The Songs of Johnny Go

A few weeks ago, during my short-lived obsession with falafel, I went to the Georgetown Quick Pita and discovered a brand-new shop opening up across the street. Its name was "Georgetown Cupcake."

My immediate first thought was that it had to be ironic, like the teen jewlery store "Icing" or "Banana Republic," a cute name for a non-food shop. Or at least, a restaurant/coffee house that sold more than just cupcakes. No way in hell a shop, tucked away off M street in Georgetown, could possibly survive just selling cupcakes and coffee.

In the weeks since it's opened, the line for Georgetown Cupcake has been stretched around the block. And indeed, it's all simply for cupcakes and coffee.

Now, I never much cared for cake in general. It's nice enough, sure, essential for birthdays and weddings. But like all good people with souls intact, I'm a pie man. Everybody loves or should love pie. Pie is everything good and warm and gooey wrapped up in a crust of similar, complementary delightfulness. Whether it be fruit, meat, cheese, spinach, Chiron, and/or Demitrius, pie is always a good thing, and generally superior to what is essentially a sweet bread (not to be confused with actual sweetbreads, which can be found in Chiron & Demitrius pie).

So cakes and cupcakes hold no special appeal for me, and heck, I'm seriously trying to limit my intake of junk and sweets. As the comic shop is across the street from Five Guys Burgers (best in DC!) and a couple blocks from Thomas Sweet's Ice Cream and Home-Made Fudge (from which, I confess, I have lately indulged in a MILKSHAKE or two), I've built up a lot of willpower over the years.

But as Monday was my birthday, I decided I would treat myself. So I strolled on over to discover that it... was closed. Closed Mondays. Birthday, differed.

So Tuesday rolls around, and I'm on my lunch break, so I decide now, NOW, I would finally have my cupcake. But no, the store was closed, a sign in the door reading, "Sold Out of Cupcakes. Will Have More After 5pm." Soooooo I went there after work, beholding the menu of all the cupcakes they had on display--Red Velvet, Vanilla Squared, Chocolate Squared, Chocolate Cubed, Lemon Blossom, Blueberry Coffee Cake, Honey Yogurt, and many more--but in fact, they only had one style left: coconut with cream cheese frosting. Many people hate coconut for some reason. Fortunately for me, I adore it.

And after explaining my plight, the frustration of a cupcake-less birthday the owner gave me the coconut cupcake for free! Hell, I really wasn't fishing for that. I was just trying to make conversation, or maybe get them to give me special sprinkles or something! Maybe sing to me like they do at Bennigans! So I silently vowed that I would return and buy more cupcakes... but only if they really were anything special, because really, how good can a cupc--

...

oh dear sweet fucknutters wow.

Maybe I'm just not used to hand-made from-scratch cupcakes. Maybe I'm just accustomed to a lifetime of Betty Crocker and frosting that either comes from a can or is my mother's decorative Crisco frosting (NOT for mass consumption, Grandma). Maybe it was just the minor triumph of the moment. I'm not going to say it was the best cupcake I've ever had, even if I can't think of any that topped the experience, but at that moment (to paraphrase the PINEAPPLE EXPRESS trailer) that cupcake tasted like God's vagina.

So I went back the next afternoon... and they were sold out. Fuck.

And I went back that evening, after they'd made more... and were sold fucking out fucking again.

That night, I literally dreamt of cupcakes. Or rather, the continued failure to get there before the cupcakes were all gone. I tried visiting that store several times in my dreams, but each time, they started selling bagels, burgers, and all manner of new foods... but nope, still sold out of cupcakes! And then the bakers and baristas all laughed at me because I was naked. I woke up in a cold sweat.

And so went there this morning, and discovered that 1.) there were already ten people waiting in line outside the shop, and 2.) the shop didn't open until 11:00, which is the same time I needed to open the COMIC shop! After waiting till the last minute, I said "fuck it, I'll call them up and ask them to hold me a cupcake." I eventually did, but they said they weren't sure if they'd be able to do so, since the line was still crazy, but they'd try.

Back at work, I threw the "Back in Five Minutes" sign in the window and headed down four blocks to Georgetown Cupcake, where the line was shorter... but standstill. Fifteen minutes I stood in that line, waiting for the drenched gray sky to open up, neglecting my comic shop and making absolutely zero headway. I had no choice but to bail out, taking a meager consolation falafel from Quick Pita, and head back to find my own line waiting for me outside the comic shop. Okay, well, it was just one guy, but still. A poor neglected BUFFY fan, and all for the want of a cupcake.

Hours passed before the store was empty again to throw the sign back in the window. But rather than go all the way there for nothing again, I called them up first to ask how the line was, and if it was still bad, to pass my cupcake along to someone else. A different, less friendly (as you would be having to deal with rabid cupcake enthusiasts) clerk said the line was bad as ever, and on top of it, they were out. Furthermore, the new batch of cupcakes they were making would likely be sold out by the time I got out of work. And it's not their policy to reserve cupcakes.

Oh, you thought a post this long was going somewhere in particular? Nope! It has all ended in continual failure, and now here I sit: a bubbling mass of cupcake-less frustration.

Mayhaps I shall make one last cupcake attempt later today. We shall see. *sobs* I just want a fucking cupcake, people!

Oh Starro the Star Conquerer, where are you when I need you?