on the cusp of a sure-to-be-eventful month and a half...

[thehefner]

Every so often, I find another friend or acquaintance who is worried that he/she might end up in some future Hefner Monologue.

Currently, I theorize that such folks are either deeply insecure, don't know what my stories are really like, or think they're actually important enough that I'd even want to involve their puny little lives in my awesome, awesome monologues.



It's my last night as a lonely boy on the road for the next month and a half. Here's where it's really gonna get interesting.

Comments

[bagelofdeath.livejournal.com]

I already assume I have 4 minutes in a monologue, to become 8 when you visit Montreal. That's how important I know myself to be.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you're not involved in any actual drama (not yet anyway, moo hoo ah ha). I imagine you'd probably be like my Girlfriend in Canada (the ironic one in Montreal), there to provide responses to the drama with wit and/or snark.

[little-dinosaur.livejournal.com]

Hey, are you a fellow member of the Montreal chapter of the John Hefner fan club? Because if so, that's awesome. My people will call your people and add you on lj.

[bagelofdeath.livejournal.com]

I am indeed! I'll tell my people to await your call.

[little-dinosaur.livejournal.com]

Wait, you do Abe & Kroenen? I'm in your fan club too! Hahaha. Nice to meet you. I'm Samara.

[bagelofdeath.livejournal.com]

Hey, seriously?! Oh man! That's awesome you know of it.

Hi! Kim! And I have been swearing to update my journal since the summer. I'm always embarrassed to add people when I haven't updated; it's like having guests when you haven't tidied.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I was just thinking, "Man, did I ever actually friend Kim back?! I can't recall ever seeing a post of hers in my f-list!"

Huzzah, my fan club continues to grow! By which I mean, yay, I have a fan club! And a Montreal chapter to boot! I should get t-shirts made. Hell, better yet, maybe now's the time I should finally look into producing that line of official HEFNER MONOLOGUES thongs.

We must all hang out when Sam here finally carries out her threat to get me poutine. With or without thongs.

[whimmydiddle.livejournal.com]

I've never been concerned on that issue, myself...

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

No reason you should be! And honestly, even the people who are worried should never be worried. Lord knows I beat myself up more in these stories than anybody else.

Once I stop being neurotic and self-effacing, *then* they can start worrying! :)

[insaneboingo.livejournal.com]

I'm not even sure why that would be a problem in the first place. And it is fairly pompous to just automatically assume that you're going to talk about these people in the first place. Weird. People are strange.

Hope you're still having a blast!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Heh, well, in fairness, some people are better material than others, as are certain situations. Perhaps I should have clarified "some people" as being some of the female, possibly-to-be-involved-with-me persuasion. Let's face it, relationships are just classic fodder anyway, and with me... well, I can understand the concerns.

[icewolf010.livejournal.com]

*snrk* Neil Simon's most recent wife actually put a "thou shalt not use me for creative fodder" clause like that into their prenup.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Ha! Smart woman!

[cisic.livejournal.com]

I had a friend who saw your show and when I told her I knew you, she asked if I was "Big Red" Ha ha ha.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

hahahaha, oh my god, well, if they were paying attention, that's a hell of a compliment!

[cisic.livejournal.com]

I know! I told her that I did not, in fact, have the perfect ass.

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

Dude, this sounds really arrogant. Just FYI.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Yeah, Laura said something similar. I wasn't sure if I should put up a disclaimer for, "Sorry, I fear highly ironic tone gets lost via LJ sometimes."

I actually said it during a conversation with little_dinosaur, which she liked because it was so randomly anti-me. I'd have thought the utter and crazy non-Heffiness would have been so clear that people wouldn't take it at face value. Certainly I'd have thought the same of you.

But then, I always do underestimate how things can read in the pure written word, without tone or context. I just thought this was funny because it was so pointedly and obviously not something I would really think.

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

Its just that internet problem. Tone doesnt always carry over.

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

Also, dude... Holy Shit!

Thanks for getting involved, and then some. That donation will really help.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Very welcome, pally. Glad I could help.

[leiacat.livejournal.com]

I figure it is not entirely impossible, but not likely to unless our interactions for some reason get a lot more interesting/peculiar than they have thus far. I'm not expecting this to happen, but should a story emerge, it'll want telling.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Well, I already know that one quote of yours will play a factor in my current story, depending on whether or not I'll even be able to ultimately tell it.

But otherwise, yeah, stories have a way of wanting to do that. It's the only way to make sense of this senseless world, to make it up!

[leiacat.livejournal.com]

I admit it, now I'm awfully curious. :)

[kali921.livejournal.com]

Currently, I theorize that such folks are either deeply insecure, don't know what my stories are really like, or think they're actually important enough that I'd even want to involve their puny little lives in my awesome, awesome monologues.

Okay, I'm going to play devil's advocate here, because I find the automatic blanket assumption of 1) arrogance and/or 2) insecurity really problematic.

Have you considered that the reason they are worried is because of a trust issue? As in, a lack of trust in you? That isn't insecurity or arrogance; that's a completely valid emotional response to not wanting intimate details about their lives and/or interactions with you made public. And if they lack trust in you, have you considered that you might want to examine the possibility that your actions and words have produced that distrust?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I should also reiterate that this post was meant to be highly ironic, that I actually don't think this way. Not entirely, anyway.

But that trust issue is an important one to consider, and that's probably at the heart of the issue where they're concerned. That said, I would point out that if they actually understood my stories, heard the stuff I'd tell, they'd know their fears are groundless. I never vilify or "tear down" anybody, and indeed, the only one who really gets beat up is me! Ultimately, if telling a story is going to result in hurting someone I care about, I just don't tell it. I can't. I wish I could, because man, there are some awesome stories out there that I just can't tell, but I don't ever want to hurt anybody.

If only you'd known how angst-ridden and miserable I've been thinking even *this* LJ post caused offense in two of the most important people in my life! Man, sometimes I feel like I could be a much better writer if I were a total asshole who wouldn't think twice about exposing the private lives of loved ones for the sake of a story.

But I'm not. Which is why this post was meant as a joke.

[kali921.livejournal.com]

Aaah, here's where we clearly need one of those "tone sometimes doesn't travel well on the internet" macros. :-)

That said, I would point out that if they actually understood my stories, heard the stuff I'd tell, they'd know their fears are groundless. I never vilify or "tear down" anybody, and indeed, the only one who really gets beat up is me!

Okay, again, I'm going to ask what I think is a very legitimate question: we've been vague internet acquaintances for more than two years, and this is the first time that I've ever heard you talk about how you wouldn't tear down anybody you knew in a version of the Hefner Monologues. I read your LJ fairly regularly and I didn't know this. I can easily imagine, therefore, other people not knowing this as well. And why should someone have to see the Hefner Monologues to know this about you and get the reassurance that they need? Shouldn't you just, you know, tell people when the issue is raised?

You claim this post is ironic, which I believe, but there are people commenting here to the tune of "yeah, those people are totes arrogant," and unless everyone else is in on the irony joke, you're not really disabusing them of the notion that you're kidding, if that makes sense? Why not, if I can ask that question of you? Edit: WHOOPS, I misread someone's comment. This point is retracted!

Also, if memory serves, didn't you have a bit in one of your past monologues where you spoke very negatively about a friend/former friend (sorry, I can't quite remember his relationship to you!), he found out about it and got very upset with you, and you posted about it here to the tune of "How dare he not totally accept how I spoke about him"? Because, again, that's what stayed with me about your attitude towards the people you tell stories about, not the "I'd never want to hurt someone in a monologue" attitude. If you make your primary form of artistic expression datamining from your interactions with people and telling stories about them (and yourself, of course!), it's perfectly valid and perhaps inevitable that some people will put up filters when they talk to you, perhaps throw up walls that weren't there before if they feel that they can't trust you, and to perhaps trust you less overall.

I'm not trying to attack you here, please understand that, but I see some inconsistencies and I want to point them out. I know that you're really sensitive to anything that you perceive as a negative attack, but your art form is talking about people. You're asking people to make a big leap of faith and trust you unconditionally and never expect you to burn them, yet some of the things that you've said and talked about on this journal don't seem quite totally consistent with that. That's all.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I try to tell them, but they don't seem to believe me. So it got to a point where I just gave up and hope that when they see the final product (if it ever gets made, because let's face it, I've got too many to write!) they'll read it for themselves, and if they still have problems, I'll adjust or reject accordingly. If it's that thorny, chances are I won't even write it in the first place.

That other situation you recall was far more complicated than that. Ironically, that one would require a whole story in itself to really hash out! But trust me, if that's the only impression you got from the situation, it's unfortunate. Because it's way more complex than that. If I ever actually did burn somebody I cared about, I'd never forgive myself. And even that whole old situation still sticks in my craw, for several reasons.

But I wasn't aware that it could read that way. It's an important thing I'll need to keep in mind. I guess I just figure that the people I do write about are the ones with whom I have closer, in-person relationships, and are thus also the people I'd hope would know me well enough that I'd have earned that trust. But it's still something I'll keep in mind.

[kali921.livejournal.com]

If I ever actually did burn somebody I cared about, I'd never forgive myself. And even that whole old situation still sticks in my craw, for several reasons.

Okay, so now it's "somebody I care about," not "friends and acquaintances." Can you see how there's kind of a potential problem here?

Maybe you should look at why they don't believe you? I mean, if I was in your position, I definitely would. Again, not an attack, just an observation. If I had more than one person not trusting me with something like this and/or raising the subject, I'd really sit down for some close self-examination on the topic of why they don't trust me, how I'm contributing to the problem, and how I present myself. Just a thought.

Friendship can be ephemeral, and if I knew someone that said "Oh, you're my friend, I'd totes never write about you in the monologues," knowing that friendship can be ephemeral and knowing that you're sensitive, man, I'd be really afraid of waking up one day to find that I'd been arbitrarily put in the "not a friend anymore" camp and then been used as a story point in a monologue. Not everyone enjoys public emotional exhibitionism!

And with that, I bow out.

[little-dinosaur.livejournal.com]

See, it's funny. Because you're being FACETIOUS.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I know, right? What a crazy-pants concept!

[tompurdue.livejournal.com]

I vaguely recall The Onion doing a gag about David Foster Wallace's friends being afraid of ending up in his monologues.

Me, I desperately want to be the subject of a Hefner monologue some day. But if it involves me either (a) dying or (b) having sex with you, I'll pass.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

You'd only be dying if in fact you actually had died, in which case you wouldn't really mind if I blabbed about our hot hot sex that one time!

My point is, I'm plotting to kill you, just for the story. Just, y'know, FYI.