thehefner | Why John Hefner is Still Single: Current Theory as of 1/14/08

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Why John Hefner is Still Single: Current Theory as of 1/14/08

~~Some~~ A whole lotta navel-gazing ahead, be warned.

So some ladyfriends of mine (married ladyfriends, mind) have actually asked, "John, how is it you don't have a girlfriend?"

The only thing that seemed odder than the question itself was the fact that I had no answer. I just stopped thinking about it years ago and just resigned myself to the general fact that I was single, and while I wouldn't be single forever, I am single now. If that makes any sense.

I've never had a normal, average relationship; my healthiest and most normal to date was long-distance, for goodness sake. The rest were... gray areas, shall we say. So why is that, I now had to ask myself? Why am I still single? And indeed, why is my actual social life so very small?

Intensity.

It was first brought up to me from friends of mine back in college, crushes that steadfastly remained friendships, despite my best efforts. But I never understood really what my "intensity" meant, not until I thought about it again recently. Particularly when I realized that, even though I've had several first dates in recent memory, I haven't had any second dates.

Intensity. What the hell did that mean? Was I scary? Overwhelming? Too big flamingly geeky? I thought I had learned how to be cool, to fake confidence, to pull back. And yet, there was still that damn "intensity," whatever the hell that was.

So I discussed this with Bloo, the aforementioned healthy ex, and together we realized what the problem was.

Put simply... when it comes to John Hefner, there's just no basis of comparison.

If you meet some person with a strong or intense personality, usually they're similar enough to someone else you've known so that you can think to yourself, "Okay, I know what I'm dealing with here: it's a stronger version of so-and-so, got it." You can work your way up to such strong personalities, know what I mean?

Put it to you in gamer terms: you know how in, like, tabletop games, there are "beginner," "intermediate," and "expert" classes for characters (I'm thinking Heroclix especially here)?

Okay, and you know how sometimes there are those other figures, the special rare ones that come in one every hundred or so boxes? The "unique" figures, with their own specific attributes, and no variation up or down?

That's me. White ring and all, for better or for worse, I'm Unique. I'm not licking my own ass here to go on about how awesome I am; this isn't necessarily a good thing!

There's no "beginner level" John Hefner. No way to work yourself up to Heffie. And until such time as they can invent a power transformer to distribute my raw Heffiness in smaller, manageable doses... when you meet me, you get the whole thing at once.

So yeah. I imagine that can be kind of overwhelming.

That's the next thing I realized: I suck at first impressions.

I absolutely blow at 'em. Whether it's meeting my classmates at my new private high school, or my infamous Freshman Year at Washington College, or the first few minutes of THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES, or getting started in a dramatic performance, or the whole of a first date... it takes people a while to decide whether or not they like me. Many just give up, not willing to devote the time and effort to get to know me better.

Indeed, I think a potential friendship with John Hefner is akin to an investment, psychological and perhaps financial (depending on how far I go with these here monologues. Kidding, kidding. Kinda.). I dunno, what would you call it?

If I could just water myself down somehow, I imagine I'd be happier. Happier, but probably less interesting, I guess. Well, less interesting to those who decided to stick around to see where this whole "John Hefner" thing was going.

And that, my friends (who are still here, anyway), is why John Hefner is still single.

... I think. Maybe.

That's my current theory, anyway.

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The thing that scares me about you is I get the impression I could really like you... but then we'd be like two stereo systems jacked up to eleven.

"I'm not licking my own ass here"

No, but I'd pay good money to see that.

I would do anything for love, but I won't do that...

So that's the enigmatic "that" of which Meatloaf sung! Whew.

how is it you don't have a girlfriend?"

I've gotten that one on more then one occasion. I don't have an answer either, the best I can come up with is simply shrugging and saying "I dunno" though lately I've switched to more of an "I'm busy" response which works ok for the most part. I'm aware of my own faults but it's an odd thing, having to recite them in conversation.

I think

thirdbase pretty well summed up why that question gets asked.

Ok, now tell me again, because I know I missed it somewhere in there:

Why is it you're better off with someone who likes you immediately rather than someone who takes the time to get to know you, someone who grows as a friend instead of jumping naked into the pool of Hef?

I know what you're getting at in the short run, but if you think of this in light of what you're looking for - and you, my dear, are a romantic so we know you are looking for love (with a healthy dose of lust) - how is an investment worse than a buy-low sell-hopefully higher than low option?

You make a great first impression, I think. You're simply spending them on the wrong people.

And dude, girl friends always want to know why you're not dating someone. We see you as awesome but not our type and we can't figure out why all the girls who are your type aren't jumping you (ladies? back me up here...)
How many of your guy friends ask you why you're still single?
Ok, now how many of them are straight?

And your social life is small because that's what you are currently choosing to do with it. You're focusing your energy on something very important to you. If you focused your energy on love, you'd go to churches, singles events, swing dance parties, etc. until you found the right one. But you have decided that for you, there is more than that. (most of us feel there is more than that, btw).

And I am not licking your ass either.
No, really. Stop asking.
;)

But I need instant approval and love from all at all times! Including strangers! People need to instantly see me and be dazzled! (to be perfectly serious for a second, my brother actually has the politician charm where he walks into a room and it lights up)

And your social life is small because that's what you are currently choosing to do with it. You're focusing your energy on something very important to you.

Yeah, you're totally right. I think I just threw that in there because I was embarrassed to be going on what essentially was a frustrated romantic post. I try not to do such things these days, as I feel like I still beat the subject into the dirt for several years.

But yeah. I really do have fifteen million projects that I'm working on that keep me busy. I just kinda wish I could temporarily turn off the lonely/horny, because ding-dang it, it's a distraction! I've got plays to write, novels to revise, tons of books to read!

But you're right. It's just sometimes hard to keep one's eye on the ball, as it were.

from what I hear, it's easy to keep your eye on the ball. it's just that you have to be licking ass to do it :)

Strangers love you. In fact, the stranger, the better :)

I've really started a thing with the ass-licking, haven't I? For all my Hefnerian insecurities about legacy and impact, it's only that for which I shall be remembered: the ass-licking.

And I like strange people. So much more interesting. The problem is that they hang out with crazy people, and they all get mixed together.

Backing you up.

I know I was one of the aforementioned with the asking. And my question, if I recall, wasn't so much "why are you single" as "where are all the hordes of women who by all rights should be throwing themselves in droves at someone as talented, interesting and attractive as yourself?"

To which the answer was, more or less, "scared off by the intense, the quirky and the geeky". Which I do understand - the geeky and the quirky appeals to a somewhat limited set (to which I myself belong, so I know we exist).

As for the intensity, it's a non-trivial balancing excercise to allocate it to everyone's satisfaction. (If you're intense about someone, it's important to not be scary and stalkery. If you're intense about other projects and not the someone who's there, they might start to feel a bit less important, which isn't good, either.)

I don't think the first impressions are the problem here. I think those work out just fine, as evidenced by existence of first dates that don't have follow-ups. The second impressions are harder - when the shiny (and yes, there's plenty of shiny) starts getting supplemented by the realization of just how quirky the quirky is. Which is indeed not everyone's cuppa.

Being an acquired taste is not a mark of eternal doom. It may well reduce the number of people who "get" one immediately, or that don't go running for the hills at the first sign of oddity, but the ones who go to the trouble of acquiring the taste are usually that much more worth it.

Oh, gotcha. World of difference. *blushes*

Hm, and I think you're onto something there with the first/second impressions thing. Ah! I think I've gotten better at first impressions, but now it's the second ones in some cases that are still the problems.

Trouble with the second impressions is that, in my opinion at least, they really are the time to be yourself and provide the running-for-hills opportunity. It works out better that way in the long term, because if you're trying to make a particular sort of impression or _not_ scare'em off, it's only a matter of time until the reality comes out, and earth-shattering kabooms happen.

I refuse to believe that you are entirely undateable in general, but it may well be that, as a few people had already suggested, you're either starting out with the wrong demographic or spending your energy on other sorts of things.

In my experience the trick to finding people for whom one is not too odd is to do what one loves (in as far as "what one loves" can provide excuses for meeting other people who also love it), and working from the points of commonality. Hanging around strange people will lead to meeting people with higher appreciation for strangeness. (A number of the last N people I dated resulted from hanging around places where people indulge in odd hobbies. The rest involved meeting through friends from said odd hobbies. I do realize that with my particular odd hobbies, and I expect with yours, being female is an advantage as it gives one larger target demographic, but then, said people I dated had met _me_ that way, too, so it's not impossible.)

aaaand backing her up.

...but the ones who go to the trouble of acquiring the taste are usually that much more worth it.

Interesting thoughts Sir
During my single periods, I have often wondered what was wrong with me. I could go out with mates and watch as they all copped off with someone or other, while I sat alone watching the dance (not them but the dance floor).
Then I had an epiphany of sorts.
If I was prepared to lower my standards, I could have someone. When I did, I would quickly get bored ( too tall, too sporty, too blonde. You name it I would get annoyed by it)and then either break a heart or get mine cracked.
So I decided not to lower my standards and just wait. Now I admit that this was easier for me as I am a 35 year old with two failed marriages behind me.
But it has been totally worth it. I can be me without having to reign in any parts of me (and I can be a weird bar steward!) and I never feel that I am comprosmising me. Wanky I know!
So I guess what I am trying to say is stick to your guns. If people dont "get" you then thats their loss at the end of the day.
Warning my advice is not always the best thing to follow!!

God, standards. Don't you just hate 'em?

Yeah, I'm stickin' to 'em. It helps to have lots of other distractions. Thankya!

As a somewhat flighty person whose passion for ... well, whatever it is that I have the passion for at that moment ... will cause sudden bursts of manic energy, which is intensified by my voice (ask

thirdbase and

disc_sophist how many times they have had to ask me to be quiet), I've learned basically to temper myself on first dates. The "watered down" theory, as it were.

And guess what? I don't get second dates.

So no tempering the passion. Maybe on the reactions, but never on the passion. I don't think you have to be worry about that issue, but a gentle reminder doesn't hurt. B)

Yeah, the passion ain't getting tempered anyway, but it's good to hear that I shouldn't kill myself trying. That's comfort enough, I think.

I'll back up thirdbase on that one point; those of us who can appreciate you but aren't quite your type ourselves wonder what's wrong with those girls that *are*.

However, you'll notice that the slight majority of us tend to not say anything, because we know there's nothing more frustrating to a chronically single person than to hear "you're so awesome, why are you still single?" from people of the opposite sex. Particularly if they're single too. "then why in hell am I not good and awesome enough for YOU to date? HUH??".

The nice thing about you, though, is that rather than bitching for the sake of bitching, you bitch introspectively. Bitching with a point. Bitching as entertainment for those who do not fully understand who you are, for the effort of helping them understand a bit better and connecting.

There are many intense people out there. You happen to be one who operates on a plane that is almost entirely an OUTflow of energy, with very little room for energy from other to flow back IN around the chinks. You've taken years figuring out how to let people in, and you've gotten at last to the point where you can offer them a window, with a few people able to get in completely. You, Heffie dear, are a performer to the max. You need that 'stage' between you and the other person. The person you are projects accordingly. For those who do not understand that they need to either sit appreciatively in the audience or get right up there with you, that projecting is very overwhelming.

Those who do understand this intensity, this 'projecting'? We're right here, rooting for you. Go sic 'em.

Hearing that is not just frustrating. Given a bit of time and gestation, it results in bitchy long-winded LiveJournal entries. ;)

The nice thing about you, though, is that rather than bitching for the sake of bitching, you bitch introspectively. Bitching with a point. Bitching as entertainment for those who do not fully understand who you are, for the effort of helping them understand a bit better and connecting.

Aw, I think that's the sweetest thing anyone's said about my bitching!

For those who do not understand that they need to either sit appreciatively in the audience or get right up there with you, that projecting is very overwhelming.

... That's a neat way to think about it. They need to be either my audience or my costar. I like that. That metaphor can be taken further different ways. Hmm.

And thankya, my dear.

Glad you like. I like it when my metaphors fit the person, and gee, for some reason that one seemed particularly apt...

You're welcome.

You're one in a million, baby.

In all seriousness, you're the type of man whom I would have fallen hard for when I was in college. But I can tell you exactly what the timeline of our relationship would have been:
We would have met, clicked, spent the next two weeks screwing like rabid weasels, had a fight, broken one another's hearts, and never spoken again for the rest of our lives.
Is that intensity?

It just might be, it just might be.

Hi, sent an email to your wash coll address on this very topic. but had no idea whether you still check it, hence this reply. Ta-da!

As an older (though not necessarily wiser) friend, I'd like to gently suggest that the question may contain its own answer. How much time are you willing to spend thinking about being single versus enjoying the life you have? You, like many others, seem to cling to the fantasy of clairvoyance--you want to read women's minds and see into their futures. Living in the present is so much more enjoyable. And people who are fully present are wonderfully attractive.
Just a thought.

"...people who are fully present are wonderfully attractive."

Sorry, I don't know you but that is really a beautiful sentiment. *^_^*

On one hand, you should know that I've come a long way from how I used to be. Most times, I do live comfortably in the present, focusing on my many, many projects. I easily spend more time thinking about my writing than my single life, so don't let this entry give you the wrong impression.

On the other hand... well, I'm human, aren't I?

I know, and I think you're still far ahead of most men. You talk freely of your emotions and insecurities as well as your passions and your triumphs. That's huge!

You're probably right, John, on all counts.
What you feel about that, or what you choose to do about it, is where the story starts, isn't it?

It surely does.

Let's just hope it's a ripping yarn with a good Hefnerian--if not actually happy--ending.

The idea is to incorporate as much of the fantastic as possible, but in a very realistic way.
You know, like BRAZIL...but possibly with hooers.

Sounds like a good, sound theory. I think that was a proper sentence anyway.

I remember the first thing I thought was "Oh jeezuz, he looks a lot like my ex Ihopehe'snotcrazylikehimomgomgomg." xD And no, you're not crazy like him, so that's definitely a good thing.

I think I also went into full-blown one-man-performance-of "Little Girls" with you within the first minute of our meeting, correct?

Dear lord.

I don't think that turning down the intensity a bit while first getting know a girl is the same as watering yourself down. It's just that when on a first date, or second or third, they are still trying to get a sense of who you are. With a regular, not so intense person, there is a lot to take in and process. With you, there's all the basic stuff plus the serious intensity and flailing arms. I joke. ;)

But yeah, trying to not put more out there than a girl can take in is helpful.. and not just for you. It's something I had to do, and anyone probably should do. It takes time.

That make sense?

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Why John Hefner is Still Single: Current Theory as of 1/14/08

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