thehefner | Why John Hefner is Still Single: Current Theory as of 1/14/08

~~Some~~ A whole lotta navel-gazing ahead, be warned.

So some ladyfriends of mine (married ladyfriends, mind) have actually asked, "John, how is it you don't have a girlfriend?"

The only thing that seemed odder than the question itself was the fact that I had no answer. I just stopped thinking about it years ago and just resigned myself to the general fact that I was single, and while I wouldn't be single forever, I am single now. If that makes any sense.

I've never had a normal, average relationship; my healthiest and most normal to date was long-distance, for goodness sake. The rest were... gray areas, shall we say. So why is that, I now had to ask myself? Why am I still single? And indeed, why is my actual social life so very small?

Intensity.

It was first brought up to me from friends of mine back in college, crushes that steadfastly remained friendships, despite my best efforts. But I never understood really what my "intensity" meant, not until I thought about it again recently. Particularly when I realized that, even though I've had several first dates in recent memory, I haven't had any second dates.

Intensity. What the hell did that mean? Was I scary? Overwhelming? Too big flamingly geeky? I thought I had learned how to be cool, to fake confidence, to pull back. And yet, there was still that damn "intensity," whatever the hell that was.

So I discussed this with Bloo, the aforementioned healthy ex, and together we realized what the problem was.

Put simply... when it comes to John Hefner, there's just no basis of comparison.

If you meet some person with a strong or intense personality, usually they're similar enough to someone else you've known so that you can think to yourself, "Okay, I know what I'm dealing with here: it's a stronger version of so-and-so, got it." You can work your way up to such strong personalities, know what I mean?

Put it to you in gamer terms: you know how in, like, tabletop games, there are "beginner," "intermediate," and "expert" classes for characters (I'm thinking Heroclix especially here)?

Okay, and you know how sometimes there are those other figures, the special rare ones that come in one every hundred or so boxes? The "unique" figures, with their own specific attributes, and no variation up or down?

That's me. White ring and all, for better or for worse, I'm Unique. I'm not licking my own ass here to go on about how awesome I am; this isn't necessarily a good thing!

There's no "beginner level" John Hefner. No way to work yourself up to Heffie. And until such time as they can invent a power transformer to distribute my raw Heffiness in smaller, manageable doses... when you meet me, you get the whole thing at once.

So yeah. I imagine that can be kind of overwhelming.

That's the next thing I realized: I suck at first impressions.

I absolutely blow at 'em. Whether it's meeting my classmates at my new private high school, or my infamous Freshman Year at Washington College, or the first few minutes of THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES, or getting started in a dramatic performance, or the whole of a first date... it takes people a while to decide whether or not they like me. Many just give up, not willing to devote the time and effort to get to know me better.

Indeed, I think a potential friendship with John Hefner is akin to an investment, psychological and perhaps financial (depending on how far I go with these here monologues. Kidding, kidding. Kinda.). I dunno, what would you call it?

If I could just water myself down somehow, I imagine I'd be happier. Happier, but probably less interesting, I guess. Well, less interesting to those who decided to stick around to see where this whole "John Hefner" thing was going.

And that, my friends (who are still here, anyway), is why John Hefner is still single.

... I think. Maybe.

That's my current theory, anyway.