Intra-Views 2

[thehefner]

Ok, I've finally come up with responses for marred82's toughies.

1. If you could beat the living snot out of one writer, who would it be?

Frank Miller.

It's for his own good. The man used to be brilliant, and I don't use the word lightly. Fuck DARK KNIGHT RETURNS, I mean BATMAN: YEAR ONE and DAREDEVIL: BORN AGAIN, those two are two of the very best comic stories I've ever read and will treasure them forever. But ever since he completely unleashed his id with SIN CITY (great stories, but he was never able to reel it back in since!), his writing has been off, and he finally snapped on 9/11. This man seriously needs a shock to the senses, a kick in the balls emotionally, intellectually, philosophically, and literally.

He may write tough guy shit better than anyone else, but he looks like the Vulture. The Spartans would have cast him over a cliff when he was an infant. I could take 'im.

2. What movie perfectly sums up the new hip term "Hefnerian"?

First off, I don't think you ever came up with an actual description of "Hefnerian." I guess the best way to sum it up is with things like, "Hefner falls in love, but she's engaged. Hefner goes down on a girl for the first time, but throws up. Hefner loses his virginity, but he throws up again. Hefner finally meets a sane, stable, smart geek girl and is in the healthiest relationship to date, but she lives in Chicago." How would you describe that? It's kinda like irony, or rather that thing that people mistake for irony, but tempered with good-natured neurotic humor and a dash of self-deprecation. SCRUBS is full of this, which is one of the reasons I love it, as is the comic stylings of Christopher Titus. But a movie? There aren't many films with true "Hefnerian" sensibilities.

I think ANNIE HALL might be one, though. The instances are numerous, but what comes to mind instantly are the last lines of the film: "After that it got pretty late, and we both had to go, but it was great seeing Annie again. I... I realized what a terrific person she was, and... and how much fun it was just knowing her; and I... I, I thought of that old joke, y'know, the, this... this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and... but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, uh, most of us... need the eggs."

Any other "Hefnerian" movies out there?

3. If you had one do-over, what event would you relive and change?

It's funny... until a couple months ago, I didn't really have any regrets. For the first time since I can remember, I was seriously wishing I could turn back time, pondering "what ifs" and "if onlys" for days on end. I still don't know if my last relationship fell apart due to irreconcilable differences as much as miscommunication, lack of communication, missed opportunities, missed signals, and all the other pointless little bullshit that destroys a good relationship. There're still times when I think, "If only we'd talked about that..." or "if only I hadn't been so afraid to rock the boat and told her how I felt..." or "if only I'd encouraged her to talk more often... and if only I'd listened..."

But the thing is, as time goes on, we (or at least, I) come to accept the past. The events of the past, good or bad, were what led me to this point, for good or for ill. And maybe if my present is so fucked-up due to one specific bad decision I could point out to you at a moment's notice, then yes, I reckon I'd desperately want to go back and change it. If you were to ask me at that low point, I'd likely use my one chance at a do-over for that. If you'd have asked me two months ago, I would have asked to have gone back six or so months.

But not today, nor do I imagine tomorrow. Sure, I miss her/what we had/what I thought we had/whatever, and sure, I'm lonely again, but I've already recovered and I'm basically fine. I think I'm stronger than I think I am, if that makes sense, and I shudder to consider what event will be the one from whence I won't be able to bounce back. Ask me again on that day, and I'll have an answer for you.

For now, I think back to what Garth Ennis wrote in HELLBLAZER: DANGEROUS HABITS, something that's likely going to stay with me for a long, long time: "Regrets aren't worth a bugger."

EDIT:

...

Oh, wait, you mean an event *period*, not just in my life? Oh, shit. Um... er... kick Hitler in the balls? Let's go with kick Hitler in the balls. Just while Leni Riefenstahl is filming TRIUMPH OF THE WILL, so I'll be a movie star at the same time.

If I think of something better, I'll say that instead.

4. If you had to read one comic book for the rest of your life, what would it be?

You want a book that's substantive and rich enough to reread over and over again, but you don't want something that'll kill your soul either. So, like, FROM HELL is out, as, to a lesser extent, is WATCHMEN.

My choice--and I need to reread it to verify if it's what I'd really want--is Dave McKean's CAGES. Huge, expansive, gorgeously rendered, heartbreaking, joyous, and beautiful. That's how I remember it, and it's still one of my favorites. But again, I need to reread it; it might today come off as art-movie pretentious.

5. How'd it get burned? How'd it getburned? How'ditgetburned!!!?

Wait, what is that? What do you have? Wha... nuhh... no! NOOO! NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEEEEEEES!!!! Augh my eyes, they're in my eyes! Abluhahbluhahabluah! Abluhahbluhahabluah! *spit* *spit*

or...

bear bear bear bear bear bear PUNCH!

Comments

[marred82.livejournal.com]

No, you got #3 right the first time. Although kicking Hitler in the balls is both humorous and patriotic.

NIIIIICEEEE on #5.

not at all true..but funny

[gnort.livejournal.com]

There is an alternate take on that scene where Nic Cage dresses up like a donkey.

[marred82.livejournal.com]

Hefnerian (adj.) - pertaining to a situation, event, or story that seems positive and joyous, but has elements of or becomes depressing and meloncholic, causing the joyous aspects to be dulled, all interlaced with humor.

Example: Jimmy got a dog for Christmas, but it's legs fell off after 10 minutes. Jimmy called him Lucky.