old man Hefner

[thehefner]

So I visited my father today. For those of you new to my LJ, the quick version is that my father is an alcoholic (he looks disturbingly like our cousin Hugh if he grew a moustache and never showered) with gout. He's long since stopped taking medication for the open sores on his gout-ridden feet, preferring the method of "let it take care of itself."

So I walked in to my father's house to discover that he's walking around... with a plastic Safeway bag on his left foot. Probably, I'm assuming, to keep it from leaking all over the place. I know, TMI, but this is my journal. Y'see, bits of my father are soaked all over the house. You can't even imagine how it smells. But see, I'm pretty used to all this, horrid as it is. This plastic bag on his foot is BRAND NEW to me. In between the gray windbreaker and tan slacks he wears every single day without washing and the crutches he uses, the plastic bag was the last little straw.

My father is a homeless man who just happens to live in a house.

*brainboggle*

I have got to get this man a nurse or something before I leave in a year or so.

Comments

[fiveseconddelay.livejournal.com]

picture yourself visiting your dad and starting to hyperventilate...
.
Just trying to show ya don't need to fuck your ex to be your friend.

[tompurdue.livejournal.com]

Actually, I know exactly how it smells. And if he's looking to kill himself, gangrene is a pretty effective way. Disgusting and unbelievably painful, but effective. Oh, and if it is gangrenous, a plastic bag is an excellent way to exacerbate the problem.

Uh... dude, if this is what it sounds like, you don't have "a year or so." I really hate to tell you bad news in a frickin' comment in your frickin' LJ, but if he's got leaking sores on his foot, it could be several things, none of them good. And deadly, if he doesn't get them treated. About the only hopeful thing I'm reading is that you're used to it; some of those smells you can't get used to.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Thing is, I think it's tied directly to his gout. He's been like this for the past couple years. It's not that I'm used to the smell exactly, more like it's what I've come to expect every time I go there. I can't fucking stand the smell. My grandmother is in a similar situation, and mom and I are constantly gagging whenever she passes.

If I go to him about trying to get it treated, I know exactly what he's going to say. He's going to give me a rant about how he's already done everything he could do, gone to the doctors, and how the medications didn't work or made things even worse, so this is the best way to handle it, they'll heal on their own, and so on. This man isn't going to listen to me. He's stubborn and does things his own way. I don't think there's anything I can do.

[tompurdue.livejournal.com]

Thing is, I'm not familiar with weeping as a sign of gout. I'd worry that the lack of circulation is causing something much, much worse.

Of course if he's still drinking then he hasn't done everything the doctors told him to do, but you already knew that.

No, there isn't anything you can do. You knew that. If the pain isn't getting him to go to the doctor, nothing will. I'm so sorry.

The worst thing about slow deaths is that I can't show up in a black suit yet. I have to wait, and so do you.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Don't be sorry. You seem more sure that he doesn't have long than Mom and I are. We're fairly convinced that he's gonna get worse and worse, but he's just going to cling on and drag this out for years, just like his mother did.

If he was trying to intentionally kill himself, that'd have been kinda stupid of him to blow all that cash for that experimental eye surgery. Unless he wants to live out his days with some relative comfort. God, I just don't know how the hell this man's mind works, inasmuch as it still does operate after decades of alcohol abuse.

[icewolf010.livejournal.com]

If he was trying to intentionally kill himself, that'd have been kinda stupid of him to blow all that cash for that experimental eye surgery.

Ummm, you'd be surprised. A friend's father has been committing slow-motion suicide for about 10 years by aggressively ignoring his diabetes. He'll do just enough to keep the people around him off his back (i.e., to shut them up), but otherwise do whatever the hell he wants. So the eye surgery could have been to appease others, to be able to say he 'tried everything' or even to support his TV watching habit. Human behaviors in these situations are rife with contradictions, but, sadly, the end is always the same.

[tompurdue.livejournal.com]

It's just that the bag thing worries me. Weeping sores could be indicative of poor circulation, leading to necrosis. If the necrosis isn't treated, first with surgery then with antibiotics, it can easily lead to septicemia, which is almost always fatal if not treated.

That's a long way to go from a bag, and of course I'm not a doctor. It might also be some kind of way of keeping his foot warm without wearing socks; even socks are painful in advanced cases of gout.

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

i would tend to agree.

an untreated infection is what killed my father. also an alcoholic.

and as an alky, his immune system and liver and not nearly as able to deal with infectious crap in his system.

but i also know that there is litytle you can do, Heffie.. and it sucks.

i'm really sorry for that.

but you can do things for yourself. the garbage our fathers have heaped into our lives is crap we carry with us. we need help to unload all of that, or we will tend to end up like them or go the opposite route to extremes in that direction too.

so in terms of yourself.. do something.

i'll keep you in prayer.

[deliapuppeh.livejournal.com]

Eugh....

[icewolf010.livejournal.com]

Additionally, sweetie, if the environment is physically unhealthy, and the fact that it's making you gag is a clue, take a good hard look at whether or not you want to be going there. If seeing your dad is really necessary, either from your own desire or from a sense of duty, can you see him someplace out?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Actually, it ain't that bad for me. It was bad when he was guilt-tripping me into coming over to his house every day I wasn't working. That was seriously wearing down my mental and emotional health, which wasn't doing all that great after the whole Misty debacle.

But this past year I stood my ground and now I see him only once a week, in which I take out his trash (which he can't do, he can barely make it around the house on his own) and get him a few groceries. We have a bit of chit-chat, but no more "me doing nothing at his house for hours on end just because he wants me there" bullshit. I don't ever see him just to see him. I just run a few errands for him now and that's it. As such, I've pretty much achieved the healthiest relationship I can with him short of having no contact with him whatsoever, and I just don't know if I have it in me to completely cut out my father, no matter what he is or has become.