stuff down there

[thehefner]

No, really, TMI.

You were warned.

So for the last... four or so years, I've had kind of an on-again, off-again urinary tract infection sorta thingie. Not a real UTI, I've actually *had* one of those, and of course it was a total blast. It was more like a mini-UTI that would happen every fifth or sixth time I'd ejaculate. It's like a valve somewhere wouldn't get shut all the way and the wires would get crossed, if that makes sense. A few minutes after coming, I'd spend a half-hour to an hour on the can in misery, and then it'd pass, helped if I flush out the system with water and maybe take some Advil or something.

My point is, sex and masturbation have basically been Russian Roulette for the past four years. I'm just lucky I've never had to say to a girlfriend, "Oh baby, you're awesome. Scuze me, I need to go hit the bathroom for the next hour. If you hear any screaming, that's totally normal!"

Except, obviously it wasn't normal. Problem was, after college, I didn't have insurance anymore. We did splurge to see one urologist, but he didn't seem to know nor care what my problem was, he just gave me a prostate exam and antibiotics and kicked me out. The antibiotics did nothing, and as I couldn't afford another appointment (especially if the doctor would be as standoffish and uncaring as this one, particularly toward my mystery ailment) I just suffered.

Now, I've had insurance for the past TWO years. But the problem just didn't seem frequent enough to motivate me to do anything. Eh, what's an occasional horrible burning sensation in the bladder now and again? I no wanna see a doctor! Because for whatever reason, I hate hate HATE doctor's appointments. Actually seeing them isn't so bad, but I loathe making them in the first place. I'm just hard-wired somehow to avoid wanting to set those up. It's probably in the same circuitry as how I completely shut down when faced with even a simple tax form.

I did see another urologist last year, and he did the same useless antibiotics idea plus some leaky-bladder medication, just because it'd be easier to try that before they'd want to stick something up my urethra and look around. This was right before I left for Orlando. By the time I got back and discovered that the problem was still there, I just threw myself into Fringe Festivals and hoped for the best, which is totally the best thing one can do with any medical problem, especially one in the crotch area.

I actually was about to going back to the urologist last Fall, when the situation finally started affecting my sex life. I always just thought I had a low sex drive. If men generally think about sex every six seconds, then for me, it's more like every fourteen seconds. But at the same time, I undoubtedly have a whole bunch of psychological issues tied up in sex, which could also account for the sometimes-tricky nature of getting (and keeping) my motor running in the bedroom. Not that I've had many experiences to really try; only two of my relationships ever included actual penetration sex, and even they were both long-distance relationships so we didn't have that many go-throughs.

But after a recent experiment with something that might have been a lot more enjoyable if my bladder didn't feel like it was filling with lava, coupled with my inability to get it up with another ladyfriend back in December (I chalked that one up to general incompatibility due to poor communication, which goes back to my psychological/trust issues with sex), I began to wonder if maybe this fake-UTI problem really might be directly affecting my sex life too.

But even THAT almost wasn't enough to get me to bite the bullet and see my doctor. Let's face it, I'm not getting any anymore, certainly not at the present. Cut to the chase, I did the surgery two weeks ago. They did a hydrodistension of my bladder, meaning they knocked me out, shoved a tube up my urethra, and filled up my bladder like a balloon to help see if there was anything amiss. In case you're wondering, the next day or so suuuuuuuuuucked.

Turns out I have Interstitial Cystitis (or Painful Bladder Syndrome), a commonly-misdiagnosed problem that's chronic but treatable. I've been taking pills, and they've helped. So far, the gun hasn't gone off in Russian Roulette. I saw the doctor today, he gave me the rundown, and it looks like this will be a problem for a long while but it should be a lot better from now on. So there's that.

Before I left, I asked if the IC in any way affected my sex life. He said no, it doesn't. When I fumblingly said that I was asking because of my bedroom troubles, and that I always sort of chalked it up to having a low sex drive, he paused, gave me an eye, and smiled in a knowing, mischevious way.

As if it was what I was hinting toward all along and he was hip to it, he asked, "Would you like some Viagra?"

...

So I have some Viagra now.

He said just take one-fourth of a pill (will I have to take, like, an ice pick to chip off a corner of blue pill?) considering my age and general health, I have just two pills, but eight doses. A sampler pack for the sampler Hefner.

One way or another, things should hopefully be better (or at least more interesting) down there. But we'll just have to wait and see once I get through this current girl-drought.

Comments

[lonebear.livejournal.com]

That is so fucking Hefnerian as to make ones eyes water.

A Hefner that has that problem and needs medical viagra?
wow!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Well, Hef himself loves Viagra, that's the thing! He even got a gift basket of it at Christmas a couple years ago! He says it's an amazing sexual stimulant, not just a "get it up" pill, and has been a proponent of it for a while now.

But he's an old man, and he's also Hef. I'm... me. And I don't even have a girl to try it out with! So... yyyyyyeah, Hefnerian.

[bagelofdeath.livejournal.com]

When you've got some time between tours and such, please do a Podcast. I did one recently and while I sounded like a moron, I think you could make the world a better place by doing a couple.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

What, you mean stories like this? Or just things in general? I'm pretty much entirely unfamiliar with podcasting (except for THIS AMERICAN LIFE and LAKE WOBEGON stories I download), but I'd be up for learning if you think there'd be an audience I could reach. I've similarly been considering vidblogging as well, but again, that's a whole new world to me.

[bagelofdeath.livejournal.com]

Yes. Stories like this AND things in general. And roundtables so I can take part and talk too much. Vidblogging no, podcasting yes.

[jackolantern.livejournal.com]

If you're limited to such small and precise doses, I'd invest in a pill-cutter. They're basically a razor blade and something to hold the pill securely, but are usually safer than using a bare razor blade and tweezers. Walgreen makes the one that I use; it is a safety model that puts a plastic shield over the blade after you do the cutting.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Actually, as I have problems swallowing certain types of pills, that actually might be a good investment anyway! I'll look into it!

Dear lord, I can just see it now. "Hold on, sexy mamma! Let me just dissect this pill and then we'll get down to uh oh wait I slipped. Honey, can you pick up my thumb and take me to the hospital?"

[tompurdue.livejournal.com]

Yep, I've got a pill splitter, and it works very well. They're cheap, too.

[tompurdue.livejournal.com]

Thing is, Viagra doesn't improve sex drive. It helps you get it up if your blood vessels are getting in the way, but as long as it goes up, the blue pill does nothing.

(It can improve libido if it's impaired by high blood pressure, which can have all sorts of side effects.)

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

And go figure, I've always had excellent blood pressure.

[heykidzcomix.livejournal.com]

You might want to try drinking cranberry juice to help with the cystitis--apparently it's good for more than UTIs, and if the pills aren't totally doing the trick the juice might boost you over the top.

As for the other thing, obviously you just need to meet the Sexiest Girl in the World.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

The doctor didn't say anything about that, but it's certainly worth a go!

But really, that's a winning one-two punch: cranberry juice and Bea Arthur, mmmmm.

[heykidzcomix.livejournal.com]

Lemme help you with that.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

...

Now if I can just get some cranberry juice with some vodka, I'll have Saturday night locked down.

[whimmydiddle.livejournal.com]

Go to the drugstore & get a good pill cutter. We use this one for the cat meds, and it rocks on toast.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Yes'm!

[little-dinosaur.livejournal.com]

Get yourself some real, 100% cranberry juice (not Ocean Spray, not any of that sugary apple-juice crap). It cures everything in that region. Well, not exactly cures, but it'll help. But only if it's real cranberry juice.

And of course, don't worry so much!

And don't try to cut those pills with a knife.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Oh, no, totally. You don't have to tell me twice. I hate that high fructose corn syrupy kind. Bleech. That said, Ocean Spray makes a nice 100% Cranberry Juice sweetened with white cranberry juice, so it's more drinkable than the other real kind. That'll do in a pinch, I'd think, yes?

The only way to keep me from worrying about something is to distract me. And unfortunately, I need no distractions because I'm writing stuff. It's a horrible conundrum.

Diligent citizens have already alerted me to the presence of pill-cutters. But I wasn't gonna use a knife anyway. I was actually considering using one fork prong, and hoping it splits apart in my favor. Pill cutters are much better.

[bagelofdeath.livejournal.com]

I recently bought some concentrated cranberry juice from a cranberry farm. It's a litre bottle of PURE CRANBERRY HORROR. It's a slap in the face. Of berries.

[interdisciple.livejournal.com]

i had a blood-in-urine issue and my first doc, semarjian (sp?), sounded EXACTLY like the first one you described. my second one, dr jonathan hwang, was a complete 180 -- was very cool, listened, explained, went over scans and procedures and possibilities and next steps, etc. would Highly recommend him.

also, yeah, at least you got a hell of a hefnerian story out of it.

finally, exercise -- yoga in particular -- i found really helpful in That sense. being outta shape, not so much with the helpful in that sense. so get thee to a gym and stretch it all out and focus those energies to redirect your love back where it belongs! until then, viagra should help out with your anxiety about it.

(funny, i was having pains down in my pelvic area years ago during said fitness phase, probably coming from stretching too many core and groin muscles too hard and too often, which at times were affecting performance, and the doc gave my 25 year old self a scrip for viagra that i was offended by -- i had an actual problem and he's diving me what?? -- and so i stupidly never filled it. if nothing else, coulda gotten rid of them and made lots of ppl happy! not that i'd ever do that sorta thing... :)

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Yoga just might be what the doctor ordered, metaphorically speaking. I have enough anxiety and stress in my life to be a constant ball of worry, that finally biting the bullet and doing yoga might be the best thing I could do right now.

And oh, no, no of course you'd never do that sort of thing! hahaha, I have this visual of a Rudes' Viagra party. It wouldn't be an orgy, it'd just be us playing Apples to Apples with raging hard-ons.

[interdisciple.livejournal.com]

i meant selling black market pharms as something i'd Never Ever Do, but i guess popping viagra also fits the I'd Never! outrage/shock bill fittingly.

srslytho, yoga +SuperUrologist Jonathan Hwang (hehe) equals just what the dr. ordered.

funny, too, that i was thinking about yoga more on a circulatory and blood/oxygen flow level... and viagra as more an anxiety reliever to get you through the pinch ("SWEET! It still works! I shall never have to worry again!")... and yet you're into yoga as anxiety relief and Rudes Viagra as the bonafide (haha) means to a hard end (or beginning, depending on yr vantage Point, as it were)...

[the-mithril-man.livejournal.com]

All I can hear is Ron White saying "This thing is hard enough to hunt with." Is this story going in the act?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

If I can invoke the only good member of the Blue Collar guys, then huzzah!

It might, depending on how the Viagra gets employed!

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[ernmissprism.livejournal.com]

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[adaptor.livejournal.com]

Not that it's what your show's really about, but I'd almost think you could deduct Viagra for anecdote research purposes.

Glad to hear you're on the mend and being taken seriously by the medical establishment!