happiness is so fragile these days.

[thehefner]

One moment, I'm ok. Hell, I can be just fine and fun and good ol' Heffie for a week straight. But all it takes is one bad thing to happen, one little hurt or disappointment or minor little reminder of what I no longer have, and then for the rest of the day I'm just... crushed.

All the things I've just been trying to ignore and put aside while I focused on my work and the things I've liked, they all come spilling through and I spend the next few hours with a burning, horrible need to weep that never becomes fulfilled unless I become pushed. Weekends are the worst, too. Like, with weekdays, you have a strict schedule of things to do. It keeps your mind occupied. But not weekends.

I'm trying to not be wallowy. I no longer want to let people see me like this, like they'll think I'm weak. I've done that too long. So I've been acting, putting on a show, especially around some people more than others, and I hope that if I pretend to be happy I actually will be happy. And it works. Six days out of seven, at least.