The Songs of Johnny Go

Why did the Green Lantern movie suck so much? The answer, according to one source, may be exactly as I feared:


One thing I feel needs mentioning: this is not Martin Campbell’s cut of the film, but the studio’s. I live in New Orleans where it was shot, I read the shooting script, all of which was painstakingly filmed with intense research, and all of that was left on the cutting room floor — a sort of combination of what happened to Daredevil and Watchmen, respectively — character development sacrificed for CG, scenes made irrelevant by removing their setup. The movie in the theater starts with an explanation of mythos that is made redundant by the more natural, scripted questions from Hal when he gets the ring. Ten minutes of childhood Hal, Carol, and Hector that sets up Hal’s first ring construct is reduced to an awkwardly placed flashback in the middle of another scene. The training with the ring is almost completely excised except for one minor scene. Most appallingly, the ending completely deletes the fact that Kilowog, Sinestro, and Toma-Re arrive at the end and help Hal defeat Parallax. Not to mention Parallax was supposed to be a 3rd act reveal after we spend the film worried about Hammond going evil, not the main villain for the entire film. I sincerely hope we get a director’s cut or at least all the deleted scenes on the video release.


Very interesting. Even if we do get a director's cut, I wonder how much of this bittersweetly-hilarious list will still hold true.

I don't know to what extent the source is to be believed, but it certainly jives with the finished product we saw on the screen. It sounds like Daredevil all over again, where a studio hacks apart of decent enough film and turns it into a franchise-kneecapping disaster unloved by audiences and critics alike. The Daredevil: Director's Cut is a far more watchable and enjoyable film, just shy of the first Spider-Man film in terms of quality, but the was already done. Put it another way, I still haven't watched the director's cut of Kingdom of Heaven, which was also hacked apart by the studio, because I just don't care enough. Who'll care enough about the director's cut of GL when it's so universally panned and has actively pissed off fandom?

I fear that the character of Hal Jordan--already one of the most controversial and LOATHED characters in fandom--will never recover from this. The only thing keeping him going will be the stubbornness of Geoff Johns and DC who refuse to believe that anyone couldn't dislike the character. It hurts a vital part of me deep inside to admit that even I no longer like Hal Jordan. Not as he is. Maybe not even as he ever actually was, but rather just the version I always WANTED him to be back when he was replaced by Kyle "Poochie Parker" Rayner. This is a very distressing thing to consider as a fan.

Looks like my only hope left for a quality GL adaptation rests entirely where I least expected it:





Much as I dislike CGI shows, I have to remind myself that Bruce Timm is producing. Maybe it won't suck. Maybe maybe maybe.

Scene: on the bed at 3am, as Henchgirl--dressed in sexy lingerie--attempts to wrest her boyfriend's attention from the Nicktoons channel

HENCHGIRL: A-hem.

ME: Mm?

HENCHGIRL: A-hemmmmm.

ME: Y'know... there's something I've been wondering for years now.

HENCHGIRL: Mmmmyyesss?

ME: How the hell does Catdog poo?

HENCHGIRL: (pause, violent lurch)

ME: Does poo? Do poo? Is it singular poo or plural poo?

HENCHGIRL: Not... not the sort of question you should be asking your nauseous girlfriend. I literally almost threw up in your lap right now.

ME: I think it's "do."

HENCHGIRL: ... How you managed to get me pregnant, I'll never know.

Fin.

Or maybe you skimmed past the entry, but today, it's worth repeating.





I've always sympathized with Daffy in those cartoons,* particularly in Canadian Fringes (even when you guys like me, which is most of the time, you're still so darn quiet!), but never so drainingly as here in Hamilton. Just one more show tomorrow evening, then I collect my pittance, choke back five Red Bulls, and high-tail it to Kalamazoo.

Up next is Kansas City, MO. Oh thank god: boisterous, loudmouthed, midwest American audiences, how we miss you!




*I was telling Henchgirl how I always used to hate Bugs in those because Daffy worked and sweated and tried, while Bugs was just effortlessly awesome. She replied, "On behalf of Bugs Bunnies everywhere, I'm so sorry."

"If a 3-D movie isn't as good in 2-D, how good, objectively, is it?"-- Roger Ebert, via Twitter.

One thing I hated about AVATAR was how obviously it was filmed for 3D to show off the technology at the expense of any actual story of worth. I feel like audiences were blown away by the effects, which might have been enough to wow me too if I hadn't already seen the NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS 3D re-release, CORALINE, UP, and BEOWULF (an okay film that was awesome in 3D, but nobody saw that).

As it was, many of the "wow" effects in AVATAR left me not just cold, and kind of a little angry too. Everyone else is marveling at the immersive effects, while to me, it feels no different than watching JAWS 3D or FRIDAY THE 13TH 3D: "Oh look, I have a YO-YO!!!" "Hey, wanna see my new PADDLE BAAAAAALLLLL?!" And those films hold up only slightly worse than BEOWULF did (and AVATAR will) in 2D, because the gimmick was such a major part of those films.

Compare that with UP. Did anyone else see Pixar's UP in both 2D and 3D? I did, and let me tell you, they're just two ways of looking at the same brilliant, beautiful film. Because Pixar has always understood the vast importance of story and character and everything else that makes truly great films underneath all the (stunning) effects and design.

The amazing thing about the 3D in UP was how totally intertwined it felt in the world. Aside from one moment, I can't recall any specific instances of the 3D effect being used in UP, because it was weaved so organically into the storytelling itself. It supported the film--much in the same way a great soundtrack does--rather than dominated it.

I'm still not sure if 3D is a game-changer that will truly be the way to keep movie theaters going or a fad gimmick (y'know, just like the all the other times they've tried 3D in movies). But all filmmakers interested in producing something other than empty spectacle should pay close attention to Pixar's example. Because I cannot wait to see this in 3D when it hits:



Toy Story 3 Trailer 2 in HD

Trailer Park Movies | MySpace Video


BTW, that's Michael Keaton voicing Ken. This makes me insanely happy. Where the hell has he been?

I feel like one of the only people to have been underwhelmed by TOY STORY 2. Time was, people were calling that the best Pixar movie ever. It was all right, but it wasn't up to par with the original. As for best ever, I'm still giving that vote to RATATOUILLE, followed by UP, followed by a clusterfuck three-way tie of WALL*E, FINDING NEMO, and THE INCREDIBLES.

Speaking as...

1.) a comic geek, with a healthy fondness for Silver Age crackiness

2.) a lover of a certain brand of classic cartoons

and 3.) a fan of PEE-WEE'S PLAYHOUSE back in the day

There are no words to describe the giddy delight aglow within me after watching this:



Yes, that's Paul Rubens as Bat-Mite doing a Dick-Sprang-flavored homage of THE GREAT PIGGY-BANK ROBBERY from an episode of BATMAN: THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD written by the modern master of Batman, the incomparable Paul Dini.

Let all that sink in your brain for a sec, lest your eyeballs to explode from an overdose of awesome.

You can watch the entire episode here, which I wholeheartedly recommend you do, but in case you need further persuading (really? You do? After all that?!), here's another magnificent highlight:



So much to love: Dini!Harley with Timm!Joker, alongside a Hank Venture's "The Bat" and a Kevin-Smith-based snotty Batman fan voicing concerns that even I foolishly shared once upon a time.

Between the almost-sacred status the 90's BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES has achieved in our eyes and the piece of crap that was the recent THE BATMAN cartoon, I too was hesitant about seeing a kid-friendly Batman cartoon. Well, not so much hesitant and apathetic. It clearly wasn't meant for *me*, so whatever.

Then leiacat started getting me to check out a couple episodes, as she was watching it but needed help with getting the references. And that's when I started to realize, holy shit, there are TONS of references. This show is downright riddled with classic DC geekery and goodness from every single era, almost more so than even B:TAS ever had! And when it's good, dear lord but it's fun, and frankly, we NEED more fun in DC Comics these days!

While the show's quality is on and off, with some less-stellar episodes out there that really do reflect the kiddie nature of the show, it's the episodes like the Green Lantern Corps team-up with Guy Gardner, G'Nort, and Sinestro, written by J.M. DeMatteis (!!!) and now this Bat-Mite episode...

Man, all we need now is to have Paul Rubens' Bat-Mite team up with Gilbert Gottfried's Mr. Mxyzptlk and have them adapt WORLD'S FUNNEST. But alas, I don't know if the world would ever be able to handle such a thing. It'd be like challenging Cthulhu to a staring contest, but in a good way.

Y'know what? I think BATMAN: MASK OF THE PHANTASM is (still) the best Batman movie of all time.

I watched it about a year ago, the first time I'd seen it in five years at least, as research for the Harvey Dent novel (I have a scene where Harvey and Gilda break into the dilapidated ruins of the Gotham World's Fair). In truth, I was only half-watching, half-tinkering on my laptop, taking notes and chatting with the likes of mirthical and angrylemur. I thought it was still good, nothing brilliant but still solid.

But now, three months after THE DARK KNIGHT, I just happened to catch it on HBO. The second half, anyway. I specifically caught the scenes where young Bruce was being torn between avenging his parents or settling down with Andrea Beaumont, the love of his life. I got to the scene where Bruce stands before his parent's graves, talking to the headstone and breaking down, and for the first time, the power of that scene just hit me.



"I didn't count on being happy." Maybe I'm just tired and vulnerable at the moment, but Jesus.

And I realized that only BATMAN BEGINS got close to really examining Bruce as a human being in this way, tearing him open and truly showing his conflicted character on the verge of (or well into) madness. More than any other film, this is what really got into the heart of Bruce Wayne, far beyond mere angst and brooding.

Because in THE DARK KNIGHT, he's a completely flat character. I didn't think about it until recently, but now I wonder why more people aren't discussing just how flat and superficial Batman was as a character. That movie was all the Joker and Harvey's show (albeit with the latter getting dicked over and turned into a tool). His crisis of faith felt rushed and unconvincing, a sub-"I am Spider-Man... no more!" moment that had little meaning save for what Harvey did in response. After that one moment of tears, he barely seemed to regard Rachel's death in any form. He was more a walking metaphor than anything.

You know what I wish? I wish his Batman voice had something more than two modes: growly and snarly. I wish when Harvey shouted out, "You don't understand what I've lost!" Batman's voice would have shown actual pain and emotion when he said, "You're wrong."

Fuck, if we were to seriously borrow from SPIDER-MAN 2, I wish Batman ripped off his mask to show Harvey that yes, yes he gets it! He's been there! Fuck, he's there RIGHT NOW! Because if anything might have cut through the madness of Two-Face to find Harvey, that would have been a moment. I mean, why not, they were just gonna kill Harvey off anyway. Sure, Gordon would have known, but Gordon almost certainly knows anyway in the comics. Of course, there's his family too... but hell, ignore that, it's a great idea nonetheless. Heck, handled well, it could have led Harvey to get up the guts to commit suicide directly rather than indirectly. Would have been more powerful than "death by ledge," a death caused by Batman.

And I don't care if it was in self-defense or an accident. Batman caused the death of somebody. Directly or indirectly, he broke that one rule, just like the Joker wanted him to. I'm not saying they shouldn't have done that, but they *needed* to have addressed this. It would have cut right to the core of Batman, when he realizes the true cost of his soul. I mean, does Batman lose anything by taking the blame and becoming hunted? It's not like he was beloved in the first place. It's not like he's uncomfortable with this situation. This is a guy who'd prefer to beat the shit out of cops and throw them off a building rather than actually tell them, "Oh, you might not wanna shoot the clowns, they're really the hostages! Just, y'know, FYI!"

THE DARK KNIGHT may be a good film. Even a great film. Even one of the best superhero movies of all time. But while it's better than any of the Burton/Schumacher films, it still falls behind BATMAN BEGINS and especially BATMAN: THE MASK OF THE PHANTASM as the best Batman film.

Sorry to go on a rant there. I came not to bury TDK, but to praise B:MotP. Sure, the animation is a little rough by today's standards, or even 1993 standards, but they did the best they could with the limited budget (most of the cash it looks like they blew on the opening credits). But if you go by story and vocal performances alone, which I consider more important, it's the truer, more emotionally powerful film about the tragedy of Batman.

Also, it's probably the scariest (made all the more so by how funny he often is) Joker performance of Mark Hamill's illustrious career. As with several parts throughout the film, it's downright disturbing.



Of course, I speak as one whose entire outlook on Batman was pretty well formed by BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES. Those voices are the ones I still hear when I read the comics, the ones I keep in mind when I try to distinguish characters' dialogue in my Harvey Dent novel. To this day, I still consider the depictions in B: TAS to be the gold standard of Gotham's denizens (right down to the themes; god, what I'd give for recordings of the characters' leitmotifs!), the perfectly refined distillations of 50+ years of comics. So I'm certainly biased. And maybe when I finally rewatch B:MotP from the beginning, really watch it rather than be distracted, I'll reevaluate my opinion.

But for now, there you go. BATMAN: THE MAS OF THE PHANTASM. Still the best Batman movie made so far. Give it a rent, or watch the whole thing broken up on YouTube.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone have put every SOUTH PARK episode on-line for free.

Twelve seasons and still going strong. This show should have fizzled out around season two, yet somehow, they actually got better and better. Whereas the five-times-more-popular FAMILY GUY quickly became a retread of itself, and THE SIMPSONS has but the rare excellent gem amid its current seasons of mediocrity, SOUTH PARK is still goddamn brilliant. I was starting to get concerned this season, though. The first two episodes had been kinda weak. But then this week's episode aired, and... oh sweet lord, we were dying over here.

So for those looking to catch up on SOUTH PARK, might I humbly suggest trying the following episodes...

Season 5: "Scott Tenorman Must Die"

Season 7: "Fat Butt and Pancake Head," AKA "Jennifer Lopez."

Season 8: "Good Times with Weapons," (if I were a monster, I'd suggest "Woodland Critter Christmas")

Season 10: "Make Love Not Warcraft."

There are so many others, but those just pop out at me as must-sees.

If you haven't seen this week's, "Major Boobage," a stellar homage of 1981's HEAVY METAL, oh dear lord do. It actually made me want to watch HEAVY METAL again, which is saying something. I think that film is one of the classic examples of "You had to be there."

Some of the best American satire being produced today. Even if it's not for all tastes (but then, what satire is?)

You know what today needs? More Ub Iwerks' dancing skeletons.





Now if I can just get clips of both of those edited into a music video of Oingo Boingo's "No One Lives Forever," all will be well with the world.