happiness is so fragile these days.

[thehefner]

One moment, I'm ok. Hell, I can be just fine and fun and good ol' Heffie for a week straight. But all it takes is one bad thing to happen, one little hurt or disappointment or minor little reminder of what I no longer have, and then for the rest of the day I'm just... crushed.

All the things I've just been trying to ignore and put aside while I focused on my work and the things I've liked, they all come spilling through and I spend the next few hours with a burning, horrible need to weep that never becomes fulfilled unless I become pushed. Weekends are the worst, too. Like, with weekdays, you have a strict schedule of things to do. It keeps your mind occupied. But not weekends.

I'm trying to not be wallowy. I no longer want to let people see me like this, like they'll think I'm weak. I've done that too long. So I've been acting, putting on a show, especially around some people more than others, and I hope that if I pretend to be happy I actually will be happy. And it works. Six days out of seven, at least.

Comments

[karmaflouge.livejournal.com]

my dear, nobody wants you to be anybody but the heffie they know and love. whatever heffie you choose to show is up to you, but we're behind you regardless.

[yancentric.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I do the same thing. And the funny thing is, when I force myself to be happy for the sake of appearing strong and likable or whatever, I tend to find myself in situations where I honestly am happy and content. It depends on the depth of the angst and depression and of course the people you surround yourself with. I broke down on IM to an old friend the other day, though, far worse than I have in a long time. I hate to admit it, but I was sitting at work when this deluge of sadness hit me so powerfully that I can only blame it on freaky body chemistry.

Sometimes you just can't push back the negative feelings. But the more you can successfully not give in to them, the easier it is to control them and deal with the pain and sadness that's going to happen in the future. I agree with siloseven that your friends are going to be so regardless of whether you're hiding away your true mood or not. But I know where you're coming from in wanting to do so. We're social creatures, and often allow ourselves to be partially defined by how others see us. If you know that in a certain friend group people expect you to be the sad angsty one, it's easy to find yourself slipping into that role.

Just some random thoughts I've had in my head while dealing with similar moods in recent times.

[karmaflouge.livejournal.com]

it occurs to me, i need to get both of your IM names.

confession time... where's the ice cream?

[interdisciple.livejournal.com]

yo, peeps, i gotta chime in here: we're all in good company. i straight up want to spit at myself in the mirror right now. and having ty gone for the weekend has helped magnify that, by not allowing my self-loathing to be shaken or distracted by this random person who for some reason loves me.

why am i so full of funk, you might say? well here's where i break down: i say i'm going to do things, or not do things, and i don't keep my promises to myself. they're always minor. minor on top of minor on top of minor. i lie to myself all the time. i mean well, but i'm too ambitious. i should accept that in lots of ways, i'm just always going to suck. but i refuse to believe that can't be overcome. i've seen it overcome on many occasions.

now, i do always keep my promises to others, or come damn close, except when it comes to papers and deadlines.

but sometimes i flat-out avoid others. horde my attention for myself, for nothing. i treat myself to rewards i don't deserve: ie, going out to eat kabob when homework's not done. and i say i'll change, and i never do.

i'm a lame-o, but to a degree, so is everyone. being human is being weak. it's normal. it's okay. it's all a sliding scale based upon sensitivity, chemistry, experiences, etc. etc. etc. and not all of us can have that perfect combo in perfect balance.

i refuse to take meds b/c i think that's too easy.

society values being tough, and for good reason. there's honor in that. that's why i'm not a bleeding mess all over LJ. it doesn't mean my internal monologue isn't loud and distracting as hell.

then i get depressed for being so damn selfish. me me me. what about friends who need me? strangers who need me? people who have Real problems, people who could use my help? where am i? sitting in front of my computer, pretending to write when i'm not even giving it 25% of my all, pretending tomorrow will be different, trying to make tomorrow different but not hard enough, falling into the same traps, etc. etc. etc.

if you see me reaching out to play online, chances are, i'm at a 90% depression threshhold already.

i've been bigger. i've been better. it pains me to see you see me like this. but i've broken down to the point of i-deserve-no-pride-left.

the upside is, it takes a strong person to admit how weak they are. sort of.

or does it? sometimes i wonder if i choose weakness b/c it's easier than being strong.

*going to brew some coffee now*

Re: confession time... where's the ice cream?

[(Anonymous)]

you are my new idol (well sort of) I think it does take a shit load of guts to admit you're weak. in that sense you still have the weakness, but you are calling yourself out on it--- no one else is saying your weak, you are. does that make any sense. well I just wanted to say good luck w/ ur problems.---Emy

oh hefner!

[(Anonymous)]

ok Heffie, you are who you want to be, and thats no one elses decision--- if you want to be weak sometimes, do it. At least you're not an actor like me. You don't wear a Facade of being immortal. like it or not you are human, and all I can say is that you have to admit that to yourself (Im still trying to admit it to myself). But this is all an opinion, do what you will with it.---Emy

[tazira.livejournal.com]

Affection to all of you, because we all bloody need it. It's been a rough, lousy few months. Be good to yourselves. Take what rewards you can, because life ain't giving 'em for free at the moment.

[yancentric.livejournal.com]

MeSoYancy

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

SamBluestone3383