thehefner: (Hamlet: Monologue)
One of the things that I worry about and obsess over is my desire to reach people as an artist. Not just to entertain, not just to make 'em laugh, but to actually get inside their heads and hearts for at least a moment, preferably staying with them for an hour or twenty afterward, if not longer.

Another Fringe performer by the name of Laura Harris* put it very well: "When I leave a show, I want to feel transformed." And when you're at Fringe, seeing show after show after show, the desire to create something that affects people to the point of transformation becomes all the more insistent.

Unfortunately for me, I've known for years that I'm a niche performer. I'm not destined for mainstream success, but I have a good chance to become a cult favorite, with a fan following that scares the crap out of me. To top it off, the HEFNER MONOLOGUES shows are very personal, with me tearing out my own heart on stage to the mercy and approval of the audience.

All this is made especially problematic considering that HOW HEFNERIAN in particular is a decidedly inclusive show, littered with obscure geek references (what other solo shows feature shout-outs to THE NINTH CONFIGURATION?). It's one thing to think about this, to intellectually know and prepare for this beforehand. But it's something else entirely to perform to live audience members over an hour and watch them not really caring about you in real time.

After the first performance of HOW HEFNERIAN in Orlando, I was in a funk. I know first performances are always rough, and I'm always in a funk after them, and that twelve people in the first night is par for the course (even considering the fact that we gave away 800 frickin' postcards in the first couple days alone!), but even still, I had one of my big Fringe friends in the audience, and I wanted to make a big impact, and they were quiet and polite and... yeah, it was a good show, but not what it should/could have been.

But what was especially worrying me was that I was having the show filmed the very next day. I'd wanted to have them record a later performance, so I could be suitably warmed up into it, but I signed up rather last minute so the only one they could fit into their packed schedule was the second performance.

Now, this isn't the first time I've had my show filmed. In my original HEFNER MONOLOGUES run, my mother made her best attempt to film it, but she kept forgetting to follow me with the camera, and every time I made a joke, her own motherly cackles would drown out the actual audience laughter. And besides, that was the show in its roughest, earliest incarnation. So no, that's unusable for promo video.

And then there was the performance filmed for me in Boulder Fringe, before an audience of about five people, including my mother again. And while she really tried her best to muffle herself, there's not much one can do to hide cackles against four other people. And again, the show's improved since then. So that's too is unusuable for anything more than giving me something to watch--in private--so I can take notes with a bottle of wine in me. Not for public consumption, dig.

But not only was I afraid of history repeating itself with this filming, but to top it off, the filming was going to be done by Dewey Chaffee, one of the rock stars of Orlando Fringe. I remembered Dewey from last year... or more specifically, I remembered his signature creation, Wayburn Sassy, the beloved and cantankerous host of the SCREW-YOU REVUE.**

At least, that's what I knew of him, as I regrettably hadn't seen his show last year. To me--a then-first-time performer at Orlando, an outsider with a shaky first show and his supportive mother in tow--Wayburn was one of the giants of a festival that favors the local favorites. That was the big impression I got from Orlando last year: the local favorites are the ones who really pack the houses. Those, and the returning out-of-towners who've established themselves in previous festivals.

As such, I was feeling pretty confident when I arrived in Orlando this year. Not only had I established myself with my show last year, but then I learned that most of the big names (local and non) would be sitting it out this time! While that would mean missing out on the latest work of luminaries such as Gemma Wilcox and T.J. Dawe, I figured, hey, maybe that'll mean I'll stand out more! Too bad I didn't count on the fact that constant rain and thunder would kick Orlando's ass for the next week, resulting in smaller-than-usual weeknight houses for most artists. I know I wasn't the only one performing to houses of three or four at one point.

So after that first night, I was doing my usual thing and taking it all really hard. In fact, I was still feeling down and dour the next day, when we had the durian smoothie. That right there was the first step to cheering me up, in a weird way. Well, that, and the performance itself.

It wasn't the largest house I would get, but it was definitely the best: the energy and enthusiasm from that crowd was astounding, and somewhere between what they gave me, my own warmed-up energy from the previous night, and maybe even the durian smoothie, it was a damn near well perfect performance. The best of the seven I did. And to top it off, Dewey was there, getting it all on film.

For the first time, I'm actually excited to see a recording of myself. I still haven't yet. It should be arriving any day now via mail, and from there, I'll see what I can do about posting it online. Putting clips on YouTube and hosting the whole video somewhere else. That alone kept my confidence going through the rest of the performances that week. Even when I had four people in the audience, all of them silent throughout the show save for a chuckle or two, I felt good enough about myself to perform in spite of them! And by the time we got to the last two performances, with one sold-out and the other packed, I already felt like Orlando 2009 was a success!

But because I'm me--little Mr. Insecure John Hefner--something else was still lacking. I couldn't shake the feelings of inadequacy, of just having a good show amid some excellent and downright-brilliant ones. Shows like THE CODY RIVERS SHOW, 7(x1) SAMURAI, and Martin Dockery's WANDERLUST... they truly leave the audience transformed. And they're able to do it while still filling houses, their work resonating with large numbers of people.

And while I could already feel like I could leave Orlando this year with my head held high, a wee bit more money in my pocket than before, and my name a bit better known for future festivals... that nagging aspiration still ate away at me.

That is, until I met up with Dewey to talk about my recording, and he told me how much my show meant to him, how it affected and inspired him. I've had Fringe artists tell me they enjoy my work (some more sincerely than others), but never before had I been told that my work was actually "inspirational." There are no words for how much this means to me. No words.

He reminded me what I keep forgetting, how not everyone's gonna "get" it, but those who do will never forget my performance. And lest I ever do, he sent me this video, a clip from an upcoming Fringe documentary:

Once my head stops swimming, and the abuzzed feeling departs, I'm gonna have to write to [ profile] cavenessity and finally get my website updated! Oh god, Wayburn Sassy LIKES me? I'm scared, hold me!

Times like this, I feel especially privileged to be able to do all this. Pursing my art, connecting with other artists, making new friends, and leaving some impact on others, even if it's just a couple at a time. My thanks to Dewey and to you all for putting up with my roller-coaster neurosis and grounding me when I need it.

So yeah. Bring on June 11th for Montreal Fringe and onward.

*Her wonderful solo show, PITCH BLOND, now seriously makes me want to watch BORN YESTERDAY and any other Judy Holiday movies I can find. Holy crap, Judy's awesome (from what I know of her from Laura's show), and to top it off, she's Harley Quinn! No, seriously! Is there any confirmation out there that Arleen Sorkin based the Harley voice on Judy? Because that HAS to be Harley's voice!

**Passing me by in Fringe lobby last year, Wayburn glanced at me in my cocked bowler derby and grumbled, "I loved you in the Culture Club." Hey, that's a new one! Usually I just get CLOCKWORK ORANGE digs! I've got a lot of work ahead of me, taking back the bowler derby from that movie!
thehefner: (Venture Bros: Boop)
On the heels of my triumphant-ish Orlando Fringe production of THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES: HOW HEFNERIAN,* two show-related things have occurred:

1.) Katee Sackhoff to be Typhoid Mary in a new DAREDEVIL movie? I wouldn't put too much stock in this story; pretty much the exact same thing happened when Traci Thoms came into my store to buy everything Misty Knight related, and we haven't heard a damn thing about a DAUGHTERS OF THE DRAGON movie since. Which is a shame, because how fucking awesome would Traci be as Misty?

2.) I have just briefly reunited with the great Emm Gryner an hour ago at the 9:30 Club. She wasn't headlining or even performing solo, sadly, but was instead playing piano and doing backup vocals for A Camp, a great band fronted by Nina Persson of the Cardigans. Emm was radiant and sweet as ever, and this time I only made a mild ass of myself. She expressed great interest in seeing my show, and hopefully--if I can figure out a good way to upload DVD video onto the internet--I'll be able to show it to her. And to all of you as well.

Now, for the two things I couldn't get much of from the past two weeks: booze and sleep.

*Which I may rename "HOW HEFNERIAN": A HEFNER MONOLOGUE to clear up confusion in future performances. Too many people thought I was just doing the same show over again, which boggles the mind considering that I'm far from the only performer who does multiple shows that way!
thehefner: (Applause)
Three days after I finish my run of THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES: HOW HEFNERIAN in Orlando, guess who will be coming to DC for the first time in (I think) four years?

Emm Gryner, pallies.

Although it's not (yet) listed on the 9:30 Club's official page for some reason, but I'm willing to take Emm's word for it.

If you've seen HOW HEFNERIAN and/or you remember the story I wrote about that night, the second-ever Hefner Monologue I wrote here on LJ (and I kind of dread rereading the original, unedited, unrevised version; the HH performance version is obviously more polished and much shorter), that name and its appropriateness will ring a bell.

Even if seeing Emm Gryner directly after telling her story in a solo show isn't Hefnerian in of itself, I can still think of no finer way to return to DC.

Plus, if I can manage to see Leonard Cohen at Merriweather Post Pavilion on May 11th before I leave, I'll have awesome Canadian musical bookends to my Orlando trip! Huzz-eh!
thehefner: (Harvey Dent)
I was going to give the full Comic Con rundown, but I am exhausted, cranky from being on the bus, and in desperate need of beer. But for right now, I've gotta talk about the original art I got this time around.

Even if you're not inclined to read my long-winded ramblings, I urge you to at least skim this one. For the artwork alone.

And even at NYCC, things took a turn for the Hefnerian... )
thehefner: (Applause)
On the plus side, going to the Amanda Palmer concert was a very good thing indeed.

I was pleased to find that I was only one of three or four people to actually be wearing bowler derbies there, and the others were in more of a full costume, rather than rocking it for the sheer sake of bowlery excellence.

While I was very reluctant to go alone, I've discovered in recent months that when you're alone it's so much easier to meet people. Soon, I'd made the acquaintance of a dozen people clustered with me in the first "row" by the stage. Getting as close to the stage as possible is one good way to avoid the dual concert plagues of claustrophobia and tall people.

What made this concert especially... uh, special... was how this was the first time I'd ever felt like the opening acts were as integral to the experience as the headliner. Each of the three progressively whipped up the crowd, and were all awesome. Even before Amanda came out, I felt like I was truly getting my ticket's worth, a full meal of music. Even the emcee (one of Amanda's Danger Ensemble) was delightful, as was the surprise audio cameo by Neil Gaiman. A pinch of Neil makes everything better. He's like nutmeg.

And then, of course, there's Amanda herself. While I was and still am put-off by some of her more hardcore fans (usually abrasive teenage girls with yarn in their hair who probably self-loathingly frequent Hot Topic), there really is no denying her sheer stage charisma and ability to put on a show. And dear lord, is she crazy sexy in performance.

So of course, it's in a state of having my ass totally kicked and wiped out by that entire experience and just generally zonked from it being 1:30am that I meet her. I've heard it said that she's got an amazing down-to-earth rapport with her fans, and they're not kidding: she made me feel like me just being there, asking for her autograph and saying totally generic, brain-fried, yet sincere compliments of her show was the utter highlight of her day, giving me and other fans a warm hug and a dizzyingly lovely little kiss on the lips.

Really, it's just what I needed after pulling another "Emm Gryner" experience and turning into a babbling idiot when we talked.

AMANDA: (Noticing my "Harvey Dent for Gotham City" sticker) Awesome!

THE HEFNER'S BRAIN: She noticed! You should say that thing you were planning to say the next time someone remarked on the sticker. Turn on the geek charm and say, "Hey, I still believe in him! Unlike most politicians, at least we can trust him half the time! Hurr hurr hurr!" Wait, that's lame. You were supposed to work on that!

THE HEFNER: Yeah, it... it... it... it... it... yeah.

THE HEFNER'S BRAIN: *slow clap*

Indeed, perhaps a testament to Amanda Palmer that her utter delightfulness can diffuse even Hefnerian situations. Truly, she is one of those artists you simply have to see live to really "get," and I'm super-glad that I bit the bullet and went alone. Especially considering that I wasn't alone anymore when I left.

So, yeah. A very good thing indeed.
thehefner: (The Hefner Monologues Sign)
So I just won the CAFF lottery. That is, the Canadian Association of Fringe Festivals lottery, where you can apply for at least five Fringe Festivals in the CAFF union. There are ten winners selected in all: five Canadian, five international. Obviously, I was one of the latter. I figured my chances weren't too terrible, because who really has the time or sanity to devote to *five* whole Fringe festivals? Fuck, I nearly went mad doing three!

Now, I am officially signed up to perform THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES in...

New York City (Frigid): Feb. 25 – March 8, 2009
Montreal: June 11 - 21, 2009
Winnipeg: July 15 – 26, 2009
Indianapolis: Aug 21 – 30, 2009
Vancouver: September 9 - 20, 2009

I'm also almost certainly signed up for Orlando (May 14 - 25, 2009), to do the revised hour-long version of HOW HEFNERIAN, and as if that's not enough, I'm gonna shoot for Minnesota (July 30–Aug. 9, 2009), which I wouldn't do if I hadn't repeatedly heard how insanely awesome it is. So I'm definitely doing five festivals, probably six, and hopefully seven.

And maybe... I'm possibly considering doing Sydney, Australia in the Fall, after the US tour.

Oh my god. Oh my god. I need revise the Monologues soon. I need to get them fresh and tight, make them really mean something to me again. Not that they don't, but after performing this for a year and a half, you know what I mean. I need to get some kind of cheapie photoshop program to make posters. I need better marketing! "Meet the black sheep of the white bunny family" is tempting, but it might not be what I really need! What's better? "It's hard out there for a Hef?" GAH!

I need marketing people! I need a secretary! I need... I need a hundred beers! Exactly. Exactly a hundred, thank you.

I am having a heart attack. But in a good way. I think. I hope. I'm gonna die now.
thehefner: (Al Bundy: Shoot Me)
And here I worried that my life of hermitude was keeping me from getting any more material. Hefnerian events will always find me.

Let me tell you, it's a complex feeling indeed to realize that you're only within the first fifteen minutes of a Hefner Monologue. And there's no way of knowing whether it'll end up being an anecdote, a show, a mini-series, or a tome.

I feel like Harold Crick. I just wish I knew whether it was a comedy or a tragedy. But then, with me, they've never been so clearly defined.

I guess what I'm saying is, get me a tattooed Maggie Gyllenhaal, stat!


Fuck it, have some videos.

First, watch this whole thing. It's only a minute long, just watch it all the way, for it ends... magically.

If you, like I, were totally confused while laughing your/my ass off, this should help clarify matters.

This has been making the rounds, but bears viewing for anyone who has missed it. Batman vs. Penguin: The Debate! (No mudslinging!)

They're good, but eh, I still believe in What's His Face.

Here's the trailer for a Swedish film I hadn't heard about until the announcement that it was being remade (by the director of CLOVERFIELD, no less), much to the universal disgust of critics. They say there is absolutely no point in remaking this brilliant, moving film, a film which may well be one of the greatest vampire movies ever made.

The trailer for LET THE RIGHT ONE IN.

Even considering how much I hate vampires, I cannot help but be intrigued. Hopefully we get to see it before it gets brownc... er... overhyped, so we can all look down upon the inevitably wrong-headed and inferior American remake. By the CLOVERFIELD guy.

EDIT: Two More!

Via [ profile] kali921, KNEEL BEFORE ZOD'S KITCHENS!

And finally, via [ profile] benchilada, who got it via [ profile] foxhack, it now falls unto me to bring you a video of the hardest motherfucker on the planet:

thehefner: (Me B&W)
A fine way to end a run. A fine way indeed. I wish I could have actually sold out once or twice, but I'm more than content with every one of my shows. Especially considering the--shall we diplomatically say--"tumultuous" history of this show, I am damn pleased with how it turned out.

And I'm not the only one, it seems. First, Fringe head Julianne Brienza was awesome enough to point me towards a patron's comments on the show at the CityPaper's Fringe and Purge blog:

"The Hefner Monologues - How Hefnarian rocked… again! He really improved the show with the new version."

Very cool! Some folks have used patron's comments as blurbs in the past. Wonder if I can get away with that?

But even better, and thanks to [ profile] reazik for pointing this out:


It's a highly positive review, but between the last review's "Homer Simpson" comparison and now this:

"Admittedly, I cringed in the beginning of this show. I had no idea how this nerdy, neurotic man-boy was going to carry a solo performance. But a funny thing happened on the way to that train wreck: A storyteller emerged..."

... I can't help but wonder what it means when even my reviews start feeling Hefnerian.

Seriously, it's a great review, and the criticisms are good food for thought too, especially as my next (incredibly painful and difficult) step is to shave fifteen or even twenty minutes off the show, get it down to a solid hour for when I reprise it at Orlando next year, if not sooner.

But for now, barring a surprise performance opportunity, it's time to put THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES: HOW HEFNERIAN to rest for a few months and focus on other projects. Namely the Harvey Dent novel and the original HEFNER MONOLOGUES at Boulder Fringe in Boulder, CO, in a couple weeks.

I'm not done with this show by a long shot. Thanks to everyone who came to support me, and if you have any thoughts and suggestions, by all means, let me know.

... "black sheep of the white bunny family." I like it.
thehefner: (The Hefner Monologues Sign)
Hey. How y'all been?

Me, I'm still recovering from the weekend. Besides the first three performances of THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES: HOW HEFNERIAN, I also cameo'd as Elvis (long story) for CORIOLANUS, and saw two shows: HOLD ME, DRILL ME, KISS ME, a solo show about love and dentistry, and BARGAIN BASEMENT GAME SHOW, which was tons of fun, and I didn't suck as much as I thought I would!

Saturday was particularly busy but particularly eventful, and I actually had a hard time deciding which was the highlight between:

A.) Pimping my show to Matthew fucking Lesko*.

B.) Having just four seats short of a sold-out house for HOW HEFNERIAN.

C.) Catching a TV trailer for THE DARK KNIGHT that ended with the first-ever (as far as I've seen) shot of the coin. Most of you cannot honestly imagine the sounds I produced for the next ten seconds.

... can I go back to writing my Harvey Dent novel now? Please oh please oh please?

Anyway, it's been a hell of a weekend. I'm still recovering, and this weather ain't helping.

Oh, by the way:


Wow. Now that is what I call a good review. Not just because it's positive, but because it's thoughtful, analytical, and even critical, giving me much to consider as I revise this show over the coming months. And believe me, revision is gonna be key; I need to shave fifteen minutes off, for one thing, if I wanna take it to places like Orlando Fringe, festivals that wince at anything above 60 minutes.

But back to the review, it's also wonderful in the sense that... damn, he really paid attention to what I said and did! Lots of details, right down to the stuff that I thought for sure was gonna fly over everybody's heads so I'd need to plow ahead and get to the "interesting" stuff! Maybe that's my doing as a storyteller, or maybe it's his attention span, but either way, it's amazing. He gets it. And more importantly, he gets what I'm going for, and his thoughts about what works and what doesn't carries far, far more weight with me than your average theatre reviewer.

I'm gonna need to send him a card pronto. Not just to thank him, but also inform him that, 1.) I have been to the Playboy Mansion, but that's a whole story/show unto itself, and 2.) yes, the "Homer Simpsons-esque fey hand-spasms and tip-toe dances that express delight and anticipation," are indeed deliberate. Um... well, exaggerated, anyway. A bit. *cough*

While the Orlando experience has made me very critic-phobic, I am very, very glad to have read this. Second time I've been called "promising" as well. It's a good thing I'm young, as I very much do hope to make good on those promises one of these days.

*For an intensely happy-making experience, check out the DANGERDOOM!!! commercials. Especially the 15 and 60 second ones.
thehefner: (Me B&W)
Criminally insane props to [ profile] kmousie for the poster!

Tickets can be purchased here! First show--the very first, the goddamn premiere--tonight, 10:00!

Disclaimer: no roses are actually involved in this show in any way. It's, whaddyacallit... metamorphical. Yeah. Also, I probably won't be wearing the blue suit again. Sorry to break your hearts, my loyal HefHeads. I may just walk in with whatever clothes are on my back. We'll see.
thehefner: (Two-Face: Alex Ross)
I really, really should know better by now than to respond to some article or something by commenting in the message boards. Especially when the site in question is, of all places.

Fucking head reviewer called Harvey Dent "a bland character" and Two-Face "a generic villain" (The character, not Eckhart's portrayal, which he says elevated it above the source material). Fucker.

And now, of course, I've quickly found myself embroiled in a back and forth between myself and... well, the kinds of people who would regularly post on the message boards. I really should just let it go, not go back there, ignore them and let the matter die.

... GAHHHH!!! HOLD ME BACK, BOYS! *flails violently*

On the plus side, I just got an e-mail from Mike Daisey, whose show MONOPOLY! was a huge inspiration for me, and one of the very best solo shows I have ever seen. He's planning on coming to see THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES: HOW HEFNERIAN, which is fucking awesome, but also more than a little intimidating.

I'd kinda prefer he see the show after I've had, like, a year to develop and hone it rather than its rough premiere run. But then, if he has any insight, that could help give said development a shot in the arm.

This is the good kind of terrified.
thehefner: (Venture Bros: Theatre People)
Hey everyone! CapFringe is less than two weeks away! WOOOOO!!!

For my part, I'll be performing my brand-new solo show, THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES: HOW HEFNERIAN at the DC Arts Center on the following dates:

DC Arts Center
2438 18th Street NW 20009

Friday, 7/11/08, 10:00pm
Saturday, 7/12/08, 10:30pm
Sunday, 7/13/08, 3:30pm
Saturday, 7/19/07, 3:00pm
Sunday, 7/20/08, 7:00pm
Thursday, 7/24/08, 8:30pm

It's gonna be rough, I can tell you that. I really wish I had started working on this months ago instead of the aborted "family" show. So this will essentially be a hardcore workshop for me, but I'm proud of it nonetheless. It's a smaller show than the previous HEFNER MONOLOGUES, but I think it's a more mature work, a real step up.

It's totally stand-alone, but it carries many themes and ideas from the first, so there's something here for HefHeads old and new!

So definitely come! I didn't get an ad put in the guide this year, so as always, your support is HUGELY needed and appreciated! Especially at DCAC, a larger venue than last year. And there will be air conditioning! Oh yes, there WILL be air conditioning!

But wait, THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES: HOW HEFNERIAN is far from the only show you've gotta see!

The great [ profile] rcpfiles has taken the liberty to compile ALL of Fringe shows being performed by Rudes alumni These shows include:

CORIOLANUS: directed by [ profile] fiveseconddelay, featuring an all-star cast of Rude Mechanicals, including [ profile] wondermojz, [ profile] torberg, [ profile] aeonata, [ profile] tompurdue, [ profile] lialife, [ profile] angstacular, [ profile] muzikmaker21, [ profile] recalcitranttoy, and [ profile] lonebear!

BARGAIN BASEMENT GAME SHOW: [ profile] rcpfiles, [ profile] ernmissprism, and [ profile] muzikmaker21.

ICONICITY: [ profile] tyhallmark

THE GIRL IN THE IRON MASK: [ profile] cavenessity




THE OBJECT OF MY OBSESSION: [ profile] cisic


And if I may submit one more, featuring both a Rude AND a whole slew of beloved WAC alums:

THE FRUSTRATIONS OF STOKER PRATT (performed at Flashpoint Mead Theatre Lab): the latest offering from Grandmaster of Funk Liam Daley, featuring ANTONY & CLEOPATRA's [ profile] fishymcb. And, um... what other LJers are in this?

So that's it! Now I need to go back to memorizing and rehearsing HOW HEFNERIAN. Hopefully I won't wither and die before my (rough-ass but scrappy) WORLD PREMIERE on the 11th! See you at the Fringe, folks!
thehefner: (Me B&W)
I am going to resist talking about my Orlando Fringe Festival "experience" so far until a bit more time has passed and more questions have been asked of certain people. That said, I just needed to show this to y'all.

So... guess who's on the cover of the Orlando Arts Magazine?

Wait, wait, before everyone starts showering me with congratulations (you... were gonna do that, right?), allow me to point out something we realized when the shock wore off. There's no single mention of John Hefner nor THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES anywhere in the magazine: not in the corner, not in the fine print, not in the "On the Cover" section, and not in the article itself. Nor, for that matter, are any of the other photos credited to anyone.

Not even Roy Cox is credited for that image, which kinda bothers me even more, especially as I'm 95% certain they asked for photo credit. And really, it was more chosen for his work than me, because it's a great photo. Ironically, I've never found a great use for it. It works great here, where I seem to be the satanic ringleader of the Fringe.

To top it off, without my facial hair, no one recognizes me as the guy on the cover of the Orlando Arts Magazine. Hell, I'm there twice! At least my actual poster/postcard/program image (the mouth fulla rose petals) is there too, so there will hopefully be that much recognition.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. Per se. Dude, I'm on the fucking cover of the Orlando Arts Magazine! TWICE!!! And yet... uh... you might understand how I'm not quite sure how to feel about all this, except to say the sentiment that will become more and more important come July:

"How Hefnerian."
thehefner: (Me B&W)
So I recently realized what may have gone wrong with my attempts to court the cute hippie chick. Having her over to my house wasn't the biggest mistake, nor was my decision to show her THE NINTH CONFIGURATION. And I know many of you are rolling your eyes at that one, but no, it wasn't as stupid a choice as it might seem. I chose it for a very good reason that pertained to her interests! I just don't remember exactly why. But that's all besides the point.

No, I think the main flub of the evening came when we were on my bed, watching the movie and getting close, and I noticed she had a tear in her jeans. This particular tear was way, wayyyy up at the very top of her legs, an inch or so higher than Daisy Dukes would be, had they been cut off all the way. You know, a tear that revealed a nice window to her butt.

So in an attempt to be witty and flirty, I pointed to the tear, smiled, and remarked:

"I like your butt hole."


It was weeks before I realized what I said.

Clearly, I need to work that into a story. I just don't know where.
thehefner: (Oh NOES)
Further developments in Heffie's ongoing struggle to get in shape (in time for Halloween pictures).

So a few days ago, in an effort to maintain my personal trainer Carolyn's prescribed diet of 3-8 egg whites every morning, I went to Whole Foods to get more cage-free organic eggs. If I'm gonna gulp down egg whites, you bet I'm gonna go for the organic kind. However, it was 9pm, and Whole Foods was closed, so I was forced to go to Safeway. They had *one* container of the cage-free organic eggs, but one seemed like enough, and the next morning I had my egg whites as usual. However, I felt paranoid for the rest of the day. I'm fine, of course. If I weren't, Mom assures me, I'd know it soon enough. But you guys know me. I'm a worrier. I'm the Worrier King!

Fast forward to just an hour ago. I'm working out with Carolyn, she's kicking my ass as usual, and I decide to share this story with her, to hopefully alleviate my own paranoia and take my mind off the burn.

ME: So I've been feeling a little paranoid over the egg whites lately...

CAROLYN: What, you're concerned that you've been undercooking them?




ME: ... nnnnnno. I've... been sucking them down raw.


ME: But... but... I thought that was the point.


ME: ... yes. They're raw eggs whites. Isn't that the whole point?


ME: But... but that's what Rocky did!


So of course she had to tell one of her co-workers, this strapping big trainer who was making this little middle-aged suburban mom do crunches. Nearly breathless, Carolyn forces herself into story mode and regales past five minutes to her colleague...

CAROLYN: And he's been eating them raw.

GUY: Oh yeah, I've done that.


GUY: Sure, a lot of guys do that. Wait, you use the organic kind, right?

ME: Totally.

GUY: Psh, yeah, you're fine.

CAROLYN: I can't believe this. I'm so sorry for not being more specific. But why the hell wouldn't you cook them?

ME: Because... honestly, I can't stand cooked eggs. They make me throw up.


ME: With the whites, I can use my patented Irish Car Bomb technique and suck 'em down in one slimy, flavorless gulp.

CAROLYN: Ugh. Wow. Can you put that on a résumé?

ME: I think it'd attract the wrong kind of people.

Carolyn let me go home after that, bowing and chanting "We're not worthy. We're not worthy." The other trainer and the Soccer Mom, on the other hand, announced my triumphant departure by singing, in unison:

Duh-dun da-da-dun da-da-dun da-da-dun, da-da da-da-dun da-da-DA da-da-dun...

September 2012

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