stream-of-consciousness quickies

[thehefner]

Interesting Saturday night. On a lotta fronts.

Also, I may have gotten this flu everyone's been talkin' about. Yippee.

COE was that rare example where deviations from Shakespeare text or... ahem... other "liberties" were taken (y'know, basically everything that I hate about the average Michael Kahn-directed Shakespeare play... ok, I'm exaggerating... but not much), but I still loved it. Wonderful, as expected. Sehr amusing.

Alan, you make me cry, and I mean that in the most loving way possible. Which is to say, there is none.

Seeing certain people was alternately shocking, disconcerting, mellowing, and finally ok. Initial heart-pounding unease aside, it was all good. Really. It was nice after I cooled down.

However, I was afterward in not the greatest position when my father called and started to play another game, this time actually laying out all-out threats. "This is going to be bad, John. For you." And I... snapped. Utterly. I said things, things that cannot be unsaid. Did I mean them? Of course I did. Do I regret saying them? God help me, I don't know. I don't know if I even should or not.

And when I think about it, I get so fucking hurt and scared and miserable and what's worse is I know I shouldn't be. I know I have the power, not him. Then why does it hurt so goddamn much? How can he still get to me after all this time? How can he still make me feel like the bad guy?

I don't want anybody to see me in such a position. Not even my closest friends or lovers, past and present included on both fronts. And just my luck, they were all there to see me in all my miserable, torn-apart glory!

More later. Maybe. Meantime, I'll be in bed, sick. And not just with the flu.

Comments

[tazira.livejournal.com]

Oh, babe, I'm so sorry. On all fronts. Particular empathy on "not wanting anyone, no matter how close, to see you that way, and having them all see you that way because of rotten timing."

Been there, just recently. It's an unwanted test of friendship, but a good one nevertheless. No one who loves you will do less than understand that you aren't always perfect, nor is your life. If they love you while you're being funny, charming, bouncing off the walls Heffie, they need to accept the flip side.

And your father needs to stop manipulating you. My mother's parents did/do this too, badly, and she always visibly feels like shit after talking to them. I'm sorrier for you both than I can say.

[tazira.livejournal.com]

Oh, and being in bed sick is my plan today as well. May end up being the case for a couple of us.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I appreciate the kind words and support.

[interdisciple.livejournal.com]

daddy issues suck. welcome to the club.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Ooh, do I get a membership card? If I update my membership to Gold level do I qualify to get the limited edition variant action figures?

[morganashkevron.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
It only sucks because you're a good wonderful person. If you were cruel and heartless it wouldn't matter to you, but then again, you wouldn't matter to us. So it balances. Just remember that for everything that is complete shit in life, there are at least two things that are fantastic and lovely and will listen to all your griping to make up for it - LJ and friends.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Thank you, sincerely.