self-analytical stuff: Heffie's Intensity

[thehefner]

So it's been put to my attention (by a ladyfriend of mine with whom I've had some sexual tension for the past couple years) a possible reason why the few relationships I've had have turned out the way they have. Now, it's already been purported by one person thatI am a rather... intense person. Now, I've never thought of myself as intense. Passionate, but not intense. But whatever.

Anyway, this ladyfriend examined it further, and stated that I have an intensity that is both alluring and frightening. That it is this intensity that attracts these women, and it's the very same intensity that makes them back off. Frightening was the word for it, I think.

So all night now I've been thinking about this notion. Is it true? Is that how it's worked? The theory holds up to at least four relationships so far. The thing is, if it's true, I'm not entirely certain what to do about it. She suspects it's rooted in years of suppressed anger towards my father, which is a logical but somewhat all-purpose excuse for any reason why I might be fucked up.

This bears further consideration, but I'm not sure to what purpose. Like, should I try to change this intensity because it scares women away once they develop feelings for me? Or is it their problem, not mine, to resolve?

Any insights you guys might have would be appreciated. Am I so intimidating? Am I too needy, perhaps (and why, it occurs to me, is needy such a dirty word?)? Do I expect too much, or just too much from women this age?

Heck. Maybe I just smell.

Comments

[katenesswac.livejournal.com]

Well I can guarantee you certainly do not smell.

I don't know. I've been accused of being intimidating and had that pointed to as the reason why I've never even had a relationship. But I say screw what people say. Be yourself. You can't change who you are because someone else is uncomfortable with it.

[reazik.livejournal.com]

Honestly, what I believe is that people attract (and are attracted to) people who are on a similar emotional level.

You are intense (intense is not necessarily a bad thing, by the way) - and therefore attract intense women. But you also attract women who are emotionally needy and need to be "saved" somehow - and these women get scared because you have an intense need to help them. Deep down they don't believe they deserve this kind of help and get scared - find someone who treats them the way they believe they deserve to be treated.

For you, it absolutely is a repetition of the pattern you have with your father. It may seem like an "all purpose" excuse - but it's classic psychology. You meet a woman who reminds you of your father in some way, and you have a strong need to "fix" them. They don't want to be fixed, so they run away. This is what happens with your father over and over again. You're trying to indirectly fix the relationship with your father. This never works.

This doesn't make you wrong - or them wrong.

Becoming more and more self-aware is the best way to handle this pattern. Become more aware of whom you're attracted to. When you meet a new woman ask yourself if this is someone you want to fix. If it is, walk away (if you can). A healthier, less needy woman will be more likely to embrace your intensity. Come to think of it, it's possible that you won't react with as much intensity in a relationship with a healthier woman. Fewer subconscious reminders of Dad, you know?

Bottom line is - it is something you need to work on - and you will eventually be able to meet somoeone who not only accepts you for you, but embraces everything you are.

[fishymcb.livejournal.com]

I tend to agree. Yes, you are intense. I can't say I've ever been intimidated by you. Overwhelmed, yes. But since we are both heterosexual males, and you are a good, intelligent, entertaining person, I find it endearing. I can relate to the passion that you have for the things that you truly love and enjoy, regardless of others' opinions (in my case, it rhymes with mro mrestling). There's nothing wrong with taking some time for personal reflection and self-improvement, but this is fairly murky territory. I would suggest it's a little of both. As you have more experiences and get more comfortable in dating situations, you'll probably take it down a notch on your own, but if you can find the right girl, she's going to meet you halfway and not run away like a spastic dog during a lightning storm. So for the time being, just work on making yourself happy and let the girls come as they may.

[morganashkevron.livejournal.com]

You don't smell.

Also, you are not scary. I think the problem you may be facing with college girls is a simple one. You're looking for a larger commitment than they want to make (or at least they think you are). Unfortunately, most girls around 20 years old are looking for boyfriends, not future husbands, when they start dating at college. It also hurts your cause that the heterosexual dating population of WAC is practically incestuous. Everyone knows everyone else's business and in some way everyone has slept with everyone else's boyfriend's ex's new boyfriend's roommate.

So my advice is to be yourself, as that clearly already attracts the girls (and you're a cool guy anyway). But, be wary of looking like you want too much. Hang out, have fun, keep it casual.