giggity giggity goo

[thehefner]

kali921 recently told me that she firmly believed I had the "Hefner" mack in me somewhere, the playboy, that ladies man of not just Hef himself, but of my father. She believes that I absolutely have it in me, but it's just dormant right now, someday to be unleashed.

The thing is, I just know exactly what's gonna happen. I do.

I'll have some unbelievably sexy lass in my room-- the lights off, candles lit, Al Green on the stereo, fresh cocktails made for each of us-- and this girl will be classy, too, classier than any centerfold, but fiery, and she'll be curled on my bed, ready, willing, and wearing nothing but a smile... that's when I'll look her right in the eyes with a sly, lustful wink, and whisper, "Hey baby... after this, you wanna watch RAVENOUS?

"... What? What's wrong? I said 'after'!"

Because you see, even though I don't exactly want to be like Hugh or Dad, I still may truly earn the family name some day. Misty has said that I'm the most romantic person she's ever known. Tammy has said that what I did at Birthday Ball was still the most sweeping gesture she's ever been given. So yes, I may well have the Hefner in me after all.

But at the end of the day, I think the Heffie will far outweigh the Hefner.

So whaddya say, hot stuff? Howzabout we get into THE NINTH CONFIGURATION, if you know what I mean.

Comments

hEH.

[slaversbane.livejournal.com]

We already chatted on this Saturday night. and I stand by my position.

[kali921.livejournal.com]

THANK YOU!

Now I can Metaquote you for saying this!

It will happen, my dear. The Hefner Factor - like the X factor - lays dormant until some critical event catalyzes its activation. I'm sure that yours will manifest its unholy powers soon.

Re: hEH.

[kali921.livejournal.com]

We already chatted on this Saturday night. and I stand by my position.

HAHAHAHAH! With context, that sounds so dirty.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

AWESOME! Say, while you do, could you mention The Hefner Monologues, which I'll be performing in July here in DC? Since you'll be mentioning how I'm related to Hugh and everything already, so people will know that I actually am a HEFNER.

Re: hEH.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

It's Paul. It's ALWAYS dirty, damn the context!

Re: hEH.

[slaversbane.livejournal.com]

I try to be clean...but inevitably find myself telling him to be a bastard like myself. sometimes he listens, and another H-monologue is born!!

[heleneotroy.livejournal.com]

Hey, scarydavedc is DJing at Midnight this Saturday. You should come and hang out. I promise that I won't be nearly as drunk as I was the last time you came to Midnight. And you can practice gettin' yer mack on. ;)

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Oh hey, I'm tempted, but I dunno... I can't meet anyone at those kinds of clubs. Everyone goes to goth clubs to be alone; I'd never before seen an entire room full of people, being alone, together. I think macks are looked down upon as it is, even if I had mackabilities. That said, if I could be introduced around to some cute girls, I might be better inclined.

Otherwise, I'd rather hang with you guys in a place where I can easier hold a conversation.

[heleneotroy.livejournal.com]

While I don't think I can introduce you to any single chicks who might go home with you (the ones who would I wouldn't recommend), I can introduce you to non-single chicks who enjoying flirting as pastime.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

The ones who would I wouldn't recommend

God, and ain't that just the bitter truth of it? Sexually, it's almost like "I wouldn't want to join a club that'd have someone like me for a member." Not exactly, but close to.

[heleneotroy.livejournal.com]

Alternatively (or also, depending on your mood), you can accompany us to the world's largest pot luck barbeque on Sunday. Far lower on the "people being alone" factor.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Whenabouts? I don't believe I'll be working Sunday, but just in case, let me know. That could be great. I like food AND conversation more than loud music and serious flailing.

[heleneotroy.livejournal.com]

Dave's friend Amir holds his Amir-B-Q every summer. He provides meat and drink, and everyone else brings . . . well, everything else. I've never been to one, but I'm told he gets something like 100 people attending. Its in a public park somewhere in Rockville, although I'm not sure which one. Carpooling can be arranged.

[heleneotroy.livejournal.com]

Hey, I'd take you home. You're cute! Cept', well, you know, that Dave guy . . . :P

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

and she IS that kinda girl that ya wouldnt recommend!

/ducks

wait a minute...

[mirthical.livejournal.com]

I think you pulled this one on me, except you got the order backwards.

Fuzzy, if it doesn't work on your classy gal, then what the hell's the point?

[little-dinosaur.livejournal.com]

I see nothing wrong with any of that.

Also, it's not dormant, it's just aimed at a niche audience that's rather difficult to meet socially. But it's totally there.

Re: wait a minute...

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Well, that's my point. This is the inverse of what I am now, but you no matter what order they come in, at some point I'm gonna try to spring RAVENOUS on the girl!

Also Bloo? Girls who go out with me for my Heffiness are decidedly few and far between. Remember, you and I may never have gone out at ALL had we not met the way we did, from the personals. If we knew each other in person first, or through mutual friends or at college or whatever, do you think we would have thought to have gone out? I'm genuinely wondering. Because remember, we were both refreshing for one another.

Also, if what doesn't work on the classy gal? The Hefner suave or the Heffie geek?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Y'know, I don't see anything wrong with it either. Still, it can kinda be bothersome on lonesome nights, or depressing situations where you really do just want someone to hold.

And yeah, that actually sounds like a pretty accurate way to sum it up. Me like!

[little-dinosaur.livejournal.com]

Oh, I hear you on that. Except don't tell anybody or you'll ruin my reputation.

[adaptor.livejournal.com]

Sounds like something I'd do. 'Oh, yeah, baby. Quote that West Wing... Ack! Not after season four! What were you thinking???'

My 'and then after...' line would probably be for Hunt for Red October. This may explain the lack of gents in my life lately. 'Sure I'll sleep with *you* but after could I have a little Sam Neill? I promise I'll be thinking of you the whole time!'

[fiveseconddelay.livejournal.com]

I'm having...an origin!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

hahahaha.

Tom Clancy, oh noes! Some day, remind me to tell you the story about how my girlfriend left me for the son of Tom Clancy. She chose a Clancy over a Hefner! Guns over bunnies!

At least this gives me an excuse for this icon. As if there's EVER a bad time for it.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Good thing you're pen pals with a strange Yank who may or may not be fifteen ducks in a trenchcoat.

/sorry, Bloo, when it works, it works. (assuming she'll even read this far down)

You can confide all manner of wacky things in me, and all you'll have to worry about is me putting you in a book! Don't worry, I'll change your name to Bamara Bleibner.

[adaptor.livejournal.com]

No, there's never a bad time for that icon!

(Did I ever tell you about how I saw that movie in Tanzania? Not much of a story, but it will always stand out a bit more in my mind because of it.)

A Clancy over a Hefner? So what, she'd rather look at diagrams of tools than the actual equipment?

HEY!

[heleneotroy.livejournal.com]

You're not supposed to know stuff like that about me! :P
Have you been talking to chai_tease about me? That woman has far too much blackmail material about me.

[pokeyburro.livejournal.com]

Well, at least we know that if you see black goo in your clothes closet, you should buy a different shirt.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Hell with that. I'll get to bang Ron Howard's daughter AND inherit sweet dance moves!

[pokeyburro.livejournal.com]

With great dance moves comes a not-so-great hair style.

[little-dinosaur.livejournal.com]

Definitely a good thing. But wait, may not be?

That's good, and I do, and I do not worry about it. But you are so not allowed to change my name if you should feel the need to novelize me. Unless it's to "Batman".

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Hey Batman, has my thing not yet gotten to you? I sent it off last Tuesday, but I have no idea how long it takes to send something to Mon-tree-awwll.

[little-dinosaur.livejournal.com]

Just got it when I got back from work today! So wonderful. I am very impressed. It did not have a salamander sticker, so I guess that not all real mail has to have them. Seriously, the cartoon is so great. SO great. They're all expressive and action-packed! I put it in a frame, even, to protect it from my disorderly ways. Now they're hanging out next to Nick Fury and totally destroying his superspy mystique.
This totally raises the bar. My next trick will have to be quite something. I'll check out the music later tonight, but for now I'm still giggling at Bub.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Were the words legible enough?

I'm working to ink a copy I made of it to post in LJ eventually. My inking skills leave a lot to be desired. As you can tell, I'm a frustrated cartoonist, but I'm pretty happy with how that turned out. I'm so, So glad you dug it.

Destroying the superspy mystique?? Johnny Go is all tuxes, martinis, and cool, baby! Also, Bub's in the military! It works!

I'm also happy with the Bub expressions on the bottom, and I think you liked them too. That said, I have to wonder what the heck Bub can, y'know, *do* in the stories. Johnny's the far more active one, while Bub just kinda watches in dog-like puzzlement and occasionally bursts into zombie rage and shoots somebody.

Actually, my friend fiveseconddelay (Alan from Alan and Rachel's wedding in THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES) summed up Bub's relationship to Johnny perfectly: "He's his enabler."

Also, if you want the playlist for the three CDs, I'll have to dig up the LJ entry I did a couple weeks back.

Re: HEY!

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

we may both be married now, but we can smell our own.

i am far better behaved than i once was.

[little-dinosaur.livejournal.com]

They were maybe a little cramped to be the official version, but I didn't have a problem reading it.

Yeah, I didn't know about this cartooning thing, but it's obvious from looking at them. You really do get everywhere.

The problem is that they keep tiptoeing around, humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible". Nick Fury doesn't appreciate that. Plus, Bub does a very unflattering impression of him.

I think Bub's what makes the stories work. Bub is Johnny's audience, and since Johnny's style of talking is audience-banter, which is very clear on providing both sides of the conversation yourself, he works perfectly. Plus, Bub occasionally throws him off, which is even better. The fact that his face is so expressive means he doesn't even need to talk. He's the perfect sidekick: a cross between the straight man and a thinking-brain dog (if you haven't read any Discworld, that will be a less colourful simile).
Ha. That's spot-on.

Already did!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Cramped, eh? Hmm, mayhaps I should think about just typing the lettering in when I scan it later today or tomorrow, fully-inked (with a bic pen, lest you think I'm being fancy).

Yeah, I didn't know about this cartooning thing, but it's obvious from looking at them. You really do get everywhere.

I just never had the patience to learn perspective, consistent form, or, well, anything other than facial expressions and sometimes body language. It's the ham actor in me, I guess. Art proved too frustrating to be worth the trouble.

But now what you're saying only confirms my fears that Bub and Johnny just HAVE to be a comic, or some other visual medium. Prose just ain't gonna sell Bub himself. In pure text, he'll be invisible, especially next to Johnny. Shit shit shit.

As for your assessment of Bub and Johnny's dynamic: great! OK, then it works. I don't have to worry so much about that, then.

Now that visual of Bub and Johnny harassing Nick Fury amuses me endlessly. They really are such characters that apply to most any visual. "Bub and Johnny in BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY! Go!" or Bub and Johnny in WAITING FOR GODOT:

"Hey guys, it's me! Godot! How's it hangin'?"

"...!"

"Nah, I'm just screwin' with ya. Hm, nice digs. There a mini-bar around here?"

[erzebetbathory.livejournal.com]

;)

why, hello stranger

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

... and all of a sudden, I wish you were online.