I just want to curl up and explode.

[thehefner]

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Yes, it had to happen. Probably. No, it did. Definitely. Possibly. Yes. Fuck. I was getting better. Last week, I was starting to really feel good. And then she IMs me and just wants to chat like old times and SHIT! I knew it couldn't happen that's why I didn't IM her myself and why I stopped reading her LJ and her away messages and just like last time she initiated conversation with IM and god-fucking-damn it! She should have fucking known better, and as a result I had to put my foot down and tell her no more, which I thought would be really hard, but you know what? It wasn't. When you're angry and hurt, it's easy to do stuff like that. What's hard is right now. This fucking sucks.

She just wanted to talk. She seemed really happy to be talking to me. God! All she wanted to do was talk like we were friends, talk about movies and how much she loved Batman and how she thought of me when she saw it. I wish I could have talked to her about it. I wish we never had any of this shit between us so it could just be like nothing ever happened but everyone knew long before I (and even she, it would seem) did that it just can't fucking happen.

I know, I shouldn't have participated in the mudslinging, and heck, I may even have started it, but when someone is telling me that I was the singular source of their misery and that I was nothing BUT a source of pain and misery, all I hear is my father. I've stopped taking that shit quietly from him, and I sure as hell will not take it from anybody else.

I was really starting to come along and now all I fucking wanna do is hit something, but I'm incapable of throwing a punch. I just... I fucking don't fucking know what I fucking want! I'm so angry and hurt and sad and upset and guilty everything and all I wanted was for it to be good. And God, I can't stop thinking about when it was good and how it could still have been good if she wanted it to, but she didn't and I can't stop harping on about two weeks where everything was just ok. Yes, it'll be ok again but it's not right now.

And now I think someone else I care about may be hurting because of me. Not that I want to see anyone hurt, but I don't want to see her hurt especially.

I hate getting angry. I hate the ugliness of it. I hated the ugliness of that conversation and the attempts of us both (mainly me, perhaps, or perhaps I just can't properly judge from where I stand) to undermine each others' feelings and our mutual smugness and superiority. Goddamn how we accuse each other of doing the exact same things to each other. The exact same things!

Why is it so fucking stupidly ridiculous hard fucked-up? Why can't people be fucking honest with each other? Why can't this be worked out? No one wants this! She just wanted to be friends with me, damn it! But I can't fucking stop hurting and forgive her and having those feelings! I didn't want to hurt her, but the more hurt I felt the more I wanted her to hurt like I did, so I don't even know what I wanted. I'm vindictive like Larry, yes, but underneath it all I just want everything to be happy and good and fine again.

There's no point to this post, in case you hadn't noticed.