wherein Heffie runs afoul of a Burt's Bees stand

[thehefner]

So I'm going shopping at Rodman's, one of the most awesome stores ever (they carry all these awesome international items, including a very intriguing Russian malt cola type drink that looked as interesting as it did frightening) when I come upon the Burt's Bees stand of products.

Now, my skin has been really dry and crusty of late, and so when I saw the free sample tester can of moisturizing lotion, I figured, what the hell? But then I read the can, which said, "For best results, mix with Burt's Bees brand spritzing toner spray." And right next to the moisturizing lotions were the spritzer bottles, right there.

I raised an eyebrow. "Hmmm." I scooped out a small dollop of the cream and sprayed a bit of the grapefruit spray shit onto it, rubbed 'em together, and applied to my face. Hmm, that's kinda nice! My skin feels much better! Then I notice something at the bottom of the stand. Burt's Bees Hand Salve- "A farmer's best friend!" Free tester sample! Well... I suppose my hands are feeling a bit dry and chapped now that I think about it. Let's see how that feels. Oooh! That's also pretty good! Hmmm...

I spend the next five or so minutes, maybe ten, huddled by the Burt's Bees stand, keeping an eye out for Rodman's workers, as I give myself a free makeover with all the free products. Eye cream! Vanishing cream! Cuticle strengthener! Hey, what's this? Strawberry flavored lip gloss! ... After a few seconds serious contemplation, I decided not to opt for the lip gloss.

(Seriously, I wonder if there's ever been a story where someone just decides to hit up all the free samples of everything he can find, from food to moisturizers.)

I left the store feeling fresher, hydrated, and covered in all manner of rich new scents! I felt great! I got in my car to drive back, the thick scents of all the things I applied to my face and hands wafting heavily in the car. I drove along for a minute or two, taking in a few deep breaths, before I noticed, with some curiosity, that (hey, how 'bout that?) my throat seemed to be closing in on me.

No, there's no need for you to wallop me for my unabashed metrosexuality. I end up paying for it myself sooner or later.

Comments

[little-dinosaur.livejournal.com]

So what you're saying is, free-sample moisturizer is a gateway drug? Still, sounds like you had a fabulous time.
Maybe a little too fabulous for every day, with the choking and all, but if it's their treat...

[kosher-jenny.livejournal.com]

Throat-closing thing aside, how was their hand stuff? Cause my hands have been super dry as of late, to the point of bleeding. (Although they were okay for a while until yesterday, when they decided to mummify on me in the middle of inking a copper plate in Printmaking class. Nothing like trying to wash ink out of your hands while simultaneously trying not to get any traces in your raw knuckles) I have some stuff from Bath & Body Works that's good and doesn't sting, but need to be reapplied a lot.

This Rodman's place sounds a lot like Costplus, do they have those on the East Coast?

This is why man was not meant to smell like fruit salad.

[mirthical.livejournal.com]

oh dear.

see, I'm glad that you refrained from the lip gloss, because there isn't a single excuse for lip gloss on heterosexual men, unless they happen to be transvestites. Not one excuse. Chapstick is one thing, but lip gloss is something else again.

...this is why I hate scented products as though my life were dependent on it. because sometimes it is. I would have thought Burt's Bees were better about the scented stuff, though.

Re: This is why man was not meant to smell like fruit salad.

[mirthical.livejournal.com]

also, you are adorably ridiculous.

[eliyes.livejournal.com]

a) Awww. *pampers and gives allergy meds*

b) I am so jealous. I'm not allowed to wear scented products at work. I'm not even supposed to used scented shampoo to wash my hair beforehand! I'd love to try the Burts stuff but I'd get busted for sure. Stupid working at a government facility. Stupid rules. Do you know how hard it is to find scent-free deoderant that actually works? Because of course none of these buildings have modern climate control.

[ortugatay.livejournal.com]

Haha, once Mel and Arik and I cruised the mall to get our hands on every free sample we could. We got chocolates and smoothie cups and chicken nuggets and chunks of bread dipped in at least 10 different oils, and used all the massage chairs in Brookstone. It was grand.

[themadhatter26.livejournal.com]

The lesson for this misadventures. Never trust anything bee-related. They are tiny death factories second only to bears.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

The hand stuff is kinda nice, but like most any hand ointment thingie, it renders your hands rather greasy for awhile. You might give this one a try, though. Again, it calls itself "The Farmer's Friend" for its ability to get through to cracked, calloused hands.

Dunno what Costplus is (makes me think of Costco), but Rodman's is just a single store in the DC area, although they actually might have a couple more stores in the area now, I dunno. It's a family business for over 50 years. The only place I know where you can get stuff like McVites' Digestives (mmmmmmm).

Re: This is why man was not meant to smell like fruit salad.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Your subject line says it all :)

Y'know, can I just say how refreshing it is to finally have a girl actually not want me to be gay? A girl who actually *encourages* my heterosexuality?

The scents actually weren't as strong as, say, the perfume counters at Hect's. I think it was just the abundance of crap I'd slathered on myself.

Re: This is why man was not meant to smell like fruit salad.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

*smile*

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

And bears feed upon the honey of bees! Evil feeds upon evil! Someone alert Stephen Colbert!

Also, watch out for snakes.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I have *so* gotta use that in a story somewhere.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Awww. *slathers you with mango-scented cream that does something, god knows what*

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Maybe soon I'll become like that guy in the Kids in the Hall sketch who became addicted to girly drinks, huddled in the closet with a blender and some strawberries.

The words "fabulous" and "John Hefner" should never, ever go together. Disaster always results. Fabulous disaster, for sure, but disaster nonetheless!

[covenhouse-cat.livejournal.com]

Strong bee allergy myself. Have epi-pen, will travel.

Actually one of my cartoon ideas for one of the two cartoons I used to draw about poor roommates, (one was in college, called "Coven House", and one was later, called "Lake Effect") had a storyline about spending Saturdays "grazing" -- availing themselves of as many free samples of this and that as possible, so they don't have to buy food that day.

Oh, no, I've NEVER done that.

[eliyes.livejournal.com]

Now I smell like fruity pine trees. Excellent.

[pokeyburro.livejournal.com]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

/cry

Oh man, I'm sorry. Been there, done that, though... at least your attitude rules.

May I metaquote you?

[kali921.livejournal.com]

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

*wheeze with laughter*

BAHAHAHA!

Sugar plum, may I Metaquote you on metaquotes? Because this? Is hysterical.

That being said, Burt's Bees makes highly scented products that some find irritating. You know who makes a good hand lotion? Shi Kai, whose products are available all over the nation.

I love international foods stores. OMG, I am so blessed here in SF, we have TONS of them. I drink Mexican fruit sodas all of the time.

Also, I strongly encourage your heterosexuality. But please, let me Metaquote you, because this is priceless.

[kali921.livejournal.com]

...that sounded way sexier than you intended, I bet.

*lines up to be slathered with mango butter*

Re: May I metaquote you?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Oh please do! Go right ahead! I didn't know one could/did metaquote whole entries.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Perhaps that's how it sounded in writing, but what you may not realize is that I sound just like Gilbert Gottfried in full Mxypltzk mode. "I'VE GOT A SPYROGRAPH!!!"

Re: This is why man was not meant to smell like fruit salad.

[mirthical.livejournal.com]

... I don't understand why anybody would want to discourage your heterosexuality. Why would I want you to be gay? What the hell would I do with you then?

=)

Re: This is why man was not meant to smell like fruit salad.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I imagine some of the customers are wondering why I'm blushing and smiling ear to ear right now.

Hmm, maybe that's why those other girls wanted me gay! So I'd get off their backs and turn them on at the same time! That's dash cunning of them!

[kosher-jenny.livejournal.com]

Hmm. One of the reasons I like the Bodyworks stuff is it doesn't leave my hands all greasy. I also had this really great stuff that my mom got as a gift from someone who got it near the Dead Sea, or something like that. It's called "Hands!" so you can imagine the difficulty of finding that in any other stores. Still, they sell Burts stuff at Borders, so I'll have to try

Costplus World Market (<--full title) is a nifty store where you can buy all sorts of imported niceties like foreign sweeties and lots of cool stuff to decorate your pad with. It can be pricey, but hey! They have Orangina, Cadbury's and Irn Bru! (Although sometimes, they don't have that last one, it can be hard to find outside of the UK) So it's worth it.

P.S. I am down with guys using stuff to smell nice and make their skin feel extra nice, but the use of lip gloss does indeed cross a line, albeit a nice smelling one.

Re: May I metaquote you?

[kali921.livejournal.com]

I will Metaquote delicious excerpts and link here. That is my plan and I'm sticking to it, buddy.

Your gay play is making you embrace skin care products. By next week you'll be using $165 dollar Jurlique face cream, flown in directly from Australia.

Admit it. You love it.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Oooh, loverly! Costplus, eh? Hmm!

I was very, very happy to discover that Rodman's carries Cadbury Fruit and Nut bars, imported from England (not the kind made in Pennsylvania). *guuurgle*

Re: May I metaquote you?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I'm a pretty pretty princess.

[darksideofstorm.livejournal.com]

*waves* here from metaquotes and may I jump on the bandwagon and encourage your metrosexual-ness? Because there is nothing the straight men of the world need more then a good grasp of moisturizing lotions. *grins*

*wanders in from metaquotes*

[astridsdream.livejournal.com]

I prefer Udderly Smooth for my hand lotion needs, because it does a fantastic job of moisturizing without greasifying. And it's nonscented. And delightful. And other adjectives indicating goodness.

from Metaquotes

[hevia.livejournal.com]

I adore Rodman's!
Though I think your throat did wallop you for your metrosexuality. Hope you're ok.

Re: from Metaquotes

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

You know Rodman's? Are you DC-based?

Yeah, I'm cool. At least my skin feels nice!

Hi hi!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Yes, but perhaps my shirts with the french cuffs or the blue cashmere sweater are a bit too much. Fashionable though they may be...

Re: This is why man was not meant to smell like fruit salad.

[mirthical.livejournal.com]

nearly as cunning as using flags.

Re: from Metaquotes

[mirthical.livejournal.com]

it's all skin feeling nice and moisturized hands until someone's throat closes up.

or so I've read.

[fiveseconddelay.livejournal.com]

Sometimes you eat the bear,
And sometimes the bear eats you,
But always dress fabulously for the hunt.

Re: *wanders in from metaquotes*

[erzebetbathory.livejournal.com]

*drool* yes, udderly smooth, so good, so smooth, so... udderly

Re: from Metaquotes

[hevia.livejournal.com]

Yup. Based outside of DC.

Re: from Metaquotes

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Cool! Yeah, Rodman's is so awesome. I need to learn more recipies just so I can do something with all the exotic foodstuffs there!

Plus, that Russian cola type drink intrigues me...

Re: *wanders in from metaquotes*

[2sick2pray.livejournal.com]

OMG your username...

There's this horrible 70's B horror flick called Daughter's of Darkness about her, with the premise that she was still alive and living it up as a freaky lesbian vampire. ... HILARIOUS. I think it might be a Swedish movie, but I'm not sure.

Re: *wanders in from metaquotes*

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you never noticed Misty's username before? I certainly took note of that the first time she told me. Not too many people remember that wacky Countess and her utterly bugfuck life.

Re: *wanders in from metaquotes*

[(Anonymous)]

Despite my avid readership of your journal, I don't think I ever happened to notice comments by her in the past... in fact it's news to me that the person I just replied to was Misty...


Hi Misty! Your username = teh coolness