I'm so terrific, I have my own toll-free number: 1-800-UNBELIEVABLE.

I am now awash with awe over two of the most gloriously wonderful things to ever destroy my health and crush my soul.

The first is an Oreo cookie. Not an Oreo itself, but an Oreo... cookie. As in, there's "chocolate chip" cookies, "peanut butter" cookies, and now, "Oreo" cookies, made with crushed Oreos in the cookie dough. They're sold at my local Georgetown deli, and my boss urged me to get one. They look disgusting, mind you, kind of like a black, rotten blueberry muffin, in cookie form.

I believe my very first words upon the taste hitting my brain were, "Holy sweet mother of FUCK." I think my teeth are melting, my heart has stopped twice in the past few days, and it's fucking amazing. All I can think about is Martha from RAVENOUS: "Wendigo must have more, eat never enough."

But the other thing I have just discovered is far, far worse and wonderful than even the Oreo cookie. For I have seen the light, the sheer cinematic brilliance that is THE ADVENTURES OF FORD FAIRLANE.

Like any sane and rational person, I would never have willingly subjected myself to an Andrew Dice Clay vehicle any more than I would watch the Vanilla Ice "classic" COOL AS ICE (which does, I admit, have one of the greatest taglines of any film: When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add Ice. My God, just let that one roll over in your head for a bit, and hope your skull doesn't prolapse.)

But then CHUD.com listed it in their 50 Greatest Guilty Pleasures, an article which was read by SHAUN OF THE DEAD/HOT FUZZ director Edgar Wright, whom CHUD later interviewed, to discover that Wright actually went out and bought the film after reading said article, then subjected it to Nick Frost. The part that sealed the deal was when Wright and Frost said:

Edgar: I have to say your Guilty Pleasures list on CHUD, not only am I thoroughly enjoying it, but I after reading the Ford Fairlane one I went out and bought it because I had never seen it. I watched it in the last couple of days and I found it absolutely mesmerizing. Nick came round yesterday and I said, ‘You have to watch this.’ He didn’t watch the whole thing, but he saw my new favorite one liner of all time, which is Andre Dice Clay going, ‘Clint Eastwood? I fucked him! Ohhhhh!’ Which makes NO SENSE. What I love about it is that for somebody so macho and so full of testerone, it always gets to the point of methinks the lady doth protest too much. And when it gets to making jokes about fucking Clint Eastwood –

Nick: And not even Dirty Harry or a character. The actual man Clint Eastwood. He’s like the character the fell out of the third telepod between Kenickie and Jim Belushi.

Edgar: It’s such a strange movie. And it cost so much. It looks like it was so expensive.

Nick: And you kind of get the impression that everyone was paid in coke. No money changed hands.

I only managed to catch the second half of FORD FAIRLANE on STARZ! ACTION, but that was more than enough to seal the deal. This has already become a classic in my eyes, and if Edgar Wright isn't ashamed of it, neither am I.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think some gray matter is leaking out of my ears. Someone hook me up with a Werner Herzog film festival, stat.

YEEEEEEEE-HAWWWWWWWW!!!

I'm trying to come up with a single panel scene for Bub and Johnny Go, and really, I'm just stuck on an image of a high-speed chase with a couple dozen Elvis bikers after Johnny, who's riding Slim-Pickens-style atop a giant Bob's Big Boy strapped to the car (presumably being driven by Bub).

Now, I hated to spoil that surprise (should I ever actually sit down and draw it), but frankly, I keep wondering if there's something better I could use than a Bob's Big Boy. I mean, after all, it's rather played out, isn't it? With AUSTIN POWERS, if nothing else.

Still, I can't quite imagine a large object that so captures the ironic, fun, corny post-apocalyptic Americana tone of BUB AND JOHNNY GO like a giant damaged fiberglass Bob's Big Boy.

Any suggestions? Or should I just go with it.

(And for the record, no, I don't know why Johnny has it or why they're after him. Do I really need a reason?)