Holy bejabbers, what a weekend.

[thehefner]

More stuff went down than can be simply put into one post. Especially not now in the sleep-deprived zombie-like state I'm in. Tomorrow when I have some free time at work I may expound on my thoughts regarding one or more of the several matters surrounding me. But for now, I'll just say this much.

I saw three absolutely drop-dead heart-stopping brilliant movies this weekend. City of God, Big Wednesday, and Hart's War. With the exception of the much-hyped first, these are movies you might never, ever consider seeing. You must. I'll say more later.

On a personal front, I really deserve better than the shit I've been going through. I really do. I thank Christ for the people who've been there for me, even when we haven't been in contact much recently.

Y'know, I've been accused by many people of being paranoid. Of being unreasonable. Over-reacting. Delusional. Downright crazy. Some of the people closest to me have done their damndest to convince me of this at several of the worst points in my life. So I have to swallow it up and try to move on. And then, months or years later, I find out that I was right all along. That the pain of all that self-doubt and those lies and it all, that *it's* all been driving me crazy for nothing? All for nothing. Can you imagine? I'm really tired of this whole mess. I really am. I want to be able to survive this just as I've survived all the other shit, not being turned bitter or corrupted by it.

We can't afford a therapist. There's no way. All I can do is to keep going (back) to Al-Anon and to write The Hefner Monologues. I need to do with this exactly what I've done to survive my father; put it all into perspective and be able to laugh about it. For now, I'm going to watch Woody Allen's The Purple Rose of Cairo and sleep on this all.

Maybe that's all I needed to say.

Comments

[gnort.livejournal.com]

It's not paranoia if they're really after you. It's high time the rest of the world learned that

[kmousie.livejournal.com]

Sending hugs and positive energy your way.

City of God was brilliant, but I don't know if I could ever watch it again. I enjoyed Hart's War, and I've never seen Big Wednesday, but I'll put it on my list. I look forward to reading your thoughts!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Add Purple Rose of Cairo to that list as well, I'd like your thoughts. I'm so riled up over that movie I don't know if I'll be getting to sleep tonight! Never has an ending so upset me in the bad way over a movie I was absolutely in love with!

[kmousie.livejournal.com]

Will do...I was planning on watching it my first year of law school as part of my Viggo Mortensen filmfest, but I figured it didn't really count because his scenes were cut.

Hope you get some sleep, despite frustrating movies!

[themadhatter26.livejournal.com]

I thank Christ for the people who've been there for me, even when we haven't been in contact much recently.

So....are you tight with JC now?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I think you missed the point.

[themadhatter26.livejournal.com]

Nah, I'm just a smartass. =P

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Another time, maybe, when I'm in a better mindset to recieve smartassery.

[icewolf010.livejournal.com]

Check out Catholic Charities. The therapists aren't religiously affiliated (i.e., they won't preach at you) and they'll charge you what you can afford. I got much needed free help from them and when I was in marginally better financial shape, was charged $10 a session.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

That might actually be perfect. I'll check them out. Thank you!

[deliapuppeh.livejournal.com]

<3

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Aroo? There is nothing here!