you were warned; I really need to get this out...

[thehefner]

Well, since I don't have ball cancer, which is good, that means the angst is back. Well, it was never really gone. Just went into remission for awhile. I just really need to get this out. It's a long one, be warned. You know the drill, and I won't hold it against you if you just move along.

How can my mood go for so good... well, ok, at least... crashing down into this? Is it just because I'm tired as hell? I should sleep soon anyway. Looks like we're not going to Nation after all, since I haven't heard back either way. Mom would say I need to get to the gym and exercise more, but I tell you, all that wonderful energy that everyone hypes, exercise does not help me for the simple reason that it doesn't occupy my mind, and that when I work out all I'm thinking about is... what's on my mind.

This sucks, man. Every other goddamn thing reminds me of everything I should not be thinking about, just like last summer. Maybe I really should try talking to people about this shit after all, because when I don't talk about it, it just swirls in my head and I go crazy. No, I mean, nights like this I feel literally crazy. When I'm driving alone, I will occasionally get into conversations, so into them that it'll be about a minute before I realize that I'm talking to no one. I mean, I've always talked to myself. But I've never gotten so into it before. No wait, scratch that, that's not entirely true. I used to do that, but regarding my father.

What do I need? The support of my friends? Yes, I know I have that, but I feel guilty wearing them out. Many of you are understandably frustrated, and hell, I know I would be too. I should probably go back to Al-Anon, since it could well be argued that this all links up to my father. Maybe I should find another counselor here, but I can't afford one. Talking puts it in perspective, even if all it seems like is me wallowing. It actually is progress, just very... slow... acting.

But still, as much as it'll help to hang out with friends, get away from my father, and go to work regularly, giving myself that purpose I so deeply need, it doesn't change the fundamental problem.



What it comes down to is, I just want what everyone else wants.

I want to be considered important. I want somebody to think that I'm just amazing. I want my thoughts and opinions valued and respected. I want somebody who wants to share what I bring to share, and who will take what I have to offer. I want to be loved for who I am, neuroses, paranoia, intensity and all. I want to be one of the most important, if not the most important, people to someone. I want to be central in their thoughts. I want someone who isn't afraid to own up to their feelings to respect me for who I am, admit to those feelings instead of pulling away, and love me.

I want all of this from someone I give my heart to, and that's the trick- those people aren't very common. Two have accepted it, but only because they offered theirs up first. A handful of others have not, and that's ok, we're still friends. But as desperately as I want to be loved, there are only very few people that I do love or could potentially love. That I know about, of course.

Here's what's gotten me all worked up about this. The fact that I was fucking stupid enough to go on her LJ to see, displayed right out there for me to read, decent-sized entries of her swooning over Clancy. It's clear that she's falling for him, which doesn't surprise me. That's not what's upset me so much. It's the fact that what got me checking her LJ out in the first place (which I haven't been doing at all, give me credit enough for that, because it's a stupid fucking thing to be doing) was that I was cleaning out all my old e-mails.

Among the letters I found were one of the earliest ones from almost exactly a year ago. I don't know if it's in bad taste to reprint this here, so someone tell me so if it is and I'll remove it. Keep in mind the date, May 12th, and some of you may recall that this was during Oedipus. Most of you will recall how I was then, and may even remember the LJ entry I made on it. The e-mail said:

"Hey, how's it going?
I just read your livejournal entry and I guess I just wanted to comment,
for whatever reason. I'm sure everybody says this, but I'm going to go
ahead anyhow... Even though I don't really know what is going on in your
life because I don't really know your friends and stuff, if you need
anyone to talk to about anything, I'm here for you. I know it might sound
cheesy, but sometimes just talking about stuff is a good thing, and
sometimes having an unbiased third party is also a good thing. Well, I
just say this because I care about you and your well-being, so don't take
this the wrong way (if you can take it in a wrong way. Geez, I'm so
paranoid.)
I guess I'll talk to you later sometime, if not sooner, then later.
Bye for now."

There are a number of levels to my reaction to this letter. One is the fact that she was so concerned at how I was feeling, that she, along with several other of my closest friends, jumped right up to offer her help. Another level is the tone of the letter near the end, how neurotic she is, so concerned about making a good impression because she's clearly so smitten with me, and the reminder that she actually was deeply smitten with me. And another level is the fact that... that I'm going through it all over again.

So I got all good and nostalgic, and thought, "well, I feel bad already, I don't imagine there'll be any harm in my checking her LJ." Stupid, stupid, stupid. But again, it's not what she was saying that really bothered me. It was the fact that she's feeling for him what she felt for me a year ago. That's what really sucks, what really fucking hurts.

It's gone. She's gone. I know. I've accepted this. I'm never going to get it back from her. I know I'm just considered a source of pain and stress to her, that I'm not fun to be around, I accept this. I used to think I could be friends with her, or as I said to Tammy once upon a time ago, back when we were doing As You Like It, "So holy and so perfect is my love, and I in such a poverty of grace, that I shall think it a most plenteous crop to gleam the broken ears after the man that the main harvest reaps. Loose now and then a scattered smile and that I'll live upon." But I can't live upon it, not that alone. I can't.

The point (hey, even I'd forgotten I had one) is that ever since Tammy, I haven't been fundamentally "ok." Not, that is, save for those two precious weeks in February when Misty and I were together. Not since that morning when I woke up next to her and realized that I loved her.

You see, before Tammy, I was just like most people. I'd say, "Yeah, life sucks, but I'm ok." Well, I'm not "ok" anymore, because now I have a very specific want, a singular need, and I feel like everything else around me- comics, movies, friends, mom, exercise, DDR, girls- are all just distractions, temporarily taking my mind off the problem but never easing it. I haven't been happy in a long time, save for those two weeks, when I finally had what I'd wanted so badly and everything was just ok. It wasn't like Tammy, where even the best moments had that underlying knowledge that this was doomed. Everything was ok. I was at peace.

That's the problem. I feel like until I get that again, I'm just not going to be happy. And every time something reminds me of her, whether it's the songs on the radio or her boyfriend's name appearing everywhere in bookstores, video stores, and video games, it drives me fucking insane because I remember that what I had is gone. That the rare thing had happened, someone I loved felt that way about me, and then took it back. I know it'll happen again someday, but the fact was I can't imagine it, not really, because I don't know who it is or how it'll be.

All I can imagine is the memory, the simple joy of how nice it was to wake up to find her next to me. And until I find someone to replace her, I don't know if I'll ever be able to remember otherwise. That's the problem.

Comments

[fishymcb.livejournal.com]

Wow, I guess I get to break the ice. Boy, whoever said "Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all" was really a silly twat, huh? Well, maybe not. You really will be happy again some day, John. So will I. I've been down before. Back up, too. Just because this was the first time you were ever that content doesn't mean it's the only time. Really, it's great that you've got LJ to get all of your feelings out somewhere. If the alternative is you internalizing it all and pretending that life is always ducky and then completely flying off the handle some day and doing something really horrible, I will take it. I'm sure most of us would. And since I quoted something really pithy, let me try and make amends, courtesy of Butters:

"Sure, I feel pretty bad right now, but before that I felt really good. Without the really bad feelings, I guess the really good feelings wouldn't be so good. I want to feel that good again some day! So what I'm saying is that I'd rather be a crying pussy than a faggy goth kid."

Amen.

[ortugatay.livejournal.com]

And hey, seriously feel free to vent to me any time your heart desires. I never mind listening to what you have to say and I'm readily available. You have my screen name and cell phone number I believe, so really do make use of it if you need to.
Hang in there, John. Things are going to be alright for you. :-)

[tazira.livejournal.com]

Man, I'm sorry, hon. You know I've been feeling it too, the depression that dogs your steps and stoops your shoulders and leaves you awake, hot-eyed and miserable through sleepless night after sleepless night. All I can say is that I hope it gets better soon, and that I suspect relying on the notion of love or another person to get you through it is almost certainly the wrong way to go. A recipe for further unhappiness.

I used to say, "You get out of situations what you put into them," i.e. the energies you pour into a thing tend to reflect what you get back. After seriously considering my relationships with the Rudes and other friends, I no longer believe that's particularly true. But the downside of it certainly is. If we go out there seeking relationships to heal us and make us feel better, what we're pouring into it is shit. Sorry, but it's shit. Under the right circumstances, you and I could have a lot to give, but right now we're depressed, and we don't have much of value to give anyone. Under these circumstances, it would be too easy to take rather than to give, lean rather than lend, and relationships are ultimately about giving. Anything else is co-dependence or worse.

You and I need to be in a better place before we'll be ready to inflict ourselves on others in relationships. Meanwhile, the depression continues, and all we can do is hang in there, day by day, for the little things. Harry Potter. Those few good friends we can still claim.

That's about it, really. I'm delaying my suicide for Harry Potter. Sad, funny, ironic, and absolutely true. Find something to delay your suicide for. Something that interests you enough. Maybe it's a friend, maybe it's your mom, maybe it's a play. It shouldn't be a girlfriend, not now. Hardest thing in the world to hear, but wait until you're ready to give.

I love you, and I wish you all the happiness in the world. And someday, if you can hang in there long enough, you will find it.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Suicide, be it literal or just "giving up," hasn't even occured to me. Which is a good thing, of course, but gets me wondering how much more I'll have to go through (and I do realize that what I'm going through is a cakewalk compared to the lives of some others) before such thoughts actually do occur to me. Between the unwritten novels and those roles I want to play, I have plenty of goals that keep me here and keep me going.

You and I need to be in a better place before we'll be ready to inflict ourselves on others in relationships.

I agree, which is why I was so hesitant to just date people for awhile and still am, really. I just like Katya, for example, and if I didn't have these issues this situation would be casual and relaxed. As it is, there are all these other issues at work. I'd hate to date someone who's just consider me nice but second to Billy Heartbreaker, know what I mean?

On the other hand, I feel like right now the only way I CAN feel better is if I move on, and I feel like I can't move on until I find someone else to replace her. I mean, hell, that's what Misty did with Clancy. She didn't just stop dating me, she replaced me, because she felt she had to move on. Hell, I probably replaced Tammy with Misty, at least initially. Right now, I'm finding it damn fucking hard and painful on my own with just the memories, and I don't know how to make them go away or shut up.

So, basically what I have to do is know that it's still gonna be here and keep doing the things I love, even if that single depressing want/need is still there, and eventually, eventually, it will go away. Does it really? I hope it does, but I'm just not feeling it right now, so I'd have to put it on blind faith.

[morganashkevron.livejournal.com]

As someone who's been through a similar not-quite-relationship situation, let me tell you, it takes a long time to get to a place where you feel good more often than not. Being head over heels in love with someone who cares, but not enough to put forth effort, is devastating. And it was particularly tough when he started dating a friend. I couldn't handle it and ended up losing a friend and creating a distance between myself and a few other friends. Being rejected is harsh.

But, and this is a big but, it does get better. I promise. You're in for a rough patch, but there is an end to it if you really look for it. I spent that year dwelling on what I could have done to change things and man, that was a waste of time. The same goes for you - you can't change what has already happened. It's tough to let go and move on, I know, but you will and you should. Enjoy the things that make you happy (and I recommend Harry Potter for that). Keep yourself busy. And don't worry about unloading angst on your friends - that's what we're here for.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Man, two people with Harry Potter. I don't even LIKE HP (I read just the first and found it contrived and boring, but yeah yeah I'll read the rest I will they get better yeah yeah yeah).

And another person saying it gets better with time. As above, I'll have to put that on blind faith, because as you probably know it sure doesn't feel like it right now.

[morganashkevron.livejournal.com]

Nope...it feels like you'll never be happy for more than 2 minutes at a time and even that will be a rare occasion. It's like a hyperbola (yay math) where the line curves up and gets higher which is my dorkorific way of saying the whole feeling better thing is an exponential process - it starts small and slow bu then it builds up steam and suddenly the good stuff outweighs the bad and everything is right with the world.