Building a Hefner Monologues Show

So thanks to the ton of comments, advice, and insight regarding my last Hefner Monologues post (keep 'em coming, folks! I really appreciate it!), I have come up with a few new ideas and done away with a few others.

I'm starting to think that maybe I shouldn't tell the whole Tammy story after all. I mean, I do think it could hold up on its own as an entire show (which is also a point; it needs a whole show, and I wouldn't be able to tell some of the other stories that I'm really gonna NEED to tell for this first show.) And honestly, telling the Tammy story isn't the purging, cathartic story it was for me two years ago. I don't need to tell it anymore. But I still kinda want to tell it, insofar as I think/hope it's a good story. But not for the first HEFNER MONOLOGUES show. Several of you folks have convinced me of that.

Now look, I don't want to just tell a series of unrelated anecdotes. Stand-up comedians can do that, but that's not the way I roll. I like there to be an arc, a throughline (thanks, covenhouse_cat). I had one with the Tammy story, which was, "I told these stories to help me cope, then it got so bad that I thought I'd never tell these stories again, and then I got better and I could, (not) the end" and so on.

Now, I'm trying to think of a solid, complete show that I could make just based on a bunch of "The Best O' The Hefner Monologues" that I have so far. adaptor was right: Tell. The. Best. Stories. "If bowing to theme costs you one moment of pure entertainment I will personally be waiting outside the theatre with the bees." I agree. But remember, I want people to come away from the show with something. I don't want them to just enjoy it and forget it. I want to create something with substance, lofty as that may be, above and beyond just making people laugh. But laughter is damn important too.

So here are some of the stories I'm thinking about telling:

"The Wedding/Erection Story": this is a logical start, as it's also the origin of the Hefner Monologues themselves. This will be the extent of explicit Tammy material (it pains me that I'll have to save the oral sex story for the entire Tammy show).

"Visiting the Playboy Mansion when I was 8 Years Old": And here, I may have a perfect resolution to the "Hefner" question. Because this is honestly a great story and one of interest to people: I get to live the dream of many a straight man by getting a guided tour of the Playboy Mansion, at an age when it totally doesn't count. It also opens up a theme that appeared in the book, trying to find an identity for myself. This doesn't mean that I'll still be totally milking the Hefner connection in my promotional material, but it can still be a relevant factor. Especially when I ask myself the question of "What the hell kind of Hefner am I?!"

"Blue Surge/Going Naked on Stage": One way I made a name for myself? I utterly destroyed Harry Nilsson's "Coconut" for every single person who saw Blue Surge. A small part of me thinks I really should get actually naked for this show, but I neither want to nor do I think I really should, as the way I describe those events work great on their own accord.

"Drunk in Bath": It's a fan-favorite. I gotta do it. But probably near the end, because unless I build up my stamina, there's no way I'll be able to do much more after.

"Traffic Court": Maybe, along with "Blue Surge," this story belongs with the big Tammy story, because they help cut the non-stop angst. But this is also a fan-favorite (from my dozen or so fans). And it'll also serve an important point: telling this story is much scarier to me than ever going naked on stage. It'll take balls for me to tell this story and make it work, without all women pitying me and all men wanting to kick me in the balls on principle. My own mother called me a "pussy" for this.

"The Nerdy Guy": A short (fifteen minutes?) story of life at the comic shop. Including "The Nerdy Guy" story (another identity I've acquired for myself), and maybe a bit of how I burst out dancing to Oingo Boingo when the store's empty.

"Meeting Misty/Our First Date": Wherein my nerdiness is reaffirmed by a drunken topless girl with a crush on me, and I discover the hazards of a shorn scrotum (as that was a late addition to the story, perhaps only little_dinosaur knows what I'm talking about there. Heh heh). But it might also be worth noting that Misty had a Hugh Hefner fetish too...

"Sitting on my porch, smoking a pipe as the snow falls": covenhouse_cat suggested this. I wouldn't have thought about it, but maybe it would work too. Just a nice moment of quiet sincerity, amid all the loud, arms-flailing sincerity.

"One-man version of 'Little Girls.'" It's an idea.

That's what I have so far, but what do you folks think? Are there any stories/bits that stand out for you, that you think I should tell?

Our BEES will blot out the sun!

Here's another little idea, in conjunction with THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES.

Back around fall 2005, tazira was completely tickled, to say the least, when I had excitedly reenacted the entirety of Peter Jackson's KING KONG trailer. In my own Hefnerian fashion, of course. She really wished we could have recorded my one-man trailer. Well, then the 300 trailer hit, and while everybody was making fun of that, I just had to do my version for Jaki as well. It too was a hit.

And so she's come up with a new idea:

"Trailer Trash."

You do movie trailers, 300, Brokeback Mountain, Harry Potter, etc., the first time in English, and the second time in Spanish, all the same sound effects and physical gestures. Arthur and I were talking this over, the other night. We really think it's an idea that could take off. We might do a couple as well, on, say, You Tube.

Spanish would be hilarious, if only I could speak it with any proficiency at all. But anyway, I thought about it, and I realized something that really might work:

What if I performed one-man trailer reenactments before THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES?

Think about it. At the start of the show, I come out (perhaps dressed in nothing but a speedo and cape made out of a trash bag, with a six pack drawn on my tummy) and say, in a meek, Droopy-dog/Butters kinda voice: "Th-the following preview has been approved for all audiences by the M-Motion Picture Association of America." And I just let loose with the damn thing, from every "THIS. IS. SPARTARARAGHAH!!!" right down to the NIN music.

And then I become meek again, say, "Th-the feature presentation will begin in five minutes. Thank you." and scamper off. Then five minutes later, I return dressed in my shiny blue suit (my image!) and begin the Tammy Wedding story.

It's an idea. Might be a good way to warm up the crowd. Mom approves. But of course, I definitely wouldn't want to take anything away from the actual Hefner Monologues. Thoughts?