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Long romantic post hoy! Big time Cats and Crying stuff!
Nicola called me up and we spent the past hour catching up on old times... sigh. God, she's wonderful. I was hoping to have "the talk" with her in person, but seeing as how we may not be able to meet up in the near future (assuming, of course, the RM's pilgrimage to NY doesn't happen... more on that later) we may have to have this over the phone. What do you think, is the whole, "let me explore how I feel for you" talk too personal for phone discussion?
I often wonder if we'd still be such friends if we were to see each other more often. Like, say, more than once a year. As she pointed out, our friendship really blossomed through our letters. This is why I want to spend a couple weeks to a month with her somewhere over the summer. My Ma's offered to book us on a Club Med-like travel package to one of a number of places, don't know where to go yet but Nicola's said she'd love to do it. When next we speak (and she is determined that we speak more often, to which I have no problem) she has said that we must explore the nature of our friendship. I don't think she realizes quite the extent of this I intend. She held off on calling or writing to me because she wanted to finish my novel first. Oh! The fact that she takes things like that so seriously remind me why I like her so much.
I still hesitate to use the word "love" for her. Recent events in my life, the handful of women with whom I have been more or less involved, have certainly thrown me into confusion over my feelings. Not just about her, about every one of them. She told me she hadn't called me at certain points because she was really depressed or upset, to which I responded, "Dear, people call their friends when they're upset. That's what friends are for, to make you feel better." I realized, and told her, that she always seems to be putting on her best face for me, and I realized too that I did that as well. She told me that she was afraid I thought she was more strong than she really was, and that's because she never lets me see that side of her. Well, if we're to go anywhere in this relationship, it seems that we need first to step the friendship up a notch.
I'm an acquired taste. A lot of people "don't get" me. You guys do. You laugh at my jokes. My jokes, which are my form of defense. She gets me too, but when we get right down to it, for all the letters and phone calls and long nights we spent together speaking, we really don't know that much about each other. I mean, all things considered. Yet there is this strong emotional and intellectual attraction, this bond, a bond I consider to be perhaps the highest of human connections. More important than sex. Maybe even more important than love. More or less, I share that with every one of you who reads this. But few can touch my soul the way she can. I want to experience her on a deeper level, but sex just doesn't seem to be an option. I used to think that what we had might be the highest it could ever go. Like Moses, I was able to gaze upon the Promised Land but never to enter it. It was a bittersweet understanding, appealing to the poet in me.
But now I realize that, after all this time, we actually do have another level to explore. Friendship. Because when we boil it down, we really aren't "normal" friends. We communiate through letters and phone calls. Since she left the DC area, we see each other, at most, once a year. And even before then, not that often. I think we've been in each other's company a total of six times. Over the course of four years. We love each other on some level, that much is certain, yet we are still afraid to bare our souls to one another for fear of... I don't know, rejection? That we might lose respect in the other's eyes? Or is it something deeper? All of a sudden, a whole world of new questions arise and that is both wonderful and terrifying to me. I doubt I'll learn something that turns me off of her entirely, that's not a concern. I just don't want that spark we share to die. I don't want us to get tired of one another, not that I think it'll happen.
She is a rare creature. She told me that I was pure, but she was not. At least, not like I may percieve her. She is so enthralled in romanticism (not lovey-dovey pink and puppies crap, but Shakespeare and Byron and Blake and Colderidge) that it becomes nearly impossible to think about her in any manner but romantic. So now we have something to explore together, and with beautiful trepidation, I await her next letter, that next phone call.
And after that? If after everything, we find that our relationship has not just endured, but even come out all the stronger? After this attraction endures this step and we find ourselves closer to each other than ever before? I wonder if then I shall find a way to enter the Promised Land, impossible as it seems.
Nicola called me up and we spent the past hour catching up on old times... sigh. God, she's wonderful. I was hoping to have "the talk" with her in person, but seeing as how we may not be able to meet up in the near future (assuming, of course, the RM's pilgrimage to NY doesn't happen... more on that later) we may have to have this over the phone. What do you think, is the whole, "let me explore how I feel for you" talk too personal for phone discussion?
I often wonder if we'd still be such friends if we were to see each other more often. Like, say, more than once a year. As she pointed out, our friendship really blossomed through our letters. This is why I want to spend a couple weeks to a month with her somewhere over the summer. My Ma's offered to book us on a Club Med-like travel package to one of a number of places, don't know where to go yet but Nicola's said she'd love to do it. When next we speak (and she is determined that we speak more often, to which I have no problem) she has said that we must explore the nature of our friendship. I don't think she realizes quite the extent of this I intend. She held off on calling or writing to me because she wanted to finish my novel first. Oh! The fact that she takes things like that so seriously remind me why I like her so much.
I still hesitate to use the word "love" for her. Recent events in my life, the handful of women with whom I have been more or less involved, have certainly thrown me into confusion over my feelings. Not just about her, about every one of them. She told me she hadn't called me at certain points because she was really depressed or upset, to which I responded, "Dear, people call their friends when they're upset. That's what friends are for, to make you feel better." I realized, and told her, that she always seems to be putting on her best face for me, and I realized too that I did that as well. She told me that she was afraid I thought she was more strong than she really was, and that's because she never lets me see that side of her. Well, if we're to go anywhere in this relationship, it seems that we need first to step the friendship up a notch.
I'm an acquired taste. A lot of people "don't get" me. You guys do. You laugh at my jokes. My jokes, which are my form of defense. She gets me too, but when we get right down to it, for all the letters and phone calls and long nights we spent together speaking, we really don't know that much about each other. I mean, all things considered. Yet there is this strong emotional and intellectual attraction, this bond, a bond I consider to be perhaps the highest of human connections. More important than sex. Maybe even more important than love. More or less, I share that with every one of you who reads this. But few can touch my soul the way she can. I want to experience her on a deeper level, but sex just doesn't seem to be an option. I used to think that what we had might be the highest it could ever go. Like Moses, I was able to gaze upon the Promised Land but never to enter it. It was a bittersweet understanding, appealing to the poet in me.
But now I realize that, after all this time, we actually do have another level to explore. Friendship. Because when we boil it down, we really aren't "normal" friends. We communiate through letters and phone calls. Since she left the DC area, we see each other, at most, once a year. And even before then, not that often. I think we've been in each other's company a total of six times. Over the course of four years. We love each other on some level, that much is certain, yet we are still afraid to bare our souls to one another for fear of... I don't know, rejection? That we might lose respect in the other's eyes? Or is it something deeper? All of a sudden, a whole world of new questions arise and that is both wonderful and terrifying to me. I doubt I'll learn something that turns me off of her entirely, that's not a concern. I just don't want that spark we share to die. I don't want us to get tired of one another, not that I think it'll happen.
She is a rare creature. She told me that I was pure, but she was not. At least, not like I may percieve her. She is so enthralled in romanticism (not lovey-dovey pink and puppies crap, but Shakespeare and Byron and Blake and Colderidge) that it becomes nearly impossible to think about her in any manner but romantic. So now we have something to explore together, and with beautiful trepidation, I await her next letter, that next phone call.
And after that? If after everything, we find that our relationship has not just endured, but even come out all the stronger? After this attraction endures this step and we find ourselves closer to each other than ever before? I wonder if then I shall find a way to enter the Promised Land, impossible as it seems.
