thehefner: (Grindhouse: Reel Missing (PT))
My mother caught the middle of THE TRANSPORTER 2 on TV yesterday, and had to call me up to tell me how she was transfixed by this piece of glorious trash. So between that, and in celebration of CRANK 2: THE CRANKENING opening today, I present the following essay for your edification.




GAY-THAM FOR STATHAM

By Patton Oswalt



Jason Statham has never been in a great movie.

He's also never been in a boring one.

Statham's imdb.com profile, collectively, is a promise to you, the weary filmgoer. It's a promise that says, "I promise that you will not FOR ONE SECOND be bored during one of my movies. You won't learn shit about the human condition, or feel a collective connection with the brotherhood of man. But if you give me $10, I will fuck an explosion while a Slayer song plays".

I just watched CRANK on Showtime, and I can't understand how I missed this when it was in theaters.

I'm buying THE BANK JOB and DEATHRACE on iTunes today. After CRANK, Mr. Statham can count on my $10 every time he makes a movie. If someone figures out how to make a movie for $8, and it stars Jason Statham, then they're guaranteed a $2 profit.

I look forward to any new film by Ang Lee, David Gordon Green, Paul Thomas Anderson, The Coen Brothers, Paul Greengrass or Ross McElwee.

And now, Jason Statham. I don't know how much say he has in the films he makes. But I get the impression that he reads the scripts. And if the script doesn't make him want to drive a bulldozer through a cake store, I'll bet he punches the script through a wall.

In fact, my entire stack of Academy screeners would have been vastly improved by the addition of Jason Statham. Here we go:

CHANGELING: Jason Statham plays the kidnapped boy, who immediately beats his kidnappers to death, then fights female assassins on top of a blimp.

CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON: Jason Statham injects the backward-aging man-freak with a Sino/Chilean rage compound, and they fight in lava pit.

DEFIANCE: Jason Statham throws Hitler into a woodchipper, eats the entrails as they fly out the other end, and then shits out Winston Churchill.

DOUBT: Jason Statham drop-kicks the Pope through the core of the Earth, and the Pope's head goes up Meryl Streep's ass and then Motorhead's "The Ace of Spades" plays.

FROST/NIXON: Jason Statham pulls off David Frost's skin, drops him into a tank of sea salt, and then Statham and Nixon rent a limo and drive across country, shotgunning hippies.

GRAN TORINO: Jason Statham glowers at Clint Eastwood, who glowers back, creating a Glower Vortex which destroys the planet.

THE READER: Statham kills the teenage kid with a lawnmower, then fucks Kate Winslet literate.

REVOLUTIONARY ROAD: Jason Statham drives an 18-wheeler full of nitro into the title suburb, blows everything to shit, and then spends 90 minutes hunting down absolutely everyone involved with the making of this film, beating them to death with TV trays.

THE WRESTLER: Jason Statham, Richard Nixon, the 'roided-out Benjamin Button murder-freak, the Churchill feces-baby and Mickey Rourke drive cross country in a limo, with Leo DiCaprio's severed head on the hood, where they crash the Spirit Awards and kill everyone.


There you go. Statham! Full disclosure: I saw Jason Statham eating a salad at Joan's on 3rd, here in L.A. Really, I did. I wanted to say hello, but he seemed like he could chuck an arugula leaf through my skull.

Do yourselves a favor, Academy voters. CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE comes out April 19th. On April 20th, rescind all the voting categories. There should be one statue given out next year -- a 45-foot, sentient Oscar kill-bot, which Jason Statham will fight to the death at the next ceremony.



Statham! Yell it when you're fucking!
thehefner: (Donald Sutherland: J'ACCUSE!)
Don Rosa's masterful graphic novel THE LIFE AND TIMES OF SCROOGE MCDUCK is out of print?!

What. Is. This. FUCKERY.

Just as we'd managed to get it selected for [livejournal.com profile] noscans_daily's burgeoning book club (and some people are STILL understandably hesitant; how the hell could a book about Disney ducks actually be this good? Trust me, it really, really is) I discover that the only way anyone can get it is to pay $80+ for a used copy. I wrote to my boss at Big Planet Comics, and he informed me that Gemstone (the publisher) still owes their printer $373,000 (!!!).

One of the greatest graphic novels I have ever read (no, really), and it's out of print. Any hope I had to analyze this masterful epic with the noscans folks is seemingly on hold indefinitely.

Hell damn crap fart.




On the plus side, after it being taken down for a few months, someone's finally put THE STEPFATHER (featuring an Oscar-worthy performance by Terry "John Locke" O'-Motherfuckin'-Quinn) back on YouTube!



Watch it until it gets yanked, and/or pray that they finally put it out on DVD to coincide with the ill-advised remake starring the guy from NIP/TUCK! The non-Dr. Doom one! Sigh.
thehefner: (Hamlet: Damn I'm Interesting)
I have been interviewed by the great [livejournal.com profile] bagelofdeath. Let's see what she has to ask:


1) What do you consider your greatest accomplishment?

I think it'd have to be the road trip (but if I survive my summer tour this year, that'll be to new winner). Someday, I'm gonna continue my road trip photo posts, and even throw in a video or two. Right now, I still need some time to decompress.

Someday, I hope to answer that question with "getting my Harvey Dent novel published by DC Comics."



2) What is the strangest food you really and truly enjoy?

Peanut butter and Miracle Whip sandwiches. Don't judge me until you've tried it. Which you never will, and will judge me anyway. It's a family tradition, started by my grandmother (not surprising from the woman who'd eat a bucket of sweetened Crisco), carried on by Mom. I don't know what to tell you people, but it works. Although these days, I don't do the full sandwich thing anymore, instead making PB&MW mini-sandwiches with saltines for a quick snack.

Really, maybe I should have just said "pineapple and sausage pizza," but that would have been boring.



3) If you could have any job in the world, what would it be? Do you think you have a good chance of doing this job one day?

A solo performer. By which I mean, a relatively-famous and prestigious solo performer with enough income to live comfortably (and also afford things like marketing, an agent, etc). I think I do have a good chance of attaining that some day, but I do worry that I'm not doing everything I could to get there. But so far, I've never felt anything quite so fulfilling as writing and performing my own work, and I want to keep doing it as long as possible. Or at least, unless the 2009 tour breaks my spirit entirely.

Ideally, I'd want John C. Reilly's life, where I could do my own thing, plus act on stage, in arthouse movies and frat comedies, and even show up in sketch comedy and animation.



4) Cast your ultimate Batman movie, knowing you cannot cast the same people in the same roles they've already played. So Liam Neeson COULD NOT be in your movie as Ra's Al Ghul, but could be Rachel Dawes. And your ideal Batman movie can be your novel IF--and only if--it includes all the villains. Basically I'm asking you to cast everybody in Batman. But in a roundabout way. SO DO IT.

Harvey Dent: Hugh Jackman
Gilda Lamont-Dent: Rachel Weisz
Bruce Wayne/Batman: Daniel Day-Lewis (with some of that Benjamin Button youthifizing CGI)
Lieutenant/Captain/Commissioner James Gordon: Josh Brolin
Christopher “Double-Down” Dent: Harry Dean Stanton
Vincent “The Boss” Moroni: Ray Liotta
Carmine “The Roman” Falcone: Robert De Niro
Carl Grissom: Al Pacino
Rupert Thorne: Paul Sorvino
Adrian Fields: Leland Orser
Dr. Rudolph Klemper: Sir Derek Jacobi
Dr. Hugo Strange: Sir Ben Kingsley
Jack Ryder: Stephen Colbert
Alfred Pennyworth: Hugh Laurie
Mayor Hamilton Hill: Scott Wilson
Detective Harvey Bullock: Brendan Gleeson
Detective Renee Montoya: Michelle Rodriguez
Willis Todd: Jason Lee
Butch Montrose: Ethan Suplee
Micky “Mad Dog” Pike: Nicky Katt
The Joker: Brad Dourif (with makeup and BB-CGI)
Oswald Cobblepot/The Penguin: Kelsey Grammer (with the help of John Rhys-Davies' people from LORD OF THE RINGS)
Edward Nigma/The Riddler: Matt Frewer (BB-CGI)
Jonathan Crane/The Scarecrow: Jeremy Davies
Selina Kyle/Catwoman: Rosario Dawson
Harleen Quinzel/Harley Quinn: Isla Fisher
Pamela Isley/Poison Ivy: Cate Blanchett
Victor Fries/Mr. Freeze: Clive Owen
Jervis Tetch/Mad Hatter: David Tennant
Waylon Jones/Killer Croc: Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje
Ra’s al Ghul: Naveen Andrews

My apologies if I've horrified you by miscasting your favorite character. I don't entirely stand by all of these, so if you have any suggestions, let me know.



5) What item do you covet more than anything right now?

Honestly, this sounds strange, but for right now... I think I'm gonna have to go with that Gilda Dent drawing.
thehefner: (Twin Peaks: O HAHAHA)
Coming in late to the McGoohan mourning, but at least I come bearing goodies. First:

Patrick McGoohan: Son of a Bitch--an astute analysis as to the awesome prickitude of this great character actor. Now I definitely need to see DR. SYN, ALIAS THE SCARECROW if I can track down a copy. It's on DVD, yet Netflix does not yet seem to carry it! What the crap?

In related business, courtesy of another great misanthropic bastard, [livejournal.com profile] evandorkin:



Furthermore, anyone remember the 90's-tastic show REBOOT? I could never stand to watch it as a kid, but now I'm starting to realize that amid the terrible early CGI there were bits like... well, I can't help but admire any kids show that would do a whole episode of this:



As I only recently watched THE PRISONER from start to finish, I think that REBOOT clip helped finally wipe away any residual "what the FUCK?!" bitterness that held over from watching the last episode. See also, my initial reaction of the final TWIN PEAKS episode, which I now bloody love.
thehefner: (Harrumph)
So as I said before, I wanted to do my usual list of "Heffie's Top Ten Films of 2008," but then I realized that I hadn't even seen ten! Well, actually, I'd seen eleven, but three of them I didn't love, and two of them I didn't feel entirely comfortable rating objectively in a "Best Of" list.

But as of last night, I managed to catch one of the two-and-a-half-dozen supposedly-great films I missed this year, and thus am able to round out my list. I've decided to break it up into three parts, the first comprised of entries #10 through #6, each of which were troublesome enough in their ways to warrant discussion.

So without further ado, let's start counting them down, and let the grumbling begin! )
thehefner: (Batman: Freeze's Lament)
I had thought to have been a lot further along by now, especially considering how little I saw yesterday after leaving L.A, but if today's any indication, it's gonna take me a full week to make it up to Seattle. Then again, I have to wonder how many other things I'll see along the way on par with the time-consuming nature of Hearst Castle and Big Sur.

I may have to skip Napa Valley, which is probably for the best. Even if I could rest to sober up for the night, I've learned that I shouldn't drink anything if I'm driving the next day, as even a single beer can hamper the next day's ability to wake up energetic at 7am. And really, spitting out wine? What an expensive day-long cocktease.

I imagine I'll be spending the majority of tomorrow in San Francisco (hint hint, [livejournal.com profile] kali921! Don't leave me hangin'!). Seeing the Winchester House is a priority, as is finding a comic shop. Need to see how the hell this abortion known as BATMAN R.I.P. wraps up.

Which reminds me, the news just broke that the Paul-Dini-scripted BATMAN: ARKHAM ASYLUM video game (in the style of SILENT HILL horror survival games) will feature Kevin Conroy as Batman and Mark Hamill as the Joker! FUCK YES YES YES!!!!

Meanwhile, on [livejournal.com profile] scans_daily, a noted asshat had to be "that guy" and sniffed (or at least, I imagine he sniffed) "Mark Hamill and Kevin Conroy are good actors, but they are not the Gods fanboys make them out to be. Nor is Paul Dini a god." In a rare moment of snark (for I loathe to be snarked and to be snarky alike), I simply replied, "We have some lovely parting gifts for you."

I mean, clearly they're not gods. But dude, get over yourself. No one likes a contentious snob, especially not one against something so universally respected and beloved. Meantime, you show me someone who can do a more pitch-perfect job than those three respectively, and let's get them hired pronto, because dear lord, we need more people of the caliber of Dini, Conroy, and Hamill.


Oh, and I am officially accepted into the Orlando Fringe Festivals. With NYC, Montreal, Winnipeg, Indianapolis, and Vancouver, that makes six for 2009. Am I seriously mad enough to go for seven with Minneapolis, because I keep hearing that it's so goddamn awesome that it's a must-do?
thehefner: (Fountain: Death is the Road to Awe)
I cannot wait to see this movie, and am incredibly jealous that [livejournal.com profile] fishymcb will be getting to early, with Darren Aronofsky there for a Q&A.

Has it been officially said anywhere that this story is inspired by Jake "The Snake" Roberts? Because it looks like BEYOND THE MAT brought to life, a powerful film that, halfway through, stops being about wrestling and becomes three powerful portraits of artists addicted to their art, with Roberts' story being the most devastating. Combine that with the meta-level of how it reflects Rourke's life, and I already want to give him Best Actor for that trailer alone.

That said, I'm disappointed but unsurprised to see the trailer not say "By the director of THE FOUNTAIN" (to its credit, nor does it mention the REQUIEM FOR A DREAM). I can at least take comfort that these days I only find one person who hates that film for every three that love it.
thehefner: (Ghostbusters: Ray w/ Cigarette)
This has been making the rounds on the internets--people asking "Is this for real?" "Has Dan Aykroyd gone completely mad?" "Is this viral marketing for GHOSTBUSTERS 3?" "No, seriously, has he gone fucking crazy?"--but so far, I've yet to see it on LJ.

Let's rectify that.



I showed this to [livejournal.com profile] fiveseconddelay, expecting him at any point to go, "Okay, I've seen enough" and indicate that he was finished humoring me. Instead, as I did when I first saw it, he just watched all the way to the end. He said, "It's like... you keep waiting for the punchline. It keeps you enthralled, and you keep waiting for the joke and it... never comes. And now I want a bottle."

And yes, it's real. On Halloween, John Hodgman performed the noble task of conducting a personal taste test. You're a god among men, Hodg-Man.



Crazy or not, I too want a bottle. You've sold me, Ray.
thehefner: (Harrumph)
I've discovered a new cliche, for which I need help coming up with a name. It's that subplot character in thrillers, the one for whom a whole major chunk of the story is dedicated to tracking down the killer (and thereby saving the terrorized victim), until the character finally encounters the villain... and is promptly dispatched.

He's a potential deus ex machina/white knight character coming in to save the day, but then is suddenly killed off, thereby leaving it in the hands of the victim to fight back. It makes perfect sense from a storytelling perspective, but it can feel mightily anticlimactic after a good 1/4 of the story has been dedicated to this character's building subplot.

I think Martin Balsam in PSYCHO set the foundation, then it was most famously depicted by Scatman Crothers in THE SHINING. Then there's Richard Farnsworth in MISERY, who was virtually the exact same character as depicted by Blu Mankuma in INTENSITY.

But I didn't realize what a cliche this was until I saw THE STEPFATHER.

And by the way, let me just say, holy shit what a great movie. I mean, it's not a great movie on its own, the plot and storyline is like a stabbier version of some ill-fated made-for-Lifetime/Court-TV joint venture.

But then there's Terry O'Quinn. Yes, John Locke himself.

I'd heard about O'Quinn's supposedly-legendary movie-elevating performance, but thanks to someone uploading the entire film on YouTube, I finally saw it for myself.

Fans of LOST and thrillers, if you have an hour and a half to put aside, I wholeheartedly urge you to check this out.

THE STEPFATHER (1987), starring Terry O'Quinn, in nine parts:



The film's cleverness stems from immediately showing us what a monstrous psycho this guy is right from the outset, so the tension doesn't come from "is there something wrong with this guy?" build-up. Even then, the movie could just have been Terry O'Quinn being menacing and creepy, which is what many an actor would have done, and that'd have been passable enough. But between the story and O'Quinn's performance, "Jerry" slowly unfolds into a fully fleshed-out, three-dimensional character.

The pivotal scene of the whole film, for me, is also the least "horrific" one. Between bouts of suspenseful crazy, a pissed-off Stepfather walks down the street, ruminating on how his current family is "disappointing" him like all the rest, when this happens:



I'm not sure how well it holds up out of context, but it's that classic trick of great cinematic storytelling: saying everything without saying anything. If someone ever does a list of great performances that single-handedly elevate not-great movies*, Terry O'Quinn deserves prominent inclusion. I am not exaggerating when I say that his performance here is on par with Anthony Perkins in PSYCHO.**

Y'know, it seems that there are some people who don't like to see villains be humanized. I hear it a lot from certain right-wingers, the ones who say that America needs to fight "evildoers," and how liberals can't accept the fact that truly evil people exist. Similarly, there are people who don't want to ever see Hitler depicted as anything other than a raving supervillain. Hell, there are people who hated it when DC gave the Joker a sympathetic origin. One person remarked, "I don't wanna feel bad for the Joker when he's getting beaten up by Batman." I can't speak for the real world, but at least for storytelling, I think these people miss the point. Or then again, maybe they get it, they just don't want to get it.

It's safer and comforting to just write off the monsters and just that, monsters, inhuman, not like us at all. By making our monsters human, they become even more disturbing, as Terry O'Quinn's performance proved so well. Particularly in the scene where he encounters the cliched character. The tone of recognition when he sees the character is pitch-perfect for the folksy mask that Jerry has so carefully cultivated. In any other hands, it'd be campy. In his, it's chilling because of how genuinely friendly it seems.

Erm, sorry to spoil that tidbit. You should still watch THE STEPFATHER anyway. You may never look at John Locke the same way again.



*See also: Daniel Day-Lewis in GANGS OF NEW YORK, Johnny Depp in PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN, and John C. McGinley in INTENSITY. Any other suggestions?

**And PSYCHO II, a wonderful and deeply-underappreciated film. Quentin Tarantino vastly prefers PSYCHO II to the original. He's wrong, but not by much.
thehefner: (Darkplace: More Things to Say)
Oh, also: I keep hearing people wondering, "How are they possibly going to top this?" I was wondering it to--and putting aside [livejournal.com profile] dryponder's compelling arguments as to how introducing Robin would fit into the Nolanverse--as of right now, there's only one major response:

THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS.

It would be a bold move, if only because you'd either have to recast the bulk of the stars or seriously step up with convincing old age makeup effects. Also, they'd need to keep the newly-movie-giddy Frank Miller from being a bit too involved, if you know what I mean. But with WATCHMEN coming out, and on the virtual heels of THE DARK KNIGHT, it strikes me as not only logical, but essential.

Also, get Brad Dourif. He's the only actor I can possibly imagine up to the task of playing old Joker. He could take what Heath did and run with it, I have absolutely zero doubt in my mind. He is that good.

Short of that, I have no idea what they could possibly bring next. But I look forward to it.
thehefner: (Harvey Dent: Scream)
I officially adore Eric Roberts as Sal Vincent MaMoroni.

These Gotham Cable News segments have been totally fun, although every single one of these actors needs to stop with the Shatner-like dramatic pauses. It breaks the authenticity.

But as for Roberts, he looks like he's totally having a good time, and it's rather infectious. He's the perfect counterpoint to Tom Wilkinson's snarling pit bull Carmine Falcone: a smug, self-assured, charming sleazebag, and god damn if I don't love the Guido accent to boot. Depending on how the film goes, I might just have to rework my Harvey Dent novel version of the character around Robert's performance.

I've gotta say, I hope the trailer is misleading (in the sense of the scene from my icon here). I hope we actually do get Moroni's day in court, if you know what I mean.
thehefner: (Bill the Butcher: Reflective)
The great Don S. Davis...



... Major Garland Briggs from TWIN PEAKS, Major General George Hammond on STARGATE SG-1, and Scully's father Captain William Scully on THE X-FILES, among many, many other film and television projects befitting one of the great character actors of my generation... has passed away at age 65.

I wish I had a way of ripping videos off DVD to put them on YouTube. If I could, the first thing I'd post would be the little interview conducted with Mr. Davis a couple years ago for a short "where are they now?" type segment on the TWIN PEAKS Season One DVD. Most of the cast did one of these, and most were marginally interesting little trifles, a couple minutes of an anecdote or two, but generally forgettable.

Don S. Davis' one, on the other hand, was about fifteen minutes long, following him through his house as he shows us his beloved black lab, his office area, his garage where he would carve wooden sculptures and decoys, and upstairs to his studio for a look at his art. During the course of this "postcard," as it's called on the DVD, we get a subtle inside glimpse into the heavy heart and soul of this soft-spoken, laconic man, and the result is--for me--one of the most moving little bits in my entire DVD collection.
thehefner: (Batman: Two Face Lightning)
Oh rock, Brad Dourif was on LAW AND ORDER tonight (thanks for the heads-up, [livejournal.com profile] gnort!

The script itself was a bit dubious, but Dourif was excellent as always. I found myself cheering when the single tear rolled down his face. I realized that's kind of his trademark; really intense acting with a single tear shed in one or both eyes. He did it in ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, he did it in EXORCIST III, he did in it in the excellent X-Files episode "Beyond the Sea," he did it in LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS as Wormtongue, and I'm fairly certain he did it in BABYLON 5. I wonder if Chucky the killer doll ever cried?

If he were more famous, we'd totally have "Brad Dourif tears" montages on YouTube. Any other instances come to mind, Dourif fans?

God, can someone please make THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS movie already so Dourif can play elderly Joker? Especially after what Heath Ledger seems to be doing, Brad Dourif would be absolutely fucking chilling. "Batman. Darling."

But who'd be old Batman? Mickey Rourke? And what about bald Harvey Dent? In any case, I call Sam Elliot for Jim Gordon!



Speaking of Harvey Dent and awesome character actors, I recently have added a new level of pipe dream to my Harvey Dent novel saga.

It seems that Richard Moll (Bull from NIGHT COURT and voice of Harvey/Two-Face on BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES) pretty much works for scale these days, doing low budget movies, short films, and web shows. I'm assuming it's a personal choice on his part, but then again, I wonder how many roles there are for a huge guy like him?

Well, in either case... it got me thinking that maybe, a few years down the line when I've edited the thing to a place of satisfaction... mayhaps I could get Richard Moll to perform the Harvey Dent novel on tape.

(Yes, yes, [livejournal.com profile] bloo_mountain, I'll track down Mark Hamill and try to get him to do a cameo as well; at that point, shit, why don't I just go and get Bob Hastings and Kevin Conroy to play Jim and Bruce and I can just relive my entire childhood. I'm cool with that.)

Whether or not I can ever get DC to publish the Harvey Dent novel, the thought of Richard Moll performing the entire book from Harvey's perspective(s)... I don't care if it's fanboy wankery, it gives me chills.

Hey, if some film school brat can get Adam West, Mark Hamill, Courtney Thorne Smith, and Dick Van Dyke to voice a short animated Batman film, and if [livejournal.com profile] entropicalia can hire the lead singer of the Verve Pipe to come perform at her home, why the hell not?
thehefner: (Curse you Richards Kitty!)
Goddamnit. I shouldn't have read the book of FIRST BLOOD before seeing the movie version. )

Ever have that experience, where you can't separate the book from the film, even when the film is actually pretty good in its own right? That you could really enjoy the movie if you hadn't read the book first? I sometimes wonder if that's the way I should have handled V FOR VENDETTA.

Man, I dunno why I should get worked up over this. It's bloody Rambo, for god's sake. I'm gonna go read more POPEYE, that'll chill me out.
thehefner: (Doc Ock)
GHOSTBUSTERS III is finally happening.

As a video game.

...

Now, bear in mind, last we heard, Aykroyd was saying it was gonna be a CGI film. Which was a "... huh" prospect in of itself. So I can see the logical progression of how it got to this point.

And it's still going to be fully scripted by Aykroyd and Ramis. To which many will instantly go, "Psh, yeah, they wrote GHOSTBUSTERS. But you know what else they wrote? GHOSTBUSTERS II." To which I can only eloquently respond, fuck you, GHOSTBUSTERS II was great.

But what really concerns me about a GHOSTBUSTERS video game is that... well, [livejournal.com profile] themadhatter26, just what is the success rate for franchise-based video games? This one could have a brilliant script, but with games, there are so many other factors to consider. My immediate reaction is unhappy doubtful pessimism. Aykroyd and Ramis are claiming to be involved in this game far more intimately than most other non-game creators in their franchise games. But will that help the gameplay at all? Of course not.

Don't get me wrong. Before Bill the Butcher, Harvey Dent, Hal Jordan, and Otto Octavius, my first childhood love and obsession was GHOSTBUSTERS. Particularly Egon, for some reason. I still have the firehouse playset, and will not be throwing it out. I want this to rock my socks.

And yet, regardless of all this, there's one thing this game will have that is cause for great celebration. And it's not just the fact that Aykroyd, Ramis, Murray (hopefully not phoning it in), Annie Potts, and MAN-GOD ERNIE FUCKING HUDSON are reuniting to do their voices. That's all squee-inducing and marvelous, yes. But one name rises above them all. A name still whispered in the darkest corners of the 1980's:

WILLIAM. "BITCHES." ATHERTON.

Yes, this hearlds the glorious return--if only in voice and CGI likeness--of the only man to beat Joe "CHOKE ON 'EM" Pilato for the title of Greatest Dick In Genre Cinema for his immortal roles in DIE HARD, REAL GENIUS, and, of course, GHOSTBUSTERS (as Peck, but more commonly know as "Pencil Neck" and "Dickless"; I've since just called "Pencil Dick," and everyone immediately know who I'm talking about, hehehe).

This game now has an obligation to Zuul him/herself NOT to suck.

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