A little observation about my brother Edd and farts

[thehefner]

My brother walked into the kitchen, where I had just finished eating a magnificent Philly Cheesesteak burrito from California Tortilla, and remarked, "... What smells like farts here? It's like... farts and beans!"

Which is ironic, as the Philly Cheesesteak burrito has substituted the usual burrito staple of beans for a heaping helping of pure awesomeness. Not that Edd cared, as he turned his attention to the one and only culprit for the kitchenful of fart-smell.

He asked, "Did... whoa, Johnny-boy, did you fart? Did you do this?"

And after a moment's hesitation, I said, "Yeah. Yeah, that was me. Sorry."

Because here's the thing: this isn't the first time Edd's thought the food I eat smelled, to his food-snobbery nostrils, like poo gas. He takes food very seriously, and in recent years, Edd looking down upon my eating habits has become a national pastime (as he has been doing it to me on either coast). He's been a brutal taste arbiter, and would not hesitate to be a total asshole about what you're eating wrong. That's, of course, only if he really loved you. These days he's learned there's no point wasting that energy, but in some ways, the silent cloud of obvious disapproval is worse. It lets his unspoken judgment run wild in one's imagination, which is especially not-fun if you're as neurotic as me.

So I had a choice to make: lie and confess to an imagined fart, or tell the truth and admit to eating something that smells like farts. Ultimately, it wasn't even a contest. The lie would not only cover my ass--so to speak--but additionally earned the only possible response, said with heartiness and admiration:

"NICE!"

Well, we are brothers, after all. Now if you'll excuse me, I must eat my burritos in peaceful shame.

Comments

[tommx.livejournal.com]

Heffy, I can't make it to your thing on the 18th. Very sorry. I was already scheduled for that day.

I'll see you soon though. You're going to Meatster, yes?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Sadness. No worries. But nope, you won't see me there, as I'll be braving the New York Comic Con this weekend!

Much as I do love friends and dead things, I'm afraid comics and hot ladyfriends win this day.

[tommx.livejournal.com]

Can't argue with comics and hot ladyfriends. Enjoy!

[gnort.livejournal.com]

One thing I've learned watching sitcoms is that in situations like that, it's best to just blame the pet.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Couldn't. At this point, we can tell which are the dog's farts.

[candidgamera.livejournal.com]

You're a master of the written word. You have deftly combined the flatulent subject matter with the phrase "silent cloud of obvious disapproval". I tip my hat to you.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Thankya! Man, I hadn't even intended that wordplay, hahaha. I love those lucky mistakes.

[pokeyburro.livejournal.com]

Your angst puts 1990s X-Men to shame.

Salute.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Oh ouch.

If I start ending every story with either "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" or "JEEAAAAAAAAAAN!" kill me, please.

[beanie-platypus.livejournal.com]

So here's my thing- I am currently editing your book in my spare time, and I'm within about 50 pages of the end. The slow part is getting into computery form for email and detailed commentary. It is indeed happening, but smaller chunks may become the standard for what I can make typeable.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Huzzah! I, meanwhile, have been working to tighten the prose and refine the flow. I've so far given Part One a nice overhaul, reducing a couple whole paragraphs to just one or two lines, and cutting out some of the more boggy passages. So your notes with part two (and onward) will be most welcome when they arrive! Even though I really do have more important things I should be working on at present. ;)