State of the Hefner, such as it is

[thehefner]

For the past few weeks, I've kept trying to start writing a post that went, "So things are really fucked right now." The first time I was going to write that was going to be a difficult enough prospect already, since in many ways, I have literally YEARS of pent-up feelings and long-running problems which I haven't been able to articulate here, so I just kind of stopped trying. If I can't put my feelings into the words they need to be in, why bother wasting what little time and energy I have on a muddled, miserable, wallowing post that won't make sense anyway?

But finally, as of a month ago, I had reached that breaking point where I had to write SOMETHING out. And just as I got to work on "So things are really fucked right now..." things got even more fucked. And the fuckery just got worse and worse. Today, just as things were looking like they were improving, they got fucked even WORSE, and after spending an entire day feeling sick and angry and numb and helpless, we find out that, yes, the situation can indeed get even worse than the even worse that it already was as of this morning.

I don't think I can write this out. There's too much history, too much shit, too much... everything, and I'm so rusty with my writing that I cannot find the words to explain even the simplest of problems. I have lost touch with that part of me that could vent everything through words, could take all of the angst and drama and mold it into something of worth here, if not on stage. I feel like I'm trapped in tar, and I'm so tired from the struggle that I don't even have the strengths to try lifting up one arm. Maybe actually writing this post counts.

So I guess this is just me doing my best to check in, say hi, let you all know that things suck right now, but we're still here, we're carrying on, and we're holding out for the time when things improve and will actually stay improved for an extended period of time. Hopefully, I'll be able to find the words again and then this LJ will actually mean something to me once more. Until then, if you've missed your daily dose of Hefner, you can find me at about_faces, my Tumblr, or my Facebook. I'll just keep writing about geek stuff until I can write about myself again.

Comments

[seriousfic.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear that. Hope things get better.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Thanks. They will get better, I know they will. I'm just hoping they won't suck more before that happens.

[whimmydiddle.livejournal.com]

I thought about you just the other day & hoped you were doing well. So very sorry to hear about the fucjery. Will keep my fingers crossed for you. Best wishes.

[thirdbase.livejournal.com]

I'm with her. I too was just thinking about you the other day -- two days in fact.

Hang in there - you're you, so things will a) get better and b) you will find words and humor once again

But being out of practice from writing... holy crap, you've nailed while I can seem to find words anymore. I never thought that being out of practice would do it, but damn. You're absolutely right. I'll be thinking of you.

[mandybling.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry.

[harper-knight.livejournal.com]

Man. I hardly realized I hadn't seen anything from you in so long until I saw this post. But it has been a while, hasn't it?

I hope you pull through. And I look forward to you starting writing here again. I've always enjoyed your posts, you tell a good story, especially when it is true.

[terheyt.livejournal.com]

I'd like to pile on the good wishes train, and hope things get better, but also acknowledge that with some depths of awfulness even when it does get better, it doesn't make the pain of the awful go away. I'm sorry this is that awful.

Just because it might help as a stepping stone, a bit of advice. I find it much easier to talk/write about happenings (which are simple and solid and you can point and say "that"), than to write about meanings and feelings behind those happenings (because what happens inside a person's head is complex and shifting and shaded in emotions for which there aren't any words). Not saying that writing just what happened should be the end of writing, just a good start to try with the what, and leave the whys and hows and what this means until a second draft. Also, I said easier, not easy. From a purely medical perspective, though, the best cure for psychological trauma is to talk about it with a sympathetic audience.

Be nice to yourself for a while, it sounds like you've earned it.

[tompurdue.livejournal.com]

I don't check LJ often these days, but I'm glad I did.

You realize, of course, that we're here to help in any way we possibly can. And I realize that if it were that easy, you'd already have done it. But I like to think that a reminder of it can help, mentally if not in any of the ways that directly address the problems.

[kmousie.livejournal.com]

Sending love and strength your way...you're wonderful. You were one of my first friends here, and you've always made me feel welcome and valued. If there's anything at all I can do, even if it's just to listen, I'm here. ♥

[leiacat.livejournal.com]

Hugs.

[oddityangel.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear things are so hard right now. Hugs if you want them.