an open letter to Brian Michael Bendis

[thehefner]

Okay. Look, Mr. Bendis... I know everyone considers your particular style of comic book dialogue to be "fresh" and "hyper-realistic" and all; even though while that's technically true, all your characters speak with the same fucking voice--a stuttering, broken-sentence-riddled cluttering Mamet-on-crack patois, fattening six-part stories that could have been told in three or four.

Fine, whatever.

I endured all this even as you took characters like J. Jonah Jameson and Doctor Stephen Strange, characters with unique and distinctive characterizations, and made them sound interchangeably like you. For my own mental and emotional health, I let it go when you actually had Dr. Strange utter the line, "Um, wow."

I gagged and swallowed your disgusting and pointlessly sadistic treatment of a character about whom I honestly don't even give a shit.

Hell, I even sighed and accepted the first of what will likely be many good, rich supporting characters pointlessly and callously wasted in the name of cheap shock value storytelling. (On a side note, assuming that character actually survives, you'd think he'd really be sick of getting stabbed by claws, don't you?)

Because my time is too valuable to let my rage of all things that could potentially piss me off rule my life. I'd rather focus on the many good and worthwhile comics out there, the stories of quality, depth, or just plain fun (including some of yours; I'm still rather digging ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN, with some nitpicky reservations).

But this... this is where you have crossed a line, my friend.





...

... there... there are so many reason why that is wrong, it almost to the point where pointing them out should be irrelevant. It should be blatantly obvious to anybody who has ever--even once in their lives--read a comic featuring Doctor Victor Von Fucking Doom.

Really, I'm so livid that I'm just gonna let suburbfabulous field this one:

What impudent pre-op dares defile the likeness of DOOM?
Does he think we will not see this, simply because his tenor is too noxious for civil consumption?
Does he expect us to countenance this arrogance?
We do not look kindly upon mockery; some leaders are above the need for a jester, and DOOM is certainly one of them.
Someone bring this shining-pated catamite to heel, lest he arouse the ire of a JACK KIRBY ORIGINAL.
Some may lack the depth of spirit to follow DOOM, or, as is to be expected, lack the spine...but misogyny? That marks Bendis as being beneath contempt (although, in this case, perhaps an exception can be made.)

Ugh! I haven't been this pissed since "Niiiiice" from FANTASTIC FOUR 2: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER. Want to know what Dr. Doom sounds like? Let kali921 show y'all how shit is done:



Honestly, I wish I could speak like that all the time. Next time someone says something offensive, I should just turn around, flip my imaginary cape dramatically, and bellow, "WHO DARES?!"

Of course, I also wish I could dress like Bill the Butcher every day. The resulting Heffie might be jarring, or quite possibly the greatest thing EVER.

Not even Richards, stretchy jerkface that he is, could be responsible for this effrontery. At this time, there's only one thing left to say:

CURSE YOU, BENDIS!!!



Y'know, one of these days, some writer is actually going to read--and possibly respond to--one of my diatribes. I should try to write them as if they would anyway, especially if I ever want to join their ranks as a professional comic writer. But what can I say, I have beer in me at present.

Comments

[jellied.livejournal.com]

Man.

In my head, Doom is busy boning Morgan Le Fay until this whole Secret Invasion nonsense dies down.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I wholeheartedly support this theory.

Why don't I have a Doom icon for this occasion?

[beanie-platypus.livejournal.com]

Couldn't have said it better myself.


Y'know, one of these days, some writer is actually going to read--and possibly respond to--one of my diatribes. I should try to write them as if they would anyway, especially if I ever want to join their ranks as a professional comic writer.

I believe you've already covered the appropriate response to the writer in this case: WHO DARES?

[gnort.livejournal.com]

who says the cape has to be imaginary?

[kali921.livejournal.com]

suburbfabulous uttered that quote on my lj entry about this subject on Sunday. (That entry got linked to on when Fangirls Attack, and I've got people still streaming in from all corners of the Earth to spew Bendis hate, which makes me happy.)

Also, you're hotlinking to both my pics, dear.

wow...

[american-arcane.livejournal.com]

It's times like this I'm glad I'm out of the comics loop.

Because, seriously, the dialog for a character is as much what makes that character as the costume. And that dialog is definitely not Doom.

I don't even want to imagine what Bendis did to Doctor Strange.

That's just vile.

[heykidzcomix.livejournal.com]

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Sorry, I didn't think that would be a problem. I've gone ahead and loaded them onto my scrapbook now.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Oh lord, I wonder if whoever made this (I'm guessing it wasn't you) is a member of holymilkshakes.

[jbacardi.livejournal.com]

Yelena Belova agrees with you about Bendis.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Who INDEED?!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Yeah, seriously, what the crap?!

Another character I never really cared about in the least, and I'm *still* disgusted!

Re: wow...

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

With Strange, it was just little things. Nothing super-obvious like this.

I can deal with a writer not making the effort to add a certain... flair to the dialogue of more distinctive characters. But to have him utter, "Um, wow," is just wrong, man.

Re: Why don't I have a Doom icon for this occasion?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Hehehe, I suppose that would be the ideal way to handle diplomatic discussions with comic professionals: just employ DOOM DIPLOMACY.

[nymphgalatea.livejournal.com]

ZOMG, even Judd Winick writes more in-character dialogue than that.
I haven't read enough of Bendis' other work to get a feel for his style of work, but I can safely say that from this I an Not Impressed. Unless this is supposed to be a very big sign that Doom is a Skrull? I understand there's a lot of that happening in Marvel at the moment.

Y'know, one of these days, some writer is actually going to read--and possibly respond to--one of my diatribes.
Like that time I called Gail Simones' fill-in issues on Teen Titans "entirely awful, with no grasp of characterization or plot" and she responded to me quite politely to agree that it wasn't her best work?

Yeah, it's quite embarassing.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I humbly suggest the triple-whammy SKRULL CLONE DOOMBOT.

Wow, that's somehow more embarrassing than if she'd actually taken issue with your assessment and gotten all pissed.

[skalja.livejournal.com]

I'm basically convinced at this point that all the remotely "Important" Marvel books are written by the various writers and editors drunk and/or high and barbeque chicken wings with no napkins while wearing white t-shirts watching ... I dunno, you're the movie guy. ANIMAL HOUSE? On endless rerun. Over and over and over again.

I mean, there's that vibe of professionalism going, y'know?

Re: wow...

[skalja.livejournal.com]

With Strange, it was just little things. Nothing super-obvious like this.

At least until, "My cloak doesn't work under these circumstances!" which was just so, "I can't arsed to write this character I CHOSE FOR MY OWN DAMN TITLE" that it was more hilarious than anything else. I mean, really. You couldn't give him a concussion or something?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Hehehe, I'm now imagining Marvel as a frat house. Joey Q wakes up surrounded by red plastic cups, nursing a throbbing hangover and unaware that he has a penis drawn on his face (signed "JRJR"). Then he thinks, "Oh shit, I need to get the new Spider-Man script in by noon! Uh... er... umm... magic! Satan! Problem solved. BARF!"

ANIMAL HOUSE works for that generation, but for ours, I might posit SUPER TROOPERS. Or perhaps BOONDOCK SAINTS.

[morganashkevron.livejournal.com]

Have you seen this? I immediately thought of you when I did :)

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Ha! I like it (especially the blurb "Ladies and Gentleman. If I say I'm a t-shirt man, you will agree.") but I think I prefer:

http://www.snorgtees.com/idrinkyourmilkshake-p-487.html

[skalja.livejournal.com]

Neither of which I have seen. RUH-ROH!

(Boondocks is on my list; I just never seem to have the time for movies these days...)

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Heh, not BOONDOCKS, that's a cartoon/comic strip. A pretty damn awesome one at that. Although the second season is severely lacking in the social commentary. My friend Mike and I turned to each other and agreed, "We're not NEARLY as ashamed of being white as we should be."

I haven't seen BOONDOCK SAINTS in years, but I imagine I'd still enjoy it. Don't expect a masterpiece by any means, especially since the behind-the-scenes mishaps were so crazy that it spurred its own documentary, OVERNIGHT.

[skalja.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know the difference between Boondocks and Boondock Saints, I just shortened it and added the S because I'm ... tired?

I'm pretty sure Boondocks doesn't have Willem Dafoe in it, anyway. In drag, or so I hear.