and that's that, I guess
Jun. 28th, 2005 03:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thehefnerMisty IMed me for the first time since graduation, wanting to see how I'd been, it's been a long time, hey I saw Batman and thought of you, John, and so on. Y'know, I'd wondered if she would have done this at some point, and if she would, how I would react. Many would say I should have just blocked her, or hung up on her, not have said a word at all. Honestly, you know what I wanted? I just wanted to talk about movies and Batman and stuff with her, just like we used to. Just like we did all last summer. I wanted to so much.
Instead, I told her that this was goodbye. That it had to be. What I tried to do gracefully and bittersweet quickly became angry and bitter. It became ugly, and mud was being flung from both sides. No more point in being polite anymore. If this was to be it, by golly I was gonna give her a piece of my mind. And if I was gonna say what was really on my mind, she wasn't just going to sit back and accept it. It's kinda funny how often we've accused each other of doing the exact same things and how we both profess innocence. It's also kinda funny how much of my father I heard in what she was saying. But maybe that's just me drawing a line that isn't there.
I called her on her bullshit, and she resented me for thinking that her bullshit is bullshit and accused me of basically, among other things, insistently seeing things that aren't there. Maybe I'm misquoting. I saved the conversation to revisit months from now when it's less painful so I can adapt it to the comic. And I called her on her lack of willingness to take risks, on how she lives as defensively as she plays chess, and how, no matter how happy she thinks she is now, it will not last if she still lives like that. You bet she loved to hear me tell her that. I dunno, I really do lack conviction in anything I say. Anytime I believe something, I'm afraid someone will come along and prove me wrong, so maybe I'm wrong with this too. I hope I'm not. I hope she learns that you have to risk in life.
The one thing I didn't do was bring up Clancy, but boy did I fight the urge. Everytime she mentioned how happy she is and how she didn't see that happiness going away, I just wanted to give her the laundry list of all the shit I've learned about Clancy. About his hypocrisy and basic scum-of-the-earth-ishness and drug abuse and manwhoreish tendencies, how he leeches off his father's name while hating him and, most importantly, how he treats his girlfriends like crap. I resisted so hard, since the last thing I wanted was to hear from her first-hand how superior he is to me. To be reminded yet again how I bring nothing but misery and sadness while he's always fun and happy to be with. Unless he shapes up or she has no expectations, I suppose I'll just have to let her find out on her own.
I told her that I would have loved her better than any other man would have. When she rightly asked, "How would you know?" all I could say was, "based on what I've seen, call it an educated guess." One last time, I told her how I felt, how I still felt, about her. I really would have done it all for her. I would have done everything to make her feel as wonderful and I thought she was. She didn't have anything to say to that, as usual. I wasn't expecting anything.
And somehow, at the end of things, we managed to salvage some of that grace I tried for. I told her how I hoped that, after I've gotten over her and forgiven her, I could someday look back on the good that we had and smile. She said she hoped so too and believed it would happen. She still believes and really wants us to be friends. And I have to say, it still warms me to think of this. She still likes me, even if she will never admit how much. But it's not enough. It's not enough to feel guilty. Guilt isn't enough. Sometimes I wish she actually was more of an unrepentant cold-hearted bitch, because that way I could actually hate her. But I can't. I can't hate her, and I can't love her. I have to let her go. Away.
I wish she would have let me say goodbye to her in person when we had the chance, but she didn't let me. She said, "oh, we'll see each other again soon." No, we wouldn't, I knew that even then. She did too. So that's how the second great love of my life truly ended. With a few anonymous words over IM, leaving face, tone, and sentiment to the imagination. I liked to imagine holding her in my arms one last time.
I like to imagine there were tears in her eyes too.
Instead, I told her that this was goodbye. That it had to be. What I tried to do gracefully and bittersweet quickly became angry and bitter. It became ugly, and mud was being flung from both sides. No more point in being polite anymore. If this was to be it, by golly I was gonna give her a piece of my mind. And if I was gonna say what was really on my mind, she wasn't just going to sit back and accept it. It's kinda funny how often we've accused each other of doing the exact same things and how we both profess innocence. It's also kinda funny how much of my father I heard in what she was saying. But maybe that's just me drawing a line that isn't there.
I called her on her bullshit, and she resented me for thinking that her bullshit is bullshit and accused me of basically, among other things, insistently seeing things that aren't there. Maybe I'm misquoting. I saved the conversation to revisit months from now when it's less painful so I can adapt it to the comic. And I called her on her lack of willingness to take risks, on how she lives as defensively as she plays chess, and how, no matter how happy she thinks she is now, it will not last if she still lives like that. You bet she loved to hear me tell her that. I dunno, I really do lack conviction in anything I say. Anytime I believe something, I'm afraid someone will come along and prove me wrong, so maybe I'm wrong with this too. I hope I'm not. I hope she learns that you have to risk in life.
The one thing I didn't do was bring up Clancy, but boy did I fight the urge. Everytime she mentioned how happy she is and how she didn't see that happiness going away, I just wanted to give her the laundry list of all the shit I've learned about Clancy. About his hypocrisy and basic scum-of-the-earth-ishness and drug abuse and manwhoreish tendencies, how he leeches off his father's name while hating him and, most importantly, how he treats his girlfriends like crap. I resisted so hard, since the last thing I wanted was to hear from her first-hand how superior he is to me. To be reminded yet again how I bring nothing but misery and sadness while he's always fun and happy to be with. Unless he shapes up or she has no expectations, I suppose I'll just have to let her find out on her own.
I told her that I would have loved her better than any other man would have. When she rightly asked, "How would you know?" all I could say was, "based on what I've seen, call it an educated guess." One last time, I told her how I felt, how I still felt, about her. I really would have done it all for her. I would have done everything to make her feel as wonderful and I thought she was. She didn't have anything to say to that, as usual. I wasn't expecting anything.
And somehow, at the end of things, we managed to salvage some of that grace I tried for. I told her how I hoped that, after I've gotten over her and forgiven her, I could someday look back on the good that we had and smile. She said she hoped so too and believed it would happen. She still believes and really wants us to be friends. And I have to say, it still warms me to think of this. She still likes me, even if she will never admit how much. But it's not enough. It's not enough to feel guilty. Guilt isn't enough. Sometimes I wish she actually was more of an unrepentant cold-hearted bitch, because that way I could actually hate her. But I can't. I can't hate her, and I can't love her. I have to let her go. Away.
I wish she would have let me say goodbye to her in person when we had the chance, but she didn't let me. She said, "oh, we'll see each other again soon." No, we wouldn't, I knew that even then. She did too. So that's how the second great love of my life truly ended. With a few anonymous words over IM, leaving face, tone, and sentiment to the imagination. I liked to imagine holding her in my arms one last time.
I like to imagine there were tears in her eyes too.
