sites (and I still get e-mails from those old accounts too, for that matter).

Today, however, I got an e-mail that caught my attention. Apparently, they're casting major roles for the GREEN LANTERN movie with Ryan Reynolds. And I fit the criteria required for the role of the villain:



Role # 3 - DR. HECTOR HAMMOND
Submission Successful
09-18-09 11:54pm
Seeking 1 talent(s) for this role

A pathologist. He is cold and harsh. He is pretty despicable.


( But here's a little more info on Dr. Hammond, for those not familiar with the guy... )

Now, here's the thing. Don't think I'm not suspicious and cynical about the whole audition notice. Allowing non-union actors to audition for the MAJOR roles of Abin Sur, Sinestro, Carol, and Hammond? Yeah, smells like bullshit to me. Although chud.com did a whole piece of it and Hammond's inclusion (written by my favorite joyless bastard, Devin Faraci, who hates all this Hal and GL anyway) so the auditions themselves seem legit.

But even if so, my chances are pretty frelling slim mainly for the fact that I have absolutely zero acting experience in film/TV. I'm purely theatre, and community/college theatre at that. I mean, I know I have it in me to play a creep, a sleaze, a cold and pathological villain. Just give me a good director, and I can pull it off. Seriously, I can't tell you how many times I've done roles like Hank in John Halder in GOOD in DOCTOR FAUSTUS and get comments from people who are so amazed to discover that, holy crap, I actually have range! I just wish I had video proof of this, but damn it, I have nothing!

Besides, my profile on that site is so ridiculously out of date that... well, I still have a full head of hair in my headshot, that's how long it's been. I haven't head headshots in years, just those Roy Cox glamor/publicity photos! I figured I couldn't possibly use any of those! Hell, the first set are virtually useless to me now due to the fact that, at the time, I was sporting a lame, sleazy goat... tee...

And then it hit me. Yes. Yes, I do have a picture to use, don't I?

So yeah, I know, I'm almost certainly not going to even get a call of interest, much less an audition out of this. And of course, getting my account canceled before the 7-day-trial-period is up will be a pain in the ass. But damn it, it'll be worth the trouble, even just to submit an anemic resume so that I can include this picture:



"Why, Miss Ferris, where do you think you're going? Don't bother answering. I already know."

God, I knew that horrible little perv-beard would come in handy one day.

I have been interviewed by the great bagelofdeath. Let's see what she has to ask:


1) What do you consider your greatest accomplishment?

I think it'd have to be the road trip (but if I survive my summer tour this year, that'll be to new winner). Someday, I'm gonna continue my road trip photo posts, and even throw in a video or two. Right now, I still need some time to decompress.

Someday, I hope to answer that question with "getting my Harvey Dent novel published by DC Comics."



2) What is the strangest food you really and truly enjoy?

Peanut butter and Miracle Whip sandwiches. Don't judge me until you've tried it. Which you never will, and will judge me anyway. It's a family tradition, started by my grandmother (not surprising from the woman who'd eat a bucket of sweetened Crisco), carried on by Mom. I don't know what to tell you people, but it works. Although these days, I don't do the full sandwich thing anymore, instead making PB&MW mini-sandwiches with saltines for a quick snack.

Really, maybe I should have just said "pineapple and sausage pizza," but that would have been boring.



3) If you could have any job in the world, what would it be? Do you think you have a good chance of doing this job one day?

A solo performer. By which I mean, a relatively-famous and prestigious solo performer with enough income to live comfortably (and also afford things like marketing, an agent, etc). I think I do have a good chance of attaining that some day, but I do worry that I'm not doing everything I could to get there. But so far, I've never felt anything quite so fulfilling as writing and performing my own work, and I want to keep doing it as long as possible. Or at least, unless the 2009 tour breaks my spirit entirely.

Ideally, I'd want John C. Reilly's life, where I could do my own thing, plus act on stage, in arthouse movies and frat comedies, and even show up in sketch comedy and animation.



4) Cast your ultimate Batman movie, knowing you cannot cast the same people in the same roles they've already played. So Liam Neeson COULD NOT be in your movie as Ra's Al Ghul, but could be Rachel Dawes. And your ideal Batman movie can be your novel IF--and only if--it includes all the villains. Basically I'm asking you to cast everybody in Batman. But in a roundabout way. SO DO IT.

Harvey Dent: Hugh Jackman
Gilda Lamont-Dent: Rachel Weisz
Bruce Wayne/Batman: Daniel Day-Lewis (with some of that Benjamin Button youthifizing CGI)
Lieutenant/Captain/Commissioner James Gordon: Josh Brolin
Christopher “Double-Down” Dent: Harry Dean Stanton
Vincent “The Boss” Moroni: Ray Liotta
Carmine “The Roman” Falcone: Robert De Niro
Carl Grissom: Al Pacino
Rupert Thorne: Paul Sorvino
Adrian Fields: Leland Orser
Dr. Rudolph Klemper: Sir Derek Jacobi
Dr. Hugo Strange: Sir Ben Kingsley
Jack Ryder: Stephen Colbert
Alfred Pennyworth: Hugh Laurie
Mayor Hamilton Hill: Scott Wilson
Detective Harvey Bullock: Brendan Gleeson
Detective Renee Montoya: Michelle Rodriguez
Willis Todd: Jason Lee
Butch Montrose: Ethan Suplee
Micky “Mad Dog” Pike: Nicky Katt
The Joker: Brad Dourif (with makeup and BB-CGI)
Oswald Cobblepot/The Penguin: Kelsey Grammer (with the help of John Rhys-Davies' people from LORD OF THE RINGS)
Edward Nigma/The Riddler: Matt Frewer (BB-CGI)
Jonathan Crane/The Scarecrow: Jeremy Davies
Selina Kyle/Catwoman: Rosario Dawson
Harleen Quinzel/Harley Quinn: Isla Fisher
Pamela Isley/Poison Ivy: Cate Blanchett
Victor Fries/Mr. Freeze: Clive Owen
Jervis Tetch/Mad Hatter: David Tennant
Waylon Jones/Killer Croc: Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje
Ra’s al Ghul: Naveen Andrews

My apologies if I've horrified you by miscasting your favorite character. I don't entirely stand by all of these, so if you have any suggestions, let me know.



5) What item do you covet more than anything right now?

Honestly, this sounds strange, but for right now... I think I'm gonna have to go with that Gilda Dent drawing.

Oh rock, Brad Dourif was on LAW AND ORDER tonight (thanks for the heads-up, gnort!

The script itself was a bit dubious, but Dourif was excellent as always. I found myself cheering when the single tear rolled down his face. I realized that's kind of his trademark; really intense acting with a single tear shed in one or both eyes. He did it in ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, he did it in EXORCIST III, he did in it in the excellent X-Files episode "Beyond the Sea," he did it in LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS as Wormtongue, and I'm fairly certain he did it in BABYLON 5. I wonder if Chucky the killer doll ever cried?

If he were more famous, we'd totally have "Brad Dourif tears" montages on YouTube. Any other instances come to mind, Dourif fans?

God, can someone please make THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS movie already so Dourif can play elderly Joker? Especially after what Heath Ledger seems to be doing, Brad Dourif would be absolutely fucking chilling. "Batman. Darling."

But who'd be old Batman? Mickey Rourke? And what about bald Harvey Dent? In any case, I call Sam Elliot for Jim Gordon!



Speaking of Harvey Dent and awesome character actors, I recently have added a new level of pipe dream to my Harvey Dent novel saga.

It seems that Richard Moll (Bull from NIGHT COURT and voice of Harvey/Two-Face on BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES) pretty much works for scale these days, doing low budget movies, short films, and web shows. I'm assuming it's a personal choice on his part, but then again, I wonder how many roles there are for a huge guy like him?

Well, in either case... it got me thinking that maybe, a few years down the line when I've edited the thing to a place of satisfaction... mayhaps I could get Richard Moll to perform the Harvey Dent novel on tape.

(Yes, yes, bloo_mountain, I'll track down Mark Hamill and try to get him to do a cameo as well; at that point, shit, why don't I just go and get Bob Hastings and Kevin Conroy to play Jim and Bruce and I can just relive my entire childhood. I'm cool with that.)

Whether or not I can ever get DC to publish the Harvey Dent novel, the thought of Richard Moll performing the entire book from Harvey's perspective(s)... I don't care if it's fanboy wankery, it gives me chills.

Hey, if some film school brat can get Adam West, Mark Hamill, Courtney Thorne Smith, and Dick Van Dyke to voice a short animated Batman film, and if entropicalia can hire the lead singer of the Verve Pipe to come perform at her home, why the hell not?