thehefner | "You may be the hero of your story, but you don't always get to be the good guy..."

Or words to that effect.

Birthday Ball was tonight. Yes, that infamous night, and now A., that girl who you might remember I deeply hurt a couple weeks ago when she found out second-hand that I was going out with Misty? Do y'all recall this girl? I wrote an entry about her, like, two weeks ago? Well, back then, after that tiff, we agreed to go to the ball after all, as friends. Seemed fine, yes? Our dorm was going to go en masse to the ball, and from the looks of things, it seemed that A. and I were no longer going to be dates but just two friends in the same crowd.

Well, apparently, she still thought we were going to be dates. I mean, like a pair thing. You know, hanging out together, dancing, and whatnot. I suspected she might be wanting that, but she said or did nothing to convey that wish. In fact, we hadn't spoken at all since the "make-up." And while I really should have known better, should have been more sensitive and whatnot, my mind and heart was, quite frankly, deeply preoccupied (if there is a depth to preoccupation) with someone else.

And, might I add, it didn't help on EITHER front what this day was for me exactly one year ago. This was an important night. In fact, as if God were taunting me, another friend of mine was wearing the exact same silver and blue chinese number that Tammy wore at Alan and Rachel's wedding. Anyone... men especially... who were there will likely remember the dress. You're a sneaky bastard, God. I salute you. It didn't affect me that deeply, really, not as much as other things, but you know, it was just one more of those things. Didn't help.

When I decided to leave the Ball, melancholic and alone, I waded through the huge crowds to try to find a few people to say goodbye to, not even considering A. at all. I should have probably at least said goodbye. I just didn't care. Judging from our status that evening, I didn't think it was any more necessary than my finding each and every one of my friends and dorm-mates and bidding them farewell personally. Know what I mean? See, that's what I thought, that since A. and I were there as friends, that was the status of thus that evening, and I just forgot or otherwise ignored anything else. Feeling dejected and unhappy from my own shit, I just wanted to get away from the noise and the people and into the fresh air.

A. sent me an IM: "Just wanted to let you know that no one has ever treated me as horribly as you did tonight."

Ahem. Now.

The fact is, I do feel deeply and sincerely sorry for hurting her. At the same time, and I don't feel proud to say this, but I have much, much bigger concerns on my plate between the girl I actually love, my father, my grades, my work, my acting, and so on. And this one girl's infatuation with me, this little-more-than-acquaintance who was the cause of so much frustration two weeks before, I'm sorry but she just doesn't rank as highly on the scale. And as much as such an IM nags at my all-too-easily-nagged conscience, I can't help but think she just might be overreacting a teeny bit.

I'll wait until tomorrow maybe, after she's rested (and perhaps gotten any alcohol she might have ingested out of her system, although I don't think she's the sort to do that) before apologizing, but I'm going to try to keep from going all John Hefner and profusely apologizing over and over again. This is the stuff of miscommunication. This is her unrequited love. This is her not telling me what she wanted and this is me too much of a damned fool MAN to not ask and just assume (note to self: NEVER, EVER ASSUME ANYTHING, EVER!)that everything is ok.

You all know me. You know I don't want to hurt anybody. If I am callous about this beyond my call, forgive me and may she forgive me too. But quite frankly, in light of bigger concerns weighing in my heart and mind, I just really can't care about everything else all of the time anymore.