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So I went to California Tortilla (CalTort, as the cool kids call it) for dinner since it was Monday Burrito Wheel night, where you can spin the wheel to win a discount, free side, free desert, double stamps on your get-7-stamps-and-get-a-free-burrito card, etc. The kid at the counter seemed like he was new there; a amiable redheaded guy who was probably a stoner, a good kid. Anyway, he rang up my credit card, handed it back to me, and this was our exchange:
GUY: Dude, you have, like, the most awesome last name ever!
ME: Heh heh, thanks. Ah, it's ok.
GUY: I bet people come up to you all the time asking if you're related, right?
ME: Well, uh, actually... I am.
GUY: No SHIT?!
ME: No shit. He's my father's cousin.
GUY: Hugh Hefner is your uncle?!
ME: ...First cousin once removed. Second cousin. We're still not sure which.
GUY: NO SHIT!
ME: Ah, it's not that great. We're estranged. I only get the name and the bragging rights, that's all. No money or anything.
GUY: Dude! That is so awesome! You're, like, a celebrity!
ME: Pff, hahaha... thanks, but no, it hasn't really helped me at all.
GUY: C'mon, man, if my name was John Hefner, I'd milk that bad boy SO hard!
ME: Yeah, well, maybe you could, but celebrity connection hasn't really assisted me that much. Funnily enough, though... well, see, I went to school with Tom Clancy's son.
GUY: No shit?
ME: No shit. Tom Clancy Jr. Now he knew how to work the family connection.
GUY: That's just freaky. What's he like? Is he a cool guy?
ME: Yeah, he's cool. Actually, well, no. He stole my girlfriend.
GUY: No. Shit.
ME: Yeah. How about that?
GUY: Shit.
ME: Yeah. She left a Hefner for a Clancy. It's funny, really.
GUY: (pause) Aw, dude. I'm so giving you double stamps for that. Double stamps for lost love.
So there you go, people. Tell the cashier at your local California Tortilla that Tom Clancy stole your girlfriend, and you'll get double stamps on your burrito club card!
(And for the record, yes, I know she wasn't exactly "stolen" from me, but it's funnier that way. And we can always make allowances in the name of comedy... even if explanations such as this kill the joke. So there.)
GUY: Dude, you have, like, the most awesome last name ever!
ME: Heh heh, thanks. Ah, it's ok.
GUY: I bet people come up to you all the time asking if you're related, right?
ME: Well, uh, actually... I am.
GUY: No SHIT?!
ME: No shit. He's my father's cousin.
GUY: Hugh Hefner is your uncle?!
ME: ...First cousin once removed. Second cousin. We're still not sure which.
GUY: NO SHIT!
ME: Ah, it's not that great. We're estranged. I only get the name and the bragging rights, that's all. No money or anything.
GUY: Dude! That is so awesome! You're, like, a celebrity!
ME: Pff, hahaha... thanks, but no, it hasn't really helped me at all.
GUY: C'mon, man, if my name was John Hefner, I'd milk that bad boy SO hard!
ME: Yeah, well, maybe you could, but celebrity connection hasn't really assisted me that much. Funnily enough, though... well, see, I went to school with Tom Clancy's son.
GUY: No shit?
ME: No shit. Tom Clancy Jr. Now he knew how to work the family connection.
GUY: That's just freaky. What's he like? Is he a cool guy?
ME: Yeah, he's cool. Actually, well, no. He stole my girlfriend.
GUY: No. Shit.
ME: Yeah. How about that?
GUY: Shit.
ME: Yeah. She left a Hefner for a Clancy. It's funny, really.
GUY: (pause) Aw, dude. I'm so giving you double stamps for that. Double stamps for lost love.
So there you go, people. Tell the cashier at your local California Tortilla that Tom Clancy stole your girlfriend, and you'll get double stamps on your burrito club card!
(And for the record, yes, I know she wasn't exactly "stolen" from me, but it's funnier that way. And we can always make allowances in the name of comedy... even if explanations such as this kill the joke. So there.)
