(no subject)

Shit, apologies to Ty, but I won't be able to make it to Midsummer tonight. I finally have work again, if only a little bit, at my beloved Big Planet Comics in Georgetown and I hafta be here 'till 8:30. Sorry, would have loved to have seen you all. I mean, Midsummer's hardly my favorite Shakespeare play, but I really did want to come hang with everyone. Hopefully this weekend after Macky-B on Saturday, assuming there is a cast party.

I've missed working here, but it's been so long I need to seriously recalibrate myself to everything. I feel so nervous, like I'm auditioning for a big part. I used to be a whiz at this! Ah well, I am surrounded by comic books, so how bad can it be?

hm!

Katya just text-messaged me (what is with the kids these days and their texting! It costs an assload, as I learned the hard way with Tammy) to ask how I've been. Just out of the blue like that. That's a good sign. I will definitely have to take her out to dinner as soon as possible.

That's right, ladies. So if you've ever harbored feelings for me, now's the time to speak up before I'm snatched away. Otherwise, you can just wait until my heart's been broken again.

In other news, it's so refreshing to hear the opening strains of a song actually be "Lust for Life" by Iggy Pop and NOT a shitty song by Jet. Fucking rip-off band aren't fit to lick the peanut butter off of Iggy's balls. Not even AC/DC's, biggest balls of them all as they are.

Oh! And in other other news, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FORMER DADDY AND FUTURE KEMP, CALVIN!!!

you were warned; I really need to get this out...

Well, since I don't have ball cancer, which is good, that means the angst is back. Well, it was never really gone. Just went into remission for awhile. I just really need to get this out. It's a long one, be warned. You know the drill, and I won't hold it against you if you just move along.

How can my mood go for so good... well, ok, at least... crashing down into this? Is it just because I'm tired as hell? I should sleep soon anyway. Looks like we're not going to Nation after all, since I haven't heard back either way. Mom would say I need to get to the gym and exercise more, but I tell you, all that wonderful energy that everyone hypes, exercise does not help me for the simple reason that it doesn't occupy my mind, and that when I work out all I'm thinking about is... what's on my mind.

This sucks, man. Every other goddamn thing reminds me of everything I should not be thinking about, just like last summer. Maybe I really should try talking to people about this shit after all, because when I don't talk about it, it just swirls in my head and I go crazy. No, I mean, nights like this I feel literally crazy. When I'm driving alone, I will occasionally get into conversations, so into them that it'll be about a minute before I realize that I'm talking to no one. I mean, I've always talked to myself. But I've never gotten so into it before. No wait, scratch that, that's not entirely true. I used to do that, but regarding my father.

What do I need? The support of my friends? Yes, I know I have that, but I feel guilty wearing them out. Many of you are understandably frustrated, and hell, I know I would be too. I should probably go back to Al-Anon, since it could well be argued that this all links up to my father. Maybe I should find another counselor here, but I can't afford one. Talking puts it in perspective, even if all it seems like is me wallowing. It actually is progress, just very... slow... acting.

But still, as much as it'll help to hang out with friends, get away from my father, and go to work regularly, giving myself that purpose I so deeply need, it doesn't change the fundamental problem.

( And as I alluded to earler, I think I've finally figured out what it is exactly, even if it does sound plainly obvious. Even if I've already understood it innately already, I'm closer now that I feel I have it in words. )