thehefner: (Curse you Richards Kitty!)
A few weeks back, Henchgirl and I went to Zelienople to visit [ profile] captaintwinings, thereby reuniting the entire team from the Durian Smoothie fiasco. Henchgirl also wanted to spend some quality time with her estranged kitty, a corpulent and none-too-bright tabby named Harvey (Bullock, not Dent). Unfortunately, Harvey stank of kitty litter, which was bad for preggers Henchgirl. So, naturally, there was only one thing to be done.

If you're short of time/patience/JOY, then cue the video to 4:45.

And if you crave precious, precious closure, here's a quick epilogue to the fiasco:

thehefner: (Venture Bros: Theatre People)
After years and years of searching and hoping, someone has FINALLY posted the entirety of Derek Jacobi in CYRANO DE BERGERAC (with the translation by Anthony Burgess of A CLOCKWORK ORANGE fame):

This just barely surpasses RICHARD II as my favorite Jacobi performance of all time. The balcony scene never fails to bring tears to my eyes once he gets to, "Oh GOD how I love you!" Furthermore, this is possibly my personal favorite ever production of CYRANO DE BERGERAC, above the Ferrer and Depardieu film versions and the lovely Geriant Wynn Davies stage version here in DC a few years back. Anyone seen the Kevin Klein version with Jennifer Garner?

I'm hoping to talk Henchgirl into cuddling around the laptop to watch this sometime. She fears it'll be too depressing, but I'm like, "No, no, it's a tragedy, granted, but one that sweeps the soul in grand dramatic swashbuckly flair! CYRANO isn't just depressing! It's magnificently depressing!"
thehefner: (Venture Bros: Boop)
Back to general nerdiness.

First, I should mention that I finally watched TRON last Friday for the express purpose of being able to watch the much-hyped trailer for TRON LEGACY, and holy sweet bejabbers, you folks weren't kidding. That is one sweet trailer. And maybe it's just me, but man, Bridges' delivery of "Not anymore" is downright goosebumps-inducing.

It actually made me like the film more than the film itself did, just to see Jeff Bridges' character seeming to take a bit of Obie Stane* to heart there. I hear tell that Flynn's apparently been in gameworld so long that he's gone full-on Col. Kurtz. Awesome. Between that and the prospect of more Boxleitner and that's one ticket fucking bought.

Man, Jeff Bridges is one of those actors who possesses the most double-edged kind of brilliance. He's so good that no one notices. He's just so natural, not showy at all. He deserves way more praise than he gets.

Now, for the main reason I called you all here today.

[ profile] american_arcane posted this latest bit of utter and complete amazing awesomeness on his Facebook. To quote Ren Hoek: "I'M. SO. HAPPY!"

Full cast behind the cut, just so all the awesome surprises aren't spoiled )

I've always had a strange love for G.I. JOE, just because of the characters. How they all had such rich backstories and personalities. I adore them all, no matter what form they come in, be it the cheesy show, the legitimately far-better-than-you'd-ever-expect Marvel Comics by Larry Hama, epically brain-breaking three-part Fringe musicals, god I'm STILL recovering from COBRA: THE MUSICAL, PART III... heck, I'm seriously tempted to see the film, which is either awful or awesomely stupid, depending on who you ask.

Hell, I almost can't even consider it a parody. Of course Cobra Commander loves 70's boogie and would force Three Dog Night to reunite. The guy was a used car salesman, for god's sake! Seriously! It's canon and everything!


Now I can truly go to bed happy and fulfilled until the crushing disappointment that always sinks in not long after waking in the morning. Yay!!!

*I wish I could remember who it was that noted how Stane in IRON MAN was just the nicest Marvel villain ever. "Tony! How're you doing, buddy? Hey, I have pizza! YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY! Nah, I'm just kiddin'! Hey, lookit me, I got a Segway, wheeeeeeee! Hey, is that your heart? Mind if I FUCKING RIP IT OUT K TNX HAHAHA IS EVIL."
thehefner: (Hulk Have Axe)
Found via [ profile] bagelofdeath.

NSFW, and you'll need to jump through a minor hurdle to prove your age, but it's worth it.

I showed this to [ profile] fiveseconddelay last night. He wanted to watch it twice, which I think rather says something. Then I followed it up by showing him THE RULES OF ATTRACTION, which I was pleasantly surprised to discover he didn't hate.

But yes, absolutely, Kim: I don't know how Miles Fisher could top this, but I'd still love to see him try a BATMAN BEGINS vid. Or, I dunno, do a dark and sinister take on NEWSIES.

Speaking of Christian Bale, it was nice to discover that TERMINATOR: SALVATION wasn't as horrible as I'd expected. It's surprisingly enjoyable in parts. Anton Yelchin was easily the film's highlight; dear god, he actually managed to channel Michael Biehn, it was nutty.

Still, it's fascinating to consider the changes made to the script at the behest of Bale, and the original script that would have made TERMINATOR: SALVATION better, if not more interesting. If I'm actively bothered by anything, it's that this demoted Yelchin's Kyle Reese from supporting lead to supporting character.
thehefner: (Watchmen Babies: V For Vacation)
I've never really been a fan of the "I'm a Marvel... and I'm a DC" parody videos (of the Mac/PC ads, natch). Oh, I've found them amusing enough, but rarely anything more than that.

That said... this? I am dying from how awesome this is:

If you don't know Deadpool, let me just say that this is in no way an exaggeration of the actual character. Wade Wilson is like if Freakazoid was put into the Weapon X program. And I, for one, would pay good money to see a Wade/Walter sitcom.

I just wish there was more Comedian. I think he and Wade would have a good rapport. Not to mention how he'd interact with Adrian.

I think this is the voice I'll hear whenever I read Wade, until/unless they do the DEADPOOL spin-off film with Ryan Reynolds, and really let him cut loose. Because say what you want about Ryan, he has to potential to be a PERFECT Deadpool if they do it right.

I hear he's actually one of the few bright spots in WOLVERINE in the beginning, what little he's in it. I dunno if I'm gonna see it, because wow, the reactions have been like an utter trainwreck. At least with X-MEN 3, we saw the trainwreck coming!

One critic wished, after seeing the opening sequence with Logan/Victor over the wars, that the movie had actually been like an immortal mutant version of THE DUELISTS, with them meeting to battle for years and years until they've forgotten why. Shit, I'd buy that for a dollar!
thehefner: (I'm a pirate! YARR!)
I'm at the beach house in Rehoboth Beach for just a day, as I gotta be back down to Washington College to see Neil Gaiman.

I swung by WAC yesterday to see the great [ profile] beatonna, an hour detour that seemed like a much better idea at the time. When I got there, I realized that 1.) I have nothing I'd want to say to Kate Beaton, nor anything for her to sign, 2.) I'm too damn shy to ask for a drawing in this atmosphere, in the crammed O'Neill Lit House with all these people here, 3.) she was doing a Q&A, and I hate Q&A's because there are always one or two yahoos who ask totally inane questions that make me want to claw out my own brain, and 4.) holy crap, is that the creepy guy from the Georgetown comic shop where I worked? Does he go to Washington College now?!?! RUN. RUN AWAY.

So that was rather a waste of a couple hours. Thankfully, the HopeMobile comes equipped with a six-disc CD changer, and I had a recording of THE PRESTIGE to keep me company. So far, I'm into it WAY more than I was the movie, which still leaves a bad taste in my mouth even today.

[ profile] bitemetechie alerted me to the following quote sleepily uttered by her roommate, [ profile] darkestnova:

"John is our magic song machine. Like a jukebox that doesn't take quarters. Or requests. He's shiny."

Well, I do have a tendency to randomly burst into song. I wish someone else could hear the background music whenever it starts up!

For example, I've recently found myself singing Laurie Anderson's "Let X=X," which has since become one of my favorite things ever. Why does this bizarre nonsense song make me so goddamned happy?

Really, I can't believe I've gone this long without knowing Laurie Anderson. I mean, just look at her!

She's... god, she's like a female Agent Smith who decided to become a performance artist in the 80's.

By the way, anybody who owns and/or likes her seminal album BIG SCIENCE is strongly encouraged to go on iTunes and track down a song from 2007, exclusively online. It's called "Big Science 2," obviously a sequel to the title track, and it's easily one of my favorite songs of hers so far.

Man, dare I splurge $37 to buy her epic four-disc UNITED STATES LIVE album?
thehefner: (Me: Rose)
I'm at a loss to guess if my recent discovery of Laurie Anderson will elicit which of the following responses:

A.) You don't know Laurie Anderson?!

B.) Hell yeah, Laurie Anderson is awesome!

C.) Good lord, ew, no, Laurie Anderson is crap!

D.) Who the hell is Laurie Anderson?

E.) I like pie.

Whichever response it is, the point is simply this: I think I absolutely fucking love Laurie Anderson, and must travel back to 1984--during which period I would be one year old--and make her mine.

Because this... I gotta say, this gets me a li'l moist. Just a li'l bit.

I hated that song when Peter Gabriel covered it (with her) on his seminal album SO. Turned out, I just wasn't on their wavelength then, because watching that now, I feel like... what Amanda Palmer does to her fans, Laurie Anderson is kinda doing to me. She hits all my drag king points, coupled with my love of 80's prog rock and general wackiness.

She's like if Peter Gabriel and David Byrne raised a daughter together. She's like Peter if he ever looked like he was having fun doing any of his wacky shit.* And to make her even more awesome, look who she's married to:

Lucky, lucky man. God, that is a couple in rock 'n roll love right there.

Yeah, I can't compete with that, even with a time machine. All I can do is watch these, swoon, hope that my swooning isn't meant with reactions as if I just discovered Phil Collins, and pray for HOME OF THE BRAVE coming out on DVD soon.

*even in the videos for "Sledgehammer" and "Shock the Monkey," he just seems so intense; this is a man who treats walking around stage in a Zorb and going bouncy-bouncy-bouncy as SERIOUS BUSINESS.
thehefner: (Aquaman: They See Me Rollin')
I didn't think I could love FOSTER'S HOME FOR IMAGINARY FRIENDS more than I already did. I maintain that it is the modern successor to Jim Henson's muppets, and dearly deserves wider recognition. Especially today, now that many people are confused while others are dying of awestruck laughter:

Utterly brilliant. And that they gave the last word to Cheese... I LIKE CHOCOLATE MILK!

Okay, back to the road now.
thehefner: (SEXLEXIA)
Ugh, sorry if the Harvey Dent mix is being problematic for anyone. A hundred drunken lemurs are hard at work trying to find a solution. They would be sober, but they're too anxious today.

I think this is my second presidential election where I could vote, but this one felt... kinda cool, actually. Got a little twinge of pride and everything.

Alas, would that I'd known who else was on the ballot, my vote might have gone elsewhere...

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

At first, I was wondering, "Wait, what's the inside of a DC Metro station doing there?!" But then I realized it's perfect, as the DC Metro is a beautiful example of the 1970's idea of what the future would look like.
thehefner: (Ghostbusters: Ray w/ Cigarette)
This has been making the rounds on the internets--people asking "Is this for real?" "Has Dan Aykroyd gone completely mad?" "Is this viral marketing for GHOSTBUSTERS 3?" "No, seriously, has he gone fucking crazy?"--but so far, I've yet to see it on LJ.

Let's rectify that.

I showed this to [ profile] fiveseconddelay, expecting him at any point to go, "Okay, I've seen enough" and indicate that he was finished humoring me. Instead, as I did when I first saw it, he just watched all the way to the end. He said, "It's like... you keep waiting for the punchline. It keeps you enthralled, and you keep waiting for the joke and it... never comes. And now I want a bottle."

And yes, it's real. On Halloween, John Hodgman performed the noble task of conducting a personal taste test. You're a god among men, Hodg-Man.

Crazy or not, I too want a bottle. You've sold me, Ray.
thehefner: (We Don't Need... Rhodes)
My top ten favorite horror movie moments... )
thehefner: (Al Bundy: Shoot Me)
Am back. I have a veritable assload to post about, which I'll get to over the next couple of days. First, though, I will say that you guys who were worried that I was getting sickly-thin can worry no more, for I have finally consumed White Castle. Daily. For four days.

In the meantime... well, just watch this video wherein Ron Howard takes off his shirt, puts on wigs, and reunites with Griffith and Winkler in character. For Obama.

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die
thehefner: (Al Bundy: Shoot Me)
And here I worried that my life of hermitude was keeping me from getting any more material. Hefnerian events will always find me.

Let me tell you, it's a complex feeling indeed to realize that you're only within the first fifteen minutes of a Hefner Monologue. And there's no way of knowing whether it'll end up being an anecdote, a show, a mini-series, or a tome.

I feel like Harold Crick. I just wish I knew whether it was a comedy or a tragedy. But then, with me, they've never been so clearly defined.

I guess what I'm saying is, get me a tattooed Maggie Gyllenhaal, stat!


Fuck it, have some videos.

First, watch this whole thing. It's only a minute long, just watch it all the way, for it ends... magically.

If you, like I, were totally confused while laughing your/my ass off, this should help clarify matters.

This has been making the rounds, but bears viewing for anyone who has missed it. Batman vs. Penguin: The Debate! (No mudslinging!)

They're good, but eh, I still believe in What's His Face.

Here's the trailer for a Swedish film I hadn't heard about until the announcement that it was being remade (by the director of CLOVERFIELD, no less), much to the universal disgust of critics. They say there is absolutely no point in remaking this brilliant, moving film, a film which may well be one of the greatest vampire movies ever made.

The trailer for LET THE RIGHT ONE IN.

Even considering how much I hate vampires, I cannot help but be intrigued. Hopefully we get to see it before it gets brownc... er... overhyped, so we can all look down upon the inevitably wrong-headed and inferior American remake. By the CLOVERFIELD guy.

EDIT: Two More!

Via [ profile] kali921, KNEEL BEFORE ZOD'S KITCHENS!

And finally, via [ profile] benchilada, who got it via [ profile] foxhack, it now falls unto me to bring you a video of the hardest motherfucker on the planet:

thehefner: (Cyclops as ELVIS!)
Been meaning to post this for almost a week now.

A-Ha's "Take On Me," redone with literal lyrics that match the video.

My only criticism is that the ending is kinda weak. I think they missed a prime opportunity for an ALTERED STATES shout-out, even if only nerds like me would get it.

Still, I've seen this five times now. I reckon by the fifteenth time it'll stop being awesome. Maybe.

Between this and introducing [ profile] angrylemur to the magnificence that is Michael Mann's MANHUNTER, it's been a good week for 80's-tasticness.
thehefner: (Harvey Dent: Community Organizer)
I usually keep my damn trap shut when it comes to politics. I enjoy reading (but not commenting on) the political thoughts of folks here, particularly [ profile] interdisciple, [ profile] tompurdue, [ profile] pokeyburro, [ profile] dryponder, [ profile] box_in_the_box, and [ profile] madmoisellestar*. Ever since Sarah Palin came onto the scene, I've been checking [ profile] ontd_political on a near-hourly basis, even though I suspect it's not good for the ol' blood pressure.

Yet all the same, I keep my damn trap shut. Most of my beliefs are being better said by more passionate and eloquent individuals, and the last time I made the mistake of discussing one of the others, it ended up... well, let's just say "badly." It got better! But still, a potent reminder of why I snap my yap.

But a couple videos have come to my attention. One is from the best kept secret in Late Night, Craig Furgeson. Why the hell don't I watch him every night? From a sheer monologuist's standpoint, he's one of my heroes. The dude's a brilliant tangentist (we deserve a title), hilarious but always seeming open and honest and not afraid to go serious and make it work. His monologue about the death of his father was particularly powerful, and his Britney Spears monologue (where he discussed his dark alcoholic past) was fantastic. This is from last night.

"If you don't vote, you're a moron."

Damn straight.

What's really sad is if the major news networks were successful in trying to be the Daily Show, we'd be seeing shit like this on the actual news rather than on some comedy show:

I love the Daily Show, I watch it every time, but they haven't been that scathing and dead-on in a long time. Or at least, not often enough. With videos like the following, I wonder if I'll have to check out the Onion's videos for my more hardcore political satire.

"Portrayal Of Obama As Elitist Hailed As Step Forward For African Americans."

Portrayal Of Obama As Elitist Hailed As Step Forward For African Americans


Okay, back to talking about the Harvey Dent Monologues (or whatever this blog is about) before the arguments start.

*Who made the single best comment I've ever heard on spiteful Hillary voters threatening to vote for McCain over Obama: "It's like you started looking to buy a new car, and you were thinking Hybrid. You decided you wanted the Prius, but only the Fit was in stock near you, so what do you do? Fuck it, you're gettin' an Escalade. That'll show them."
thehefner: (Grindhouse: Reel Missing (PT))
... because it was in that exact kind of environment that I find makes great talent."

Speaking of videos that may not be for everybody but utterly delight John Hefner...

Yes, my friends, they actually made a HEARTS OF DARKNESS style "documentary" (done as a parody of Werner Herzog! WERNER HERZOG PARODY, PEOPLE!) about what happened behind the scenes of the ill-fated war epic TROPIC THUNDER. Featuring all-new scenes of the characters in character*, especially Downey Jr.** Did I mention Werner Herzog parody? Lord knows this isn't for all tastes, but it's like porn for John Hefner. You can download it through iTunes from here for FREE, which you should do, go now.***

I've gotta say, I'm rather disappointed that TROPIC THUNDER has been met with such a mixed reception. While I do think that it didn't go as scathing as it should have gone, thereby preventing it from being a true classic, I thought there actually was a good deal of substance behind the jokes (and while there were a couple lags, I was in pain from laughing so hard in places).

For example, David Chen at SlashFilm wrote a fascinating essay about TROPIC THUNDER's themes on white cultural appropriation, thoughts which were furthermore expanded upon by everyone's favorite bastard, Devin from Reading the comments sections on both--which I don't recommend in general for anyone who likes their brain cells--indicate just how mixed the reception is, even after the excellent points Chen and Devin raise.

I had thought of it as a big film that I liked a lot, but which failed to achieve true greatness. But if the reception is so tepid and mixed, shit, maybe someday we'll look back on TROPIC THUNDER as an underappreciated gem, much the same way we do GALAXY QUEST. Or, for that matter, ZOOLANDER.

*Holy crap, but I never realized till now just how much Steve Coogan with long hair eerily resembles [ profile] slaversbane. Like, crazy so, just blonder and pastier. There's even a moment where I swear to god he looks like he's reenacting "Gotta beat my dad, gotta beat my dad, gotta fuck my mom, gotta fuck my mom, raise the kids, they're EVIL! EVIL KIDS! EVIL!"

**Makes you wonder just how much unused footage there was. Really, Downey is just hypnotic in this film, no matter what he's doing.

***Oh my god, Herzog fans, go to and read the blog aloud in Herzog voice. It's comedy gold, people.
thehefner: (Bill the Butcher: They Tuk Er Jerbs!)
Baseball, Apple Pie, and Kicking Your Fucking Ass: 21 Hilariously Hyperbolic Pro-America Songs.

That said, though, there's really only one video for me today:

Oh man. One week till Fringe. One week till the premiere of THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES: HOW HEFNERIAN.

Two weeks. Two weeks till Bloo comes to DC for the day. Two weeks till costumes and makeup and photos. Two weeks till THE DARK KNIGHT.

These next two weeks are going to be something, that's for bloody sure.


Jul. 1st, 2008 07:33 pm
thehefner: (Kids in the Hall: Tea Bag)

God, can we just have Ron Perelman go on the talk show circuit (right down to Rachel Ray's cooking show) in costume and character as Hellboy? That would make me a happy panda.

Everyone here is going to go see HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY this weekend, right?

It doesn't matter if you didn't see or didn't like the original HELLBOY. It really doesn't. By all accounts, HELLBOY II has far more in common with PAN'S LABYRINTH, with several sources hailing it as a magnificent next step for Mr. Del Toro on the way to directing THE HOBBIT. This film is supposedly nothing short of fantastic.

So go. Everyone who loves ass-kicking fantasy, everyone who gets a little moist thinking of David Bowie as the Goblin King or the entire Mos Eisley Cantina scene, go see, support, and love HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY. This film cost more than the first one made, so it needs the love and support.

Go. Friday. Go.
thehefner: (Titus Andronicus: I made you eat!)
I come bearing videos of note behind the cut. )
thehefner: (Bub and Johnny Go)
I was cackling with laughter so hard from this, I think I disturbed the tenant upstairs having her usual loud sex. I couldn't help myself. This is brilliant.

And while we're posting videos... ran an article on shows that were thankfully canceled after just one episode, and one of these shows was a little something called VIVA LAUGHLIN, featuring Hugh Jackman.

This just came out, mind you, and was already canceled, particularly after the New York Times wondered if Viva Laughlin could be "the worst show in the history of television." Then again, I'm currently pissed at the New York Times for panning BEOWULF, so there we go.

Anyway, Cracked sets up this clip by saying, "Watch this clip. If you're still not sure why it was canceled, watch it again. Just keep watching it."

Sure, maybe this wouldn't work as a real show.

But I tell you what, trade the Stones for Sinatra, and this is EXACTLY what Johnny Go sees when he closes his eyes.

September 2012

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