hulk feels... cold...

[thehefner]

Okay. While I am not one given to abject bitching, today fucking blows. It blows as a result of little things building up for the past couple of days, and while I didn't think it was going to bother me, it blows because of tomorrow.

The aforementioned little things include the little date that went nowhere when she saw my Senator Kelly campaign bumper sticker (a little bit of promotional material from the first X-MEN movie). She was horrified to think I was a Republican... until she realized, oh no, it's even worse, he's a huge flaming comic geek. Then there's the creeping growth of snark and asshattery on my beloved scans_daily, reminding me of the bad old days of trying to be the voice of reason on the DC Comics message boards. And then there's the fact that one of my good friends is now giving me the silent treatment.

But at least I had Speakeasy, which they said would be going up rain or shine. Well, as this weather is utter horrid crap, they ended up canceling, so no Hefner Monologue live tonight. It's a wise decision, no argument... but man, of all the bloody days for an ice storm...

And y'know, I wasn't really all that bothered by Valentine's Day coming up, but today is just making it worse. Sure, I'm disappointed that I actually am going to be single for V-day once more, even though I had truly though this would be my year... but it was a healthy enough relationship and I'm in a healthy enough place emotionally that I can be honestly happy for everyone out there who's going to spend their V-day with their loved ones.

But all the damn commercials haven't helped matters. No, I wasn't prepared for those. Of course, they're mostly insidious anyway, like the late-night ads for some adult version of Build-a-Bear Factory. Have you seen these? I asked my mother what woman would actually want their boyfriend to get them a custom-made teddy bear, and she said, "Oh god, no, it makes perfect sense to me, absolutely. It says that he's been *thinking* about her."

I immediately wanted to poo-poo (pooh-pooh?) that idea, when I admitted, "Well, actually, if I got a Green Lantern bear, I would be touched. No, wait, even better! Ohh, if Bloo and I were still together, she could get me a Two-Face bear! She wouldn't even have to buy it, she could just have burned half a teddy bear!"

Mom and I are both rather deeply enamored of the idea. What does it say about me that I'm both giggling and a little melancholic at the thought?

I was considering maybe going ahead and just recording myself doing my Hefner Monologue with my iSight, but I'd really rather have an actual mic. Preferably a wireless mic so I can be free to recording myself telling stories like "Drunk in Bath," though I'd imagine that'd cost a pretty penny. And thanks to the gorram frelling* weather, all Best Buys and Circuit Cities are beyond my reach.

However, the weather did allow me to finally use this icon. So there's that. Even if it is causing my top lip to constantly split open each time I smile, no matter how much Blistex I apply.

And finally, I read Grant Morrison's much-awaited issue of BATMAN featuring the return of the Joker, which is being released tomorrow. Ohhh, I'm gonna dedicate a whole post of bitchery to that one.

I can't even go work out to make myself feel better, since the gym is closed. And so I have come here, to expunge all manner of bitchery out of my system to you, my sympathetic and skimmer friends alike. Now it's time to do something rather than merely wallow! Therefore, I prescribe myself copious amounts of movies and booze.

In case I don't post tomorrow, have a happy Valentine's Day, everyone. I understand some single women spend it buying themselves flowers. I'll be at home burning half of a teddy bear.


*I only curse in Whedonese when I'm really pissed, and even then, I temper it with a fandom I like.

Comments

[suburbfabulous.livejournal.com]

1. You should podcast. I'd subscribe, and I don't even have an iAnything.
2. Body Shop makes a hemp oil Chapstick. Try it; it worked wonders for me, and I was having the same problem with my lower lip.
3. If every kiss begins with Kay, what exactly does BJ's sell that's so frigging awesome?
Cheers,
Guthrie

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I've never considered podcasting, nor do I have really any idea what it entails. I am sadly out of the loop there. But from what little I know, it sounds up my alley.

Ooh, there's a body shop around the corner from where I work. I'll give it a try. Dirty yuppie hippies.

"DIAMONDS: She'd pretty much have to."

[suburbfabulous.livejournal.com]

DIAMONDS: Hide the K-Y 'til later.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

DIAMONDS: That'll shut 'er up.

[thirdbase.livejournal.com]

Dude. Do not lower yourself to be with a woman who does not get the joke. Or at least appreciates it once it has been explained to her.

Senator Kelly and she thinks you're a Republican? How's that for ignorance? "I haven't heard of this person so clearly it must be a republican"? Good riddance! Gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em (and stick them in the trunk and leave their body by the side of the BW Parkway in order to tie up traffic for several hours).

Better day tomorrow, love. At least you are not in 7th grade. that's what I tell myself when I'm having a bad day. "Today may suck, but at least it's one day further from 7th grade."

p.s. why yes, I am Ms. Chipper today. Why do you ask?

[suburbfabulous.livejournal.com]

DIAMONDS: Safe words are for amateurs.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Well, in fairness, the bumper sticker reads "Senator Kelly: For our children, for our families, for our future." And in really small print, "Paid for by the Stop The X-Men campaign, www.mutantwatch.com"

Hey, I was just taking the advice of Mom and my stepfather to just... date. Just date a variety of women and relax, have a good time, be social, don't take everything so seriously. Because I don't just do things halfway, I usually want it all or nothing, and I dive in head-first. So in the interest of being social, I thought, the hell with it, no harm in a simple date.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I admit defeat.

[suburbfabulous.livejournal.com]

I'm just here to spread the culture...if by "culture", we mean questionable taste and socially unacceptable viruses.
>;)X

[suburbfabulous.livejournal.com]

NO HARM IN A SIMPLE DATE?
Yeah, that's what Indy's monkey thought, and look where it got HIM.

[thirdbase.livejournal.com]

your 'rents and my therapist are on the same page. the difference? you're braver than I am. I haven't figured out how to do a date yet.

that's exactly what she's been telling me. I have been ordered onto Match.com Went looking once, been too nervous to set up a profile. I keep trying to explain that dating isn't me, but that sounds silly and asinine. Is it really anyone? She says try it, and if you don't click with the person, move on. You're the first person I've seen this in action on. Wow - it does work. You can have one date and say thanks and not have to try your/their last name out or start looking at china patterns.

You da man.

(I know I can be flippant most times, but this is all in earnest. I admire you that you did this.)

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Wise words, my man. Wise, geeky words.

[suburbfabulous.livejournal.com]

Wanna see my bullwhip? Heh. You WISH I was kidding...>8)X

[little-dinosaur.livejournal.com]

Tried one of those just-for-the-hell-of-it Normal Guy dates recently. Dating non-geeks is eerie, not to mention boring as all hell. They just don't think like normal people. They don't like anything.

Can't help you feel better about Valentine's Day, but I'll reserve a non-holiday high-five (or a low-five if you're really down) for you tomorrow.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

While I dearly want to take credit for being brave, I think lonliness and horniness factors in there as well.

But it's true, you actually can have one date like that. And I will keep doing that, as long as opportunities come my way (and they don't come by very often), because I do want to push myself to be more open to people and try to be more social all-around. Even if every other thing out of my mouth has to do with comics, movies, or Simpsons.

Hey, if nothing else, maybe I'll get some good stories out of it.

[tompurdue.livejournal.com]

If it makes you feel any better, "gorram" predates Whedon. He picked it up from old cowboy movies, which was precisely the point.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

After my working-at-a-comic-shop story fell flat at my last Speakeasy, I learned the bitter truth that making a drunken ass of yourself is more universal than being passionate about something. Not just being a comic geek, but just being passionate. It's weird and, not to sound belligerent, kind of sad.

I shall happily take that high-five, and I say thankee-sai, so's I do.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Oh, I assumed it predated Whedon, but it's only used now in direct reference to Whedon, so I felt the need to qualify it. Y'know, lest people start talking.

That said, I'm actually ashamed that I didn't know that.

[ortugatay.livejournal.com]

That's the best thing I've read all day. Indiana references rock my world.
And your icon is also fabulous.
Also, I don't know you, but hi!

[kwsapphire.livejournal.com]

Ouch! Sorry for the bad day, damn! I hope it's gotten better by now.

I never bought myself flowers. And I wouldn't want a custom teddy bear, but I'm kinda odd, so it might not be best to go by me. A friend DID have a Raptor Plushie made for me though, and THAT made me squee.

[dormsquirrel.livejournal.com]

This exchange was fantastic, by the by.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I currently have a Corona with lime on one side of my computer and an ice-cold tequila on the other. So yes, it is improved. Thankeee! :)

But see? Raptor plushie! Same diff. I bet if I gave you a Muldoon Teddy...

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

We try. :)

[heykidzcomix.livejournal.com]

You know what's awesome?



I'M EVERYWHERE YOU WANNA BE

[icewolf010.livejournal.com]

Don't be depressed! Join the Movement!

Celebrate Oregon Statehood Day! (That's tomorrow.)

Stump your friends with Oregon trivia!

Frighten your enemies with a rendition of "Oregon, My Oregon"!

Camp in a yurt!

Stalk me with a tranq gun because I can't seem to stop using exclamation points...!

Seriously, it's this goofy thing I've been doing since my senior year of college. It was so much fun, I kept it up even once attached. I got sidetracked by the argument with my cousin last year, so I didn't really get into it as much. It's a fun, non-bitter way to deal with the day.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

A valliant attempt, Visa, but I am protected by the power of ice-cold tequila and Corona with lime! In return, have a bit of this!



Part one of three, don'tcha know.

[adaptor.livejournal.com]

"Okay. While I am not one given to abject bitching, today fucking blows."

Moved and seconded!

[heykidzcomix.livejournal.com]

Tiger carcass in alley, tire tread on its adorable burst stomach. This Internet is afraid of me.



I have seen its true face.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Very well, Rorschach! I was trying to play nice, and you had to pull that old card! Oh, it's ON!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Must be something in the air.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

...

I'm not certain if I'm too drunk for this, or clearly not drunk enough.

[heykidzcomix.livejournal.com]

This will be the last thing you see before you die.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

What I don't understand is... how? How, by tormenting me with such brain-melting fare, have you paradoxically managed to cheer me up? My god, I really am a masochist!

I imagine you've already seen this, but just in case, here's my response as I take a decidedly different tactic:

[suburbfabulous.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[suburbfabulous.livejournal.com]

Hi, and thanks! I don't know you, either, but does anyone REALLY know anyone?

[lairdofdarkness.livejournal.com]

Happy Valentines day to you too bud

[heykidzcomix.livejournal.com]

Nicolas Cage LOVES WOMEN.



I don't.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Oh... my... god.

I... I think I need to make an icon of "GARBAGE DAY!" as that will likely be the funniest damn thing I will see all day. It's a masterwork of bad acting. And I thought SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 4 was terrible.

Fine. We gonna play this game, then? VERY WELL.



(it was either this, the intro to the G.I. JOE movie, or Journey's "Separate Ways.")

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

And to you, pally.

[heykidzcomix.livejournal.com]

The softer side.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Ohhh, I was lucky (?) enough to actually see this whole episode one time.

Me? I like it hard.

[heykidzcomix.livejournal.com]

I hope you get cancer.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

...

Once again, you are a monster.

Honestly, I didn't know this was a Fox thing until I actually clicked the link. I just thought it was some painfully unfunny parody news show on E! or something. The knowledge that this is the "conservative answer to the Daily Show" makes it all the worse.

Congrats. You managed to give me the greatest joy of my day and then utterly dash it, leaving a bitter, unfunny lame taste in my mouth that not even "GARBAGE DAY!" can wash away.

Ugh! Ugh! Time for drastic measures!



Ok. Ok. Ok. Better now.

You utter, utter monster.

[heykidzcomix.livejournal.com]

Aw. Let's be friends.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Aww. An old favorite. All is forgiven. Love and a-Peace reign once more!

You know what this calls for?

[jellied.livejournal.com]

The one on the right with the skinny pants is kind of cute.

This video however just makes me think of Beck's "Hell Yes".

[gnort.livejournal.com]

oh...dear god..is that donny osmond? If so it is the greatest thing he has ever done..ever..If not then the guy certainly looks like him, like it's his twin cousin or something. Either way he makes that video the piece of greatness that it is.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

It absolutely is the man himself. I never thought I regard him as a bastion of pure awesomeness.

[covenhouse-cat.livejournal.com]

Personally, if anyone got me a teddy bear, I would know that they didn't really know me.
Unless it was a Teddy Kord bear.