a step

[thehefner]

For a couple hours every day these days, I become a touchy, bitter asshole. It's been like this since just before this summer. And you know what? I don't like it. No sir, I don't like it. Not one bit.

There have been brief times when I've just locked myself in the bathroom and gripped my chest, as if everything inside there was tightening and swelling all at once. I don't feel like lashing out or hitting anything; no, it's all internal and horrible. I've gotten much better in the past few months, but ever since two weeks ago... I've gotten worse. Misty is the obvious credit, but other factors certainly include money stress, lack of sleep, and a daily crash from lack of blood sugar around the hours of 5-9pm.

But of course I think it's safe to say the root of it all is father stuff. And I have been putting off and putting off going to Al-Anon for months. I tried a few weeks back, but felt so uncomfortable in this huge room of strangers 40 years and older that I never went back. So of course the obvious has been happening. Yet I didn't want to do, fought against going back even. I don't know why exactly. I just didn't want to face the problems. Just as I didn't want to face Misty in any other way than in the Hefner Monologues, and even that I've been avoiding. If I don't see it, it can't hurt me.

Today, I had a choice- go home from work and be grouchy, stressed as all fuck, and utterly miserable, ready to lash out at everyone there... or track down am Al-Anon meeting pronto and go to that instead, as tired as I was. I opted for the latter, and it's about bloody time. This meeting in Rockville was a tiny bit smaller, the group no less aged but better humored, and I was slightly more comfortable here. Then we got to talking about topics. And what a day I chose.

Because today was the 9th step. The dreaded step. "Make amends to all those we have harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others." Boy oh boy does everybody hate this step.



See, the thing is, Misty and I blamed each other for the majority that went wrong in our relationship. See, the gut instinct I had was to take all the blame, an instinct that's been molded and nursed by a lifetime under an alcoholic where everything is your fault, an instinct that is made worse by her insistence that yes it really was and she wasn't going to budge in that. And there was that part of me that doesn't want to take ANY of the blame. I've taken too much blame in my lifetime all too willingly, and there are so many places where in my gut I know, I know I'm not to blame no matter how unwilling she is to admit it, and if I'm not to blame there who's to say I'm guilty of anything else?

But that's silly, of course. I don't think there's ever been a relationship where it's wholly been one person's fault. So it's trying to sift through the facts where I can find them that's the tricky part.

But the fact remains. Ugliness and resentment is building inside of me. The only way I let go of those feelings about Tammy is because they were replaced by the far worse feelings from Misty. I can't just wait to be fucked over worse before I can forgive Misty this time. I will not survive long like that. I don't know how to let it all go, that's the thing.

But... I have decided that I am going to make the active decision to let it go. I'm not even sure what it means or how to do it, only that's what I'm going to do. I think it's just something you decide you're going to do and then do it. Maybe it's a gradual letting go, but it has to start somewhere. Maybe if I start now, by the time I finish the Hefner Monologues it will be gone. But it has to start. And I think there's only one way for it to start.

I'm going to tell her this myself in case she's not reading this post. I never quite know with her. I don't really need to tell her this because I'm not doing this for her. I'm doing this for myself. Even if I forget it every so often, I need to remind myself... that I need to help myself. I've healed a lot, and I've a lot more healing to go. The pain may never go away, but maybe I really can actively decide to let it go. It won't work all at once, but it will, I sincerely hope, be the first step in the right direction. I can't wait for this to happen. I need to do it myself.

I forgive Misty.

There. I bloody well said it. Now the moving on really begins.

Comments

[yancentric.livejournal.com]

Be careful you aren't mixing up your AA steps with your post-breakup stages. One of the stages involves "forgiving" the other person, as though it's a brave, magnanimous step on your part. It's far more powerful to forgive someone and not discuss it with them, as discussing it is often a selfishly motivated action on the forgiver's part. And honestly, you can't "forgive" someone without also coming across as a bit arrogant and assholish, even if you mean it as a gracious act. It's only because I've been through similar things myself that I'm probably sounding cold when I say this. But you never hurt anyone because of alcohol, so it seems weird to use their apologies/forgiveness step as a means of doing something you'd likely do anyway.

fwiw, I've done the same thing many times in the past, and probably will again. It's harder to let go of the pain someone caused you without actively involving them in that process, but IMO it's more real. Whenever I do such a thing, I do it with the hope of providing a logical endpoint to things, but it only pushes things out longer.

I had this girl on my mind a lot lately and it had been driving me nuts. I did the standard Yancy thing and wrote out a long email to her with all my thoughts in it. Then I realized that, while writing like that is usually cathartic to me, it only adds more tension to a weird situation and instead wrote her a one-line "what's up?" style email (this was after I'd talked to two female friends about the situation that both agreed on this method). She wrote back right away saying she'd missed me and we should see a movie some time.

I don't think you're at a spot right now where you want to re-establish contact with Misty, so this probably isn't useful advice to you. But this gist is that whenever you're in a spot where you are with this girl, long thoughtful conversations via phone/email/etc will never go right -- maybe some time in the future, but it's still too much in your head for any good resolution to come about. Are you really in the same headspace now that you were in back when you finally had a nice, useful chat with Tammy again? If not (and I don't know the whole story -- only what I see in your LJ), I'd recommend avoiding the girl for a while still and keeping your epiphanies to yourself. Dunno if I'd take that advice if it were given to me, so take it with a grain of salt.

just my 3 cents.

[pokeyburro.livejournal.com]

Oy. Yeah, what gawain said: don't tell her you forgive her, for those reasons he gave. Just give her signals that you're getting over any hurt she may have caused you, and meanwhile, tell her you're sorry for any hurt you may have put on her, because you are, I'm sure.

And then give her a noogie. (Ok, maybe not.)

[fishymcb.livejournal.com]

See, when dealing with exes, I find that atomic wedgies are more effective.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Man, I hate signals. Seems to passive-aggressive.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Thus was why I posted this here rather than hauling off and doing it first. I always want to check to see if I'm not making a mistake. Trouble with epiphanies, they could be wrong and then you get that false hope thing going. You know how it is, you're so desperate to look for an answer and you think you get one... pff.

But we all have to follow this step in Al-Anon, and none of us have hurt anyone because of our alcoholism, because we're not (all) alcoholic. It's for the families of. We've all been affected by alcholism in the same ways, and it's affected how we are. How we're all terified of rocking the boat. How we think wayyy too much and question everything we do and think. Our emotional neediness that comes when we don't learn to detatch. The underlying bitterness that festers even without us realizing it. These may sound like common things, but it's hard to explain, it's so... specific with us. It's why we have a group.

You see, for us, the step applies to everyone in our lives not just the alcoholic. Because we have to take personal inventory of ourselves to recognize what is really wrong with us and what really isn't, after which we should try to make amends with those we've wronged.

I don't think I'm ready to re-establish contact with the girl just yet, but I am starting to miss her as the friend she was. On the other hand, thanks to her, I have nooooo problem with Tammy. If Tammy weren't the little she-hermit that she is, I'd be fine hanging out with her. It'd be no different than hanging out with a crush, at this point. The issues are gone. So it feels, at least.

And yeah, that long e-mail thing? Been there too. You're right on the money with that one.

My point is that I may have hurt her. While she's never spelled out exactly what I did wrong, I think I can figure it out. She blames me for being passive aggressive, for being manipulative, for becoming increasingly needy and totally insane, for being an emotional needy mess that was dragging her down. That's my rough guess. Doesn't mean there isn't truth there. I'm just not sure, and I don't think either of us wants to talk about it right now. She's also TERRIBLE when it comes to expressing herself too, so talking it out at all may never be a good idea. Not unless she gains some eloquence in the matter.

I appreciate the imput. It means a lot coming from you.

[pokeyburro.livejournal.com]

Okay, I hear ya. Let's try it this way, then: if you forgive the pain she's caused (or may have caused, from her perspective), truly, then it'll be evident in the way you act around her (you won't have to try to give a signal; it'll just happen), and she'll pick up on that. Even if she doesn't, the fact remains that you've gotten over the pain, and as I understand it, that's the point of step 9. (Right?)

[covenhouse-cat.livejournal.com]

I'm in the "no specific forgiveness email to her" camp. She's probably reading this anyway. Pokeyburro and gawayn sound like they are giving good advice.

What the hell do I know, though?