The Songs of Johnny Go

Henchgirl is currently composing a post detailing every step of the fiasco that is our current road trip. It's going to be epic. It'll take you an hour or so to read, but trust me, it'll be worth it.

I never mentioned that we got a Winnebago, a Minnie Winnie to be exact. Before we left DC for Fresno two weeks ago, I'd planned to give the RV a grand introduction right here on LJ, along with a full description of how she's the ideal long-term investment for traveling performers like us. Just think of all the money we'd save on motels and restaurants, and what a perfect way to transport a child and someone else to help with baby and/or show needs! The RV was Mom's idea, as she wants to use it as well, but Henchgirl and I were both totally behind this investment. Everything about it seemed perfect.

Do I really need to cue the maniacal laughter at this point? Insane, desperate cackling was implied by that lead-in, right? Either way, just wait until she's finished the post. We might actually have a new show in the works from this trip alone, but so far, it's not so much a story as much as a series of unfortunate events... and punishing windstorms... and sideways snowstorms... and wanton property damage... and carbon monoxide. Yes, that too. And we're not even halfway through this trip.

To think, I've almost forgotten that my first performance of The Road to Nowhere is tonight! Be sure to check out www.johnhefner.com for local CBS news coverage of the festival, featuring a special cameo appearance of my blue bowler derby. Also, Henchgirl's posted screenshots of my latest interview with Chuck Leonard. I love how she's totally on top of things even now.

I should be rehearsing. Instead, I'm just going to focus on breathing. I never knew that could be a luxury until this trip.

YAY ADVENTURRRRRRRE.

Did I mention we went to Disney World? Because we totally went to Disney World. Also Epcot, which I'm still amazed to discover that I loved. If I ever get a few hundred bucks to blow, I'm going to eat from every single country, get blitzed out of my brain, and buy tea from all around the world. I bet I can do it while still being less obnoxious than most of the Americans who go there. God, I can only imagine the stories Epcot workers must have about dealing with idiotic Americans.

Disney World was wonderful too, especially Mickey's PhilharMagic (a model for what all 3D cinema should be, which also singlehandedly reminded me why I love Donald Duck) and the Haunted Mansion. Dear god, did I love the Haunted Mansion. It was like an EC Comic brought to life. We were seated in such a way that the cheap BOO! scares came too early to affect us, so we were just taking in the glorious creepiness of it all.

Henchgirl demanded that we ride It's a Small World. Twice. In all honestly, the second time was much better, partially because we were virtually alone that time (the line was SO HUGE before. Is the ride still that popular, or is it riding on pure infamy at this point?), and Henchgirl converted me to appreciation of the sheer technical expertise of the ride. View it as a technical marvel and a living storybook from the 50's, and--dare I say it--It's a Small World is rather cool.




"Always agree."


Really, the Disney experience was only marred by a thunderstorm and... and whatever the hell it was they did to the Tiki Room. Dear god, what the hell did they do to the Tiki Room? I may never be able to love Gilbert Gottfried again. Ever. Do you know how much that tears me up inside?

The only thing I enjoyed about the updated Tiki Room was the introduction by two parrots voiced by Don Rickles and Phil Hartman, whom I seriously thought was Billy West doing his Zap Brannigan voice until I looked it up on Wikipedia. Here I thought West's voice was just a pale imitation of Hartman's. That's awesome, even it's a sad reminder of Hartman.



~~~~HEY, COMPLETELY RANDOM TANGENT TIME BECAUSE I HAVE COFFEE IN ME WHEEEEEEE~~~

Best interview I've read recently: the AV Club feature where Jon Lovitz discusses random roles he's played over the years. That might not sound like the most interesting thing in the world, but it was surprisingly entertaining, revealing, and thoughtful. I've always loved Lovitz as a performer, but now I think I love him as a person.

Highlights include revelations that The Critic was inexplicably canceled at the height of its popularity, the fact that Dan Aykroyd is basically the nicest guy ever, the main creative reason why SNL was sucked for the past fifteen-plus years (story structure? What the hell's that?), and--most poignantly--what he has to say about filling in Hartman's shoes in Newsradio. I've never read any other interview where the interviewee said more by saying so little.

Still, I'm sad that we couldn't hear his first-hand recounting of the time he beat the shit out of Andy Dick. He's the better man for not talking about it, but let's face it, that's a story worth hearing.



Oh, and while I posted this to about_faces, I figured there were several folks here who might appreciate this:





This is definitely one of those jokes for a select audience. Personally, as a Mac owner and a Two-Face obsessive, I'm very disappointed in myself that I hadn't thought of that sooner every time I looked down at the dock. Maybe that's just an encouraging indication that I'm not as much of a dork as I feared. Yeah, let's go with that.

$325 later, I have a passport, and am successfully in Hamilton, Ontario, one of the oddest damn towns I've ever seen.

The twisty rolling ribbons of roads in this suburb feel like the streets were designed by Jervis Tetch. There are "Turtle Crossing" signs. LOTS of them. And the downtown streets feel like they were designed by Winchester Mystery House lady. Streets that go nowhere! Parking lots that dead end behind McDonald's! Keep building the city or you'll die! And as if on cue, Lennon's "Mind Games" popped up on the radio.

Unfortunately, I have little hope that such oddness will actually work for our favor ticket-sales-wise. But hell, it's too soon to start thinking that, say, this will be like Boulder all over again. And even if it is, having a Henchgirl along makes all the difference.

Which reminds me: say, I can has an actual www.JohnHefner.com? Why yes. Thanks to Henchgirl, I now can has. SUCK IT, JOHN HEFFNER AND YOUR DESIRE TO OWN JOHNHEFNER.COM SO IT COULD REDIRECT TO YOUR SITE! YOUR DOMAIN NAME HAS LAPSED! I WIN!

If you know anyone in Hamilton or Kansas City, MO, tell 'em to go see THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES over the next couple weeks. Tell 'em to laugh. Because I love you, Canada, I really do. But when I'm on that stage, I need boisterous American laughter, not polite internal appreciation. I like to know when I'm doing well. Also, Henchgirl may blow up Canada if this keeps going on.

But it's certainly been a productive two days since we left from Tuscaloosa yesterday morning (though it feels like last week!).

( And we have the photos to prove it! )

If I could cast someone to play Jonathan Crane, AKA "the Scarecrow," AKA "Squishy" (don't ask), I'm torn between Jeremy Davies or Michael Emerson. Maybe Emerson should be Mr. Freeze instead.

I'd forgotten how much fun it was to get plastered and stay up till six in the morning catching up on a seven-hour marathon of LOST with my mother. We're halfway through Season 5, and will actually be watching Season 6 in first run with everyone else (for once)!

Well, more or less, considering the fact that half of February and all of March will be spent on the road to and from Fresno, CA, where Henchgirl and I will be doing a special 45-minute version of THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES at the Rogue Performance Festival. This trip will be an excuse to revisit my Road Trippin' routes going the other way.

From Tuscaloosa, AL, we'll head to LA via the Southern Pacific route, do Fresno, then Vegas, then Route 66 to Chicago, then either home or Pittsburgh to see Henry Rollins. The purpose is to revisit the places that I'm using in THE ROAD TO NOWHERE, and maybe get a couple better pictures for the show, as well as see the parts I missed the first time around.

By the time we return, we'll have ample ammo for THE ROAD TO NOWHERE's premiere at CapFringe... assuming I get accepted into CapFringe. Or if I get bumped up on the Orlando Fringe waiting list, and have to get the new show ready two months ahead of schedule, that'd be fun. Either way, it's definitely going up at the Indianapolis Fringe.

My point is, ABC.com (or Hulu, if it's on there) will be my friend as I finally enjoy LOST the proper way. Because damn it, I want to be able to read my f-list without fear of spoilers. Seriously, you guys. Someone always has to blab about who dies, don't they?

By special request of heykidzcomix (sorry it took me ten months to finally get to these!):







( White Sands Missile Range! )

I checked into a hostel in Phoenix, AZ, my plan to rest in and check my LJ was waylaid when I discovered that my bottle of Pepto Bismol had exploded.

Of all the toiletries to pop open and spill, it had to be the one that would add a fine coat of bright pink over my toothbrush, toothpaste, other toothpaste, hand moisturizer, facial moisturizer, facial cleanser, floss, another (empty) container of floss, Rogaine, vitamins, vitamin C lozenges, Listerine, acid reflux medication, old-man-bladder medication, ginko biloba, massage oil, lube, and a flash drive. All doused with thick pink goo that steadfastly resisted mere rinsing techniques.

I think between occupying the bathroom sink for an hour and then (not entirely-successfully) fighting back sobs in the middle of the night, thinking about my cat, I was pretty much the worst hostel-mate of all time.

Continuing Southeast toward Tuscon along HWY 79, I pulled over at a POI near Florence, to visit the spot where Tom Mix died.





( More photos and story behind the cut! )

Those of you who've been reading my journal for a year or more know that I embarked on a massive road trip across the US from the start of November 2008 to the end of January 2009. I recounted my adventures in the form of day-to-day entries with tons of photos, stories, trivia, etc. And much to my surprise, many of you actually liked these rambling posts of mine!

Well, if you've read those, you'll recall that I never actually finished my series, wrapping up my adventure home. Part of it was procrastination and laziness. Part of this is because I had a set ending in mind, one which never came to pass for several reasons (it still could, if I ever got around to it). Part of this is because I was--and still sorta am--hesitant to delve into those raw, bleeding emotions surrounding my return.

Take it from me: you can't plan an adventure. And if you try, you'd better be prepared to get one, just not the one you wanted.

Well, since I'm working on a new show based around the road trip (at least, one or two of the eight or nine different stories I could tell about the trip), I think it's time to finally finish the story. As best as I can. Taking this much time is a double-edged sword: I gain perspective, but I lose the immediacy of memory and emotion. I hope the photos are enough to kickstart my memory. I hope you continue to enjoy them in any case.

In the meantime, for those who wants a kickstart themselves, or simply to catch up with this whole thing, here are all my pertinent road trip posts in handy-dandy order.

( Part 1: And we're off! Sort of! )

( Part 2: Route 66! )

( Part 3: Los Angeles, and my triumphant return to the Playboy Mansion! ... Sorta! )

( Part 4: Northbound along the US West Coast )

(MISSING REEL)


( Part 5: Vegas, pallies! )

Aaaand that's as far as I've gotten. I still need to do Vegas Day 3, which I'll get on tonight or tomorrow. Let's finally wrap this bugger up!