Starro Sez: "Fuck You. Have Some cupcakes."

Ladies and gentlemen.

( This... is Starro. The Star Conquerer. From beyond the stars. While being, himself... a star. Fish. )

One of the Justice League's oldest enemies, Starro is truly a powerful malevolent force of five-pointed evil, a cosmic despot who comes to Earth every now and again and seriously fucks shit up with his mind-control powers.

Oh, you don't think a big alien starfish is all that scary, huh? "Oh no, it'll drip on us! Quick, someone get a sunlamp and build the world's largest beach gift shop!"

FOOLS. For it is while you are mocking Starro the Star Conquerer that Starro the Star Conquerer suddenly and viciously... uh... conquers! YOU!

( BEHOLD! THE WRATH AND FURY OF STARRO! )

Really, he's like Grant Grant in SLITHER. Only less drippy with KY and less likely to kill his zombie hosts. But he'd also probably have a thing for Elizabeth Banks. Mmmm, oh Elizabeth Banks, you make the subpar last season of SCRUBS totally worth watching, even if your character is kind of annoying.

So why the hell am I bringing up Starro, you might ask? Well, you see, there was a recent issue of SUPERMAN/BATMAN, where Superman had a dream sequence of sorts, on his death bed, being visited by all his friends, family, allies, and even enemies. It's a great sequence, good fun, but one moment stands out above the others. For Starro is among the visitors, and he comes bearing...

... cupcakes.

Yes, in full-on Strindberg and Helium fashion and all.



Now, when I was initially skimming this issue, I read Starro's alien font as "Fuck you." As in, "Fuck you, have some cupcakes."

I mentioned this on scans_daily, and it since became a mini-phenomenon! In that, like, five other people thought it was funny, and started saying it themselves. I think we call that a "mandate" these days? Why, even today, people are still using my now immortal phrase even if no one remembers who originally said it.

Truly, my misreading of what he says is likely still totally in keeping with his brainless (literally; thank you, ANIMANIACS!) starfish tyrant intentions. And you know, I think we could learn something from Starro here. Even if we have a long-time opponent who has, time and again, thwarted our plans and sent us hurdling back toward the cold, cold cosmos where no one loves us... when said opponent is down for the count, a certain amount of respect--even kindness--is warranted.

Now, said opponent is still your sworn enemy, no doubt, and should he ever recover, you shall peel back his fleshy shell and suck out the insides, possibly over ice with Tabasco sauce and lemon juice before a hot date with some lovely echinoderm-ette. But until that time, malevolence must momentarily give way to magnanimousness.

And it doesn't even have to stop there! Need to end a heated argument with a good friend? A way to break the ice when meeting your prospective in-laws? A diplomatic resolution to long-time national and international conflicts?

Only one thing to say.


(Macro by j_park).

Best Picture ponderings

New trailer for THERE WILL BE BLOOD is out. With neato Bernard Herrmann style music.

Oh my god, Bill the Butcher is back. He totally survived the events of GANGS OF NEW YORK and remade himself as an oil baron. I knew it!

THERE WILL BE BLOOD is based on Upton Sinclair's book OIL!, which sounds like it should be a musical. The film's been likened to CITIZEN KANE (but in what sense, who knows?). It's supposedly one of Daniel Day Lewis' greatest performances. I've heard nothing but dumbfounded stunned exaltation heaped upon this film.

Even though I still think PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE is a great steaming bucket of sloppy shit, sloppy-sloppy shit, I am quite anxious to see this, as I am NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. Both of which I am formally here predicting will be nominated for Best Picture, but will lose to AMERICAN GANGSTER, which one CHUD reviewer recently called the UNFORGIVEN of the gangster genre.

I don't know if AMERICAN GANGSTER that good, but it's damn good, and likely far more appealing to widespread mainstream tastes.

I think the Oscars are phony and pandering bullshit ceremonies of pablum, but it's still fun to play the guessing game. Also, I want one. Now.