and that's that, I guess
Jun. 28th, 2005 03:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thehefnerMisty IMed me for the first time since graduation, wanting to see how I'd been, it's been a long time, hey I saw Batman and thought of you, John, and so on. Y'know, I'd wondered if she would have done this at some point, and if she would, how I would react. Many would say I should have just blocked her, or hung up on her, not have said a word at all. Honestly, you know what I wanted? I just wanted to talk about movies and Batman and stuff with her, just like we used to. Just like we did all last summer. I wanted to so much.
Instead, I told her that this was goodbye. That it had to be. What I tried to do gracefully and bittersweet quickly became angry and bitter. It became ugly, and mud was being flung from both sides. No more point in being polite anymore. If this was to be it, by golly I was gonna give her a piece of my mind. And if I was gonna say what was really on my mind, she wasn't just going to sit back and accept it. It's kinda funny how often we've accused each other of doing the exact same things and how we both profess innocence. It's also kinda funny how much of my father I heard in what she was saying. But maybe that's just me drawing a line that isn't there.
I called her on her bullshit, and she resented me for thinking that her bullshit is bullshit and accused me of basically, among other things, insistently seeing things that aren't there. Maybe I'm misquoting. I saved the conversation to revisit months from now when it's less painful so I can adapt it to the comic. And I called her on her lack of willingness to take risks, on how she lives as defensively as she plays chess, and how, no matter how happy she thinks she is now, it will not last if she still lives like that. You bet she loved to hear me tell her that. I dunno, I really do lack conviction in anything I say. Anytime I believe something, I'm afraid someone will come along and prove me wrong, so maybe I'm wrong with this too. I hope I'm not. I hope she learns that you have to risk in life.
The one thing I didn't do was bring up Clancy, but boy did I fight the urge. Everytime she mentioned how happy she is and how she didn't see that happiness going away, I just wanted to give her the laundry list of all the shit I've learned about Clancy. About his hypocrisy and basic scum-of-the-earth-ishness and drug abuse and manwhoreish tendencies, how he leeches off his father's name while hating him and, most importantly, how he treats his girlfriends like crap. I resisted so hard, since the last thing I wanted was to hear from her first-hand how superior he is to me. To be reminded yet again how I bring nothing but misery and sadness while he's always fun and happy to be with. Unless he shapes up or she has no expectations, I suppose I'll just have to let her find out on her own.
I told her that I would have loved her better than any other man would have. When she rightly asked, "How would you know?" all I could say was, "based on what I've seen, call it an educated guess." One last time, I told her how I felt, how I still felt, about her. I really would have done it all for her. I would have done everything to make her feel as wonderful and I thought she was. She didn't have anything to say to that, as usual. I wasn't expecting anything.
And somehow, at the end of things, we managed to salvage some of that grace I tried for. I told her how I hoped that, after I've gotten over her and forgiven her, I could someday look back on the good that we had and smile. She said she hoped so too and believed it would happen. She still believes and really wants us to be friends. And I have to say, it still warms me to think of this. She still likes me, even if she will never admit how much. But it's not enough. It's not enough to feel guilty. Guilt isn't enough. Sometimes I wish she actually was more of an unrepentant cold-hearted bitch, because that way I could actually hate her. But I can't. I can't hate her, and I can't love her. I have to let her go. Away.
I wish she would have let me say goodbye to her in person when we had the chance, but she didn't let me. She said, "oh, we'll see each other again soon." No, we wouldn't, I knew that even then. She did too. So that's how the second great love of my life truly ended. With a few anonymous words over IM, leaving face, tone, and sentiment to the imagination. I liked to imagine holding her in my arms one last time.
I like to imagine there were tears in her eyes too.
Instead, I told her that this was goodbye. That it had to be. What I tried to do gracefully and bittersweet quickly became angry and bitter. It became ugly, and mud was being flung from both sides. No more point in being polite anymore. If this was to be it, by golly I was gonna give her a piece of my mind. And if I was gonna say what was really on my mind, she wasn't just going to sit back and accept it. It's kinda funny how often we've accused each other of doing the exact same things and how we both profess innocence. It's also kinda funny how much of my father I heard in what she was saying. But maybe that's just me drawing a line that isn't there.
I called her on her bullshit, and she resented me for thinking that her bullshit is bullshit and accused me of basically, among other things, insistently seeing things that aren't there. Maybe I'm misquoting. I saved the conversation to revisit months from now when it's less painful so I can adapt it to the comic. And I called her on her lack of willingness to take risks, on how she lives as defensively as she plays chess, and how, no matter how happy she thinks she is now, it will not last if she still lives like that. You bet she loved to hear me tell her that. I dunno, I really do lack conviction in anything I say. Anytime I believe something, I'm afraid someone will come along and prove me wrong, so maybe I'm wrong with this too. I hope I'm not. I hope she learns that you have to risk in life.
The one thing I didn't do was bring up Clancy, but boy did I fight the urge. Everytime she mentioned how happy she is and how she didn't see that happiness going away, I just wanted to give her the laundry list of all the shit I've learned about Clancy. About his hypocrisy and basic scum-of-the-earth-ishness and drug abuse and manwhoreish tendencies, how he leeches off his father's name while hating him and, most importantly, how he treats his girlfriends like crap. I resisted so hard, since the last thing I wanted was to hear from her first-hand how superior he is to me. To be reminded yet again how I bring nothing but misery and sadness while he's always fun and happy to be with. Unless he shapes up or she has no expectations, I suppose I'll just have to let her find out on her own.
I told her that I would have loved her better than any other man would have. When she rightly asked, "How would you know?" all I could say was, "based on what I've seen, call it an educated guess." One last time, I told her how I felt, how I still felt, about her. I really would have done it all for her. I would have done everything to make her feel as wonderful and I thought she was. She didn't have anything to say to that, as usual. I wasn't expecting anything.
And somehow, at the end of things, we managed to salvage some of that grace I tried for. I told her how I hoped that, after I've gotten over her and forgiven her, I could someday look back on the good that we had and smile. She said she hoped so too and believed it would happen. She still believes and really wants us to be friends. And I have to say, it still warms me to think of this. She still likes me, even if she will never admit how much. But it's not enough. It's not enough to feel guilty. Guilt isn't enough. Sometimes I wish she actually was more of an unrepentant cold-hearted bitch, because that way I could actually hate her. But I can't. I can't hate her, and I can't love her. I have to let her go. Away.
I wish she would have let me say goodbye to her in person when we had the chance, but she didn't let me. She said, "oh, we'll see each other again soon." No, we wouldn't, I knew that even then. She did too. So that's how the second great love of my life truly ended. With a few anonymous words over IM, leaving face, tone, and sentiment to the imagination. I liked to imagine holding her in my arms one last time.
I like to imagine there were tears in her eyes too.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-06-28 01:32 pm (UTC)Telling her it's absolutely over was absolutely the right thing. As much as it would be lovely to see it all work out in the end, there are just so many ways for you to get hurt and so few ways to work it out that it really was time to just cut and run.
The wrong thing, in my opinion, was calling her on her bullshit. In my opinion (and this is just my opinion; I suspect others will disagree) is to accept whatever mud she's flinging at you but not returning any. If she gets impolite, cut her off and be done with it; banninate her if she repeats it. There are lessons she will learn, but only time will teach them.
She has been wildly self-centered in the past. Any attempt to get in touch with you is going to be transitory, and it won't be long before she hurts your feeling again. She's too flaky, and (forgive me) you're too sensitive to tolerate somebody that flaky right now.
Had she started with an apology, heartfelt and unasked, there might have been a way to forgive her. She didn't, so you don't. That doesn't mean you have to accuse her or try to change her or point out her deep personality flaws. Let her be who she is, and continue being who you are, and never the twain shall meet.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-28 02:26 pm (UTC)I do hope you someday manage to be friends again, but that's just me. I've found that when despair and rage and all the bad things leave Pandora's Box, you're left, finally, with hope. It's the one thing that makes all the evils bearable.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-28 02:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-28 05:02 pm (UTC)but i am glad you did it.
i'm sorry it didnt go as smoothly as you would have liked, and i agree with
but i disagree with him on this point: not forgiving.
forgiveness is never dependant on the other person admitting they are wrong. we set that as a condition often, but shouldnt. forgiveness is YOUR choice to make.
people seem to feel that forgiving someone who has hurt us means letting them off the hook for their crimes against us. we act as if it is giving them something. but forgiveness is not about the other person. it is about us.
Loren Cunningham called forgiveness "God's healing agent". whether you believe in God or not, though, it is still true that its the agent of healing. without it, we cannot heal, despite what we may think.
we also often think that forgiveness means letting the person back in to hurt us again, and that it makes us more likely to be hurt again. as if our bitterness and resentment is protection from pain. but those things CAUSE us pain.
on the contrary, forgiveness allows you to heal more, and makes it less likely that someone will be able to hurt you that way again. anytime we take the healthy approach to our hurts and inner pain and issues, we reduce their power over us and the ability for them to continue to hurt us.
do forgive her. not for her, but for you. you are worth it. take it from someone who has been there many times and has moved on. i have faith in you, brother.
i'm sorry it went rough, but i am glad for you that you were strong.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-28 05:40 pm (UTC)Right on
Date: 2005-06-28 06:32 pm (UTC)I let all the anger sit inside for a year, making me depressed and blue. One day I found myself listening to Johnny Cash's album while crawling out of my room. (Not recommended)
I think this is your first step into a happier point in your life. New beginnings. It may not be all rainbows and elves, but you're stronger than you've ever been, and you'll find happiness...and maybe toss an elf or two.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-28 07:57 pm (UTC)In our conversation yesterday, she apologized a couple of times, if only because there was nothing else a person could say to the things I was saying, but I didn't want apologies. They weren't enough. Now that I think about it, actually getting angry with her and doing the whole calling bullshit thing worked, on a level, for me because it was getting me some other response than an apology.
I had forgiven her so many times before. If I'd seen her in person again, I couldn't help but not forgive her. But I've been away from her for almost two months now, and without her there to influence be, I've been getting increasingly bitter and resentful and angry, which, I suppose, I have/had to deal with if I'm to get over her. But at this point, and certainly over IM, where I feel like I'm just one step away from basically talking to myself, that stuff wasn't melting away. No, this forgiveness is going to take a bit of time and it's gonna have to come from within, whereas the love I had for her would make me instantly forgive her (and Tammy too, in her case) the second I saw her.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-28 08:02 pm (UTC)Maybe I'll get over it, or maybe someone will treat me even worse so I won't care about the pain anymore, just as Misty did with Tammy, and then I probably will be ready to be friends again. Of course I still like the girl (and we all know "love" and "like" are two different things, at least so she tried to bash into my head). We probably will. Maybe sooner than I think, but not bloody soon, I can tell you that.
Agreement
Date: 2005-06-28 08:17 pm (UTC)Believe me Heffie. I've been where you are 3 times now. It's painful as hell. I feel so much sympathy and empathy to you.
Here I am, also still loving and caring about 2 women that have proven by their actions that they have parts of them that are extremely broken. They've hurt me when I didn't deserve it and yet, I still care and do not see them as bad people because they are not. But they are broken and a long way from finding the healing they need to face the realities of this world and face the consequences for their actions.
But I do still have hope for them.
Probably like you do for Misty.
Please listen to me here, Hef. You are a damn good man. You are a caring man. You are a handsome man. I think you and I have a lot in common. And both of us need to get past these wounds in our hearts and move on. Of course we wish they would see the truth that is so obviously in front of them. That we really can make good on all we say to bring them that great joy in life easily. But it's not really a lack of faith in us these have. It's a lack of faith in themselves and a lack of faith that what we offer is real.
What we offer is real. It's that joy, that zest for life, that passion and that care that is really in our hearts. And we will find women that realize it. Maybe they need to be women that are a little older, made this very same mistake already and then realize they got a second chance. Or simply women that are not so broken inside. But one way or another we I truly believe that we will find the right ones for us.
You have all my sympathy and empathy for the pain that this caused you. But you will heal. And you will be stronger and wiser when you have healed.
I'm here for you when ever you need, my friend.
Re: Agreement
Date: 2005-06-28 08:31 pm (UTC)Re: Agreement
Date: 2005-06-28 08:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-28 08:41 pm (UTC)Ah, my favorite call...
Date: 2005-06-28 09:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-29 01:12 am (UTC)You're not online. I hope you're out doing something to make you happy and keep your mind off of it. Have fun tonight.