thehefner: (Batman: Penguin LOL)
No, really. Found via [ profile] box_in_the_box:

For about four months there, was one of those sites that I visited daily. Eventually, I no longer found it interesting enough to warrant the patience to sift through their many lists and videos, hoping to find a great one. Perhaps the time has come to give it another chance.

Because good lord, that was brilliant. A word I overuse, but really, yeah, it is.
thehefner: (SEXLEXIA)

Also, thanks to [ profile] themadhatter26 for pointing me toward this:

8-BIT JESUS: Christmas music in the style of classic NES games. My favorite may be "Carol of the Belmonts."

Oh hell, two more of my favorites from's photoshop contest, Worst. Christmas. Ever.

And for some reason, this one hits a special place in my heart. Must be the wine.

Have a good one, folks.
thehefner: (Applause)
The Smoking Gun's list of the 20 Greatest Mugshots of 2008.

I don't care what anybody says, # 9 is the clear winner. That may well be the single greatest mugshots in the ever of history. You heard me.
thehefner: (Cyclops as ELVIS!)

I demand video of this event. Stat. )

Context is, as they say, for the weak. But here it is for the weaklings out there.

I think this blows both "M.C. Rove" and Bush's "Africa Malaria Day" dancing out of the water. I am dying of laughter, whereas Mom is *still* deeply disturbed.
thehefner: (Two-Face: How *YOU* Doin')
I really, really liked THE DARK KNIGHT. Parts of it, I outright loved. But the next person who says that it's a brilliant film, flawless and a masterpiece, I'm gonna send them this:

In the tradition of Movies in Fifteen Minutes: THE DARK KNIGHT: The 'Abridged Script'.

I tried to quote my favorite highlights, but soon realized I'd end up copy-pasting half the "script" here. But I've gotta mention this:

Spoilers, just in case someone hasn't actually seen THE DARK KNIGHT yet )


I'm anxious to finally see TDK in IMAX this weekend, ready to embrace all the things I do love about the film (being the majority) but the more this film continues to be hyped, the less willing I am to forgive its flaws.

Still, it's a testament to a film that I was so incredibly hyped to see over the past two years that, even with all the problems I had with the final movie, I still wasn't disappointed with the overall experience.
thehefner: (Harvey Dent: Community Organizer)
I usually keep my damn trap shut when it comes to politics. I enjoy reading (but not commenting on) the political thoughts of folks here, particularly [ profile] interdisciple, [ profile] tompurdue, [ profile] pokeyburro, [ profile] dryponder, [ profile] box_in_the_box, and [ profile] madmoisellestar*. Ever since Sarah Palin came onto the scene, I've been checking [ profile] ontd_political on a near-hourly basis, even though I suspect it's not good for the ol' blood pressure.

Yet all the same, I keep my damn trap shut. Most of my beliefs are being better said by more passionate and eloquent individuals, and the last time I made the mistake of discussing one of the others, it ended up... well, let's just say "badly." It got better! But still, a potent reminder of why I snap my yap.

But a couple videos have come to my attention. One is from the best kept secret in Late Night, Craig Furgeson. Why the hell don't I watch him every night? From a sheer monologuist's standpoint, he's one of my heroes. The dude's a brilliant tangentist (we deserve a title), hilarious but always seeming open and honest and not afraid to go serious and make it work. His monologue about the death of his father was particularly powerful, and his Britney Spears monologue (where he discussed his dark alcoholic past) was fantastic. This is from last night.

"If you don't vote, you're a moron."

Damn straight.

What's really sad is if the major news networks were successful in trying to be the Daily Show, we'd be seeing shit like this on the actual news rather than on some comedy show:

I love the Daily Show, I watch it every time, but they haven't been that scathing and dead-on in a long time. Or at least, not often enough. With videos like the following, I wonder if I'll have to check out the Onion's videos for my more hardcore political satire.

"Portrayal Of Obama As Elitist Hailed As Step Forward For African Americans."

Portrayal Of Obama As Elitist Hailed As Step Forward For African Americans


Okay, back to talking about the Harvey Dent Monologues (or whatever this blog is about) before the arguments start.

*Who made the single best comment I've ever heard on spiteful Hillary voters threatening to vote for McCain over Obama: "It's like you started looking to buy a new car, and you were thinking Hybrid. You decided you wanted the Prius, but only the Fit was in stock near you, so what do you do? Fuck it, you're gettin' an Escalade. That'll show them."
thehefner: (Grindhouse: Reel Missing (PT))
... because it was in that exact kind of environment that I find makes great talent."

Speaking of videos that may not be for everybody but utterly delight John Hefner...

Yes, my friends, they actually made a HEARTS OF DARKNESS style "documentary" (done as a parody of Werner Herzog! WERNER HERZOG PARODY, PEOPLE!) about what happened behind the scenes of the ill-fated war epic TROPIC THUNDER. Featuring all-new scenes of the characters in character*, especially Downey Jr.** Did I mention Werner Herzog parody? Lord knows this isn't for all tastes, but it's like porn for John Hefner. You can download it through iTunes from here for FREE, which you should do, go now.***

I've gotta say, I'm rather disappointed that TROPIC THUNDER has been met with such a mixed reception. While I do think that it didn't go as scathing as it should have gone, thereby preventing it from being a true classic, I thought there actually was a good deal of substance behind the jokes (and while there were a couple lags, I was in pain from laughing so hard in places).

For example, David Chen at SlashFilm wrote a fascinating essay about TROPIC THUNDER's themes on white cultural appropriation, thoughts which were furthermore expanded upon by everyone's favorite bastard, Devin from Reading the comments sections on both--which I don't recommend in general for anyone who likes their brain cells--indicate just how mixed the reception is, even after the excellent points Chen and Devin raise.

I had thought of it as a big film that I liked a lot, but which failed to achieve true greatness. But if the reception is so tepid and mixed, shit, maybe someday we'll look back on TROPIC THUNDER as an underappreciated gem, much the same way we do GALAXY QUEST. Or, for that matter, ZOOLANDER.

*Holy crap, but I never realized till now just how much Steve Coogan with long hair eerily resembles [ profile] slaversbane. Like, crazy so, just blonder and pastier. There's even a moment where I swear to god he looks like he's reenacting "Gotta beat my dad, gotta beat my dad, gotta fuck my mom, gotta fuck my mom, raise the kids, they're EVIL! EVIL KIDS! EVIL!"

**Makes you wonder just how much unused footage there was. Really, Downey is just hypnotic in this film, no matter what he's doing.

***Oh my god, Herzog fans, go to and read the blog aloud in Herzog voice. It's comedy gold, people.
thehefner: (Grindhouse: Reel Missing (PT))
First: Ernest Borgnine on the Secret to Old Age.

No commentary required. Yes, it's a clip from FOX & Friends, but it's only 45 seconds. Just watch.

Well goddamn did I love TROPIC THUNDER.

It's far from perfect, mind you. Many critics have observed the half-baked subplots that don't get fleshed out like they should, while others have said the satire just plain didn't have the guts to go far enough. It's sort of like how I feel about V FOR VENDETTA: they were so close, it's kinda maddening that they don't go all the way. The two best reviews I've read on this matter are Mr. Beaks' and Joyless Bastard Devin, who explore these ideas better than I can. Perhaps they read too much into a summer comedy, but when said summer comedy skims the boundaries of becoming (and failing to become) an outright classic, such criticism is well earned.

But even when it doesn't pull off the satire or story completely, it's still usually fucking hilarious. There are so many moments here that make me giggle just thinking about them.

The only weak spot is Stiller once again playing Stiller. Beaks is right, Stiller and Matthew McConaughey (what a perfect--even superior--choice in lieu of Owen Wilson) should have switched roles. Better yet, Stiller should have gone with his original stunt-casting idea and cast Keanu Reeves in his role, or at least an actual character actor to riff on themselves the way Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. do so well here. Hell... he should have given the role to Tom Cruise.

Is Cruise's role a brilliant cameo stretched out too long to SNL-levels? Probably, but I'm not complaining. At first, I thought it was kinda one-note and uncomfortable, but maaaaan, the scene with him dancing like Satan with Bill Hader as his Mephistopheles had my jaw open in awe.

But this, unsurprisingly, is truly Downey's movie. Unlike Stiller and Black, who always have their comedy faces on (and I fear I'd be much the same kind of actor), Downey never once loses his footing in reality, no matter how ridiculous or absurd his character becomes. When he says, in that gloriously mangled "black" accent (the best/worst of its kind since Halle Berry in X-MEN), "I'm a dude playin' a dude disguised as another dude!" it's so true. The layers and levels of Downey's performance are delicious to watch, especially with all the stuff about Method acting, which of course is utterly delightful to me.

One neat thing about this group of outlandish characters is that there're actually a diminishing levels of straight men in the group. Downey is Stiller's straight man, the one who realizes, "Wait, this shit is fucked up," while Brandon T. Jackson is Downey's straight man (so to speak), between scenes of playing a marketing-whore rapper. I love Devin's observation of how "Both characters are pretending to be the black men they aren't, and I think there's a lot of clever commentary going on there." But the core straight man is Jay Baruchel, who has a real gift for natural delivery and wit. I'm definitely gonna keep an eye out for him when I finally watch FREAKS AND GEEKS.

Going into the film, I was expecting to see a (funny) rehash of THREE AMIGOS or, god help us, DELTA FARCE, maybe a bit in the style of HOT FUZZ or something. Instead, what this really reminded me of is GALAXY QUEST, and once the association clicked, I think I loved it even more. Yeah, I think it'd be safe to call it GALAXY QUEST meets THE PLAYER (lite) in terms of how it riffs on Hollywood politics and--especially--the pretensions of actors, method or otherwise.

Is it perfect? Hell no. For all tastes? GOD no. Is it as smart as it could have been? Regrettably no. But there's so much going on there that I could easily go on and on about all the lines, characters, and moment that have still stuck with me. And did I mention it was fucking hilarious? Because it's fucking hilarious. In terms of Stiller movies, it's currently neck and neck with ZOOLANDER, but that may change. We'll see if TROPIC THUNDER also holds up to repeat viewings.
thehefner: (Titus Andronicus: I made you eat!)
I come bearing videos of note behind the cut. )
thehefner: (ROCK!!!)
Craig Bierko conducts the most revealing John Malkovich interview to date. Hopefully, that title will remain unchallenged.

Bierko + Malkovich + Bathtub = Comic Gold.

Between this as LONG KISS GOODNIGHT*, Craig Bierko seems to be pretty damn awesome. But not even his presence, coupled with the pure delightfulness of Rashida Jones, could possibly ever drive me to watch UNHITCHED.

*This interview is even better if you pretend it's between his LONG KISS GOODNIGHT terrorist character and Cyrus the Virus from CON AIR.
thehefner: (Bill the Butcher: Milkshake)
Oh... migawd.

Jimmy Kimmel's rebuttal to Sarah Silverman's "Matt Damon" video:

It's not as catchy, so Sarah still wins that side of things. Lord knows, I still find myself singing it, particularly the hip-hop portion ("Knock-NAAAAACK!" "WHO'S DAT KNOCKIN' AT MAH DOOR?!"), but I think we ca successfully declare that Kimmel drank Silverman's milkshake.

After all my concern, that actually was a relatively painless Academy Awards.

Glen and Marketa winning was definitely the high moment, almost crushed when the orchestra unintentionally played them off before Marketa managed to say anything... but then Jon Stewart returned to bring her back out! Classy move!

I only watched the show halfway through, and I kinda regretted not starting from the top, just because Stewart was entertaining and no-bullshit throughout.

Do I think THERE WILL BE BLOOD deserves the Oscar more than NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN? I honestly do. But NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN is fucking brilliant anyway, so hell, I'm fucking happy.

Besides, I like to look at it this way: the Coens have been making excellent films for years now, while PTA made PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE, which I still hate so very, very deeply. But after THERE WILL BE BLOOD, he's shown that he truly is a genius talent, hopefully with his best work ahead of him.

And while I was dreading Diablo Cody's inevitable Best Screenplay win, once it actually happened... aww, man, I couldn't hate her. I still hate large chunks of her movie, but seeing her there, how overwhelmed she was, and her speech... well, I just couldn't bring myself to beskittle her biddle-diddle. I have no idea what I just said there, but I'm sure it'll make sense to her.

Note to self: always watch the Oscars with [ profile] fishymcb and [ profile] marred82. When DDL won best actor, Kevin (who hasn't even seen TWBB yet) declared: "I DRINK IT UP, CLOONEY!!!"

Best portions of's running Oscar commentary:

7:39pm - Harrison Ford doesn't look a day over infinity.

7:47pm - I wonder how much Barbara's face would crumple from even a punch at half strength from Roddy Piper.

8:09pm - Miley Cyrus is a presenter. Clint Howard is not. Fuck Buddha in Allah's ass.

8:19pm - It's good that Tilda Swinton decided to get sexy for the Oscars by looking like the freeze dried version of Carrot Top.

9:44pm - "The always fantastic Jessica Alba"? What built this madness?

9:53pm - Miley Cyrus is alive. Fuck being at the Oscars. Why does she take air that belongs to the sparrows and rhinos?

As for the deaths, I understand Roy Schedier being too late to qualify so he'll be there next year... but where was Brad Renfro?

All in all, not a bad night. But thankfully I had friends and whiskey to make it all go down better.
thehefner: (Two Face: A Lonely Place of Dying)
Every so often, the comedy site Something Awful posts something downright brilliant. This is one of those times, and I have the incomparable [ profile] jellied to thank for bringing this to my attention (not surprising, considering she shares my critical-but-generally-positive-with-reservations opinions toward JUNO.)

From The leaked first page of JUNO screenwriter Diablo Cody's new script.


While I haven't bought any action figures for a while, I think that's all set to change with the introduction of DC's new Brian Bolland Batman line! Look at these: every single one is excellent:

"The Killing Joke" Joker (without snazzy hat): I don't know if I prefer Hawaiian Joker with or without his snazzy hat, but either way, it's awesome.

Poison Ivy! This might be the best Pam figure I've ever seen, just because it's m personal favorite take on the character: rather than normal human skin or that Photoshop She-Hulk green, I vastly prefer a pale, vampiric take, perhaps with the slightest hint of green under porcelain skin. Lucy Westerna of the Batman rogues gallery.

Hugo Strange! Dear lord, someone's actually making a Dr. Hugo Strange action figure! He's one of my very favorite Bat-villains, one of the most truly insane in the rogues gallery. I think even folks like the Joker and the Hatter shun his company because he's just too "off."

Two-Face!!! Dear lord, a Brian Bolland Two-Face figure! Where to start? First of all, I don't care for old school Two-Face (loud split suit, bow tie, green scars), but if anyone could make it work, it's Brian Bolland. I've always loved his take on Harvey because he perfectly manages to balance the horrible detail of the scars with the humanity on the good side. Look at the details of this figure! I just hope it lives up to the prototype on display here. And this might be the first-ever Two-Face figure with the coin in mid-flip!

I need to ask, though: what's the deal with artists making Harvey's left hand all scarred up too? He was just hit with acid in the face! Even if he touched the burning side, it wouldn't have gotten all over his hand, unless he rolled it around and... oh, why do I even bother?

Seriously, this is probably the greatest Two-Face action figure ever (Tim Sale's LONG HALLOWEEN figure could have been up there, but the suit looks hilariously baggy, and Harvey looks like a melting Tommy Lee Jones. And that's just on his good side.)

Looks like I'm gonna need more shelf space.
thehefner: (Harley and Ivy have funny hats)
So Grandmaster of Funk [ profile] fishymcb pointed me towards this video.

It... look, it's Orson Welles and it's Pinky and the Brain. Just watch it.

Like the vast majority of kids who say this ten years ago, I didn't get the joke. Now... holy crap. Hoooooo-ly crap. Kevin's right, Maurice LaMarche is a god among men; if it weren't for the recording quality difference, you wouldn't be able to tell where he ended and Welles began.
thehefner: (Harvey Dent: Aaron in Shadow)

Live-action reenactments of Garfield strips, along with added "tributes" to the man, the myth, the legend, Jim Davis.

Utter, utter brilliance.

Some starting highlights from what I've seen include this, this, and on the slightly more long-winded endurance side, this.

Go. Watch. Explore. Try to keep your soul intact.

(I'm kind of tempted to say, "Wow, this is what Tim and Eric would be if they were actually funny. Instead of raping comedy on a weekly basis. You know, like, raping it up the ass.")

Oh, and in THE DARK KNIGHT news, Christopher Nolan finally (albeit briefly) mentioned Harvey's role. "Harvey Dent is a tragic figure," Nolan says, "and his story is the backbone of this film." Several people are taking this to mean that while everyone will be looking at Ledger's amazing performance as the Joker, the movie will really be about Harvey*.

I'm just glad the comic store was empty, so no one had to hear the sound I made upon hearing that news.

I cannot frickin' wait till frickin' July, man.

*Well, and Batman, of course. Much as I love the Bat-villains, I hope they take the cue from the SPIDER-MAN movies and remember that, at the end of the day, it's the hero's story, not the villains. And while Harvey is both, and very much the dark mirror to Bruce Wayne, it's still Bruce's story.
thehefner: (Bub: i has fingur?)
So you all know about Patton Oswalt's rant on KFC's Famous Bowls, right?

In case you don't Patton Oswalt's now-famous rant can be seen here. And if you have no idea what a KFC Famous Bowl is, consider yourself lucky and just read the description, so you'll know it isn't something Patton was just making up. Unfortunately.

Well, in truth, it turns out that Patton has never actually tried a--as he calls the it--"failure pile in a sadness bowl." So the geniuses at the A.V. Club decided to rectify this.

A.V. Club Taste Test Special: The Bowl At The Howling Rim Of Famous-Ity, by Patton Oswalt. Or, "Patton Oswalt Describes His Heroic Experience Eating a KFC Famous Bowl So We Don't Have To. The Funeral Will Be Monday."

In case you were wondering, it was the "sad ham" line that made me realize I must post this here.

Oh, and while we're being funny (and if [ profile] dormsquirrel doesn't mind) I simply have to post these excerpts from BEST NONREQUIRED READING. This is part is nonfiction, right? Please God let it be.

Best American Names of Horses Expected to Have Undistinguished Careers:

Average at Best
Ayn Rand's Condescending Sigh
Buyer's Remorse
Cloud of Suspicion
Colic the Wonder Horse
Daddy Drinks Because I'm Slow
Exit Strategy
Fond of Long Naps
For the Love of God Run Faster
Glued Lightning
Hell Is Other Horses
I Have No Son*
Limp to Victory
Low Expectations
Luck O' the Amish
Pride of Two Guys with No Business Owning a Horse
Shoulda Bought a Monkey
Slim to None
Some Budding Young Actress's Fit of Pique
Squeak of Defiance
Stupid Gypsy Curse
This is Your Horse on Drugs
Torpor Unbound
Tripsy McStumble
Undisguised Contempt for All Things French
War Criminal

*I like to imagine it said ala Laurence Olivier in THE JAZZ SINGER: "I HAFF NO SON!"

And finally... (Three of the) Best American Beginnings of Ten Stories about Ponies.

1. I saw the pony there, just standing there, just standing in the rain. And that's when I knew that I was going to leave my wife.

8. No one saw the pony rebellion coming. No one but Brent Steel.

10. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. And there was this fucking pony, too.

September 2012

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