I'M THE HORNIEST MUTHAFUCKA ON THE ROAD!

[thehefner]

So here's what made my 25th birthday extra special.

I'm at the comic shop, feeling lethargic and blah, hardly ready for a slow Monday working on my birthday. I know that once I get off work, nothing special will be happening since so many restaurants are closed on Monday. Mega-lame.

Anyway, I get a phone call from a woman looking for the DAUGHTERS OF THE DRAGON trade paperback. If you're not familiar with the characters, wikipedia's got your back. So I searched around the store, knowing we had a copy in the system, but failing to locate the book. I went back to the woman and told her that we could order it in by next Monday or Wednesday, but she said she was only in town for the week.

"Okay," I said, "well, leave your name and number, and if we find it, we'll call you up pronto."

And so she did, giving me her number first, and then her name. "Tracie with an i-e..." And I'm thinking, you kids with your unconventional name spellings..., and then she told me her last name. She pronounced it as "Toms," but somehow, I instinctively knew that it was "Thoms."

"Tracie Thoms, T-H-O-M-S, is that correct?"

A touch surprised, she said, "Uh, yeah, actually!"

"All right, Tracie, we'll call you if you find it, and good luck tracking it down!"

It was only two hours later that it finally hit me. I'd thought maybe I'd known her as one of our older customers or something, but no, idiot, I knew where I heard that name. A google search confirmed it. Holy. Fuck.

What's amazing about Tracie Thoms is how, even though she's not super-famous and even though her body of work is relatively small, most everyone has likely seen and remembers her in something. Her projects have hit a wide variety of audiences, and she's always a stand-out in anything she does, whether it's RENT, COLD CASE, WONDERFALLS, THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA (I'm guessing, as I haven't and will never see it), and of course, DEATH PROOF.

But the woman on the phone didn't sound like Tracie Thoms the actress. Then again, I wasn't paying attention, and phone voices are always off a bit. But if it's really her, why would she want to read DAUGHTERS OF THE DRAGON? Oh shit, Misty Knight. What if it's research for a role? Oh fuck! Even if it's not her, she'd be fucking perfect as Misty (or so I'd think, not being as well-versed in IRON FIST as I'd like). But what if it *is* her...?



So I waited until the day was over and the store was closed to call her up.

"Hello?"

"Hey Tracie, it's John from Big Planet Comics."

"Oh, hey!"

"Hey there. Listen, I never did find DAUGHTERS OF THE DRAGON, even though we're supposed to have it. So if you can find it elsewhere, I say go for it."

"That's cool, I'm just on my way to--what's this place called?--Fantom Comics, to see if they have it."

"Oh, rock, the guys are Fantom are totally cool," and I meant it. They're competitors, but they don't intrude on any of our stories, and we've often referred customers to each other's stores. Cool guys all around. "Hopefully they'll be able to hook you up."

"Great!"

"Yeah. Hey, weird question, are you an actress?"

(beat) "Yes, I am."

"So you're the Tracie Thoms?"

Perhaps unused to having "the" placed before her name, I imagine she smiled as she said, "Yes, I am."

"Wow. Um. Okay. DEATH PROOF was fucking brilliant."

"Ha! Thank you!"

"No, I'm serious, I loved all of GRINDHOUSE, but DEATH PROOF was what made me want to see it again and again. It was the meat, substance, and soul of the whole affair, and you were an absolute blast in it."

She said, "You have no idea how much that means to me," but I could hazard a guess. It still blows my mind and breaks my heart how GRINDHOUSE flopped. But even within that flop, among those who have seen it, DEATH PROOF remains a deeply controversial film. I hadn't even seen the DVD extended cut, but based on the theatrical cut, I thought it was a goddamn excellent film, one of Tarantino's best and most mature. But because it wasn't what people were expecting (you could almost hear the audience whine, in a Milhouse-ian manner, "When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory?!), many dismissed it as painfully tedious. I've spent many a conversation defending the merits of this under-appreciated film.

Anyway, my point is, Tracie and I proceeded to talk for the next fifteen minutes, although most of it is a giddy blur by now. I probably racked up my store's long distance charges a few bucks, as this was her out-of-town cell phone. I do recall that I was right on the money about researching Misty Knight, as a friend of hers is trying to propose DAUGHTERS OF THE DRAGON to Miramax with her in the lead. Eventually, I said, "Man, now I'm really sorry I couldn't find that book."

"Hmmm... tell you what. Do you have OCCULT CRIMES TASKFORCE?" Which would be the comic written by her friend and GRINDHOUSE/RENT co-star Rosario Dawson... another book, I confessed, we did not possess. She said, "Well damn, that would given me a good excuse to come down there!"

With that little giddy gauntlet thrown down in my mind, I raced around the store, searching for an idea. Then it hit me: THE IMMORTAL IRON FIST. Misty and Colleen both show up prominently in that series, and it's an utterly kick-ass read anyway, so I ran that proposal by her to see if it'd catch her interest.

Come that Wednesday, Tracie Thoms entered my humble comic book shop.

I was afraid that it would be too busy for us to really converse, Wednesdays being insane and that day particularly being gorgeous... but miraculously, the store was actually empty for the entire half hour she spent in there. She bought not just all the IRON FIST issues I'd put aside (the ones featuring Misty in particular), but also a BUFFY coffee table book and the first collection of Joss' BUFFY run (don't worry, true believers, I kept my damn trap shut).

She did the majority of the talking, spinning off all these behind-the-scenes tidbits and anecdotes of DEATH PROOF's production, from Quentin pushing her to do that dorky-creepy laugh to what really caused the natural delivery of "Did you just hit a boat?", to reenacting a whole stream of ad-libbed taunts against Stuntman Mike: "THAT'S RIGHT, MUTHAFUCKA, YOU THOUGHT I WAS GONE, BUT WE BACK, MUTHAFUCKA, WE BACK, I'M GONNA BUST A NUT UP IN THAT SWEET ASS, TAPPIN' THAT ASS, TAPPIN' THAT ASS, TAPPIN'A TAPPIN'A TAPPIN' THAT ASS, AW, BITCH, YOU GONNA BUY MY MUTHAFUCKIN' BREAKFAST, I'M THE HORNIEST MUTHAFUCKA ON THE ROAD!!!"

So, yeah. That was the surreal highlight of my week.

Before she headed out, we exchanged MySpace info with the hopes (on my part) that we could see one another again when I brought THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES to Los Angeles. I'd have liked to have asked her out for coffee, just as friends, but the feeling just wasn't there, so I lost my nerve.

We said our goodbyes, and then she was off to perform at the Kennedy Center that evening. She was in town as a last-minute addition to the cast of GEM OF THE OCEAN, part of the Kennedy Center's month-long August Wilson retrospective. While I didn't care for Wilson's FENCES when we read it in college, and while I'd heard not-so-great things about GEM's recent production at Arena Stage, I told her I'd try to make the Saturday performance. She said, "okay," in a bland way that sounded like she was used to empty casual promises.

And in truth, I wasn't entirely sure I was going to go at all. Even besides the iffy reputation of GEM OF THE OCEAN, the show was $65.00, which is more than I'm generally willing to spend for non-Broadway shows. But Mom gave me that magic excuse, "it's for your education," that allowed me to plunk down that cash with less regret.

The show turned out to be damn good, which I credit to the simple fact that it's a mostly-Broadway cast and NOT Arena Stage, and Tracie herself was unsurprisingly a standout. A great understated role for her, but it also gave her an opportunity to sing, which RENT fans will understand was doubly a treat.

But even besides her, there were two surprise bonuses awaiting me yesterday. The first was that GEM OF THE OCEAN also starred Anthony Chisholm, whom I know as grizzled badass Burr Redding from OZ. I didn't realize he'd originated this role! Awesome! And the other surprise came not from the show itself, but rather one of my fellow patrons.

Lou. Gossett. Motherfuckin'. JUNIOR.

I strongly resisted the urge to say either, ala Peter Griffin, "I love you, Lou Gossett Jr.!" or "That motherfuckin' shark ate your ass! In 3-D!!!" But as fishymcb observed, "you don't want your headstone to read, 'Skull Crushed by Lou Gossett Jr.'" Or do I...?

I waited around the stage entrance after the show, hoping to meet up with Tracie one more time and ask if it'd be okay to blog about the whole experience. I had a book with me (always be prepared!), so I didn't mind waiting the half-hour, but she never showed, apparently having slipped out another way. It's fine, though; I've waited for enough autographs in my day to know it's never a sure bet. And besides, I feared that I'd already come close to wearing out my welcome in the comic shop. No point trying to push things beyond what they were, y'know?

I headed back to lounge at home, only to discover DEATH PROOF was on Starz (dear lord, how I hate that network's name). The extended cut! I'd put off watching it because I feared it wouldn't be the same without the entire GRINDHOUSE experience (both films, plus trailers, seen on the big screen with a packed and receptive house), and I'd also heard that it suffered from DONNIE DARKO syndrome, in that the edited version was superior to the actual director's cut.

Honestly, I think DEATH PROOF works even better extended and on its own. Without the build-up and the constant grab-your-balls camp awesomeness of the trailers and PLANET TERROR, it really just plays beautifully, letting the story just unfold without any pressure to "go somewhere" with it all. It's a film almost entirely about character, and if you can just sit back and chill with it, it's incredibly rewarding.

So I figured, what the hell, I'd write to Tracie's MySpace to tell her I loved GEM OF THE OCEAN, to ask if it'd be cool to blog about our meeting, and that I'd finally seen and loved the extended DEATH PROOF. I had to write to her comments section because her MySpace messages are down.

This morning, I hopped on the internet to find this comment from Tracie waiting for me on my MySpace page:

Wow! Thank you so much for coming!!!! I'm so sorry I missed you! Of course it's okay to blog about it all...I'm so flattered. I can't wait to read all the books, and I'll let you know what I think! Talk soon, and thank you again!!!

Exceedingly cool. Here's hoping we see DAUGHTERS OF THE DRAGON with Tracie Thoms as Misty Knight one of these days. She'd kick fifteen kinds of Hydra ass in that role. And here's hoping furthermore that this won't be the last time I'll have met up with this awesome gal. Looks like I'm gonna have to start watching COLD CASE.

What an awesome way to end my last couple weeks at Big Planet, not to mention my Silver Jubilee.

Comments

[cisic.livejournal.com]

That is remarkably awesome!

I'm jealous that you made it to one of the readings. I would really love to, but if I have to lay out that much money for a play, I think I'm going to go with A Little Night Music in Baltimore starring Barbara Walsh.

I actually saw Gem of the Ocean on Broadway and at Arena Stage. First of all, it is a very difficult play to stage. But I thought Arena acquited themselves well. I was expecting it not to hold up since I saw a brilliant Phylicia Rashaad on Broadway, but the cast at Arena was pretty strong.

Anthony Chisolm is actually one of this country's leading August Wilson actors.

I listen to a podcast called Everything Acting, and one of the hosts is in the readings at the Kennedy Center, another reason I wanted to make it to one. (Plus, I would really like to know all of Wilson's work). But like I said, I think Night Music has taken the money that was going to buy an August Wilson ticket.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Chances are I'd be right there with you with A LITTLE NIGHT MUSIC over this.

Yeah, it's a heck of a ticket for just one show. If the shows were cheaper, I'd try to see a few of the other. Harry Lennix, Aaron the Moor himself, is doing a couple shows! Gah! So tempting!

Plus, I'd like to see Lou Gossett Jr. do FENCES, just so I could see a well-done live production. The script alone did little for me.

[fragmentedsky.livejournal.com]

I AM SO JEALOUS OF YOU.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I forget, you've never seen DEATH PROOF, have you? Totally worth your checking out. Because when you showed me WONDERFALLS, I was all, "Hey, Tracie Thoms, awesome!" and I think you were, *shrug?*

[fragmentedsky.livejournal.com]

It wasn't so much shrug as - well, I loved her in Wonderfalls but I loved everyone in Wonderfalls. And since I didn't know she'd been in Death Proof (since yes, so far I've only seen Planet Terror, bad me) I wasn't sure what you'd've seen her in aside from Rent.

...I have no idea what that icon is from but it totally cracks me up.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I actually haven't seen RENT all the way through. Let's just say it's not my style of musical.

Ah! It's from THE VENTURE BROS, a show which you, you especially, have got got GOT to see.

[fragmentedsky.livejournal.com]

My dirty little secret is that while it should be mine (you know how I am about musicals I can learn all the words to for the purposes of breaking into song at random intervals and then having people tell me to shut up) I haven't seen it all the way through yet either. I've seen parts, but even though everyone tells me it's fantastic, and even though I adore several of the cast, there's always something higher on my list. That may change when some friend finally kidnaps me and makes me watch it, but in the meantime, I couldn't tell you much more than that.

Me, me especially? You spark my interest. Why me especially?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

It's hard to say. Just, based on all we've talked about and your tastes, sitting you down with season one and just going from the start would be a damn good idea. I dare say it's my favorite thing on all of adult swim.

[fragmentedsky.livejournal.com]

Good enough reason for me.

[tompurdue.livejournal.com]

Loved loved LOVED her in Wonderfalls.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I wanna give the show more of a shot. I watched the first episode and had a hard time with it because I frankly hated the main character. It was like Fuller's DEAD LIKE ME all over again, which I liked the enough to put up with that character the first time around. If I have a style that really turns me off, it's glib snark. But I still want to see another couple episodes, to give it a fair shake.

[tompurdue.livejournal.com]

It is all glib snark. Sweet glib snark, actually. Definitely a chick flick. I like a good chick flick.

Dead Like Me didn't have the same sweetness, and I think that's why it didn't really click for me.

[holli.livejournal.com]

Oh, awesome! I am SUPER JEALOUS, but also really happy that something this cool happened to you.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Did you see DEATH PROOF? I swear, watching the uncut version last night, I was thinking, "Wow, this might be the only Tarantino film that I could show Holli."

[skalja.livejournal.com]

She was totally the best part of RENT, and wow, what a great Misty Knight she'd be! Crossing my fingers.

And I was already planning to see Wonderfalls (sorry, I believe you that Death Proof is good, but I'm reaaaally not suited for that kind of film), but this shoves it really high up the to-watch list.

What an experience! Congratulations. And happy birthday!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

The question this raises is "What kind of film do you think DEATH PROOF is?"

I'm betting huge that it's not what you think it is at all. Which was one of the reasons it frustrated many.

[skalja.livejournal.com]

Well, 1/2 of Grindhouse, so ... violent exploitation film, albeit intelligent one because it's by Tarantino?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

That's exactly what you'd think, and exactly what many audiences were giddily expecting.

Instead, what they got was about... a ten-minute car chase at the end, ten seconds of shocking graphic violence, and the rest of the two hours spent entirely on girls just... talking. Two sets of young women in each half of the film, talking and bantering, serving absolutely zero plot development or having no explicit purpose, just building character.

The violent exploitation stuff literally lasts about ten seconds, and the car chase stuff is only at the very end. The rest of this film is just banter. Just these women being women in their normal, everyday lives. It's a slow, slow, did I mention slow buildup to the middle of the film, when you get those ten seconds, and then we get a whole new group of women for another slow, slow buildup to the car chase.

If you're expecting a violent exploitation film, you're left scratching your head, frustrated like a cave man with a cell phone.

I honestly don't even know how to classify this film. I truly don't. A good 45 minutes of the film is dedicated solely to Zoe Bell, Tracie Thoms, Rosario Dawson, and Mary Elizabeth Winstead just talking while driving, then talking at a diner, and then talking some more in a new car.

And I don't suppose I'm making it sound any more attractive in this way either, but trust me, it's so worth checking out. ESPECIALLY if you like Tracie Thoms. If you're averse to graphic violence, then I'd say close your eyes or skip entirely the scene where Kurt Russell starts to go evil on Rose McGowan and turns on the girls. Just skip a few minutes and go right to the hospital.

From that point on, it's no more violent than an issue of Spider-Man. You'll be absolutely fine.

[skalja.livejournal.com]

Hunh! That sounds intriguing.

I'd definitely have to be in a certain mood to see it, I think, but it sounds much more manageable than what I was imagining.

Thanks :).

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

If you do--and I hope you do--let me know what you think!

Again, those ten seconds are extremely intense (which happen a couple minutes after the scene with Rose McGowan, which is also shocking and intense, so you may want to skip that as well), so that's the only thing I'd warn against.

The whole movie is all about character study, with a slow-burn build-up happening underneath so subtly that you tend to forget it's happening at all.

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

My review of it was the best.

I > ALL.

OK, seriously...

[american-arcane.livejournal.com]

...that's pretty damn cool.

Never ceases to amaze me who you can run into in this town.

Re: OK, seriously...

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

It ain't New York or L.A., where they're all over the place, but DC has its moments.

[jellied.livejournal.com]

Lucky you.

I spent my weekend playing Rock Band at a coworker's house, and putting together a trivia team for Wednesday. Because this is the first time that all of us have a free night. I think we might be the Legion of Disgruntled Employees--

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Aww man, Rock Band looks totally boss (I never say "boss," but it seems to fit here). I long to play drums on "In The Air Tonight." It'd just be me sitting there for three minutes until DUH-DUN DUH-DUN DUH-DUN DUH-DUH DUN-DUN!

Ooo! Will you form your own Darth-Vader-helmet headquarters in a swamp somewhere?

[jellied.livejournal.com]

One can only hope. Though I fail to see how I can make a Cheetah-costume in such a short of amount of time unless I tie my cat to my chest with an absurd amount of string.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

The visual is beautiful. Best makeshift costume ever? It's a contender.

[jellied.livejournal.com]

Btw, I'm adding Brendon Small from your Myspace friends list--

And trying to not feel bad everytime I hear someone talk about derby or see amazing photos of a bout.
http://community.livejournal.com/co_springs/703661.html

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Okeedoke. May his addition serve you better than it has me.

And I forget, why did you stop? Not to make you feel worse or anything.

[jellied.livejournal.com]

I quit because at the time I was three months from graduating with my BA, working two part-time jobs, skating 3 times a week, and I think still interning at the museum. I quit to focus on academics.

Now I'm down to one part-time job, no hobbies-- and with no prospects. I miss it. And I like that my team is winning bouts (though I wish they would kindly fall apart without me), and I really miss hanging out with 2 or 3 of my girls-- I just don't think I can hang with the rest of those bitches. Seriously. They're a little cunty.

And geez, I hope so. Homeboy's too short for me though.

[lairdofdarkness.livejournal.com]

When the Monday morning blues hit me and I really want to be at home with my cats, reading your posts actually make me smile.
Hef, that was brilliant
I will actually have to watch Death Proof now - I was going to wait until I had planet terror on DVd (coming out over here soon) to try and recreate the whole GH experience - however I think this post has pushed me into just going for it.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Thankya, pally!

Sadly, you won't get the whole GH experience, partially because it has to be seen on the big screen with a crowd, but also because neither DVDs have the fake trailers! They have Rodriguez's brilliant MACHETE trailer, but they don't have the ones by Rob Zombie, Edgar Wright, nor Eli Roth! Ugh! It's such a crime.

But when you do see PT and DP, please let me know what you think! PT is a crowd-pleasing silly over-the-top film, totally critic-proof because it is what it is, so I have no doubts you'll dig that. DP is much tougher (read my description in my response to rabican above).

[wendywoowho.livejournal.com]

That? FUCKING ROCKS!!!

She's a delight to watch.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Ain't she, though? I love how virtually everybody I know has seen and liked her in something.

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

I tried to convince you. ;)

Regardless, it all seems to have turned out well.

Also, I have now seen both extended cuts. Good stuff.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I haven't seen the extended PLANET TERROR yet, but as it's playing on Starz, I just might get the chance. I was damn well surprised by how thoroughly I enjoyed the extended DEATH PROOF, as most people I know hadn't, saying it was better in its edited version. I may have to show it to Edd when he comes back in a few weeks.

[gore-whore-5.livejournal.com]

.

I just creamed my pants. You lucky son of a bitch, you.