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fair warning
Jun. 10th, 2007 03:31 pmThe next FIREFLY/SERENITY fan who tells me that they hate westerns (or have no interest in ever watching westerns), I am going to tackle, wrap in a burlap sack, and force them via Ludovico Technique to watch THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY, BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID, OPEN RANGE, TOMBSTONE, and ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST.
I will also provide beer and chips, don't worry. It's not torture, after all. It's rehabilitation. Hell, I'll strap myself in right next to 'em! "Don't bogart those eye drops!"
I'm not quite at this point of frustration with people who claim to hate zombie movies yet love SHAUN OF THE DEAD, but they keep pushing me. Why oh why do they keep pushing me?
On happier things, I am now into volume 2 of CONCRETE, which is one of the most poetically beautiful, serene comics I've ever read. No, it's probably the top. It's definitely going on the list of my top serene, calming, zen things, alongside Garrison Keillor performing Lake Wobegon monologues, Werner Herzog's voice, and David Lynch's THE STRAIGHT STORY.
Lovely stuff.
Oh, and I just had a great time ranting with a customer at the comic store about how PIRATES 3 made absolutely no fucking sense and was absolute twaddle. A list of the problems that come to mind off-hand:
--The Kraken. So, wait, the big monster from the second movie dies off-screen. Aside from how utterly anticlimactic that it in of itself, I have to ask, HOW did it die? Presumably it was killed by the East India Trading Company, at the behest of Lord Snooty McEvilBrit. OK, uh, why? "Nya-ha, we now control Davy Jones and all he has within his power! Let's start by killing the single greatest weapon at his--and now subsequently, our-- disposal! Brilliant!"
-- All the new pirates. Look at all these new characters! Ain't they neat! Ohhh, they're all going into battle, awesome! And they... do nothing. No, no, wait, they're... raising their flags. Oh. Um. Well done. You certainly earned your screentime and fancy costumes. Now as a reward, you'll be played in an RPG by some bitter kid who, like everyone else, wanted to be Jack Sparrow. Just like those kids who were too late to play Han Solo and had to settle for Bib Fortuna. Because really, was there any other point to these guys than to create some half-assed mythology?
-- Calypso: proof positive that they were making this shit up as they went along. Seriously, was there ANY inkling in PIRATES 2 that Tia Dalma was anything other than a voodoo fortune teller who was suspiciously hot even with the bad teeth? Then PIRATES 3 comes along and whoop! All of a sudden she goes from sly to angsty and is a goddess! No, seriously now, you guys didn't know at all where you were going after PIRATES 2 when you wrote it, did you?
-- No swashbuckling. Seriously, was there any real swashbuckling? The first one had it in spades, and the second at least had that great three-way Jack/Will/Norrington fight, give or take the big wheel. If PIRATES 3 had any real swashbuckling of note, it was utterly overwhelmed (drowned out, even) by the huge, pointless spectacle around it.
-- Pirates as noble heroes. "What side are you on, Norrington??! HUH?!" "Uhh, the side that didn't just try to rape you three minutes ago?" Seriously, that whole speech about pirates being equated to freedom and the opening of the pirates all being depicted as some goddamn LES MISERABLES la resistance group... yes, freedom to rape, murder, pillage, and steal. Way to go, Kiera! (seriously, Chow Yun Fat really just tried to rape you a couple scenes earlier. You remember that, right? Just checking)
-- Lord Snooty McEvilBrit on the exploding ship. Come ON, all that shit flying around, he had to at least have gotten ONE splinter in his eye! I couldn't get over how he seemed surrounded by this magical aura that protected him from all debris. Maybe when they bullshit the story for PIRATES 4: THE SEARCH FOR MORE MONEY, they can retroactively say that's how he survived.
And those are just what come to mind right now. I'm sure I'll think of more later, for the two or three other people who actually care. And hey, if I'm wrong about any points, I shall respectfully retract that complaint. But I think I'm right about most of 'em, anyway.
Ahh, that's much better; I'm ranted out for the time being. Back to work!
I will also provide beer and chips, don't worry. It's not torture, after all. It's rehabilitation. Hell, I'll strap myself in right next to 'em! "Don't bogart those eye drops!"
I'm not quite at this point of frustration with people who claim to hate zombie movies yet love SHAUN OF THE DEAD, but they keep pushing me. Why oh why do they keep pushing me?
On happier things, I am now into volume 2 of CONCRETE, which is one of the most poetically beautiful, serene comics I've ever read. No, it's probably the top. It's definitely going on the list of my top serene, calming, zen things, alongside Garrison Keillor performing Lake Wobegon monologues, Werner Herzog's voice, and David Lynch's THE STRAIGHT STORY.
Lovely stuff.
Oh, and I just had a great time ranting with a customer at the comic store about how PIRATES 3 made absolutely no fucking sense and was absolute twaddle. A list of the problems that come to mind off-hand:
--The Kraken. So, wait, the big monster from the second movie dies off-screen. Aside from how utterly anticlimactic that it in of itself, I have to ask, HOW did it die? Presumably it was killed by the East India Trading Company, at the behest of Lord Snooty McEvilBrit. OK, uh, why? "Nya-ha, we now control Davy Jones and all he has within his power! Let's start by killing the single greatest weapon at his--and now subsequently, our-- disposal! Brilliant!"
-- All the new pirates. Look at all these new characters! Ain't they neat! Ohhh, they're all going into battle, awesome! And they... do nothing. No, no, wait, they're... raising their flags. Oh. Um. Well done. You certainly earned your screentime and fancy costumes. Now as a reward, you'll be played in an RPG by some bitter kid who, like everyone else, wanted to be Jack Sparrow. Just like those kids who were too late to play Han Solo and had to settle for Bib Fortuna. Because really, was there any other point to these guys than to create some half-assed mythology?
-- Calypso: proof positive that they were making this shit up as they went along. Seriously, was there ANY inkling in PIRATES 2 that Tia Dalma was anything other than a voodoo fortune teller who was suspiciously hot even with the bad teeth? Then PIRATES 3 comes along and whoop! All of a sudden she goes from sly to angsty and is a goddess! No, seriously now, you guys didn't know at all where you were going after PIRATES 2 when you wrote it, did you?
-- No swashbuckling. Seriously, was there any real swashbuckling? The first one had it in spades, and the second at least had that great three-way Jack/Will/Norrington fight, give or take the big wheel. If PIRATES 3 had any real swashbuckling of note, it was utterly overwhelmed (drowned out, even) by the huge, pointless spectacle around it.
-- Pirates as noble heroes. "What side are you on, Norrington??! HUH?!" "Uhh, the side that didn't just try to rape you three minutes ago?" Seriously, that whole speech about pirates being equated to freedom and the opening of the pirates all being depicted as some goddamn LES MISERABLES la resistance group... yes, freedom to rape, murder, pillage, and steal. Way to go, Kiera! (seriously, Chow Yun Fat really just tried to rape you a couple scenes earlier. You remember that, right? Just checking)
-- Lord Snooty McEvilBrit on the exploding ship. Come ON, all that shit flying around, he had to at least have gotten ONE splinter in his eye! I couldn't get over how he seemed surrounded by this magical aura that protected him from all debris. Maybe when they bullshit the story for PIRATES 4: THE SEARCH FOR MORE MONEY, they can retroactively say that's how he survived.
And those are just what come to mind right now. I'm sure I'll think of more later, for the two or three other people who actually care. And hey, if I'm wrong about any points, I shall respectfully retract that complaint. But I think I'm right about most of 'em, anyway.
Ahh, that's much better; I'm ranted out for the time being. Back to work!
