worst... father's day... ever

[thehefner]

I deleted the entry I made earlier today about my father. The situation progressed much further from there that what I was bitching about before seemed kinda moot. Right now, I just feel... I just kinda want to curl up into a ball and disappear. I'd just like to flip a switch and turn off for awhile. I wish I could stop thinking so much. That's what does it, I think about my father, and I think about Misty, and I think about Tammy, and I just drive myself insane.

Many things were said between my father and me today. What it comes down to is this. Everything horrible I say he did and said, he actually didn't do, and he treated me like "royalty," and did everything for me. I'm either mistaken or lying, he didn't specify. He added that I ruined father's day by bringing up my frustration with the pigsty. Oh! And he said, "You don't love me."

Y'know, for everything I know if my head and my heart to be right, it's amazing how he can make me feel doubt and guilt for anything. Make me question myself for everything. Make me feel like, if only for a split second, that hey, maybe I am wrong, maybe he is right, maybe he never did call me an ungrateful little shit or a fucking asshole all those times.

I called an Al-Ateen friend who suggests that I think about calling social services and having them intervene. Jesus, now I'm back to the prospect of putting him in assissted living or something, which he needs of course. And God, I'm so scared. I'm so scared to do it.

Anything else I say will just be more crying out, as is my way. All I feel like I want to do right now is to love somebody who will love me back. I just want to be loved back again. God damn it, it all goes hand in hand.

I'm really fucking sad right now. As opposed to feeling generally gray and depressed as I do every day.

Comments

[spirit-o-fire.livejournal.com]

I read the earlier post and this one. My caveate now to everything later that was my original comment: You father sounds like a really manipulative bastard that you need to break away from for your own good.

I hear the thoughts on his condition. I wonder.

Do the assisted living. Period. It is for your and his good. Go through the motions fuigure it out and get it done.

As to his "having nothing to live for" Bullshit. Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles are blind. What about Steven Hawking's disabilities? Ther is thought. There is music. One of the greatest things that gives humanity joy and hope. Music to listen to and even to learn about. There are books on tape. He could learn brail and learn to 'read' again.

Is he wealthy? If he is wealthy enough for assisted living? If so, do it.

These are rational answers. Maybe they are not anything that he really wants.

Please forgive me if I overstep my bounds here, but... from all that I've seen you write, your father sounds like a parasite on you. A man that can't truly give you anything without expecting much more than what he gives in emotional and spiritual value from you in return. And he holds you to that every time. A "I'm your father, you owe me everything!" attitude.

My personal thoughts on parenthood are different. When people have children the parents' own lives become secondary to the life of the child. The children do not owe them anything more than respect and some reasonable gratitude depending on how nurturing and supportive the parent really was. But the parent owes the child everything. Not the other way around. For it is the child that is the future, and the parent is the past.

My friend, if you left you dad to truly take care of yourself and your needs, to go on with your own adult life, that's called leaving the nest. That is the natural process. If your dad holds you back then he is breaking the natural process. And hurting you. If he chooses to do nothing to take care of himself when he really does have alternatives, and he does, then that is his failure, not yous.

You can't let the guilt he lays on you dominate you.

And the trip to live with your brother for a while sounds like really enlightening life experience. You must not fear missing a little here for a chance to experience much more out in the world. There will be more oppurtunities here when you return. They don't dry up, they just change.

There are even potentially good acting possiblities out there. I have a friend that is a really good guy that acts and does choreograghed stage fight training out there doing movies and theatre living near Seattle. I can hook you guys up info wise, if you were interested.

Good luck. I read, I care and I think about your situations. I hope that I didn't over step any boundaries in my attempt to offer advice.

I will say this. And I mean it. You are a man that I see great value, worth, abilty and potential for even more in. When I get to be in your company, I feel better. Someday an incredible woman will love you for all that you have to offer. Until then, you have friends that know your real worth.

[tompurdue.livejournal.com]

Jesus Christ, dude, that's awful. I've got no comparable experience from which to offer advice.

All I got is this: you are a good person. You do good things and you try your best. It is a bit like treating an Alzheimer's patient (about which I know only a little) where the person you love is in there, somewhere, but none of the hurtful stuff comes from there. Except it is, too, sort of. People are fragile creations; the continuity is nothing like what you learned when you were three months old and learned about persistence.

So you take the abuse, and you try to find something else to stand on: your friends, your beliefs, your achievements, something. It's not fair and it sucks, but you've got us and I hope it's enough.

[pokeyburro.livejournal.com]

My perspective. (Why am I offering it? Because I think it'll help. You sound like right now your biggest need is many extra pairs of eyes, and so I'll be one of them.)

Your heart's pretty much in the right place.

You could probably stand to stand up to him a little more; a bit more firmness.

Questioning yourself is good. Don't ever lose that. There will be times when you shouldn't, namely, when time is of the essence; but when you have time to reflect, question yourself. Double-check.

The treatment your father is giving you isn't necessarily because of alcoholism. My mother was a bit like this, and she hardly ever drank a thing. In both cases, it sounds like a weakness of the parent's character. In both cases, I think the other parent can be a saving factor here; indeed, they already have been. Talk this stuff over with your mother if you can. Even Gordon may be of help.

Whenever it gets too bad, you might try finding something enjoyable, and just doing that, and putting the bad stuff out of your head. Read a book, write a book, frag some zombies, build a cabinet, whatever. Keep yourself busy.

The repeated contact with your father seems to be more bad than good. How often do you two talk? You might simply need to do it less. Give the wounds more time to heal before scratching at them again.

I think you're going to eventually recover from all this; you seem headed that way. It will take years before it's a distant memory, of course. But you've got plenty of years.