God, that gravy! The window! The window!

[thehefner]

So you all know about Patton Oswalt's rant on KFC's Famous Bowls, right?

In case you don't Patton Oswalt's now-famous rant can be seen here. And if you have no idea what a KFC Famous Bowl is, consider yourself lucky and just read the description, so you'll know it isn't something Patton was just making up. Unfortunately.

Well, in truth, it turns out that Patton has never actually tried a--as he calls the it--"failure pile in a sadness bowl." So the geniuses at the A.V. Club decided to rectify this.

A.V. Club Taste Test Special: The Bowl At The Howling Rim Of Famous-Ity, by Patton Oswalt. Or, "Patton Oswalt Describes His Heroic Experience Eating a KFC Famous Bowl So We Don't Have To. The Funeral Will Be Monday."

In case you were wondering, it was the "sad ham" line that made me realize I must post this here.



Oh, and while we're being funny (and if dormsquirrel doesn't mind) I simply have to post these excerpts from BEST NONREQUIRED READING. This is part is nonfiction, right? Please God let it be.

Best American Names of Horses Expected to Have Undistinguished Careers:

Average at Best
Ayn Rand's Condescending Sigh
Buyer's Remorse
Cloud of Suspicion
Colic the Wonder Horse
Daddy Drinks Because I'm Slow
Exit Strategy
Fond of Long Naps
For the Love of God Run Faster
Glued Lightning
Hell Is Other Horses
I Have No Son*
Limp to Victory
Low Expectations
Luck O' the Amish
Pride of Two Guys with No Business Owning a Horse
Shoulda Bought a Monkey
Slim to None
Some Budding Young Actress's Fit of Pique
Squeak of Defiance
Stupid Gypsy Curse
This is Your Horse on Drugs
Torpor Unbound
Tripsy McStumble
Undisguised Contempt for All Things French
War Criminal


*I like to imagine it said ala Laurence Olivier in THE JAZZ SINGER: "I HAFF NO SON!"


And finally... (Three of the) Best American Beginnings of Ten Stories about Ponies.

1. I saw the pony there, just standing there, just standing in the rain. And that's when I knew that I was going to leave my wife.

8. No one saw the pony rebellion coming. No one but Brent Steel.

10. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. And there was this fucking pony, too.

Comments

[mirthical.livejournal.com]

I like Ayn Rand's Condescending Sigh best. Very classy.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Well of course you do.

I should show you the Ayn Rand story in the comic series ACTION PHILOSOPHERS! someday.

[jellied.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty sure that the original Famous Bowl was probably the worst thing I could have ever eaten in a fast food restaurant (I'm convinced that all of the CEO's at KFC are stoners now). And I've said horrible things about the bowl in the past-- but I'm suddenly intrigued by this rice bowl.

Seriously? Marketing gets me every single time.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I'm sure I've collectively had all the ingredients of the original Famous Bowl over my occasional visits to KFC, none of which were especially bad I recalled. Amazing how, together, they could be so absolutely horrible.

... Yes, but it's rice! What could possibly be bad about rice?

[jellied.livejournal.com]

I think I had during one of Holly and I's Porn and Chicken Nights, another thing which sounded amazing in theory.

It tasted like despair.

I'm asian dude, I'm gonna gravitate towards anything with rice in it.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Based on the Yale group (and subsequent made-for-Comedy-Central movie)?

Well fine, just as long as you share your tasting experience with me afterward.

[jellied.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Only it didn't lead to a home-made porno entitled "The Stacks". It was actually a combination of the "Porn and Chicken" nights I used to throw my first year of college-- and the "Porn and Scrabble" nights she had.

And of course, because I am a fattie I won.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I kinda like the idea of "Porn and Scrabble." I hereby propose "Whores and Bingo Afternoons" and "Strippers and Yahtzee Tea Time."

Link, please!

[kali921.livejournal.com]

Link to the pony story site, please!

Also, "Torpor Unbound"? AHAHAHA. Source?????

Re: Link, please!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

It's not a site, but a book!

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0618902813/ref=pd_cp_b_1?pf_rd_p=317711001&pf_rd_s=center-41&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0618341234&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0BGH150V1SXFVHRNPMCK

Re: Link, please!

[kali921.livejournal.com]

ICON. WHERE DID YOU GET. CAN I STEAL?

Re: Link, please!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

It was made by yazzle in this entry:

http://yazzle.livejournal.com/124107.html

Images from TEEN TITANS YEAR ONE, which is filled with downright gorgeous art. I kinda perversely love how freakish, sickly, and cowardly Aqualad is here.

Question.

[kali921.livejournal.com]

Wow...that is pretty. I can't abide the Year One titles, except for the Green Arrow mini. They seem awash in great art but poor storytelling. Agree? Disagree?

Re: Question.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Well, besides Metamorpho, what other ones are there? Metamorpho is lame, sure, but that's because Dan Jurgens is writing it. Green Arrow was good all around, and TT:YO is written pretty well so far. I mean, it's a fun and lively (and faithful!) take on the old Silver Age origin. My only complaint is, as others have pointed out, Dick and Wally are being written like Tim and Bart, but otherwise, I really dug the first issue.

[civilbloodshed.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I agreed with Patton for exactly the same reasons until I heard his bit. Then, in what I can only attribute to a mild fit of obstinate rebelion, I tried one. They're totally awesome and remind me of tacos. KFC bowls are like the white man's taco. I believe this to be fact.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

And so someday, when I'm starving on some long lonesome highway at 3am when the only thing open is a KFC, mayhaps I'll look the Devil in the bowl. If I survive and wish I hadn't, I'll blame you.

[jcsbimp.livejournal.com]

KFC is directly responsible for The Sickest I've Ever Been.

That was a hilarious skit and article.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Oswalt is a hobbit of geek magnificence.

Thank you.

[madmoisellestar.livejournal.com]

The list of horse names made me laugh so very hard.

May I repost? Others need the laughter...

Re: Thank you.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

By all means, by all means!

[fiveseconddelay.livejournal.com]

Horsies. Bad enough LOL at work. But spitting coffee on the monitor? No. Thank you.

I THREW A ROCK AT 'IM!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

...

They were twins. And the movie finally lived up to its title.

[nymphgalatea.livejournal.com]

We in the UK have things such as haggis, black pudding, Cumberland pie, deep fried Mars Bars and as many other culinary atrocities as we've been able to think up over the past 1800 years.

But that. That...that is just not right, on a basic level.

Also, either that biscuit one was sent from God in order to punish you for that whole "War of Independance" thing...or a biscuit in the US is not the same thing as a biscuit in the UK.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

... there's a dive bar which serves deep friend candy bars. I'm going there tonight. I still haven't had one, but your mere mention continues the temptation.

Honesty, I'm actually more likely to try haggis than the KFC Bowl. ... no, I take it back, I'm sorry. I mean, I'm sure there are worse things in hot dogs, but still, yipes. Seriously, I'm sure I'll give haggis and black pudding and other such things a sporting chance if I'm offered the really good stuff... but still, yeelll.

I'm still wondering about the whole "biscuit" thing between the US and UK. Whenever I go there, I keep seeing cookies called biscuits. That KFC biscuit is essentially a big soft scone made entirely of processed flour and butter (or more likely butter substitute food).

I tried and failed to find rosinslady's story about making cookies for her Irish friends, and the confusion that followed. Or was she making buscuits?

[nymphgalatea.livejournal.com]

I wish you luck with the deep fried chocolate. I've never tried it myself, though I've seen a boy eat a deep fried pizza and then two deep fried Cadburys' Creme Eggs in a sitting. I nearly boaked just from watching.

Haggis is okay when it's high quality and organic and made in a restaurant by a chef who knows what he's doing. Black pudding is not okay under any circumstances. Neither is that carb-loaded KFC fatbowl. Yick.

I dunno. Biscuits in the UK are things like...Hob Nobs. Digestive biscuits. KitKats are considered biscuits, too. They're always sweet, sometimes have chocolate on and are generally hard and brittle and good for dipping in tea. Cookies are generally softer and a bit chewier.

All cookies are biscuits, but not all biscuits are cookies, if that makes sense?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Whenever I tell my friends that Cadbury Creme Eggs are sold year round (3 for a pound vending machines in the Tube!), the reaction is always a mixture of disturbed with the horrible knowledge that they'd be partaking in a couple handfuls every now and again. And when I mention McDonald's had a Creme Egg McFlurry, I think they instantly pass out from psychosomatic diabetic shock.

I'll keep the Black Pudding part in mind. As I will with haggis.

I'm a big fan of Hob Nobs and McVities. It's tricky to track 'em down here, but when I do, I always come away with about four or five canisters to stock up. (Now if only we could get Nestle Smarties... the things they call Smarties here are chalky discs of crap that everyone hates, like mini Necco Wafers or something, I dunno...)

But KitKats? Well, I suppose I can understand how they'd be biscuits, but when the chocolate is that thick, I'd say that officially crosses the line to candy bar territory.

In America, there seems to be a long (and in my opinion, wrong-headed) tradition to make cookies hard and brittle as often as soft and chewy. I've never known anyone who'd willingly take a crunchy cookie over a soft one, yet they're everywhere.

Gotcha, okay. Figured it was like that.

[nymphgalatea.livejournal.com]

Ah, well, Smarties apparently aren't as good as they used to be. They've taken all the artificial colouring out of them, so there's no more blue ones. Blue ones were the best. I wasn't allowed to eat them when I was wee. I went a little bit hyper on them. (And anyway, I try to boycott Nestle, because of the whole baby milk thing)

Don't get a Brit started on the differences between biscuits, cakes and chocolae bars. We're apt to go off on long-winded tangents about Jaffa Cakes and the landmark legal case that involved giant-sized biscuits in The High Court.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Nooooooooooo! But they had a surprisingly sweet candy shell that set them apart from M&Ms (which I enjoy, but still...!). Poop.

I had no idea Brits could be such a contentious people over cake. (also, note that I'm being a very good boy and avoiding quoting the Groundskeeper Willie scene about how the Scots are a contentious people. I learned my lesson when I quoting the Australian episode to a bunch of my Aussie peers in a tour group).

[nymphgalatea.livejournal.com]

As one who had to suffer through an ex-boyfriend trying to quote giant chunks of Leaves of Grass at me when drunk, your icon amuses me enormously.

We Scots are a very contentious people, no one would deny this. And if they do, I'll fight the denying bastards!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Oh good lord, you poor girl! Of course, me, I'd be drunkenly raving about Sinestro Corps and forcing you to watch horror movies and Sondheim.

Ooh! By the way, I read the new issue of GLC which comes out tomorrow. Once you do, hit me up and tell me if I'm totally crazy or is that some really solid dialogue. The scene with Guy and Kyle in space alone... I really like Tomasi's work so far! I was kinda ambivalent on GLC before SINESTRO CORPS kicked in, but now I'm totally digging it.

So... you do know the Willie scene I mean in particular, right?

[nymphgalatea.livejournal.com]

As requested, here is the hit up to tell you what I thought. Please bear in mind I'm cranky because I've got toothache.

But yup, you're right. Damn solid dialogue. You really get the feeling that these are two guys who've been through a helluva lot together and are pretty comfortable with each other. The conversation had a nice back-and-forth flow to it.

Plus, Warriors Bar on Oa = Infinite Possibilities For Wacky Hijinks.

The only thing is that I'm afraid GLC might become the Kyle & Guy Show. And while I *heart* them to bits, I also *heart* the cast of GLC that Gibbons put together. I especially love Soranik Natu, so if she gets pushed to the side I'll be disappointed.

But between this and the issue of Nightwing Tomasi just wrote, I'm feeling very positive. (Seriously, he managed to write a recognisable, charming and intelligent Dick Grayson, which is apparently very hard if the last 3 years of DC comics are anything to go by)

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Ah, huzzah!

I really hope he can indeed balance the rich ensemble cast that GLC has set up, giving rich character moments to all. GL is such an ensemble comic that it needed a companion book, and even THEN you fear some characters are going to get short-changed. Kinda the problem with your cast goes into the thousands (and that's just the good guys!)

[nymphgalatea.livejournal.com]

I just realised I lapsed into the vernacular at the start of my post. Sorry. "Boaked" means to dry heave/be sick in Glasweigian.

Oh! I just Googled Biscuit(USA) and you Yankees are all confused! They're scones! We have scones. We put raisins in the dough mix and spread clotted cream & jam on them and have them as wee snacks with tea.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I think I subconsciously figured that out just phonetically.

Yes, I figured it was something like that as well, as I likened the KFC biscuit to a scone. A very, very buttery, heavy-tasting scone. I wouldn't befoul a nice cup of tea with it any day.

I just got a great scone mix for Christmas with dried strawberries. Came out loverly, if I do say so myself. (Why yes, clearly I am a paragon for manly men everywhere.)

[grey-bard.livejournal.com]

Er, they kind of taste different than scones. They're fluffier and saltier - but they are kind of a distant cousin.

What a great word!

[fiveseconddelay.livejournal.com]

So to clarify, "boaked" = "tossed my cookies"

[angrylemur.livejournal.com]

I grew up in a town called Cumberland and must ask what Cumberland pie is.

[nymphgalatea.livejournal.com]

It's a pie of three layers

Bottom layer: minced beef/lamb with carrots/other root vegetables in thick gravy.
Middle layer: mashed potato
Top layer: an unholy mixture of breadcrumbs and cheese.

Generally served up in school cafeterias, where the mince is grey, the potato manages to be both lumpy and watery and the cheese/breadcrumb is burned black.

Once eaten, it sits in your stomach like concrete for the next few days.

[angrylemur.livejournal.com]

Oh! That's like Shepherd's Pie, with the layers in different orders (the mashed potatoes go on top of the unholy mixture of breadcrumbs and cheese).

[heykidzcomix.livejournal.com]

For the man who has everything, except shame.

I have a friend who once sought out an all-you-can-eat KFC buffet in order to gorge himself so strenuously it would cause him the meat sweat. He ended up vomiting partway through in order to be able to eat more chicken--though, to be fair, after the vomiting he didn't really feel like eating much more chicken. I wonder how many DeathBowls he could make it through.

sad news

[dormsquirrel.livejournal.com]

Alas, my friend, they are not real. I hope I didn't destroy everyone's day. :o) They were written by a dude and lady, respectively, and I would write their names here but I'm just a little too lazy to go find the book and look them up.

But there are other Best of lists in that book that are actually real, so hooray!

Re: sad news

[skalja.livejournal.com]

I was thinking they couldn't be, because embarrassingly, I know some of the rules for Thoroughbred horse names, and some of the ones in the list are too long.

... *headdesk*

However, I am having happy flashbacks to the notorious "Porn Star or My Little Pony?" quiz, so all is well.

Re: sad news

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Why must you be the screen door on my submarine?