Intra-Views

Here's fishymcb's interview, with my responses. These were not easy questions, and I don't know if I'll even be able to answer marred82's follow-up interview today.

1. Underneath it all, do you think Hugh Hefner feels insecure and inadequate in some way?

It's a tough call from where I stand. I'm not great judge of people I don't know personally (unless you count the one time I met him at age eight, and I bloody don't). My gut says yes; there's just gotta be something up with a guy who's that much of a camera whore, going on everything from talk shows to commercials to ROBOT FUCKING CHICKEN with his three scrubbed-blond girlfriends, and so on. And also, there's the matter of why we're not in contact anymore. Based on what my father says, Hugh is paranoid that his family are out to exploit him (and can you blame him?), brushing us off by saying how "private" a man he is. I don't know how secure a man he is if he has such few family members left but has absolutely no interest in knowing anything about them. But I couldn't say for certain.

Hopefully some day I'll be able to tell you with better confidence, should he ever see fit to drop me a line and invite me back.

2. What do you feel is the greatest injustice that has been done to a classic comic book character by a contemporary writer?

A hard question. On a personal level, I want to say Harvey Dent (by James Robinson) or the Joker (by Grant Morrison), but neither of those have any real lasting damage. By which I mean, another writer can come along in a year or even less and just totally ignore the previous character fuck-up.

The same cannot be said for Tony Stark, Iron Man. Over the past year, he and Reed Richards have been written to the point where it seems nearly impossible that they could be redeemed for the horrible things they've done (it's a long story). But in the pages of FANTASTIC FOUR, the writer Dwayne McDuffie has--in a mere two issues-- already done an admirable job in redeeming Reed.

Tony, on the other hand... the character who used to be a charming, conflicted, badass big name hero has now become a fascist, backstabbing government tool for whom the ends always justify the means, any means. Now, I don't think his motives are necessarily unjust, and I know in "real life" heroes have to sometimes do unheroic things all in the name of the Bigger Picture.

But these are superhero comics, for fuck's sake. These people have faced down gods and rewritten the rules of the universe countless times. So don't suddenly start feeding me "I had to do this, don't you see?!" For the sake of shock value sensationalism and a lame, muddled attempt at politcal commentary and social relevance, Iron Man's been fucked up beyond recognition. If there's just one culprit, it's Marvel EIC Joe Quesada, but the writers most responsible for executing his orders are Mark Millar, J. Michael Straczynski, Paul Jenkins, and Brian Michael Bendis.

My biggest hope for the character's salvation is not in the comics, but rather the upcoming movie by Jon Favarau, starring man-god Robert Downey Jr.

3. What's one movie that you really love that surprised the hell out of you?

(I actually started to answer this just on the basis of "surprised the hell out of you"... the following response is in line with that, and while I really liked these films, I'm not going to say I loved them. No, my answer for that has to be GATTACA. I had no idea that a film starring two actors I didn't like about a topic that seemed boring or pretentious turned out to be one of the most affecting, moving, beautiful films I'd ever seen in my life.)

There are two, one popular and one more obscure, and I probably wouldn't have seen either if it weren't for fiveseconddelay

The popular one, the one most will be shocked that I hadn't seen up till two years ago, was CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND. I frankly had and still have little interest in UFOs, and while I love Spielberg, I really felt absolutely no burning desire to watch a PG-rated film whose climad appeared to involve a giant intergalactic version of "Simon."

What no one told me is that CEOTTK isn't really a sci-fi film. Sure, that's the best way to classify it, and sure, that's what most folk think of this movie. But for me, the film was instead a powerful portrait of a crumbling marriage, with Dreyfuss' great performance at the center of it all. It's a surprisingly affecting human drama.

The other is HART'S WAR, a great little war film woefully mismarketed by a studio who didn't know what to make of it. The plot and "realism" of the situation is suspect, but the film is packed with some of the richest, most complex and human characters I have ever seen in a movie, making every second compelling and intensely watchable.

4. Which living actor would you give your left arm to share the stage with? Hell, let's make this a bit easier. You get one actor, and one actress.

You actually made it harder by adding an actress, as there are very few actresses I love and/or admire on that level. No one comes to mind immediately. Judi Dench would be grand, just because she's got a sense of humor and a wit to match her grand, immense talent. A close second would be Michelle Monaghan; if you just saw her in M:I III, you wouldn't think there was anything special, but in KISS KISS, BANG BANG, she was a revelation. Charming, quirky, packing every second of her performance with so many wonderful nuances that, flawed as she was, you couldn't help but fall in love with her. Also, she's crazy hot.

Actors... there are four actors I deeply admire above all, men who I think are the finest actors alive, but I don't think I'd necessarily be happy working with them. Kevin Spacey and Daniel Day Lewis strike me as being too intense and cold, the former too much of a closed-off control freak, the latter so obsessed with anything he does, he's one step into madness. Robert Downey Jr. would be an absolute blast, but there's a kind of standoffishness that I fear would clash with my personality (that said, he and Val Kilmer became like best friends on KKBB, and boy, I'd love to get that). Regardless, working with any of them would likely be a life-changing experience, each a brilliant opportunity for which I'd sacrifice at least a toe or three.

But if I had to choose just one, I think it would have to be Derek Jacobi. The man is not only perhaps the greatest Shakespearean actor alive, a man with a voice so goreous and a talent so immense that he has moved me to tears no less than three times (as Cyrano, Richard II, and Prospero, the latter I had the pleasure of seeing live), but on top of it all, he's an incredibly sweet, humble, and giving human being. He honestly thinks he has very little talent and is grateful for all the work he gets. He wins, hands-down.

5. Hey, wha' happen?

I got a weal wed wagon!

Intra-Views 2

Ok, I've finally come up with responses for marred82's toughies.

1. If you could beat the living snot out of one writer, who would it be?

Frank Miller.

It's for his own good. The man used to be brilliant, and I don't use the word lightly. Fuck DARK KNIGHT RETURNS, I mean BATMAN: YEAR ONE and DAREDEVIL: BORN AGAIN, those two are two of the very best comic stories I've ever read and will treasure them forever. But ever since he completely unleashed his id with SIN CITY (great stories, but he was never able to reel it back in since!), his writing has been off, and he finally snapped on 9/11. This man seriously needs a shock to the senses, a kick in the balls emotionally, intellectually, philosophically, and literally.

He may write tough guy shit better than anyone else, but he looks like the Vulture. The Spartans would have cast him over a cliff when he was an infant. I could take 'im.

2. What movie perfectly sums up the new hip term "Hefnerian"?

First off, I don't think you ever came up with an actual description of "Hefnerian." I guess the best way to sum it up is with things like, "Hefner falls in love, but she's engaged. Hefner goes down on a girl for the first time, but throws up. Hefner loses his virginity, but he throws up again. Hefner finally meets a sane, stable, smart geek girl and is in the healthiest relationship to date, but she lives in Chicago." How would you describe that? It's kinda like irony, or rather that thing that people mistake for irony, but tempered with good-natured neurotic humor and a dash of self-deprecation. SCRUBS is full of this, which is one of the reasons I love it, as is the comic stylings of Christopher Titus. But a movie? There aren't many films with true "Hefnerian" sensibilities.

I think ANNIE HALL might be one, though. The instances are numerous, but what comes to mind instantly are the last lines of the film: "After that it got pretty late, and we both had to go, but it was great seeing Annie again. I... I realized what a terrific person she was, and... and how much fun it was just knowing her; and I... I, I thought of that old joke, y'know, the, this... this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and... but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, uh, most of us... need the eggs."

Any other "Hefnerian" movies out there?

3. If you had one do-over, what event would you relive and change?

It's funny... until a couple months ago, I didn't really have any regrets. For the first time since I can remember, I was seriously wishing I could turn back time, pondering "what ifs" and "if onlys" for days on end. I still don't know if my last relationship fell apart due to irreconcilable differences as much as miscommunication, lack of communication, missed opportunities, missed signals, and all the other pointless little bullshit that destroys a good relationship. There're still times when I think, "If only we'd talked about that..." or "if only I hadn't been so afraid to rock the boat and told her how I felt..." or "if only I'd encouraged her to talk more often... and if only I'd listened..."

But the thing is, as time goes on, we (or at least, I) come to accept the past. The events of the past, good or bad, were what led me to this point, for good or for ill. And maybe if my present is so fucked-up due to one specific bad decision I could point out to you at a moment's notice, then yes, I reckon I'd desperately want to go back and change it. If you were to ask me at that low point, I'd likely use my one chance at a do-over for that. If you'd have asked me two months ago, I would have asked to have gone back six or so months.

But not today, nor do I imagine tomorrow. Sure, I miss her/what we had/what I thought we had/whatever, and sure, I'm lonely again, but I've already recovered and I'm basically fine. I think I'm stronger than I think I am, if that makes sense, and I shudder to consider what event will be the one from whence I won't be able to bounce back. Ask me again on that day, and I'll have an answer for you.

For now, I think back to what Garth Ennis wrote in HELLBLAZER: DANGEROUS HABITS, something that's likely going to stay with me for a long, long time: "Regrets aren't worth a bugger."

EDIT:

...

Oh, wait, you mean an event *period*, not just in my life? Oh, shit. Um... er... kick Hitler in the balls? Let's go with kick Hitler in the balls. Just while Leni Riefenstahl is filming TRIUMPH OF THE WILL, so I'll be a movie star at the same time.

If I think of something better, I'll say that instead.

4. If you had to read one comic book for the rest of your life, what would it be?

You want a book that's substantive and rich enough to reread over and over again, but you don't want something that'll kill your soul either. So, like, FROM HELL is out, as, to a lesser extent, is WATCHMEN.

My choice--and I need to reread it to verify if it's what I'd really want--is Dave McKean's CAGES. Huge, expansive, gorgeously rendered, heartbreaking, joyous, and beautiful. That's how I remember it, and it's still one of my favorites. But again, I need to reread it; it might today come off as art-movie pretentious.

5. How'd it get burned? How'd it getburned? How'ditgetburned!!!?

Wait, what is that? What do you have? Wha... nuhh... no! NOOO! NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEEEEEEES!!!! Augh my eyes, they're in my eyes! Abluhahbluhahabluah! Abluhahbluhahabluah! *spit* *spit*

or...

bear bear bear bear bear bear PUNCH!

definition

Courtesy of Mikey, who first coined the term. Perhaps this should be in the ffrontispiece of THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES, between the dedication and the first story.

Hefnerian (adj.) - pertaining to a situation, event, or story that seems positive and joyous, but has elements of or becomes depressing and melancholic, causing the joyous aspects to be dulled, all interlaced with humor.

Example: Jimmy got a dog for Christmas, but its legs fell off after 10 minutes. Jimmy called him Lucky.

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About John Hefner...

... and had no interest in asking. Round the Third, courtesy of themadhatter26:

1. What is your single, and I mean SINGLE, favorite quote?

The one that rules my thoughts currently is, oddly enough from an episode of FRASIER, but it struck a such a chord with me that might well be a slogan for my entire life: "We do have our baggage, don't we? But that makes the journey all the more interesting."

2. How much do you hate me for making you single something out?

Only if you're asking me to pick out something I actually CARE about. Ha! Burn!

3. What would you like your life to be like at age 40?

I'd like to be at least nationally famous for writing and performing the Hefner Monologues, with several published books (some Hefner Monologues, some novels like BUB AND JOHNNY GO), plus have written several comics. I would like at least a devoted cult following. Also, I'd have liked to have found some soul-mate-type woman. Plus, I'll have successfully played Hamlet, Cyrano de Bergerac, and Hickey from THE ICEMAN COMETH to appreciative audiences.

Ambitious? Unimaginative? Those are my dreams, as they stand.

4. Blind me with some science.

Thermodynamic miracles...events with odds against so astronomical they're effectively impossible, like oxygen spontaneously becoming gold. I long to observe such a thing. And yet, in each human coupling, a thousand million sperm vie for a single egg. Multiply those by countless generations, against the odds of your ancestors being alive; meeting; siring this precise son; that exact daughter...until your mother loves a man she has every reason to hate, and of that union, of the thousand million children competing for fertilization, it was you, only you, that emerged. To distill so specific a form from that chaos of improbability, like turning air to gold...That is the crowning unlikelihood. The thermodynamic miracle.

My birth, if that's a thermodynamic miracle... I mean, you could say that about anyone in the world! Yes. Anyone in the world. But the world is so full of people, so crowded with these miracles that they become commonplace and we forget. I forget. We gaze continually at the world and it grows dull in our perceptions. Yet seen from another's vantage point, as if new, it may still take the breath away. For you are life, rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg; the clay in which the forces that shape all things leave their fingerprints most clearly.

Also, honey is bee barf.

5. Sum yourself up in the form of a haiku.

Films, storytelling,
Comic books, cats and crying.
How Hefnerian.