Bizarro Heffie must be destroyed

[thehefner]

Johnny Go and Bub needs to happen as a comic. There's just no other way around it. Now I need to find an artist. Where to go? Craigslist looks like a low-rent mess. I need someone who can capture the perfect balance of humor, style, and character depth. Hmm.

So a guy named Jeremy Hefner from Carlsbad NM has friended me over facebook. Apparently he is friending all Hefners he can find. I'm not sure I will, considering he's a bit of a militant conservative with whom I doubt I can have any rapport, but that's not what bothers me. What bothers me is the fact that I checked his message board and read that someone left the message: "Heffie-mOoOoooo! Hey bud, hope you're doing good! =)"

Heffie. They call him... Heffie. -.-

But even worse than this is what I just learned from Misty. She saw Brain Cornelius' thesis production at WAC, which featured Bizarro Heffie in the cast. For those who don't recall Bizarro Heffie, his name is Eric, and Dave once described his looks as "John Hefner if he were twisted by evil." He also vaugely resembles Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters 2. I just treated this as a joke until the day when he was in the Student Center and he turned off LEON: THE PROFESSIONAL to watch Inuyasha instead. There was no doubt from that point on. This man was my dark half.

I hadn't given Bizarro Heffie much thought in the months since I graduated college, until tonight when Misty saw the play and told me, "bizarro heffie made the show... the similarities between the two of you are priceless, and just watching him and thinking about the comparisons was worth going itself. the physical characteristics you share is strange... AND he does a *lot* of the same hand gestures you do. like you both have similar hands too... and then with the waving them around the same way... and the really loudness." And then she added the kicker: "he's a flailer too."

All of a sudden, I feel rather inadequate. No, I'm serious. I mean, on one hand, I'm all like, hey, I flail, sure, but I'm capable of really low-key subtle work too when people give me the chance! And then on the other hand, I'm feeling like, "No, the flailing is my thing! It's what I do! Like Jack Nicholson's voice! Like Walken's Walkenness! He can't take it from me! GAHH!"

This is unsettling to my neurotic insecure actor mind, you understand. My evil twin is out there, and he has my hand gestures.

Comments

[erzebetbathory.livejournal.com]

hey! it was a compliment! in case you forgot, i *like* your acting, so the flailing thing, not a bad thing, you neurotic, you. but i still thinkhe's trying to take your life, even if neither of you know it yet. because he really really is evil. e-vil. evil.

[(Anonymous)]

okay, are you seriously on facebook? cause i searched for you and couldn't find you.

shit

[2sick2pray.livejournal.com]

sorry, that was me...

[pondering-duck.livejournal.com]

OK, first of all, you're not the only flailer in the world. I won't tell you who else flailes but I'm sure there's one whose name rhymes with Bichael and whose flailing annoys his (or her) friends whose names rhyme with Mimmy and Kel. And also, what's the big deal if he's taking your place at WAC? I found the kid whose taking my place and I'm happy. I hope he's out there right now refusing to become a drama major but always finding himself on stage anyway...not liking cats but finding that Edith has a strange attraction to him...and writing stories about talking Jelly Beans! What's there to feel inadiquet about? He has his own perosonality, like you have your own personality. Who cares if you happen to have a number of similar qualities? There are others out there with similar bar codes on the back of their necks! It probably seemed like we were taking other people's places when we showed up to WAC.

Also, do you really think you should complain about a compliment someone you care about gave you in a place where you know she's going to read it?

I can't help but wonder if there is a group of friends out there who think of me as being the evil twin of one of their friends. That's really weird.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

She already did read it, I dunno if you noticed. And she already gave proper rebuttal and put me in my place. Plus it was all done in good humor, or at least I'm thinking so.

Secondly, dude, you know me. This is just me spazzing and going crazy neurotic, but it's nothing real. It's an overreaction in the pure John Hefner style. I mean, you do realize that if I were saying this in person, my arms would be flailing all over the place, right? I'm well aware of my overreacting even when I'm overreacting, and a little sleep later, I'm cool again.

And Mike, something you gotta keep in mind. We're actors. I think it's fair to say we all struggle with inadequacy issues. I certainly hope you figured that'un out back at WAC. Even if we know in our hearts how good we are, we're still plagued by doubt. And with neurosis, all you need is one thing to set 'em off. Hell, watch any episode of Seinfeld.

Re: shit

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I seriously am, under Washington College.

[stdelia.livejournal.com]

Then we shall hunt down this "Bizzaro Heffie," tar and feather him, then make him strut around like a chicken slamming his face into the ground until his face bleeds profusely and he passes out from lack of blood. ^_^

[fishymcb.livejournal.com]

I saw that show Friday night, and indeed Eric (or as I call him, Unfrozen Caveman Hefner) is a dark spectre of you. But don't worry, I find him to be a Heffie Lite - less calories and polish than the real thing. I did lean over to Carrie when he first came onstage doing a smarmy evil thing and said that I felt he should be stroking a small cat. No worries, dude. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! I AM IMMORTAL!

[gore-whore-5.livejournal.com]

If you want, I can kill him for you...