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Mar. 7th, 2005 02:35 amMa and I just watched six hours of OZ straight. So much man penis... and wow, how we still love this show. Amazing how a series of non-stop political intrigue, murder, naked men and gay sex can really bring a mother and son closer together. Plus tonight had the final battle between two characters who'd been on the show from the very beginning, and only one walked away. It was one of the single greatest deaths I've ever seen, and we were cheering, exhilarated. I dream of having a death scene like that someday.
It's also amazing how OZ can make things seem ok, even for a little bit. That said, it's been a weiiiiiird as heck weekend. Or at least interesting. Parties and Rudes and old friends and reminiscing and stewing and movies and Dad and drinking and stuff and so on and so forth. For the first time in my life, I've wanted to go numb. To stop feeling. To block out the stress and the pain, all the things which I've spent my entire life fighting to embrace and confront, then use them to as tools in my art. This weekend, for the first time, I faltered on that. For once, feeling nothing felt preferable to feeling everything.
It's not a feeling that I dismiss and condemn out of hand, but at the same time there's that part of me that sees such retreat as cowardice, as selfish. At the same time as that, there's a distinct comfort in losing oneself. It doesn't feel good, but it doesn't feel bad anymore either. And I think about that idea, and I think, no. No, that's no way to live. Even if it is for the odd party or two. I don't know. I've got a lot of things on my mind, clearly some more predominant than others.
I think this break couldn't have come at a better time. Give me time to set my mind straight on a few matters, if I can. Plus, the trip to NYC's gonna be great. A miracle of all can be co-ordinated, but great nonetheless. I'm not anxious to get back to WAC anytime soon.
It's also amazing how OZ can make things seem ok, even for a little bit. That said, it's been a weiiiiiird as heck weekend. Or at least interesting. Parties and Rudes and old friends and reminiscing and stewing and movies and Dad and drinking and stuff and so on and so forth. For the first time in my life, I've wanted to go numb. To stop feeling. To block out the stress and the pain, all the things which I've spent my entire life fighting to embrace and confront, then use them to as tools in my art. This weekend, for the first time, I faltered on that. For once, feeling nothing felt preferable to feeling everything.
It's not a feeling that I dismiss and condemn out of hand, but at the same time there's that part of me that sees such retreat as cowardice, as selfish. At the same time as that, there's a distinct comfort in losing oneself. It doesn't feel good, but it doesn't feel bad anymore either. And I think about that idea, and I think, no. No, that's no way to live. Even if it is for the odd party or two. I don't know. I've got a lot of things on my mind, clearly some more predominant than others.
I think this break couldn't have come at a better time. Give me time to set my mind straight on a few matters, if I can. Plus, the trip to NYC's gonna be great. A miracle of all can be co-ordinated, but great nonetheless. I'm not anxious to get back to WAC anytime soon.
