Revenge of Misc. Thoughts' Revenge
Jun. 30th, 2005 12:59 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thehefner1.) Yeah, this girl, Nichole? Yyyeah, she's in a very committed relationship. In fact, the girlfriend is moving up from Florida to be with her. So, shit. Oh, and Nichole graduated college four years ago, in case we were holding out for BuG, if you know what I mean. *Tsk* Oh well. I have a new friend at least. Whup-eee, he said half-jokingly. Half. The subject of my sweetly half-assed flirting was brought up briefly enough to show that yeah, she knew, and that she was still as cool with me as ever. Which is a good thing. Erm. Right?
2.) Going to work today and being surrounded by comic geeks really did help my mood, considering that at lunch today I was still so upset I couldn't finish my burrito at CalTort. Man, and I really love those burritos, too! I'm no longer screaming with frustration and hurt, but I'm still bothered. I saw she was on my IM friends list and my heart skipped a beat. Dunno how she got back on there but of course I deleted her promptly. Y'know the thing, though? For the first time in two months I just wanted so much to talk to her. God damn it. Even at the worst of my misery I'd learned to not want to contact her because I knew it'd hurt, and now I just want nothing more than to talk to her and try to make it right. "Make it right," geez, would you listen to me. I still don't know if I regret saying those things, which provoked her to say those things that I still don't know if she meant or was just saying to be hurtful, but I know we both didn't want it to happen and I regret it happening. Even if it had to happen. Even if I needed to get those things off my chest so I could heal. It was ugly and I hated it. I don't want to burn bridges. When she said, "I don't even know why I contacted you, and now after talking to you I like you even less," I just... I can be superior and retort in the moment, but stuff like that stays with you.
3.) That said, the part that sticks in my mind worse than anything else is the big one. I mean, we've accused each other of the same things so often, we both blame each other for why everything went wrong much more than ourselves. But what really does it for me is how she says I caused her so much misery, that more and more I just became a source of pain and stress and that she was so depressed all those months because of me. I should not have told her that she was wrong, that it was her fault, that she wasn't unhappy because of me but because of herself. But all the same, I've had to endure twenty-two years of hearing how I'm a horrible, selfish person who causes hurt and pain, and I've only recently stood up to those accusations, albeit in loud, furious response. I couldn't stand to hear it again. I don't know her side of things. She never did exactly explain how I was so bad. I really should have asked, but I was too angry to do anything but throw it right back in her face because (if only because it's what I really think happened) for all or for how little that I know. I shouldn't have said that to her. But God, that's what hurt most of all. No one ever wants to be told that it's their fault. Neither of us had the right to say it, because either way it's not true. No matter how it may look from my understandably skewed and biased position.
4.) One more Misty thing, I promise: I still kinda really wish she'll still read my LJ. Some of the harsher, more personal elements like this one aside, I'd still wish she would in the hopes that maybe she might understand me better. Because that's the thing I realized, that neither of us ever really understood each other. Lord knows I tried, but unless the person's willing to share and open up there's only so much you can get. And if she's not going to really talk to me to make the effort, she'll never really understand me beyond the surface either. More than anything else, I think, it was total lack of communication that destroyed this relationship. How strange it is, then, that it's only when we finally started to get openly angry to each other's faces that we started to really open up, even if in ways that we didn't entirely mean?
5.) Hey, anyone doing anything July 4th? I was under the impression from somebody that there was gonna be a hang-out, maybe even a party, but there ain't. Sooo... yeah. I have no desire to watch fireworks, I just kinda wanted to see some peeps.
6.) I could escape this feeling with my china girl.
2.) Going to work today and being surrounded by comic geeks really did help my mood, considering that at lunch today I was still so upset I couldn't finish my burrito at CalTort. Man, and I really love those burritos, too! I'm no longer screaming with frustration and hurt, but I'm still bothered. I saw she was on my IM friends list and my heart skipped a beat. Dunno how she got back on there but of course I deleted her promptly. Y'know the thing, though? For the first time in two months I just wanted so much to talk to her. God damn it. Even at the worst of my misery I'd learned to not want to contact her because I knew it'd hurt, and now I just want nothing more than to talk to her and try to make it right. "Make it right," geez, would you listen to me. I still don't know if I regret saying those things, which provoked her to say those things that I still don't know if she meant or was just saying to be hurtful, but I know we both didn't want it to happen and I regret it happening. Even if it had to happen. Even if I needed to get those things off my chest so I could heal. It was ugly and I hated it. I don't want to burn bridges. When she said, "I don't even know why I contacted you, and now after talking to you I like you even less," I just... I can be superior and retort in the moment, but stuff like that stays with you.
3.) That said, the part that sticks in my mind worse than anything else is the big one. I mean, we've accused each other of the same things so often, we both blame each other for why everything went wrong much more than ourselves. But what really does it for me is how she says I caused her so much misery, that more and more I just became a source of pain and stress and that she was so depressed all those months because of me. I should not have told her that she was wrong, that it was her fault, that she wasn't unhappy because of me but because of herself. But all the same, I've had to endure twenty-two years of hearing how I'm a horrible, selfish person who causes hurt and pain, and I've only recently stood up to those accusations, albeit in loud, furious response. I couldn't stand to hear it again. I don't know her side of things. She never did exactly explain how I was so bad. I really should have asked, but I was too angry to do anything but throw it right back in her face because (if only because it's what I really think happened) for all or for how little that I know. I shouldn't have said that to her. But God, that's what hurt most of all. No one ever wants to be told that it's their fault. Neither of us had the right to say it, because either way it's not true. No matter how it may look from my understandably skewed and biased position.
4.) One more Misty thing, I promise: I still kinda really wish she'll still read my LJ. Some of the harsher, more personal elements like this one aside, I'd still wish she would in the hopes that maybe she might understand me better. Because that's the thing I realized, that neither of us ever really understood each other. Lord knows I tried, but unless the person's willing to share and open up there's only so much you can get. And if she's not going to really talk to me to make the effort, she'll never really understand me beyond the surface either. More than anything else, I think, it was total lack of communication that destroyed this relationship. How strange it is, then, that it's only when we finally started to get openly angry to each other's faces that we started to really open up, even if in ways that we didn't entirely mean?
5.) Hey, anyone doing anything July 4th? I was under the impression from somebody that there was gonna be a hang-out, maybe even a party, but there ain't. Sooo... yeah. I have no desire to watch fireworks, I just kinda wanted to see some peeps.
6.) I could escape this feeling with my china girl.
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no subject
Date: 2005-06-30 11:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-30 11:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-30 12:20 pm (UTC)to make you feel better
Date: 2005-06-30 03:12 pm (UTC)Re: to make you feel better
Date: 2005-06-30 06:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-30 06:10 pm (UTC)MALE JOCK MOMENT
Date: 2005-06-30 06:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-30 11:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-30 11:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-01 03:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-01 03:27 am (UTC)Re: MALE JOCK MOMENT
Date: 2005-07-01 03:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-01 03:48 pm (UTC)