worst... father's day... ever

[thehefner]

I deleted the entry I made earlier today about my father. The situation progressed much further from there that what I was bitching about before seemed kinda moot. Right now, I just feel... I just kinda want to curl up into a ball and disappear. I'd just like to flip a switch and turn off for awhile. I wish I could stop thinking so much. That's what does it, I think about my father, and I think about Misty, and I think about Tammy, and I just drive myself insane.

Many things were said between my father and me today. What it comes down to is this. Everything horrible I say he did and said, he actually didn't do, and he treated me like "royalty," and did everything for me. I'm either mistaken or lying, he didn't specify. He added that I ruined father's day by bringing up my frustration with the pigsty. Oh! And he said, "You don't love me."

Y'know, for everything I know if my head and my heart to be right, it's amazing how he can make me feel doubt and guilt for anything. Make me question myself for everything. Make me feel like, if only for a split second, that hey, maybe I am wrong, maybe he is right, maybe he never did call me an ungrateful little shit or a fucking asshole all those times.

I called an Al-Ateen friend who suggests that I think about calling social services and having them intervene. Jesus, now I'm back to the prospect of putting him in assissted living or something, which he needs of course. And God, I'm so scared. I'm so scared to do it.

Anything else I say will just be more crying out, as is my way. All I feel like I want to do right now is to love somebody who will love me back. I just want to be loved back again. God damn it, it all goes hand in hand.

I'm really fucking sad right now. As opposed to feeling generally gray and depressed as I do every day.